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Woman can't understand why her last name is preventing her ex-husband from remarrying

He's gone. Why does it matter?

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A woman thinking about her problems.

Should two women be able to share the same man’s last name if one just divorced him and the other is looking to marry him? Well, at first glance, of course, especially if that man’s last name is common. If his last name is Smith or Jackson, and you marry him, you surely are not the only Mrs. Smith or Jackson on the planet. Even if his last name is uncommon, there is still very little chance that you are the only person with that last name, unless it’s Mxyzptlk.

A woman who divorced her husband three years ago is unsure what is going on after his girlfriend thinks that only she should have his last name. Is the first wife overreacting? She believes this behavior is a bit unusual.

“I was married to my ex-husband for 4 years. I didn't change my name when I first got married because neither of us cared much,” the woman wrote on Reddit. “I only changed it after our daughter was born because I wanted us to share a last name. We divorced in early 2022, and I kept the last name because my daughter still has it, and again, neither of us cared much.”

woman arguing, woman fighting, women in kitchen, conflict, two women, woman confused, A woman holds up her hands in exasperation.via Canva/Photos

The ex's girlfriend seems a bit jealous

Recently, the ex-husband's new girlfriend confronted her when she came to pick up her daughter and said that she needed to change her name because it was "the only thing standing in the way" of them getting married. The girlfriend added that it was “very weird” that she hadn’t changed her name back to her maiden name yet.

Evidently, the girlfriend thinks that she’s the only one who can be known as Mrs. X.

However, the woman doesn’t want to change her last name because it holds more significance for her than her previous marriage. “Aside from the connection to my child, I have a career, and I am involved professionally in the community, so my name carries some weight beyond my marriage and divorce. It doesn't seem fair to me to change it just to appease someone else,” she wrote. To add further insult, the couple said they’d pay for her to have her name changed while, at the same time, they owed her $20,000 in back child support.

woman on phone, upset woman, confused woman, woman white top, smartphone, brown hair A woman talking on the phone.via Canva/Photos

Is she overreacting?

The woman asked if she was overreacting to be upset about being pressured to change her name, and the commenters overwhelmingly supported her. "You are absolutely not overreacting. It's bizarre and odd that they would even bring this up to you, in my opinion. I kept my name after my divorce so that I would have the same name as my children. They have no right to make you feel any way about this, and I agree with you that their priorities are completely out of whack," one of the top commenters wrote. "Once you changed your name, it became YOUR name, not his. That’s really the end of the story if you want it to be! And if you want to have the same name as your child, that’s fair, but the reason doesn’t matter as it’s your name, not theirs."

Many of the commenters also noted that she should make an ultimatum, pay me the back child support, and I’ll change my name.

mother and daughter, happy mom, happy daughter, smiling little girl, bonding, parents A woman and her daughter.via Canva/Photos

Women have a lot of reasons for keeping their ex's last name

The story raises a very personal issue affecting many women. Should I go back to my maiden name after a divorce? A group of women shared why they kept their ex’s last name after a divorce, and the reasons were varied. Many kept their maiden name so they wouldn’t have a different last name from their children. While others said that professional reasons were the reason they kept their previous name, whether they were a writer and it was what they were published under, or a teacher who didn’t want to confuse her students. Other women kept their spouse's last name for a simple reason: they liked it better than their maiden name.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is that people’s names are very personal to them, and it’s not anyone else’s business what they call themselves. Even if their ex’s new beau thinks they should be the sole owners of their ex-husband’s surname. In this story, the woman wasn’t interested in changing her name, not because of a connection to her ex, but because of a much more important relationship, her child.

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Divorced couple's unconventional co-parenting solution hailed as 'selfless'

"Working through an amicable divorce means thinking outside the box."

Photo credit: Canva

Birdnesting is a way for couples to go their separate ways without as much disruption.

For parents going through divorce, the number one challenge is often figuring out how to not disrupt life for the kids. More and more coparenting couples are discovering that making children bounce back and forth between different living arrangements doesn’t have to be the path taken if it doesn’t actually work for the family. In fact, there are many different ways to go about it.

For Susan Fowler and her ex-husband Josh Fowler, losing their family home (and the consistency provided for their five kids) didn’t feel like an option. So, in an effort to “think outside the box,” they decided to keep the home, and simply take turns living in it.

“It was scary at first, figuring out the logistics, each finding a room to rent,” Susan explained in a TikTok clip, “But it was also way cheaper than two houses big enough for 6 people.”

@sparklysusan

Working through an amicable divorce means we get to think outside the box. What really works best for our family? We realized keeping the kids in their same home is a top priority. Also, it means that we both get to keep living here part time as well, and we don’t have to lose out on all the love and effort we’ve put into this family home.

Rather than upsetting all five of her kids and making them go through the stress of having to pack up and go to another home every couple of days or weeks, there’s only one person who ends up leaving. And for that ease alone, Susan is "grateful" every time she hauls her bags to the car to head to the room she rents from a friend.

Plus, she writes, “we don’t have to lose out on all the love and effort we’ve put into this family home.”

Susan’s video has racked up nearly six million views, and the idea has received a ton of praise for being such a win-win—from fellow parents and former kids of divorce alike.

“This shows the level of maturity between the two parties.”

“This should be a law! Kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world. “This is exactly what should be done. Keeping kids grounded is everything!”

“I lived out of a suitcase for years because I was switching houses every week. Everything in life felt temporary. Thank you for doing this.”

“This is the most selfless way to share custody. A friend who I grew up with had 50/50 parents, said he had 2 houses and no home.

“Amazing co-parenting!! Putting the kids first!!”

“As a kid that had to take 6-hour road trips between houses, thank you for putting their comfort first.”

@sparklysusan

Replying to @Emu Thompson


This strategy, while unconventional, is not the first of its kind, and it’s gaining traction. Many parents have found that “birdnesting” divorces, as they are commonly called, are not only practical, but protective of children’s well-being. The idea is that, like in the animal kingdom, little ones still get to have the security of a “nest” while parents take turns taking care of them.

It isn’t a fool proof plan, of course. There’s still a shifting family dynamic, which can be confusing. A ton of communication is also still required to figure out balancing responsibilities, boundaries, schedules, etc. Plus, not everyone can necessarily keep up with the financial demand of two homes.

But if both parties are aware of those factors and can work together to address them head on, the stability is likely well worth it.

As for Susan and Jason, working together doesn’t seem to be an issue. On her TikTok, she goes into detail about how they continue to meet once a week to “workout admin things for the family.” Through those meetings, they came up with a schedule where Susan lives in the family home on Mondays and Tuesdays, while Josh resides there on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Then they each alternate staying in the home from Friday to Sunday. Each of them has to arrive at the house by 10am, which is after the kids leave for school, meaning which parent stayed the night at the house also is in charge of mornings.

@sparklysusan

Replying to @Samantha Custody switch off time. This one is helpful for the kids, but also helps my mental health which is pretty important through all this.

It’s clear that they each have the same top priority: their kiddos. And it’s lovely to see parents who can keep that in mind while going their separate ways. It’s not easy, but sometimes it doesn’t have to be as hard as we think.

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Daughter shares real-life 'Parent Trap' love story about her parents remarriage after divorce

"You lived the dream of every child of divorced parents 🥹"

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Rachel Gaede's divorced parents Julie and Scott remarry in real-life 'Parent Trap' love story.

It's the stuff of movies. Parents get divorced, fall back in love, and get remarried. Of course, it did happen in the iconic Disney movie The Parent Trap. And it's also the story of TikTokker Rachel Gaede's (@gachelraede) parents Julie and Scott.

After 17 years of marriage, the couple separated in 2014, something that Gaede and her sister Caroline were "relieved" about. "There was so much tension and conflict in our house," Rachel told TODAY. "After they finally parted ways, we were were like, 'This is the right move.'"

However, during the COVID pandemic in 2020, the family decided to quarantine together. "It was forced proximity," Julie told the outlet. "Neither of us were looking forward to spending time together." And things changed.

In a recent video shared on Instagram, Rachel fully recounts how her parents fell back in love after years apart. She explained that initially, it was just going to be herself, sister Caroline, her mom and their grandma quarantining together. But her Dad told her, "'I want to see my kids'...for the first time in 10 years, it was the 4 of us together all the time. The vibes were insane," she says in the video.

Though the transition to living together again under one roof wasn't totally smooth, feelings began to develop. "There was one time where mom was getting all blushy and schoolgirly," Caroline shared during an appearance on TODAY. "Rachel was like, 'You have a crush on Dad and I know it!' and (our Mom) ran into the other room."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Julie also told TODAY, "Everything from the past fell away and I realized that family was all that mattered and the four of us needed to be together again."

Julie and Scott's relationship continued to grow, and Rachel explains that her grandma had a health scare that propelled them to get engaged. "It was really important to us that she saw everything come full-circle. We were like, 'Dad, you need to propose right now!" she said.

The video pans to a shot of Scott showing their grandma the ring he got for Julie, and Rachel explains that he proposed to her in the same location they got married the first time. A year later, the couple married on Dec. 28, 2023.

@gachelraede

successful parent trap 🫡🫡

The ceremony was just Julie and Scott along with Rachel and Caroline, with their cousin Scott as the officiant. In another video, Rachel shared that she and her sister wore blue dresses for the ceremony, which represented their mom's 'something blue'.

"There are truly, genuinely no words to describe the way that it feels to watch your parents fall in love with each other. Our lives haven't always been perfect, but it has been interesting," Rachel said at the end of her video.

And viewers absolutely love Julie and Scott's imperfectly perfect love story, with many noting its similarity toThe Parent Trap storyline. "You lived the dream of every child of divorced parents🥹," one commented. Another wrote, "This literally reminds me of the parent trap in the cutest way so happy for your family🫶🏻🥹." And another shared, "They realized why the fell in love to begin with."

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Therapist explains his controversial theory: That it's normal to 'hate' your spouse

He also explains one thing everyone gets wrong when their partner is angry at them.

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Is it normal to hate your spouse, even in brief moments?

Marriage is hard. On your wedding day, you "know" it will be hard, and people tell you it will be hard, but you don't really fully understand. Not until you're years deep and navigating a joint life with another human being who has their own wants, desires, emotions, thoughts, and opinions.

Some people believe it's so hard because human beings aren't biologically wired for monogamy. Others believe we just don't do a good enough job of preparing ourselves for the more difficult aspects of lifelong partnership, leading to the notoriously high divorce rate.

A renowned couple's therapist named Terrence Real has been grabbing headlines with his somewhat controversial idea that could help save many relationships. He calls it "normal marital hatred."


marriage, couples, couples therapy, marriage advice, marriage tips, couples counseling, psychologist, therapist, divorceOnce the wedding day has come and gone, things get real. Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Real was recently on the Tim Ferris Podcast, where he elaborated on what he believes is a critically under-discussed aspect of relationships:.

“The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair," he says. "Closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. That's where the skills come in, how to move from disruption to repair. Our culture doesn't teach it."

Real says every couple will have moments, days, or even longer stretches of dissatisfaction, and that those feelings can be much more powerful than you might think.

“So, here's what I wanna say about disharmony: It hurts, it's dark. You can really, really feel like, 'What the hell did I get myself into? This is such a disappointment.’ And guess what? Your partner's probably feeling that about you too.”

His concept of normal marital hatred is fascinating. It takes a shocking idea, that you could "hate" your partner, and puts it right there next to the word "normal." Internalizing the idea might seem pretty bleak to young people getting ready to settle down, but Real doesn't want people to panic or bail rather than sticking it out. Again, he says it's completely normal.

“I talk about normal marital hatred when you're in that dark phase. You hate your partner, that's okay. It's part of the deal for many of it. I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for, oh my god, what? 30 years. ... It's okay, kids — don't sweat it. You can get through it. It's normal. Relax.”

Watch the whole clip here:


@timferriss

Therapist Terry Real on Normal Marital Hatred. (From my brand-new interview with Terry.) #couples #therapy

Commenters were, for the most part, in strong agreement with Real's blunt assessment.

"Hatred disappears when a person able to hold 2 truths simultaneously: I love you, I don’t like you now. Dialectical thinking"

"When people stop romanticizing relationships and realize you're relating to another autonomous human being, it's easier to understand, relate, love and also forgive."

"This is such an important topic that it's not talked about enough. Marriage is not some fairytale can't run away when you hate your partner because in a week you'll probably love them again."

"Hatred is a pretty strong word but I appreciate the concept behind the theory. My theory is space and grace. Grant each other a little space to cool down but the grace to come back and repair."

Others wondered if the term 'hatred' was really accurate, or maybe just a gimmick to make the concept more controversial and marketable:

"To me, hatred is too strong a word. I don’t hate my spouse. I often times do not like him, but I always love him. 33 years of a solid, loving marriage."

"Hatred is a brutal way to put it. Wrong word."

"I have NEVER hated my late husband of 16 years or my partner of 4 years! I have been utterly pissed at both hurt by them unclear if I can make it another day through xyz but not hate never hate"

It all begs the question: What are feelings of hatred, really?


marriage, couples, couples therapy, marriage advice, marriage tips, couples counseling, psychologist, therapist, divorceIt's normal to be upset at or even dislike your partner sometimes. Is it really normal to hate them? Photo by Mattia on Unsplash

Not to be that guy, but Merriam-Webster defines hatred as: "Extreme dislike or disgust...ill will or resentment ... prejudiced hostility or animosity"

That sounds like a dangerous combination of feelings to feel toward your partner! Dislike or disgust? Maybe, in brief doses. But many experts say that resentment and animosity are very close cousins of the infamous Four Horsemen, or communication styles that can be predictive of divorce. The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute found that when these patterns show up regularly, even in just a single conversation, it often spells doom for the couple.

However, Real emphasizes that these negative feelings we might get toward our partner (the so-called hatred) are usually temporary, even appearing for just a brief moment or two.

Regardless of the terminology, Real is right about one thing: Normal, healthy marriages will have conflict and moments where partners don't like each other very much. Navigating them successfully is key.

Luckily, he has advice for that, too.

“In normal circumstances, if you’re unhappy with me, that is not the time for me to talk to you about how unhappy I am with you,” he said. “Everybody gets that wrong.”

In other words, these moments of dislike/hatred/disagreement/or whatever you want it call it should be opportunities for partners to listen to each other and not escalate the conflict into a power struggle. They are opportunities for better communication and for partners to better learn how to meet each other's needs.

Feeling that hatred is not the problem. Feeding it and allowing it to grow is what makes it really dangerous.

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