upworthy
Education

She quit teaching, works at Costco, and has 'never been happier.' That says something.

Maggie Perkins' viral videos and unique perspective have ignited the conversation around teacher attrition.

Teacher turned Costco employee talking to camera

Maggie Perkins doesn't miss having a winter break.

Maggie Perkins loves teaching, loves teachers and loves students. In fact, she loves them so much that working on her Ph.D. in Educational Theory and Practice. Her research is focused on teacher attrition, examining why quality, experienced teachers quit the profession—something she understands all too well since she recently became one of them.

The former educator now works at Costco and she says she's never been happier. Her migraines are gone. Her anxiety has improved. She sleeps through the night. As an entry-level employee, she makes less money than she did teaching, but not enough less to make a difference in her financial situation. She goes home from work happy at the end of the day.

Perkins has been sharing the contrast in working conditions between the classroom and Costco on her TikTok channel and it is eye-opening, to say the least.


To be fair, Costco is known for employee satisfaction. They take good care of their people with solid wages and benefits, and as a result, they have an impressive 94% retention rate for employees who stay longer than a year. That's incredible for a retail business. And it's not just about their comparatively generous compensation package. Perkins has shared in several of her videos how she feels respected and valued as an employee at Costco—far more than she did as a teacher working in various schools, teaching various grades in two different states.

People often assume that the biggest reason teachers quit is inadequate pay, but compensation is just one piece of the teacher exodus puzzle. Perkins makes it clear that teachers should definitely be paid more, but attrition isn't just about money. It's often a result of burnout caused by a multitude of factors, including lack of time and support to do the job they are trained to do, the twisted way the teaching profession is viewed and valued by society and the pile-on of additional duties teachers are assigned to do besides teaching.

@millennialmsfrizz

Today I was on Varner & Co with 🦊. This is the full segment. It feels short, but they managed to squeeze me in between a study about it cheese causes nightmares and the woke 👮‍♀️ adding pants to a root beer mascot. It was my pleasure to make a contribution.

Let's look at the time element alone. Planning is a big part of teaching, especially if you're trying to meet individual students' learning needs, yet teachers are rarely given the amount of planning time they need. On top of that, the time they do have is often usurped by other things.

"Let's say you have a fight in your classroom," Perkins tells Upworthy. "Well, then you just lost 45 minutes of your planning because you're going to have to be in the front office doing documentation, calling people. You just lose your day. There's so many different ways to lose your whole day, and then you end up either taking work home or making hard choices about what to let go, like you're juggling glass and rubber balls and you have to figure out which ones are glass and which ones are rubber. Like, what can you let drop?"

@millennialmsfrizz

Tonight when I walked out of work, I felt happy. I felt happy because I enjoyed my work, my coworkers and felt good about my job. When I was a teacher I only felt good leaving work *because I was leaving* the building. Yes, of course, there were *things* I enjoyed about the job, but being a teacher was so much more than teaching, and the anxiety inducing parts of the job were shredding me. Education as a whole is an environment of scarcity. From the resources to the ways teachers are treated. Costco is run in a way that operates from a place of generosity and genuine care. It’s amazing to me that a multi billion dollar company can exude this for its members and employees but the education system cannot. #formerteacher #teacherquittok #costcotiktok #retailworker #exteachertiktok #formerteacher #scarcitymindset #costcodoesitagain

A big misconception some people have about teaching is that it's easier than other professions because you have long holiday breaks and summers off. Some even go so far as to use the word "cushy." Plenty of teachers have refuted that notion, showing how many hours they actually work outside of official work hours or how they have to work two jobs to not be living paycheck to paycheck.

"If you're coming at teachers being like, oh, you have a cushy job, then you work it," says Perkins. "If you think it's so soft and so cushy, it has so many amazing benefits, then come on over and work this job. More of us should be lining up for it."

"But if we have a teacher shortage, how can it be that cushy of a job?" she adds. The reality is that people who have never worked in a classroom have no idea how relentless and stressful it can be on multiple levels, even when you love teaching and love your students.

Here Perkins describes what it was like working a 7-day shift during the holidays instead of having that cushy winter break:

@millennialmsfrizz

I used to be a teacher and now I work at Costco. This is my first year not having a winter break. I do not miss it at all. My pace of my work life now is so much better, I am not sick or exhausted like I used to be when I was a teacher. When I was a teacher I used my winter break basically to recover and go into the next semester of just surviving. #f#formerteachert#teacherquittokc#costcotiktokr#retailworkere#exteachertiktokc#careertransitiont#teachersonbreak

Perkins points out that we don't actually have a teacher shortage, but rather a teacher exodus. There are plenty of qualified, credentialed teachers who have simply given up trying to make the career they love actually sustainable.

Many people have put forth suggestions for various school reforms, but those who have seen the problems from the inside know they are layered, widespread, systemic and deeply ingrained. Perkins tells Upworthy she believes the school system needs a complete overhaul.

"I think we will be forced into it," she says. "But I don't think that'll happen for at least 10 years. I think things are going to get much worse before they get better."

@millennialmsfrizz

If you are new to this account, you should know that the issues I discuss are things I’ve experienced at several schools, grade levels and in different states. These are systemic issues, and are getting worse, not better. But, welcome, I suppose, and I hope you feel seen, known and appreciated because you are. #teachersoftiktok #formerteacher #teacherquittok #educatedexit #KAYKissCountdown #educationcrisis #teachershortage

She says focusing more on teachers and students would help alleviate some of the "crash and burn" she sees coming, or perhaps even help prevent it. But some major changes would have to take place for that to happen.

"A teacher who has six class periods with 35 students in them? That person cannot possibly deliver quality instruction to all of those students all day. And then have one planning period to grade, plan, et cetera. It's just it's impossible."

She says reducing class sizes, increasing planning periods and eliminating extra duties such as carpool duty, hallway duty and other seemingly small things that chip away at a teacher's time are immediate changes that can and should be made. But school administration is often more focused on testing, data, and resources than on what students and teachers themselves need to create a healthy, sustainable learning environment.

Then there's the issue of how teachers are viewed. Outright disrespect is one thing teachers face, but even well-meaning people who think they are supporting teachers can contribute to the problem.

For instance, Perkins explained in a video that she doesn't call teachers "heroes" anymore because it's a loaded term that leads to a martyrdom mindset. After all, heroes fulfill the mission, no matter how hard it gets, right? Heroes are ready and willing to sacrifice it all for the cause. Most people who refer to teachers as "heroes" do so as a compliment, but when you really break down what that term means, it sets an expectation that teachers will do the job no matter how bad it gets, sacrificing themselves and their own well-being because their profession is a "noble" one. That's not just unfair; it's abusive.

@millennialmsfrizz

Teachers are called heros. Teaching is regarded as a noble profession, a higher calling. Teachers should be able to work in conditions that do not require heroic sacrifice. Teachers should be able to do their job in a normal way without suffering, sacrificing, defend for themselves etc. #teachersoftiktok #teacherquittok #teachersareheroes

"The thing that I most want to communicate in my videos is that teaching is not a 'noble profession.'" Perkins tells Upworthy. "It's a job, and people should be paid for the job that they do and respected for the work that they do, and that by attributing nobility to the profession, you assign to teachers this emotional labor of the whole culture, of the whole society."

"When we do that, we add to them additional responsibility above and beyond their actual jobs," she adds. "And then that allows people to degrade the profession by saying basically we pay you with emotion. Like we say, 'You're heroes!' and we get in the cycle of praising them for what they do, and then gaslighting them for what they fall short on. But what they're falling short on is stuff that was never their job in the first place."

Perkins also wants teachers to know that they have transferable skills and that they don't have to put up with a poor quality of life when they can find a higher one in a different profession.

"I see so many teachers like myself even feeling trapped or feeling limited, like teaching is the only thing we can do," she says. "And then when they go into other professions, they're wildly successful. They rise to the top in their career fields. They are good employees and they enjoy the quality of their life as well."

"I want to communicate to teachers—you're not stuck, you don't have to be afraid, your quality of life matters, and it's not selfish to transition your career, because a lot of teachers stay in it, too, because they don't want to feel like they're failing the students."

To hear more of Perkins' perspective on working at Costco and on what teaching can and should be, check out her TikTok channel @millennialmsfrizz.

Popular

Sweden makes stunning decision to trademark its name to avoid confusion

The country is taking historic steps to fix the problem.

via Visit Sweden (used with permission)

A Swedish woman taking things into her own hands.

True

Sweden has existed for over 1,000 years, but travelers across the globe are confused because other places, inspired by the country’s untouched beauty and joyously inclusive culture, have taken its name.

Seven other places in the world call themselves Sweden, so to distinguish itself from the name-alikes, the Kingdom of Sweden is taking a bold, historic step that no country has before. It’s become the first to apply to trademark its name with the European Union Intellectual Property Office.

Visit Sweden likens the country’s problem to a luxury brand that has to contend with dupes, knockoffs, or bootlegs that fall short of the glory of the genuine article.


“It’s flattering that other places want to be called Sweden, but let’s be honest, there should only be one. Our Sweden. The one with the Northern Lights, endless forests, and the world’s best flat-pack furniture,” says Susanne Andersson, CEO at Visit Sweden.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

By trademarking its name, Sweden will make things much less confusing for travelers worldwide. It’d be a shame for someone looking to visit Sweden’s majestic Lapland to mistakenly wind up in a place with no reindeer, Aurora Borealis, or cloudberries to be found.

The world-class research team at Visit Sweden knew it had to act when it realized that other destinations with the same name had tripped up travelers. People looking to vacation in Portland, Oregon, have accidentally wound up in Portland, Maine. Travelers yearning to experience the fall in Manchester, New Hampshire, have been deplaning in Manchester, England. “It happens more than you think!” the researchers admitted.


sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation The Northern Lights in Sweden. via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Jann Lipka/imagebank.sweden.se

The E.U. Intellectual Property Office must act swiftly and allow Sweden to trademark its name so that travelers worldwide don’t miss the opportunity to experience an utterly unique country known for its serene landscapes, commitment to deep relaxation and personal freedom.

No one should ever miss out on staying on one of Sweden’s 267,570 islands, more than any other country. The Swedish archipelagos offer luxurious glamping, peaceful hikes, tranquil solitude and awe-inspiring, pristine nature.

sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation A woman camping in the Swedish archipelago.via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Anders Klapp/imagebank.sweden.se


Sweden is a beautiful place to visit all year round, with bright summers, colorful falls, vibrant springs and dark, crisp winters. It is also a place to delight your tastebuds with a cuisine centered on healthy, locally sourced produce, with some preparation methods dating back to the Viking era.

The original Sweden is a place where one can relish Old World European history while also enjoying the modern pleasures of the most progressive countries in the world. Travelers can be whisked back into history by visiting the Naval Port of Karlskona, a well-preserved European naval town from 1680. Or, enjoy cutting-edge design, delicacies, art, music and culture in hip metropolitan destinations such as Stockholm or Sweden’s “coolest city,” Gothenburg.

Did we mention Sweden has an ABBA museum? Wait till the other 7 Swedens find out about that.

As you can see, Sweden is an incredibly unique destination that cannot be duplicated. It would be a tragedy for anyone intending to visit the original Sweden to mistakenly find themselves in a name-alike place that lacks its Scandinavian charm. You can do your part to stop the confusion by signing a petition to let Sweden trademark Sweden at Visit Sweden (the original).

sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation A Swedish Midsommar celebration. via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Stefan Berg/Folio/imagebank.sweden.se

via Pixabay

When parents can't step up, should grandparents step in?

A story that recently went viral on Reddit’s AITA forum asks an important question: What is a parent’s role in taking care of their grandchildren? The story is even further complicated because the woman at the center of the controversy is a stepparent.

At the time of writing her post, the woman, 38, met her husband Sam, 47, ten years ago, when his daughter, Leah, 25, was 15. The couple married five years ago after Leah had moved out to go to college.

Leah’s mom passed away when she was 10.

When Leah became pregnant she wanted to keep the baby, but her boyfriend didn’t. After the disagreement, the boyfriend broke up with her. This forced Leah to move back home because she couldn’t afford to be a single parent and live alone on a teacher’s salary.


Leah’s story is familiar to many young mothers facing similar difficulties.

The father isn’t involved in the baby’s life as a caretaker or financially. Sadly, research shows that 33% of all children in the U.S. are born without their biological fathers living in the home.

a young mother holds her baby

Single motherhood comes with unique hardships.

via Alexander Grey/Unsplash

The new mother is a teacher and can’t afford to live on her own with a child. In 2019, a study found that out the top 50 U.S. cities, Pittsburgh is the only one where a new teacher could afford rent.

Today, Portland, OR has joined the very short list of cities where an "average teacher can afford 91.3% of apartments within community distance of their school" according to a recent study.

The stressors of taking care of the baby made Leah realize she needed help.

“But once she had the baby around 4 months back, Leah seemed to realize having a baby is not the sunshine and rainbows she thought it was,” the woman wrote on Reddit. “She barely got any sleep during the last four months. All the while Sam was helping her with the baby while I did almost all chores myself.”

“Now her leave is ending. She did not want to leave the baby at daycare or with a nanny,” the woman continued. “Sam and I both work as well.”

Leah asked her stepmother if she would stay home with the baby. The stepmother said no because she never wanted to have a baby and she has a job. “I asked why Leah can't stay home with the baby herself,” the woman wrote. “She said how she was young and had to build a career. I said many people take breaks to raise kids, and she broke down crying about how she was so tired all the time being a mom and needed something else in her life too.”

A woman holds a newborn baby.

The demands of new motherhood are usually all-encompassing.

via Pixabay

After the woman told her stepdaughter no, her husband pressured her to stay home with the baby. But she refused to give up her job to raise her stepdaughter’s child. “Leah said yesterday how she wished her mom was alive since she would have had her back. She said I didn't love her, and my husband is also mad at me,” the woman wrote. The woman asked the Reddit community if she was in the wrong for “refusing to help my stepdaughter with the baby,” and the community responded with rapturous support.

"[The woman] should tell her husband to knock it off and stop trying to pressure her into raising his daughter’s baby. If he wants a family member to look after her baby while she works, then he can do it," user Heavy_Sand5228 wrote.

"This is Leah's baby that she alone chose to have. That doesn't obligate you to change YOUR life to suit her desires. The whole business of saying you don't love her because you won't quit your job to watch her baby is manipulative and messed up, and I'm shocked your husband is siding with her," user SupremeCourtJust-a** added.

Leah and many women like her are in this situation because, in many places, teachers are underpaid, rent is high, and not all dads pay child support, even those required by law.

Another commenter noted that the baby is much more the father’s responsibility than the stepmother's. "To add, Leah should consider seeking child support from her ex. Her kid should be getting that money," Obiterdicta wrote.

While there are resources to help stepparents connect with their stepchildren and step-grandchildren, it's important to remember that the responsibility to raise a child ultimately rests with the parent(s).

This article originally appeared last year.

True

Been stressed this week? Who hasn’t. That’s why we’re bringing you the latest in good news—five animal-themed stories we guarantee will put a smile on your face.

This week, we’re celebrating:

The most entertaining animal photos you've ever seen

Jason Moore/Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2023 and © Tzahi Finkelstein /Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2023

Need a laugh? How about a dozen laughs? Look no further than the 2023 Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards, a competition started in 2015 that focuses on the lighter side of wildlife photography. More than 1,800 photographers from around the world submitted photos, and the finalists—from a kangaroo playing air guitar to an arguing set of greenfinches—will absolutely make your day.

Healthier, happier, rescued pets

Hundreds of thousands of pets are relinquished to shelters each year, and many vulnerable pet populations—such as disabled and elderly dogs—can be hard to place in loving homes. Fortunately, Subaru has sponsored the rescue, rehabilitation, and adoption of more than 134,000 of these pets through the Subaru Share the Love® Event. As the largest corporate donor to the ASPCA® (The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals®), Subaru and its retailers are donating a minimum of $300 to charities like the ASPCA for every new Subaru purchase or lease during the 2024 Subaru Share the Love Event, happening now through January 2, 2025.

This animal-centric (and adorable) creative writing assignment 

Amy McKinney, a third-grade teacher in Pennsylvania, recently had a genius idea for teaching her class persuasive writing: Rather than have them formulate an argument for an imagined audience (boring!), McKinney partnered with a local animal shelter and had her class write persuasive descriptions of each animal to help them get adopted. Each student chose a pet to write about and sent their essays to the shelter to display and post to the shelter’s social media channels. Student engagement was “tremendous,” said McKinney, and there’s no doubt these persuasive paragraphs made a huge difference in these shelter pet’s lives. Adorable.

The dog who saved his owner with CPR (yes, really)

Dogs have made the news for saving humans before, but have you ever heard of a dog performing CPR? That’s exactly what Bear, a Siberian Husky-Golden Retriever mix, did in 2022 when he found his owner unconscious on the floor after suffering a major heart attack. Not only was Bear able to quickly call for help, he even jumped on his owner’s chest repeatedly while someone else called the paramedics. Thanks to Bear, the owner survived what should have been a fatal heart attack. Now that deserves some head scritches.

Bee populations have reached a record high

macro shot photography of beePhoto by Jenna Lee on Unsplash

Honeybees are essential to the planet, as they pollinate over 130 types of fruits, vegetables, and nuts. For years, honeybee numbers have been in decline—but happily, that’s starting to change. The US has added almost a million bee colonies in the past five years, with more than 3.8 million honeybees in total.

For more ways to smile, check out how Subaru is sharing the love this holiday season.

Fowl Language by Brian Gordon

Brian Gordon is a cartoonist. He's also a dad, which means he's got plenty of inspiration for the parenting comics he creates for his website, Fowl Language (not all of which actually feature profanity). He covers many topics, but it's his hilarious parenting comics that are resonating with parents everywhere.

"My comics are largely autobiographical," Gordon tells me. "I've got two kids who are 4 and 7, and often, what I'm writing happened as recently as that very same day."

Gordon shared 15 of his oh-so-real comics with us. They're all funny 'cause they're true.

Let's get started with his favorite, "Welcome to Parenting," which Gordon says sums up his comics pretty well. "Parenting can be such tedious drudgery," he says, "but if it wasn't also so incredibly rewarding there wouldn't be nearly so many people on the planet."

Truth.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

1.

parenting, comics, humor

“Welcome to parenting."

via Fowl Language

All comics are shared here with Gordon's express permission. These comics are all posted on his website, in addition to his Facebook page. You can also find a "bonus" comic that goes with each one by clicking the "bonus" link. Original. Bonus.

2.

food allergies, fussy, picky eaters

Eating is never fundamental.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

3.

sleep deprivation, children, isolation

Adjusting the coping mechanism.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

4.

ducks, birds, fowl

I used to be cool.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

5.

naps, popcorn, movies

Naps happen.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

6.

politics, advice, education

Rolling with the punches.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

7.

emotions, therapy, emotional maturity

Tears happen.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

8.

insomnia, sleep deprivation, kids

It’s time to get up.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

9.

psychology, toddlers, family

The benefits of experience.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

10.

babies, diapers, responsibility

Is it gas?

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

11.

sociology, grief counseling, dads

Everyone gets therapy, yea.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

12.

moms, dress up, costumes

Everyone has a role to play.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

13.

doctor, medicine, pediatrics

What’s up doc?

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

14.

sports, competition, aggression

Everyone gets a participation ribbon.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

15.

theatrics, advice, Dan Gordon

Perception shifts.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

I love Gordon's comics so much because they're just about the reality of parenting — and they capture it perfectly.

There's no parenting advice, no judgment, just some humor about the common day-to-day realities that we all share.

When I ask him about the worst parenting advice he's ever received, Gordon relays this anecdote:

"I remember being an absolute sleep-deprived wreck, sitting outside a sandwich shop, wolfing down my lunch quickly beside my 1-month-old son, who was briefly resting his lungs between screaming fits.

A rather nosy woman walked up to me and said, all smugly, 'You should enjoy this time while they're easy.' It was the exact worst thing anyone could have said to me in that moment and I just wanted to curl up on the sidewalk and cry."

Who hasn't been on the receiving end of totally unneeded and unwanted advice? That's why Gordon's comics are so welcome: They offer up a space for us to all laugh about the common experiences we parents share.

Here's to Gordon for helping us chuckle (through the tears).


This article originally appeared eight years ago.

Canva

Unsolicited opinions aren't just annoying. They can be hurtful.

Sure, parents sometimes make an…interesting choice when it comes to naming their child. But the key word there is "choice." It probably goes without saying that it’s not the best move to insert an opinion on something rather personal and vulnerable like a child's name, especially when that opinion is not requested.

But nonetheless, people do cross this boundary, expressing their disapproval and giving new moms and dads yet another reason to second-guess themselves.

As one frustrated mom shared on Reddit, her own in-laws gave what she described as the “most unhinged” reaction to her newborn’s name, leaving her and her husband completely “crushed.”

At first, everything went smoothly.

“I just had a baby this week,” the mom wrote in her post. “We were still in the hospital when we announced her name and got a slew of the usual responses that normal, sane people say when hearing about the name of a baby (‘what a lovely name!’). Because saying anything different is insane, right?”

But when her husband texted his side of the family to share their newborn daughter’s name, all hell broke loose.

Mind you, these parents didn’t name their child Watermelon Gumdrop or Fern Gully or something else truly out there. The name they chose, which caused them a lot of unnecessary grief, was Rosa.

Not only does Rosa (the Spanish word for “rose”) sound lovely, it carries all poetic meaning symbolized by the flower: hope, love, and courage. What’s not to like?

a photo of a rose

Rosa is a baby girl name of Mexican origin.

Canva

But instead of celebrating their name choice, the mother-in-law apparently responded with, ““No, I don’t really like that name. I much prefer Violet.”

“We were stunned,” the woman continued. “I simply cannot imagine being a family member who’s being INFORMED of a newborn’s name, and thinking you should have input…We LOVE our daughter’s name, and did not want to have our first moments with our daughter marred by this comment.”

But wait, it gets worse.

The husband's family then called several times after their texts were ignored. The following day, the husband’s sister also sent a barrage of texts with “alternatives [that] she prefers.”

Then, when told that the entire family on the mom’s side supported the name, the mother-in-law laughed and said, “They must not have good taste—nobody here likes it. Nobody.”

Now, this next part really shows the effect this appalling behavior had on the new parents:

“We are sleep deprived. Coming down from an emotional high, during which our daughter was in NICU and I almost needed a blood transfusion because of how much blood I lost. My husband, so stoic and assured, is f**king crushed. I’m FUMING. I will NEVER forget how they made my husband feel during one of the most vulnerable and special times in his life,” the mom wrote.

Most Unhinged Reaction To Naming Your Child?
byu/UWhatMate innamenerds

People who read this woman’s story were “livid” on her behalf, and rallied to give her some long overdue support.

“What on earth is wrong with Rosa???? It’s a beautiful name!! Tell your mother-in-law she is ridiculous and she can shut up immediately, if not sooner,” one person commented.

Another pointed to how truly ridiculous this situation was, writing, “The name is ROSA? I thought from reading this that it was at least going to be a controversial name. Rosa is beautiful. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, it’s hard to find anything wrong with it. OP should take this as the sign it is and reevaluate their individual relationships with that side of the family.”

Several even suggested going into little-to-no-contact mode with that side of the family, since odds are they wouldn’t prove any more helpful in the stressful postpartum days to come.

“Tell her she doesn’t need to meet baby if she is so insistent on the name being changed,” one person commented.

Sadly, sometimes stronger boundaries must be established with those who will not respect more lenient ones, especially when it comes to family members—and especially when it comes to parents trying to raise their kids in the most healthy environment possible. Hopefully these parents were able to move forward and enjoy welcoming little Rosa into the world.


This article originally appeared last year.

A lazy dad versus an attentive father.

Many men say they want kids, but does that mean they also want to take on the full responsibilities of being a father? That’s the big question at the crux of a recent viral TikTok post that everyone who wants kids with a man should consider. The question has traditionally been, “Does he want kids?” but Abby Eckel thinks we must dig deeper.

Abby Eckel is a social media influencer and blogger who discusses women’s rights, focusing on equal division of labor in the home. In her video, she breaks down the differences between the 2 types of men. “Men are taught to want kids, but not how to be dads. There are lots of men that want to have kids. There are fewer men that want to be dads, and it's really important, as women, that we discern between the two, because they're not the same,” Eckel says.

What’s the difference between being a dad and being a father?

“A man that wants kids, he's thinking legacy. He's thinking caring on the family name, having little mini-me's running around, having kids running around, the milestones, the highlight reel,” Eckel continues. “Very few men though, when they think about, ‘I want to be a father’, are they thinking about the daily grind task, the midnight feedings, the diaper changes, the to and from of the inevitable sports that they'll play.”

@abbyeckel

I cannot emphasize these differences enough.

Eckels question is fundamental because if someone mistakes a man saying “I want kids” with “I want to be a father,” they may unwittingly sign themselves up as the default parent in a relationship. They will have to assume the mental load of parenting because dad fails to take any initiative. In this arrangement, the dad simply becomes someone who plays with the kids on occasion and has to be told what to do. This places the default parent in a position where it’s nearly impossible not to develop some resentment for their spouse.

On the other hand, a man who wants to be a father will be proactive and an equal partner in parenting duties.



Eckel believes that a big reason why some men fail to step up and become fathers is because they weren’t taught to be nurturing as children. “We bombard boys with messages about being providers, protectors. But when's the last time you actually saw a boy being taught how to nurture? How many young male babysitters do you have on your roster? I don't have any. How many little boys do you see walking around with a baby doll, feeding her, changing her diaper?” she asked.

The post resonated with many of Eckel’s followers, who think there are a lot of men out there who aren’t stepping up and taking responsibility. “Same for being married. Do they just want a wife, or do they want to BE a husband,” Dana wrote. “Being a Father and being a Dad are 2 different things. Your father is the person who helped create you, your dad is the man who helped raise you. They're not always the same person,” Izzie added.

“If you really want to see how a family acts, go to any theme park and watch a family of three or more. You can see just how much the mother goes through in a day with the kids while the father eats snacks,” Athena commented.

Ultimately, Eckel says the difference between a dad and a father is someone who takes initiative. “So, before you have kids with a man, watch how they handle responsibility. Do they take initiative on things, or are they always sitting back waiting for you to tell them what to do? Do they notice what needs to be done without being asked?” she explained.