+
upworthy
More

5 things every new dad should do to crush the first year of fatherhood.

This week, my son had his first birthday. The last year has changed my life a lot, and I believe I have changed as a person too.

It was important to me from the very beginning that I wouldn’t be just the secondary parent. Although we live in the 21st century, it seems we are stuck in roles that are from the 1950s when it comes to parenting.

If you’d like to be an active father and an equal parent, here are a few things I learned throughout my first year as a father that might help you along your way:


1. Start talking early about the details.

Whenever people give a couple the advice to talk with each other, it seems like such a no-brainer. It seems ridiculous to even mention it. But when it comes to parenting and the question of which role you want to take on (and maybe which one you don’t) it is just so important.

I suggest you start talking really early about your ideas, as specifically as possible.

For example: When my wife and I started to discuss our parental leave while she was still pregnant, we realized that we had quite different ideas of “equal.” Only when we talked about how many months I really wanted to stay at home full-time and how much I wanted to reduce work hours after that did we realize that our ideas diverged.

Let’s just split 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever is still very general. But when you start to think about what that actually means, then you’ll have the important discussions. Suddenly it becomes something like this:

Partner 1: “Let’s do the 50/50 model. That means I’ll start work at 9:00 a.m. and leave at 1:00 p.m. Oh, wait a minute, Thursday I usually have a meeting at 9:00 a.m. and one at 3:00 p.m., which I really can’t miss. So I’ll just stay longer that one day. Ah … and maybe sometimes Monday too.”

Partner 2: “So what does that mean? I just work whenever you choose to be available? How am I supposed to plan that at my work? By the way, I need to be at the office Monday morning as well. And I can’t just always go to work at 2:00 p.m.“

That’s the moment when it gets interesting and when the actual discussions start. So stop making general comments and be specific early on. How? Write a plan, draw a sketch, create a shared calendar. Just be sure to be specific.

2. Take as much time off as you can.

When our son was born I stayed at home with my wife for about two months. Throughout the first year, I took another three months off and reduced my work time to 75%. I was lucky to live in Germany at the time I became a father, where it was technically possible to leave my job for up to 12 months while getting partially paid. Not everyone has that option, but I encourage everyone to get as much time at home with the baby as possible. Even if you can't stay home, dialing back your working hours just a little can make a huge difference.

Everything seems so peaceful and quiet before baby's arrival. Soon you'll need every pair of hands. All photos by Manuel Grossmann, used with permission

The first few months, my wife and I were both struggling with the new life, the lack of sleep, and all the new challenges and worries.

When I look at the pictures from those days, I think “Gee, we look terrible.” It is a funny mixture of what seems to be the longest sleepover ever (we were wearing PJs all the time) and the night after a rough party (messy hair, sleepy look…). But besides the fact that this is a time when there is more than enough work for two people, it is also a time that you really don’t want to miss as a father.

During those first weeks, my son and I got to know each other. I learned how to hold him, how to dress him, how to change his nappies (of course), and how to calm him down, etc.

Not everyone has that option, but I encourage everyone to get as much time at home with the baby as possible

I know a lot of fathers who were at home very little during that time or not at all due to work-related travel. In these cases, the learning curve of the mother was just so much steeper than the father’s because the mother was at home all the time.

I’ve met fathers with six-month-old babies who can’t bring their children to bed by themselves, are not able to calm them down during the night, or never stay home alone with them. This is not because fathers are genetically less connected to their child. It is simply the lack of practice that makes fathers feel uncomfortable or that the child has established those routines with the mother alone and gets irritated when suddenly the father tries to do it.

This is the time to create a strong bond between you and your child from day one. It’s not a vacation — there were times when I was tired beyond anything I’d experienced — but it helped me deepen my relationship with my son. Try not to miss that chance!

Parental leave is fun and work at the same time, like preparing and feeding lunch every day.

3. Get organized.

When you really boil it down, your daily routine after your child is born changes because of two major differences: lack of sleep and lack of time. Lack of sleep is something you get used to much quicker than you’d expect. Lack of time is what I found most challenging.

Before our son was born, my wife and I were both very active people. During the day we’d work and meet people for coffee or lunch. In the evening, we’d go out, meet friends, join professional meet-ups, or work on our own projects. Once there is a little human who needs care and attention literally 24 hours a day, your life changes quite dramatically.

I read a really good book that suggested a strict shared calendar for everything. We tried this out and it worked extremely well for us. Our calendar includes work slots, child care slots, and external babysitting. So far so good. What made the real difference is that we added individual free time and couple time as predefined placeholders. We agreed they were equally important to anything else in the calendar. Each of us had one evening per week for ourselves. This allowed us to see friends, go to meet-ups, or whatever. We also made sure to plan in regular date nights for which we would get a babysitter.

If you get organized, you'll both have time for things you enjoy as individuals. I took a print making class.

Without free time for yourself and for you as a couple, you lose a lot of your life and become dissatisfied. This will eventually have an impact on your relationship and the way you interact with your child.

4. Include your child whenever possible.

It seems a lot of people exit the world they used to live in once they become parents. But contrary to popular belief, you actually don’t change completely as a person the moment you become a parent.

Once you get over the first three months, normal life starts to come back if you allow it to. And you’d be surprised how many events you can actually attend with your child. Before our son turned one, my wife and I went to conferences, birthday parties, weddings, and even business meetings!

What I found much harder than actually bringing my son to these events was the idea of doing it. I was simply scared. However, most people are very supportive and happy when you bring your child.

For some of the events, I found it easier to go there with my wife and take turns if necessary.

Give it a try and see what works best for you. Just don’t decline invitations to all the things you still want to do.

5. Get support and ask for help.

It has always seemed odd to let other people do the things that I could do myself. When I became a parent, this attitude changed — a lot. As I said, your daily routine will change dramatically once the little one arrives. Suddenly, individual and couple time as well as sleep will be your most precious resources. Don’t waste them on things you might as well outsource.

One of the first things we did was to get someone to clean our apartment once a week. This saved us so much stress and arguments that I honestly think it was one of the best value for money investments ever.

But there are other things you can outsource. For example, I became a regular customer of services that send pre-packed recipes to your house.

Besides professional help and services, there is, of course, your family. If your family is around, then you’re lucky.

In the beginning I didn’t like the idea of my mum cooking lunch for me — it felt like going back in time and losing my independence. But when she came over with a delicious meal ready to be eaten, all doubts vanished and I was deeply thankful. Often, the small things matter the most. Like my parents or in-laws coming over and taking our son for a short walk in the park while we take a nap. Or my sister-in-law coming over to babysit while we go on a date.

One of the meals my mother brought over.

The thing about help is, it won’t magically appear on your doorstep. Often you’ll need to ask for it. This seems so hard, but once you do, you’ll discover it is worth it. So swallow your pride and ask family and close friends for help.

Believe me, it’s worth it.

The bottom line? Life is a list of priorities.

In my opinion, life is a list of priorities. You can have (pretty much) everything you want — just not everything at the same time. It is easy to find reasons why certain solutions work for others but just not for you. In most of these cases, however, they don’t work for you because you don’t want them bad enough.

Way up on top of my list: my son.

Decide what is important to you. If necessary, put these things on a list and prioritize them. Everything on on the list is either more or less important than something else.

Whatever is on top of your list is a conscious choice. And only you are responsible for it.

Image from YouTube video.

An emotional and strong Matt Diaz.


Matt Diaz has worked extremely hard to lose 270 pounds over the past six years.

But his proudest moment came in March 2015 when he decided to film himself with his shirt off to prove an important point about body positivity and self-love.

Keep ReadingShow less
Community

Man uses social media to teach others ASL so kids don't experience what he did as a child

Every child should be able to communicate in a way that works best for them.

Man teaches people ASL so no child experiences what he did

People start communicating from the moment they enter the world usually through cries, faces, grunts and squeals. Once infants move into the toddler phase the combine all of their previous communication skills with pointing and saying a few frequently used words like "milk," "mama," "dada" and "eat."

Children who are born without the ability to hear often still go through those same stages with the exception of their frequently used words being in sign language. But not all hearing parents know sign language, which can stunt the language skills of their non-hearing child. Ronnie McKenzie is an American Sign Language advocate that uses social media to teach others how to sign so deaf and nonverbal kids don't feel left out.

"But seriously i felt so isolated 50% of my life especially being outside of school i had NONE to sign ASL with. Imagine being restricted from your own language," McKenzie writes in his caption.

Keep ReadingShow less
Family

Wife says husband's last name is so awful she can't give it to her kids. Is she right?

"I totally get we can’t shield kids from everything, and I understand the whole family ties thing, but c’mon."

A wife pleads with her husband to change their child's name.

Even though it’s 2023 and schools are much more concerned with protecting children from bullying than in the past, parents still have to be aware that kids will be kids, and having a child with a funny name is bound to cause them trouble.

A mother on Reddit is concerned that her future children will have the unfortunate last name of “Butt,” so she asked people on the namenerds forum to help her convince her husband to name their child something different.

(Note: We’re assuming that the person who wrote the post is a woman because their husband is interested in perpetuating the family name, and if it were a same-sex relationship, a husband probably wouldn’t automatically make that assumption.)

"My husband’s last name is Butt. Can someone please help me illuminate to him why this last name is less than ideal,” she asked the forum. “I totally get we can’t shield kids from everything and I understand the whole family ties thing, but c'mon. Am I being unreasonable by suggesting our future kid either take my name, a hybrid, or a new one altogether?"

Keep ReadingShow less
Joy

Bus driver comes to the rescue for boy who didn't have an outfit for school's Pajamas Day

“It hurt me so bad…I wanted him to have a good day. No child should have to miss out on something as small as pajama day.”

Representative Image from Canva

One thoughtful act can completely turn someone's day around.

On the morning just before Valentine’s Day, school bus driver Larry Farrish Jr. noticed something amiss with Levi, one of his first grade passengers, on route to Engelhard Elementary, part of Jefferson County Public School (JCPS) in Louisville, Kentucky.

On any other day, the boy would greet Farrish with a smile and a wave. But today, nothing. Levi sat down by himself, eyes downcast, no shining grin to be seen. Farrish knew something was up, and decided to inquire.

With a “face full of tears,” as described on the JCPS website, Levi told Farrish that today was “Pajama Day” at school, but he didn’t have any pajamas to wear for the special occasion.
Keep ReadingShow less
via Imgur

Memories of testing like this gets people fired up.

It doesn't take much to cause everyone on the internet to go a little crazy, so it's not completely surprising that an incorrect answer on a child's math test is the latest event to get people fired up.

The test in question asked kids to solve "5 x 3" using repeated addition. Under this method, the correct answer is "5 groups of 3," not "3 groups of 5." The question is typical of Common Core but has many questioning this type of standardized testing and how it affects learning.

Keep ReadingShow less
Joy

There are over 30 years between these amazing before-and-after photos.

"It's important for me for my photography to make people smile."

All photos by Chris Porsz/REX/Shutterstock.

Before and after photos separated by 30 years.


Chris Porsz was tired of studying sociology.

As a university student in the 1970s, he found the talk of economics and statistics completely mind-numbing. So instead, he says, he roamed the streets of his hometown of Peterborough, England, with a camera in hand, snapping pictures of the people he met and listening to their stories. To him, it was a far better way to understand the world.

He always looked for the most eccentric people he could find, anyone who stood out from the crowd. Sometimes he'd snap a single picture of that person and walk away. Other times he'd have lengthy conversations with these strangers.

Keep ReadingShow less