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A dad's letter to himself on his worst day, from himself on his best day

"Hey man, I know today was rough. I'm really sorry. I heard it was a doozy."

A dad's letter to himself on his worst day, from himself on his best day

This article originally appeared on 11.23.16


Hey man, I know today was rough. I'm really sorry. I heard it was a doozy.

It started a lot earlier than it should have. I guess you could say the previous day never really ended.

You put your daughter down for bed around 8 p.m., like usual. You scarfed some food and chugged some NyQuil to try to knock out your throbbing cold, the one you caught from her (love those daycare germs!). Two hours later, you woke up to the sound of her coughing through the baby monitor. Then came the crying.


You rolled out of bed in a glassy-eyed, cold medicine-induced fog. You stumbled your way up the stairs to soothe her. Nothing worked. She cried every time you tried to lay her back down. Your head was throbbing. Your eyes dry and heavy. Her cries like nails on a chalkboard. You got frustrated and had to just put her down, let her cry while you walked away to cool off. "I can't do this," you thought, exhausted, drained. It didn't matter if you could do it or not because she kept crying, and she needed you.

The whole night went on like this before the sun mercifully came up.

Breakfast time. You sleepwalked your way through cooking an omelet (you burned one side, but does it really matter?). She threw it on the floor and wailed. Did she want a banana? More water? Crackers? Was something hurting? You didn't know. You just kept handing her things.

This was your entire day.

Photo by Derek Owens on Unsplash

After that, you carried her over to her toy bin and let her play. She was joyful, finally smiling and laughing. You sat, zombie-like, sipping your coffee and enjoying the brief moment of peace. Then she tripped over a wooden puzzle piece and hit the ground hard. More tears. And then more. Normally she wouldn't cry this hard, but she was sick. She wasn't herself. You picked her up and held her and kissed the boo-boo, but she wouldn't stop crying.

You put her back down because the crying in your ear was like a power drill to your temple. Normally, you'd be so much more patient and nurturing. But you weren't yourself either.

The whole day was like this. You took her to the store where she refused to stay in the cart. She wanted to run up and down the aisles, which was fine, but then she tripped and fell. Again. More tears. She threw her lunch on the floor and cried about it. You tried to put her down for a nap, but she kicked and flailed until you gave up.

It didn't matter if you could do it or not because she kept crying, and she needed you.

There were things to be done around the house: chores, projects, cleaning. You had nothing in you but medicine and whatever food you were able to scarf down between tantrums. It was all you could do to muscle your way through bath time and get her into bed.

And you weren't far behind her. You crawled into bed, drained, knowing she'd probably be up within a matter of hours, hacking and coughing and crying. Poor thing.

When it was finally quiet, you felt bad for her. She didn't mean to be a pain; she's just a baby. A baby with a cold, at that. You were so disappointed with yourself. Why couldn't you have been more patient, more loving? She had a hard day too.

You have to be better than that.

You drifted off to sleep locked in on one single thought: Maybe I'm not cut out for this dad thing.

I know your day was bad. Really bad. But mine was great, and I'm sorry, but I just need to tell someone about it.

Get this: It started at 8 a.m. 8 a.m.!

I know, I know. My daughter slept great. It's hard to believe she's so grown up. It doesn't seem that long ago that she was only sleeping a few hours here and there, then struggling through the night. Last night we put her down at 8.p.m. and didn't hear a peep out of her for 12 hours. I slept gloriously.

So. Much. Better.

Photo by Limor Zellermayer on Unsplash

The baby monitor gently crackled to life with her quietly babbling to herself. But I was already up. I climbed the stairs and pushed the door open to her room. She jumped to her feet and saw me, and she smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen and bounced up and down in her crib. As I got closer, she shot her arms into the air so I could pick her up. I did, and she laid a sleepy head on my shoulder.

She was a joy at breakfast. She sat in her chair and gulped down her banana while I cooked up an omelet (I nailed it, by the way, perfectly cooked, 10/10). I put on some music and she playfully shimmied her shoulders to the beat. When the eggs were ready, first she blew on them to cool them down, just like I taught her. She then showed off her fork skills and wolfed down the entire plate.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. There was the quick run to the store, where she helped put things in the cart and waved at every single person who passed by. Then, a trip to the park where she finally went down the big scary slide by herself. She came out the bottom giggling and ran to me.

I didn't want the day to end.

And after I kissed her good night and mommy rocked her to sleep, I was left with just one thought: I am doing pretty OK at this dad thing.

It's hard to believe sometimes that we are the same person, living the same life. But here's what I know: Tomorrow is a new day.

I don't know whether it'll be good or bad. I really don't. (I hope it's good!)

But you know what? At some point, you're going to look at that spot on the floor where your daughter tripped and face-planted, and you're going to laugh. When you think about it, it was kind of funny, right? (She was totally fine.)

And eventually you're going to find an old piece of omelet wedged under the kitchen table, covered in dust after she chucked it over her shoulder, and you're going to roll your eyes lovingly as you scoop it up and throw it away.

Take it from me: You're doing the best you can. You're going to have those days where you wish you could keep it together better, where you wish you could be the perfect parent.

But if you can just hang in there, better days are ahead. I promise.

Trust me, I just had one. And it was totally worth the wait.

Sponsored

Three women, three MS journeys: How multiple sclerosis looks different for everyone

Gina, Nathalie and Helga share their reactions to being diagnosed with MS and how they stay informed and positive in the face of ever-changing symptoms.

Courtesy of Sanofi

Helga, Nathalie and Gina all have MS, and their experiences show how differently the disease can manifest.

True

It’s been 155 years since neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot gave the first lecture on a mysterious progressive illness he called “multiple sclerosis.” Since then, we’ve learned a lot. We know MS causes the immune system to attack healthy tissue, including damaging the brain and spinal cord. Resulting symptoms can be debilitating and include fatigue, blurred vision, memory problems and weakness. Huge advancements in our understanding of MS and its underlying causes, as well as treatment advances, have been made in the past few decades, but MS remains a complex and unpredictable reality for the 2.8 million+ people diagnosed around the world.

Ironically, the only real constant for people living with MS is change. There’s no set pattern or standard progression of the disease, so each person’s experience is unique. Some people with MS have mild symptoms that worsen slowly but sometimes improve, while others can have severe symptoms that drastically alter their daily lives.

All people with MS share some things in common, however, such as the need to stay informed on the ever-evolving research, find various lines of support and try to remain hopeful as they continue living with the disease.

To better understand what navigating life with MS really looks like, three women shared their MS stories with us. Their journeys demonstrate how MS can look different for different people and interestingly, how the language used to talk about the disease can greatly impact how people understand their realities.

woman with horse, woman riding horseGina loves riding her horse, Benita.Courtesy of Sanofi

Gina—Hamburg, Germany (diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis in 2017)

When her youngest son was 4 months old, Gina started having problems with her eye. She’d soon learn she was experiencing optic neuritis—her first symptom of MS.

“Immediately after the diagnosis, I looked up facts on MS because I didn’t know anything about it,” Gina says. “And as soon as I knew what could really happen with this disease, I actually got scared.”

As her family’s primary income provider, she worried about how MS would impact her ability to work as a writer and editor. Her family was afraid she was going to end up in a wheelchair. However, for now, Gina’s MS is managed well enough that she still works full-time and is able to be active.

“When I tell somebody that I have MS, they often don't believe me the first time because I don't fulfill any stereotypes,” she says.

Overwhelmed by negative perspectives on living with MS, Gina sought support in the online MS community, which she found to be much more positive.

“I think it’s important to use as many positive words as you can when talking about MS.” It’s important to be realistic while also conveying hope, she says. “MS is an insidious disease that can cause many bad symptoms…that can be frightening, and you can't gloss over it, either.”

To give back to the online community that helped her so much, Gina started a blog to share her story and help others trying to learn about their diagnosis.

Though she deals with fatigue and cognitive dysfunction sometimes, Gina stays active swimming, biking, riding horses and playing with her sons, who are now 11 and 6.

Cognitive dysfunction is common in MS, with over half of people affected. It can impact memory, attention, planning, and word-finding. As with many aspects of MS, some people experience mild changes, while others face more challenges.

Gina says that while there’s still a lot of education about MS needed, she feels positive about the future of MS because there’s so much research being done.

woman in wheelchair holding medal, woman rowingNathalie is an award-winning rower with multiple international titles.Courtesy of Sanofi

Nathalie — Pennes Mirabeau, France (diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis in 2002)

Nathalie was a teenager and a competitive athlete when she noticed her first symptoms of MS, but it would take four years of “limbo” before she was diagnosed.

“Ultimately, the diagnosis was more of a relief, than a shock,” she says. “Because when you have signs and you don’t know why, it’s worse than knowing, in the end, what you have.”

However, learning more about the disease—and the realities of disease progression—scared her.

“That glimpse of the future was direct and traumatic,” she says. Her neurologist explained that the disease evolves differently for everyone, and her situation might end up being serious or very mild. So, she decided to stop comparing herself to others with MS.

She said to herself, “We’ll see what happens, and you’ll manage it bit by bit.”

By 2005, Nathalie’s MS had progressed to the point of needing a wheelchair. However, that has not dampened her competitive spirit.

Nathalie began her international rowing career in 2009 and has won multiple world titles, including two Paralympic medals—silver in London and bronze in Tokyo. Now, at 42, she still trains 11 times a week. Fatigue can be a problem, and sometimes hard workouts leave her with muscle stiffness and shaking, but she credits her ongoing sports career for helping her feel in tune with her body’s signals.

“Over the years, I’ve learned to listen to my body, letting my body guide when I need to stop and take breaks,” she says.

Nathalie explains that she used to only look backwards because of the initial shock of her diagnosis. In time, she stopped thinking about what she couldn’t do anymore and focused on her future. She now lives in the following mindset: “Even when doors close, don’t miss out on those that open.” Instead of focusing on what she can’t do, she focuses on the opportunities she still has. Right now, this includes her training for the 2024 Paralympic Games in Paris, where she will compete for another rowing medal.

“I only go forward,” she says. “Well, I try, anyway…It’s easy to say, it’s not always easy to do. But that’s what I try to do.”

woman exiting water after swimming, woman with great daneHelga's Great Dane has become a helpful and beloved companion.Courtesy of Sanofi

Helga—Johannesburg, South Africa (diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis in 2010)

When Helga first started having balance issues and numbness in her feet, she chalked it up to her training as a runner. But when the numbness moved to her face, she knew something was wrong. She never guessed it was MS.

“When I was diagnosed, I felt completely overwhelmed and clueless,” Helga says. “I felt that I had nowhere near enough information. I did not know anything about the disease…I had no idea that it was going to be a process of continually monitoring and adjusting your lifestyle.”

In the beginning, Helga’s symptoms developed slowly, and she didn’t appear ill to others. She was even able to run for a few years after her diagnosis, but she couldn’t do marathons anymore, and she began to fall frequently due to balance issues and right-foot dragging. Then her cognition issues became more problematic, especially in her job as a trainer in a printing company.

“My executive function, decision-making and short-term memory were affected to the point that I was eventually medically unfit for work,” she says. She stopped working in 2017.

However, she didn’t stop living life. Even though she could no longer run, she continued to swim competitively. She got a Great Dane puppy and trained him as a service dog to help her walk. She also serves as vice chair of the patient support organization Multiple Sclerosis South Africa, and she advises others who have been diagnosed to join a patient advocacy group as soon as possible to get reliable information and meet others with MS.

Helga says she is “hopeful” about the future of MS. “I must say that I am so grateful that we have all the new medications available, because my life would not be the same if it wasn't for that,” she adds.

Part of how she manages her MS is by looking at the positives.

“If I could tell the world one thing about MS, it would be that MS is an incurable disease of the nervous system, but it's also the greatest teacher of valuing your health, family, friends, and managing change in your life,” she says. “My life is diversified in a way that I never, ever thought it would, and MS has been honestly the greatest teacher.”

Each MS journey is unique – with each person impacted experiencing different struggles, successes, and feelings as they manage this unpredictable disease. But the common thread is clear – there is a critical need for information, support, and hope. We are proud to participate in World MS Day and share these incredible stories of living life while living with MS. To learn more about MS, go to https://www.sanofi.com/why-words-really-matter-when-it-comes-to-multiple-sclerosis.

MAT-GLB-2301642-v1.0-05/2023

This article was sponsored by Sanofi. Participants were compensated when applicable.

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