Communications expert shares the number one small talk mistake people make and how to fix it

Empathy is generally seen as a positive thing and something we want people to cultivate in themselves. The skill of feeling what others feel can help build connections between people, prevent anti-social behaviors like bullying, and aid in resolving conflict, so it's good for society as a whole when people are empathetic.

So, why are people suddenly talking about toxic empathy? Can empathy actually be bad?

There are two ways people currently reference "toxic empathy"—one that arose out of socio-political commentary (largely stemming from the 2024 book, Toxic Empathy: How Progressives Exploit Christian Compassion by conservative commentator Allie Beth Stuckey), and one based on a real psychological phenomenon that some people experience. The validity of the former is up for debate, but the latter is a common term to describe a struggle with excessive empathy that leads to self-harm.

Toxic empathy can cause distress and dysregulation.Photo credit: Canva

What is toxic empathy?

Essentially, toxic empathy (also known as hyper-empathy) is when an empathetic person over-identifies with someone else's emotions and takes them on as their own. While empathy involves the ability to feel others' emotions, toxic empathy goes a step further to intensely identifying with them, which can lead to overwhelm, burnout, and neglect of one's self.

"While 'toxic empathy' is not a real diagnosis, many clients have felt their personal experience of feeling overwhelming levels of empathy for others normalized by the society's use of the term," Kim Rippy, LPC, CCTP-II, a trauma and anxiety specialist and owner of Keystone Therapy Group, told Upworthy.

Rippy shared that clients she's had who struggled with toxic empathy found themselves frequently overwhelmed and energetically drained when trying to connect with other people. "Some clients have even been so overwhelmed with empathy for strangers in recent world events (war on Ukraine, war on Gaza, school shootings), that they become emotionally exhausted and even depressed from their high levels of empathy," she says.

Social media can fuel toxic empathy.Photo credit: Canva

In the age of 24/7 news and social media, we can "doomscroll" all manner of trauma from anywhere in the world, which certainly doesn't help people avoid empathy overload. But like any other positive quality, empathy in excess becomes unhealthy and must be moderated.

However, licensed mental health counselor Courtney Schrum says it's important to remember that having too much empathy isn't a sign of moral failing.

"Most people who struggle with toxic empathy aren’t weak, they’re wired to belong," Schrum told Upworthy. "Science shows our brains evolved to scan for belonging as a survival strategy. Humans have a fundamental biological need to belong, and our nervous systems are attuned to social cues that signal inclusion or rejection. When empathy tips into self-sacrifice, it’s often because the brain is trying too hard to protect connection. Naming that helps reframe over-giving not as failure, but as evidence of deeply human wiring, and that makes setting boundaries feel less like rejection and more like self-preservation."

Caring and compassion and empathy are good. But they can go too far.Photo credit: Canva

"The goal isn’t to care less," Schrum adds, "but to care in a way that doesn’t come at the cost of your own wellbeing. When empathy is grounded in boundaries, it becomes sustainable instead of toxic."

How to avoid toxic empathy

If you're a highly empathetic person, it can feel easy to slip into a place where you become overwhelmed and paralyzed by empathy. Here are three steps for navigating and avoiding toxic empathy:

Recognize the signs

You can't change something you don't even realize is happening, so check in with yourself if you feel like you're prone to this kind of struggle.

"Notice your body first," says Schrum. "Your nervous system often signals overload before your brain does. Tension, fatigue, or irritability are cues that you’re carrying too much."

Toxic empathy can affect your nervous system.Photo credit: Canva

Set specific boundaries for yourself

Toxic empathy is essentially empathy that goes too far, so it's important to set boundaries to rein it in.

"A prompt I recommend often is 'Do I have the power and the control to change this?' followed by 'How can I make an impact in a way that is within my boundaries (such as resources, time, finances) to offer?'" Lorain Moorehead, Licensed Psychotherapist, PMH-C, EMDR-C told Upworthy. Moorehead explains that, sometimes, people dealing with hyper-empathy might feel the instinct to take in more "hurt," like watching the news or true crime shows, because it feels in some way like taking action, even though it's not.

"A simple internal reminder like, 'Their feelings are real, but they’re not mine to solve,' helps separate empathy from over-identification," says Schrum.

Nurture your nervous system

Empathy can be exhausting even when it's not to a severe degree, so if you are a person with high empathy levels, it's important to care for yourself to avoid slipping into burnout.

Self-care exercises like journaling and spending time in nature can help you manage stress.Photo credit: Canva

"Practice recovery rituals," says Schrum. "After emotionally heavy interactions, do something that discharges stress: a walk, humming, journaling. This resets the nervous system back toward balance."

There's so much happening in the world, and we all have the ability to witness too much trauma, far too easily, all day long, thanks to our smartphones and social media. It can feel like too much, which is why it's all the more important that folks with empathy to spare take steps to ensure that they don't allow their emotional resonance to lead to self-abandonment. Empathy is good when it helps us connect with others, not when it leads to disconnection with ourselves.