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Family

Parents are having a huge debate right now about whether it's right to use apps to track their kids

Families are all over the map on this one.

Life360; tracking apps; teens; parenting; young adults
Castorly Stock|Canva

Parents debate over tracking teens through apps.

If you're ever bored on a weeknight, just drop into a mom group and ask about their thoughts on Life360 or some other app used to locate children. I guarantee it'll make you feel like the most popular kid in town with how many notifications you'll get, either in support of the app or telling you that it's the worst invention ever.

This question inevitably pops up in a few social media mom groups I belong to at least once a month, and every month there's a battle for who will win the best parent trophy. There's no trophy though, unless the trophy is high blood pressure from arguing with strangers on the internet about children you'll never meet. If that's the prize, then I've won two of them.

The first time I saw this question posed, I didn't think anything of it. I answered the question explaining that I had my daughter download it before she moved across the country for college in a fairly dangerous city. To my surprise, I was met with a deluge of comments telling me how horrible of a parent I was for making my daughter carry around a "tracking device."

That was the first time I made the mistake of answering that question. The second time was under similar circumstances with similar results, except that time I didn't defend my choices. I simply muted the conversation and went on about my business. So what is it about these apps that makes parents absolutely rabid? From my very nonscientific research, I've noticed a pattern. There seem to be four different camps of parents with wildly different ideas on parenting older teens and young adults when it comes to tracking their locations.

There's a camp of parents that believe once a child reaches around the age of 16, they should be trusted to make appropriate decisions. This is also the group that firmly believes at the age of 18, children are adults and should be treated as such, but like, still give them money, pay all their bills and don't expect them to contribute monetarily to the home.

woman in white shirt using smartphone

Parents disagree about tracking apps like Life360.

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

The second group believes these apps are an invasion of privacy and abused to stalk your children, which is often followed up by an anecdote about an abusive parent that used the app to control their child's movements.

In the third group, we have the Anxious Annies that use the app like a security blanket, forgetting that it's there until it's an hour past curfew and you're worried your kid has crashed into a ditch. But then you realize the app hasn't alerted you to a crash so you check their location and see they're still at their friend's house. That's me. I'm an Anxious Annie, and I'm OK with that.

In the last group, parents use the app as an extra tool for safety while their kids are out of the house. Life360 has a plan that's cheaper than AAA that provides everyone in your circle roadside assistance and an emergency button if anyone ever feels unsafe. When you tap the emergency button, the app will drop your location to everyone in your circle and call the police. It will also inform emergency personnel and your entire circle if you're in an accident.

But who's right? It's hard to say because everyone has a different parenting philosophy and every child is different. What works for one family may not work for another. As for me, my children track me more than I could ever dream of tracking them. My secret trips to Target or to sit in silence shoving some sort of greasy fast food in my face have come to an end because now I get sent orders and grocery lists unprompted.

It should be noted that children can turn off their location at any time or hack the system and set their location to one place when they're actually at another. Ultimately, the apps will still come down to trust and maintaining an open relationship whether you believe in the app or not.

So, do you track your kids? Do your kids track you? This inquiring mind wants to know.

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Family

15 hilarious parenting comics that are almost too real

They're funny because they're true.

via Fowl Language

Fowl Language by Brian Gordon


Brian Gordon is a cartoonist. He's also a dad, which means he's got plenty of inspiration for the parenting comics he creates for his website, Fowl Language (not all of which actually feature profanity).

He covers many topics, but it's his hilarious parenting comics that are resonating with parents everywhere.

"My comics are largely autobiographical," Gordon tells me. "I've got two kids who are 4 and 7, and often, what I'm writing happened as recently as that very same day."

Gordon shared 15 of his oh-so-real comics with us. They're all funny 'cause they're true.

Let's get started with his favorite, "Welcome to Parenting," which Gordon says sums up his comics pretty well. "Parenting can be such tedious drudgery," he says, "but if it wasn't also so incredibly rewarding there wouldn't be nearly so many people on the planet."

Truth.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

1.

parenting, comics, humor

“Welcome to parenting."

via Fowl Language

All comics are shared here with Gordon's express permission. These comics are all posted on his website, in addition to his Facebook page. You can also find a "bonus" comic that goes with each one by clicking the "bonus" link. Original. Bonus.

2.

food allergies, fussy, picky eaters

Eating is never fundamental.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

3.

sleep deprivation, children, isolation

Adjusting the coping mechanism.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

4.

ducks, birds, fowl

I used to be cool.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

5.

naps, popcorn, movies

Naps happen.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

6.

politics, advice, education

Rolling with the punches.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

7.

emotions, therapy, emotional maturity

Tears happen.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

8.

insomnia, sleep deprivation, kids

It’s time to get up.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

9.

psychology, toddlers, family

The benefits of experience.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

10.

babies, diapers, responsibility

Is it gas?

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

11.

sociology, grief counseling, dads

Everyone gets therapy, yea.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

12.

moms, dress up, costumes

Everyone has a role to play.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

13.

doctor, medicine, pediatrics

What’s up doc?

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

14.

sports, competition, aggression

Everyone gets a participation ribbon.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

15.

theatrics, advice, Dan Gordon

Perception shifts.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

I love Gordon's comics so much because they're just about the reality of parenting — and they capture it perfectly.

There's no parenting advice, no judgment, just some humor about the common day-to-day realities that we all share.

When I ask him about the worst parenting advice he's ever received, Gordon relays this anecdote:

"I remember being an absolute sleep-deprived wreck, sitting outside a sandwich shop, wolfing down my lunch quickly beside my 1-month-old son, who was briefly resting his lungs between screaming fits.

A rather nosy woman walked up to me and said, all smugly, 'You should enjoy this time while they're easy.' It was the exact worst thing anyone could have said to me in that moment and I just wanted to curl up on the sidewalk and cry."

Who hasn't been on the receiving end of totally unneeded and unwanted advice? That's why Gordon's comics are so welcome: They offer up a space for us to all laugh about the common experiences we parents share.

Here's to Gordon for helping us chuckle (through the tears).


This article originally appeared on 07.11.16

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Men's Health

A therapist is blowing minds by explaining how men can have sex with men and still be straight

"When straight men have sex with men, it's not a gay thing. It's a guy thing."

via Pexels and @drjoekort / TikTok

Gay sex and relationships therapist Dr. Joe Kort is causing a stir on TikTok where he explains why straight men who have sex with men can still be considered straight. If a man has sex with a man doesn't it ultimately make him gay or bisexual?

According to Kort, there can be a big chasm between our sexual and romantic orientations.

"Straight men can be attracted to the sex act, but not to the man. Straight men having sex with men doesn't cancel somebody's heterosexuality any more than a straight woman having sex with a woman cancels her [heterosexuality]," he says in the video.


@drjoekort #Straightmen can be with a man and still be straight #malesexuality #kinktiktok #sexualfluidity
♬ bee - Burbank

Kort says he isn't erasing bisexuality, but that it's an entirely different phenomenon from straight men who have sex with men. Bisexual men are attracted to both men and women romantically, but straight men who have sex with other men, are only into the sex, not the person.

"When straight men have sex with men, it's not a gay thing. It's a guy thing," he explains in a later video.

For the man who has sex with other men and considers himself straight, it's more about getting off than getting close.

The video has had a lot of negative comments, most saying that men who have sex with men are gay or bisexual, case-closed. "Can I eat steak and still be vegan?" one commenter asks.

Many also accused Kort of being mildly homophobic for giving straight men the option to have gay sex without having to confront the notion they may be gay or bisexual.

Kort's videos point out the seldom-discussed idea that sexual and romantic attraction are not the same thing. Then, by adding the twist that someone can be into sex with a certain gender without feeling any romantic pull, makes things even more confusing.

@drjoekort There's a #difference between your #attraction and your #fantasies #lesbians #women #straightmen #lgbt
♬ Up Beat (Married Life) - Kenyi

The type of men that Kort describes could be aroused by another man sexually, but wouldn't feel comfortable or have any interest in being emotionally intimate with them. In fact, the emotional intimacy with another man may make them uncomfortable. It's just sex for sex's sake and what's wrong with that?

This same type of man may enjoy fantasizing about gay sex or watching gay pornography while having little interest in actually performing the act in real life.

Kort further explained his thoughts in a subsequent video.

"When I'm talking about straight men who sleep with men, I'm talking about a difference between who you're attracted to and what fantasies you have in your head. You have a sexual orientation and an erotic orientation," he says.

"And the things that are embedded in your erotic orientation that turn you on, that bring you to the finish line, can include other genders. You can imagine yourself being another gender," he continues.

Kort does a great job at explaining the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and that, for some, it spans gender. It may also help some men who are only into guys sexually and are unsure why they have zero romantic interest in someone, feel a little less confused.


This article originally appeared on 3.2.21

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Family

Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Nature

Here's the first ever footage of a baby sperm whale nursing from its mother

How baby sperm whales nurse has been a scientific mystery for decades.

National Geographic/YouTube

We know that mammals feed their young with milk from their own bodies, and we know that whales are mammals. But the logistics of how some whales make breastfeeding happen has been a bit of a mystery for scientists. Such has been the case with sperm whales.

Sperm whales are uniquely shaped, with humongous, block-shaped heads that house the largest brains in the animal world. Like other cetaceans, sperm whale babies rely on their mother's milk for sustenance in their first year or two. And also like other cetaceans, a sperm whale mama's nipple is inverted—it doesn't stick out from her body like many mammals, but rather is hidden inside a mammary slit.

Most whale and dolphin babies nudge the mammary slit to expose the nipple, allowing them to "suckle." A sperm whale baby's head and mouth aren't really designed for suckling in the traditional sense, obviously, as its massive nose protrudes over its much smaller lower jaw. But even in the whale sense of mom shooting milk into a baby's mouth, it's been unclear how it works for sperm whales due to their oddly shaped heads. Photos and observations have led researchers to believe that the mother whale expresses milk into the water for the baby to ingests outside of her body, but the real mechanics haven't been clearly understood.

With the proliferation of underwater photography and filmography, it may seem strange that we don't have more nursing whale evidence to examine, but because baby whales can't breathe and nurse at the same time, nursing events are usually quite short. Even being in the right place at the right time to observe a whale nursing is rare, much less capturing it on film.

A four-part documentary series from National Geographic has provided, for the first time, film footage of a sperm whale baby nursing. It shows how the baby actually inserting its lower jaw into the mother's mammary slit, and the milk—which contains ten times more fat than human milk and is the consistency of yogurt—shooting directly into the baby whale's mouth.

Sperm Whale Suckles | National Geographicwww.youtube.com

The documentary series containing this footage, "Secrets of the Whales," was conceived of by National Geographic Explorer and photographer Brian Skerry and follows the stories of five different whale species—narwhals, humpbacks, belugas, sperm whales, and orcas. It was filmed in 24 locations around the world and took three years to make. Produced by award-winning filmmaker and conservationist James Cameron (of "Titanic" and "Avatar" fame) and narrated by award-winning actress and conservationist Sigourney Weaver, the series is sure to please whale lovers and nature lovers alike.

In addition to sperm whale babies breastfeeding, the docuseries shows how beluga whales name themselves so groups can keep track of each other, how baby belugas share their moms' call signs, how 30,000 humpbacks travel together from Australia to Antarctica and use breeches to talk to each other, and how a beluga pod adopted a narwhal into their bod—apparently the first ever cross-species adoption ever recorded.

Executive Producer James Cameron called the series a "challenging, daunting project" in a SXSW Conference panel last month."It's also so important for people to understand and for this film to illuminate how these creatures think, how they feel, what their emotion is like, what their society is like," he said, "because we won't protect what we don't love."

The series premiers on streaming service Disney+ on Earth Day, April 22.

Secrets of the Whales | Official Trailer | Disney+www.youtube.com

The filmmakers hope that by sharing with people the unique identities of the whales they followed, they can inspire people to think about how these magnificent mammals can be better protected.

"It's inescapable that they're being poisoned by us, that they're being deafened by us, or their behaviors, all of their feeding strategies and mating strategies and reproductive strategies are being dismantled by all of this noise from shipping channels and military sonars and all that," Cameron said. "They're going to continue to decline. The right whales are down to about 300…We barely understand these animals, so I think we have to, as a society, we have to think about doing it better."

Indeed we do.


This article originally appeared on 4.13.21

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Family

Mom's humiliating airport security experience shows why breastfeeding education is needed

An understanding of how breastfeeding and pumping work could have prevented this whole scenario.

Emily Calandrelli/Twitter

Emily Calandrelli was stopped by TSA agents when she tried to bring her ice packs for pumped milk through airport security.

Traveling without your baby for the first time can be tough. And if you're breastfeeding, it can be even tougher, as you have to pump milk every few hours to keep your body producing enough, to avoid an enormous amount of discomfort and to prevent risk of infection.

But for Emily Calandrelli, taking a work trip away from her 10-week-old son was far more challenging than it needed to be.

Calandrelli is a mom of two, an aerospace engineer and the host of the Netflix kids' science show "Emily's Wonder Lab." She was recently taking her first work trip since welcoming her second child, which included a five-hour flight from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. Calandrelli is breastfeeding her son and had planned to pump just before boarding the plane. She brought ice packs to keep the milk from spoiling during the flight, but when she tried to go through airport security, the TSA agents refused to let her take some of her supplies.

Calendrelli shared the whole saga in a Twitter thread, which she initially deleted because she was embarrassed and anxious about the confrontation. She reshared the story in a new thread, saying, "They make too many mothers feel this way, so I'm going to talk about it bc this needs to stop."

She explained that she was going through LAX security with two freezer bags, one of which was frozen. She only needed one frozen bag for the departing trip, but would need both of them for her return when she'd have more milk to keep cold.

"Two male TSA agents told me I couldn't bring my ice packs through because they weren't frozen solid," she wrote. "I asked to speak to someone else and they had their boss come over and he told me the same thing." He said that if she had milk on her or the baby with her, it wouldn't be a problem. He also asked where the baby was multiple times.

Two things: 1) Why would she have breast milk with her on a departing flight when she had just left her baby? And 2) If the baby were with her, it likely wouldn't be an issue at all because she likely wouldn't have needed to pump in the first place.

Calendrelli said she asked multiple times to speak to a female agent and was refused. "They escorted me out of line and forced me to check my cold packs, meaning I couldn’t pump before my flight for fear it would spoil," she wrote.

Technically, she still could have pumped to relieve engorgement and keep her pumping schedule and just dumped out the milk rather than storing it. But throwing out breast milk isn't ideal, especially when you're trying to manage your supply with a baby's demand.

And as it turns out, the TSA agents were wrong. Passengers are allowed to have gel ice packs for medical purposes, and they do not have to be frozen.

But their understanding of the policy aside, the fact that they couldn't deduce the need for the packs based on the reality of pumping breast milk speaks to the need for a broader education about breastfeeding.

Calandrelli shared that moms had flooded her inbox with their own TSA horror stories after she shared hers. "It is infuriatingly common to encounter @TSA agents who don't know their OWN rules around bringing breast milk/formula pumping equipment on planes," she wrote.

"Yesterday I was humiliated that I had to explain to three grown men that my breasts still produce milk when I’m not with my child," she added. "Yesterday I was embarrassed telling them about my fear of mastitis if I didn’t pump. Today I’m furious."

She also shared that the TSA agent treated her like "a petulant child, trying to sneak her toy through security" when he told her not to "try to sneak it back through another time."

"There's so much pressure to breastfeed, but @TSA makes it impossible," Calandrelli wrote. "It's yet another system in place that makes it harder for women to get back to work after they've started a family."

Indeed, there are so many ways in which our society is not supportive of motherhood, regardless of the lip service paid to it. According to the CDC, more than 80% of babies are breastfed as newborns and more than half are breastfeeding at six months. Not all of those babies are necessarily exclusively breastfed, but it is recommended—and not uncommon—for breast milk to be a baby's only food source for the first six months.

So we're talking about millions of breastfeeders at any given time, many of whom will travel at some point without their babies and need to pump. And yet we have so many people who are clueless about breastfeeding. Shouldn't the general population have a better understanding of how it works, considering that it's a basic biological function and common experience? Isn't this something we should be teaching in schools? It seems like it would be far more useful and valuable knowledge than much of what we force kids to learn and memorize.

If those agents had understood how breastfeeding and pumping work, there wouldn't have been an issue at all. Pumping is, indeed, a medical need when a breastfeeder is away from their baby for a length of time. The agents wouldn't have asked such bafflingly clueless questions or acted like this mom was doing something wrong.

If we really want to be a society that values families and supports babies, we need to make sure the basics of biology are understood and that systems don't make things harder on parents than they need to be.


Thia article originally appeared on 5.16.22

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