Domestic violence survivors say Gabby Petito could have been saved, sharing a commonly missed 'red flag'
Bodycam footage of Gabby Petito
It's common news at this point that the cause of death for young aspiring influencer Gabby Petito was strangulation. But to the survivors of domestic abuse, the tell-tale signs were clear long before the headlines came out.
In a recent interview with BuzzFeed, 35-year-old Kayla Walters reflected on her own experience following Petito's case on social media. In particular, the released bodycam footage where Petito described an aggressive lover's quarrel with fiance Bryan Laundrie. As BuzzFeed put it, "As she watched the video, Walters was sure that Petito had been at risk of strangulation, and with it, death."
Why? Because Walters saw how Petito demonstrated Laundrie's violent face grab during the fight. That's all. But for survivors of strangulation like Walters, that small aggressive gesture is the only red flag needed.
"If he [Brian Laundrie] could do that, he could go further," Walters told BuzzFeed News, and she wasn't the only one who thought so. She continued that "A lot of survivors thought the same thing ... Just by her saying, 'He grabbed my face.'"
Tw:DV
Being a survivor of DV and strangulation, I know the fear #gabbypetito must have felt. Trying to breathe, clawing at your attackers face, kicking, doing anything to get that precious breath of air. I was lucky to survive my attack. Most aren't. Please do you pic.twitter.com/BR8PcRCzHE
— Kayla Walters (@kaykay0308) October 12, 2021
According to research published by the National Institute of Justice, people whose partners have attempted to choke or strangle them in the past are nearly 10 times more likely to be murdered than others.
BuzzFeed noted that red flags can include: "Any intimate partner nonconsensually putting their hands around someone's throat or face [as with Brian Laundrie], tying a scarf, tie, belt, rope, or other object around the neck without consent, or exhibiting a capacity for jealousy or control, such as tracking their partner's location, lashing out if they don't receive an immediate response to a text message, or separating the victim from their friends and family."
Unfortunately, this is not something the masses are made aware of, including our law enforcement. Domestic violence is an insidious torture both men and women endure, one that remains kept in the shadows due to shame, fear and, perhaps worst of all, acceptance of "that's just the way it is." We are not taught to catch the warning signs for ourselves and others, and the consequences, such as with Gabby Petito, can be life-ending.
BREAKING: Gabby Petito, the 22-year-old travel blogger whose remains were recovered in September in a national park, died by strangulation, Wyoming coroner says. https://t.co/74EvUGzE0R
— ABC News (@ABC) October 12, 2021
Survivors of domestic abuse soon gathered on social media to speak out on the widespread lack of awareness the general public has. For them, it was an all-too-common image.
"Everybody knew before the [coroner's] report came out how she died," Kit Hunt, 52, a strangulation survivor in Austin, told BuzzFeed News. "We need to talk about how common this is ... How survivors are treated ... We're not believed ... We focus on the crime, and then everybody forgets about it. We need more discussion, that's what's missing."
Considering that 1 in 4 women will experience violence from an intimate partner, and 68% will experience near-fatal strangulation (and even then, only half will even have any visible signs of injury), I'd agree that a discussion is definitely needed.
Even when the strangulation is fatal, only half show visible signs of injury, according to the Training Institute of Strangulation Prevention. This makes strangulation cases difficult to detect, nearly impossible to report and easy to dismiss. But we can improve these statistics with education. Though the public social media craze that followed Gabby Petito's case has been a controversy in itself, perhaps its public revelations will also inspire more public awareness, leaving victims in better circumstances.
If any silver lining is to come of Gabby Petito's tragedy (and the tragedy of many, many more), it's that there is a real call for change. Rather than a sensational true crime story, let's treat this as what it really is: a chance to help others not become victims.
If you're looking to find more informational resources, or a safe place to share your story and seek help, many survivors have joined the private Facebook group Justice for Gabby.
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.