Relationship expert tells people to never get married unless you're willing to do 3 things
"If you and your partner (both) are unable or unwilling to do these 3 things consistently forever, you won’t make it."
Relationship expert gives people advice on getting married.
Being in a relationship can be difficult at times. Learning someone else's quirks, boundaries, and deep views on the world can be eye-opening and hard. But usually, the happy chemicals released in our brain when we love someone can cause us to overlook things in order to keep the peace.
Jayson Gaddis, a relationship expert, took to Twitter to rip off people's rose-colored glasses and tell them to forego marriage. Honestly, with the divorce rate in this country being as high as it is, he probably could've stopped his tweet right there. Don't get married, the end. Many people would've probably related and not questioned the bold statement, but thankfully he followed up with three things you must be willing to do before going to the chapel.
Before going into his reasons for why he tells people not to get married, Gaddis explained that he is a person that "LOVEs being married." I mean, it would probably make him a pretty weird relationship expert if he hated relationships, so it's probably a good thing he enjoys being married. Surely his spouse appreciates his stance as well.
So why does he tell unsuspecting people not to get married? "Because a long-term partnership might be one of the hardest paths out there. It will confront everything about you and your partner. Your relationship skills will be tested. And all your unresolved childhood trauma will come to the surface," Gaddis wrote.
Unresolved childhood trauma can become a major problem in relationships because oftentimes our trauma is present in how we react to conflict or relationship strain. According to Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, childhood trauma manifests in relationships in multiple ways including fear of abandonment, being easily irritated, constantly arguing or avoiding conflict at all costs.
\u201cNever, ever get married. Unless you are willing to do these 3 things.\u201d— Jayson Gaddis (@Jayson Gaddis) 1675182104
It's not unwise to tuck that bit of information in your pocket if you're thinking about a long-term relationship, and Gaddis bringing this to the forefront will certainly benefit someone. That's not to say you can't be in a relationship if you have trauma; Gaddis is simply suggesting that you be aware of your traumas and how they may show up in the course of a relationship.
He then went on to get into his actual list of things couples should be willing to do before they get married in order to have a successful marriage.
"Learn. Learn about you, learn about them. Never stop learning about yourself and each other in the context of your relationship," he wrote, which falls right in line with his pre-numbered suggestions.
Now, the second suggestion may have people quickly raising an eyebrow, especially if they don't like conflict. Gaddis suggested embracing "conflict, adversity and challenges" and getting "very very good at repairing it and working it through 100% of the time."
\u201cSomething about long-term partnership invites us to face everything unloved and unprocessed in our psychology, neurobiology, and mammalian wiring. It is, at its core, a spiritual path.\u201d— Jayson Gaddis (@Jayson Gaddis) 1675182104
That's a good one. Conflict resolution is a skill and committing to sharpening it and using it every single time could save some relationships. The third may help preemptively alleviate some unforeseen power struggles and I'm here for it.
"Share leadership and collaborate. Being teammates about everything and sharing the load together is crucial. Be honest about how hard it is to share leadership and get better at it," Gaddis tweeted before elaborating further in the thread.
The author and relationship expert bluntly stated that if both people can't agree to do those three suggestions, then the couple would not survive. Gaddis rounded out the Twitter thread by explaining that unless you're ready to work on yourself and commit to the three things listed, you should stay single.
Ouch. Harsh words, but it's better to come from a behavior and relationship expert than anyone else.
How a DIY dress helped one woman reclaim the power words had on her body.
'We should all be able to celebrate and love ourselves without fear of criticism from others, whatever shape or size we are.'
News flash: Words have power. This is something Jojo Oldham knows all too well.
Whether you're a soap star hearing lewd comments made by a politician 10 years ago or the average woman getting catcalled on her way home from work, what other people have to say about your body leave a lasting impression.
Over Oldham's 31 years of existence, she's received countless comments about her body — both good and bad.
After years of letting these words affect how she sees herself, however, Oldham was finally ready to release them and embrace herself.
She took all the comments she's heard about her body over the years and painted them on a dress. Posing for pictures, with a smile on her face, she took the power those words had over her and refused to let them dictate her self-worth any longer.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
"The love I have for my body these days is something I've had to learn. And it requires constant maintenance," Oldham wrote on her website.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
Like so many of us, Oldham says she's been in a love-hate relationship with her body for as long as she can remember. There are days when she's thrilled with how she looks, and then there are days when she wants to delete every unflattering photo ever taken of her. The comments she would receive fanned the flame of her own insecurities.
"I had 31 years-worth of other people’s comments about my body swirling around my head and popping into it on a daily basis, and I wanted to do something positive with them," Oldham explained over email.
The dress is a badge of honor, symbolic of the fact that, while Oldham may have been called these things, she is not defined by them.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
"The comments that made the final cut have all stuck with me for different reasons," Oldham wrote. "Some because they’re really weird, some because they’re really lovely, some because they’re funny, and some because they’re particularly nasty and they really crushed me at the time."
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
"Once I learned how to be happy with myself as I am, the negative things that other people said about my body just stopped mattering to me," Oldham explained.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
Comments can do serious damage to even the strongest, most self-confident people. Oldham hopes her dress will help curtail some of that damage.
"We should all be able to celebrate and love ourselves without fear of criticism from others, whatever shape or size we are," she wrote on her website.
She hopes the work will inspire women to remember they are not the sum of the comments made about their bodies; they are so much more.