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The incredible story of baby Eva Grace: the superhero who never lived.

My wife Keri and I went in for the standard 19-week anatomy scan of our second child. As a parent, you think that appointment is all about finding out boy or girl, but it’s about a whole lot more.

In our case, our daughter was diagnosed with a rare birth defect called anencephaly — some 3 in 10,000 pregnancies rare. The phrase our doctor used in explaining it was "incompatible with life," which looks as terrible in words as it sounds. The child fails to develop the frontal lobe of the brain or the top of their skull. The chance of survival is 0%. We sat in a doctor’s office, five months before our daughter was to be born, knowing she would die.

The options weren’t great. There was (a) inducing early, which in effect was terminating the pregnancy or (b) continuing the pregnancy to full term.


Within a minute or so of finding out, Keri asked if we could donate the baby’s organs if we went to full term. It was on her heart and mind, but we left the doctor and still spent the next 48 hours deciding what we were going to do. It was excruciating. We considered terminating. We had to. Were we capable of taking on the weight of the 20 weeks ahead? In our minds, we were intentionally taking on the loss of a child, rather than the loss of a pregnancy. And, yes, there is a difference.

We decided to continue, and we chose the name Eva for our girl, which means "giver of life."

The mission was simple: get Eva to full term, welcome her into this world to die, and let her give the gift of life to some other hurting family.

It was a practical approach, with an objective for an already settled ending point. We met with an organ procurement organization called LifeShare of Oklahoma and found out we’d be the eighth family in the state to donate the organs of an infant.

There wasn’t much of a precedent or process in place because, until only recently, most parents of anencephalic babies didn’t know it was an option. There’s this weird gray area involved because, even without a brain, these babies can’t be declared brain dead. Her heart would need to stop beating, leaving a finite window of, let’s call it, "opportunity," to recover her kidneys, liver, and maybe pancreas and heart valves. We asked about other things, like her eyes or corneas, but LifeShare told us they’d never done that before, even with an adult.

All photos by Mitzi Aylor/Alyor Photography. Used with the permission of Royce Young.

Part of the difficulty of the decision to carry on was the physical pregnancy and the mental burden of carrying a baby for 20 more weeks knowing she would die. The kicks and punches to Keri’s bladder served as a constant reminder of what was inside. (Yes, Eva kicked like any other baby; her brainstem was complete, which is what controls basic motor functions. I know, we had a hard time wrapping our minds around it too.) She feared people asking what she was having or the due date or if the nursery was ready.

What we unexpectedly found, though, was joy in the pregnancy. We happily talked about our sweet Eva, and day by day, our love for her grew. We got excited to be her parents.

I think a big part of that was connected to the decision we made to continue on, which was empowering. She had a name, an identity, and a purpose. The idea of choice in pregnancy is a complicated one, and one I kind of want to avoid here. Wherever you fall, just know, we were empowered by our decision, our responsibility to be Eva’s mom and dad for as long as we could. We went from seeing the pregnancy as a vehicle to help others to looking forward to holding her, kissing her, telling her about her brother, and being her parents.

The time we’d have was completely unknown, with it ranging anywhere from five seconds to five minutes to five hours to, in some more optimistic estimates, five days.

We decided to have a planned C-section. We wanted to maximize our chances of seeing Eva alive and be able to control as many variables as possible.

There wouldn’t be any surprise labor in the middle of the night. We could have our first child Harrison there to meet his sister and grandparents ready to hold their granddaughter even if she was only alive for an hour or so. We wanted to do what was best for our girl. That’s what parents do.

As the date neared, the meetings and appointments cranked up. We had what everyone called the "Big Meeting," a gathering at Baptist Hospital of about 30 people that included multiple people from LifeShare, NICU nurses and doctors, neonatologists, and other "Very Important Hospital People." We were the first infant organ donor ever at Baptist, and they were developing a protocol on the fly. There were plans and contingency plans and contingency plans for the contingency plans.

The process was going to be delicate, and to be frank, it seemed increasingly unlikely that it would work. There were a lot of things that were going to need to go just right, even with the intricate plans that were being put in place. It was made clear to us over and over and over again how if Eva’s kidneys or liver didn’t go directly for transplant, they would go to research, and infant organ research is incredibly valuable.

But I wanted a tangible outcome. I wanted to be able to meet and hug and shake the hand of the person my daughter saved.

I couldn’t dream about what my daughter would grow up to be, so I fantasized about the difference she could make.

What if the person who got her kidneys became president? What if her liver went to a little boy and he goes on to win the Heisman Trophy? I was writing the "30 for 30" script in my mind every night as I went to sleep. It was something to hold onto; it was the kind of hope I wrapped up with both arms. Research was nothing more than a fail-safe to me, a Plan B that I didn’t want any part of.

There were some concerns from the hospital's ethics team about Eva and our plans. As I explained to them — and to anyone else out there who has this idea that we grew a daughter just for her organs — Eva was a terminal child. And as her parents, we elected to make her an organ donor. That’s it. She would be born, live an indefinite amount of time, and then we were choosing to donate her organs.

Then suddenly, we were in the two-week window. In two weeks, we’d be prepping to welcome our baby girl into the world and preparing to say goodbye to her.

I planned on sitting down that day to write Eva a letter, like I did before Harrison was born to give him on his 18th birthday. She’d never read it, but I was going to read it to her. Keri didn’t feel Eva move much that morning, but we both brushed it off and went to lunch. We came home, put Harrison down for a nap, and Keri sat down in her favorite spot and prodded Eva to move. She wouldn’t.

We started to worry. Keri got up, walked around, drank cold water, ate some sugary stuff. She sat back down and waited. Maybe that was something? We decided to go to the hospital. We held on to hope that we were just being overly anxious and didn’t take any bags.

We arrived, and a nurse looked for a heartbeat on the doppler: nothing. Not unusual; it was sometimes hard to find because of the extra fluid. They brought in a bedside ultrasound machine and looked. It seemed that maybe there was a flicker of cardiac activity. They told us to get ready to rush in for a C-section.

I just remember repeating, "I’m not ready I’m not ready I’m not ready I’m not ready." I was supposed to have two more weeks. What about the plan? What about Harrison? What about Eva’s aunts and uncles and grandparents? What if they couldn’t make it in time? What about her letter?

They brought in a better ultrasound machine. Keri and I had seen enough ultrasounds to immediately know: There was no heartbeat. Eva was gone before we ever got to meet her. The brain controls steady heart functions, and Eva’s finally gave out.

Keri rolled onto her side and put both hands over her face and let out one of those raw, visceral sobbing bursts. I stood silently shaking my head.

We had tried to do everything right, tried to think of others, tried to take every possible step to make this work, and it didn’t. No organ donation. Not even for research, our fail-safe. We felt cheated.

The word I still have circling in my head is disappointment. That doesn’t really do it justice because it’s profound disappointment. The kind of disappointment that will sneak up on me at different times, like when I’m mowing the yard or rocking Harrison or driving to a game.

Since there was no reason to control variables anymore, the doctors induced Keri into labor. The rest of Sunday and into Monday morning were the darkest, most painful hours of our lives. We had previously come to terms with the outcome and had almost found a joy in the purpose of our daughter’s life. We had looked forward to meeting her and loving her. We knew we’d hurt from her loss, but there was hope in the difference she was making. We had heard from recipients of organ donation that were so encouraging and uplifting.

But the deal got altered. It felt like we were letting everyone down. (I know how ridiculous that sounds.) I felt embarrassed because all that positivity about saving lives wasn’t happening now. (I know how ridiculous that sounds.)

On top of it all, the ultimate kick in the gut: We wouldn’t even see her alive. I struggled with the idea of Eva’s existence and her humanity all along, about whether a terminal diagnosis made her dead already. I clung to knowing her humanity would be validated to me when I saw her as a living, breathing human being. I wanted to watch her die because that would mean I got to watch her live. I longed for just five minutes with her — heck, five seconds with her. All of that practical stuff about organ donation was irrelevant to me now. I just wanted to hold my baby girl and see her chest move up and down. I just wanted to be her daddy, if only for a few seconds.

Eva came surprisingly quick on Monday. Keri forced me to go get some lunch  —  a sad, lonely lunch featuring me taking bites of chicken fingers in between sobs  —  and I got back to the hospital around noon. Keri sat up and felt some pain. Then she felt another shot of pain ring through her body. Our photographer had just arrived and was setting up. Keri started to panic and asked for nurses to come in. They checked her, and it was time to have a baby. I still wasn’t ready.

At 12:20 we called our family and told them to hurry.

At 12:30, our doctor, Dr. Pinard, arrived.

At 12:33 and 12:35, Laurie from LifeShare tried calling Keri.

At 12:37, Eva Grace Young was born. I cut her umbilical cord at 12:38.

My phone rang at 12:40 and 12:41, and then a text came. It was Laurie from LifeShare. "Hey Royce, it’s Laurie . Will you give me a call when you get a chance? I think I have some good news for you."

Keri and I held each other and cried as the nurses cleaned Eva, and Dr. Pinard called LifeShare for us.

Then, she walked up to the foot of the bed.

"I’m on the phone with LifeShare," Dr. Pinard said, a smile cracking through on her face. "They have a recipient for Eva’s eyes."

It’s weird to say that during probably the worst experience of my life was also maybe the best moment of my life, but I think it was the best moment of my life.

The timing of it all is just something I can’t explain. It wasn’t what we planned or hoped for, but it was everything we needed in that moment. I buried my head in my arms and sobbed harder than I ever have. Keri put her hands over her face and did the same. Happy tears.

This was our reaction when Dr. Pinard told us about Eva’s eyes.

As the nurses handed her to us for the first time, much of the dread and fear was lifted from us and replaced with hope and joy again. Here comes Eva Grace Young, the superhero she was always meant to be.

None of it went as we planned. We’re trying to rest on knowing we did the best we could. We always said we wanted to limit our regret, and I think in 20 years or so, as we reflect on this, there’s not much we’d change.

We’re proud to be Eva’s parents. We’re thrilled with the impact she’s made. People from around the world have sent us messages telling us they’ve signed up to be organ donors because of Eva.

Eva’s the first ever —  not baby, but person — in the state of Oklahoma to donate a whole eye, and she donated two.

Because of her, LifeShare has made connections in other states to set up eye transplants for the future. They have an infant organ donation plan they now are working with sharing with other organ procurement organizations in Colorado and Texas. They call it the Eva Protocol.

I keep thinking about looking into her eyes some day, but more than anything, I think about her eyes seeing her mom, dad, and brother.

We always wondered things about Eva, like what color her hair would be, if she’d have Harrison’s nose, if she’d have dimples like her mama, or what color her eyes would be. In the time we spent with her, one eye was just a little bit open, and I fought the temptation to peek. I can’t ever hold my daughter again. I can’t ever talk to her or hear her giggle. But I can dream about looking into her eyes for the first time one day and finding out what color they are.

This story first appeared on the author's Medium and is reprinted here with permission.

via Mattew Barra/Pexels
There's one word you can't say on a cruise ship.

There are some things you just don't say. You don't yell out "bomb!" on an airplane, make jokes about carrying weapons while going through security, or, as Michael Scott from The Office knows, loudly proclaim that a boat you're currently on is sinking.

Those are all pretty obvious examples, but sometimes etiquette and decorum are a little more subtle. If you're not experienced in the ways of the venue you're in, you might not know all the unspoken rules. And you might find out the hard way. Cruise ships, for example, have their own very specific set of rules and regulations that guests should abide by.

On December 10, 2023, Royal Caribbean’s Serenade of the Seas set sail on the Ultimate World Cruise—a 274-day global trek that visits 11 world wonders and over 60 countries.


cruise, 9-month cruise, Marc Sebastian, cruise life, vacation, titanic, unspoken rules, etiquette, cruise etiquette, royal caribbean 9 months is a very long time to be aboard a boat, even a giant cruise ship. Photo by Peter Hansen on Unsplash

This incredible trip covered the Americas, Asia Pacific, Middle East, Mediterranean and Europe with a ticket price that ranges from $53,999 to $117,599 per passenger.

With such a unique and incredible offering, it's understandable that Royal Caribbean wanted to invite plenty of influencers to help them get the word out.

Aboard the Serenade to the Seas was popular TikToker Marc Sebastian, who documented his experience throughout the journey. In one video with over 4.3 million views, he revealed what he’s learned over his first few weeks aboard the ship; the biggest was the one word you’re not allowed to say.

"So here's [what] I've learned about cruising since I've spent 18 nights on this floating retirement home with a Cheesecake Factory attached. First, number one, you're not supposed to talk about the Titanic," he says in the clip.

Titanic! It's the ultimate taboo when you're on a giant ship traversing the ocean. Even after all these years, it's still too soon to make even lighthearted comparisons or jokes.

@marcsebastianf

someone get whoopi on the line girl i have some goss for her #ultimateworldcruise #worldcruise #serenadeoftheseas #cruisetok #cruise #9monthcruise #titanic

“Who knew that? I didn’t,” Sebastian said. “I brought it up to an entire room of people having lunch that our ship is only 100 feet longer than the Titanic — when I tell you that utensils dropped. Waiters gasped. It’s dead silent.”

Sebastian was flabbergasted. "It wasn't in the... handbook," he joked. "Not that I read the handbook, clearly."

After the unexpected reaction, his cruise friend told him, “You’re not allowed to talk about the Titanic.” It makes sense.

Who wants to be reminded of the tragedy that killed around 1,500 people while sinking one of the most impressive engineering feats of the era? More experienced cruisers chimed in that they were familiar with the unique piece of etiquette.

cruise, 9-month cruise, Marc Sebastian, cruise life, vacation, titanic, unspoken rules, etiquette, cruise etiquette, royal caribbean Pro tip: Don't ask the band on board to play "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion Giphy

"When I went on a cruise, my mom told me saying Titanic was equivalent to screaming ‘bomb’ at an airport," Mikayla wrote in the comments.

"It’s like saying Macbeth in a theatre, it’s an unspoken rule" another commenter added.

"I’m sorry you’re telling me you had a Harry Potter like experience saying Voldemort at Hogwarts but it was the titanic on a modern day cruise I’m cryingggg" joked another.

Later in the video covering little known cruise facts, Sebastian admits he was surprised to learn that cruise ships have godmothers and that the pools are filled with seawater.

In an update from June of 2024, Sebastian explains that he only stayed on the cruise for 18 nights. He was not booked to stay throughout the entire voyage, and for him, that was a relief.

He initially jokes that he was kicked off the boat for saving a penguin that had jumped aboard. But in the end, he admits he was more than happy to deboard early.

"I walked off that ship not a happy man," he said, saying the ship was overstimulating and stressful. In another video, he films as the ship navigates the Drake Passage, one of the most notoriously dangerous and choppy stretches of water in the world. It looks stressful indeed, to say the least.

Cruising isn't for everyone, let alone for 274 days straight! But now Sebastian knows the golden rule for his next cruise.

This story originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

Television

Watch Mary Tyler Moore sink a tricky pool shot, shocking everyone on set, including herself

How she and Dick Van Dyke managed to stay in character is remarkable.

This miraculous moment happened in Season 2, Episode 5 of The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Most of us have had moments where something completely unlikely happened that we wish had been caught on film. Have you ever dropped something in the bathroom, and when you tried to catch it, it bounced off your hand, onto the sink, into the wall, then right into the toilet? You couldn't replicate something like that even if you tried. All you can do is look around and ask, "Did anyone else see that?"

One of those seemingly impossible moments happened to Mary Tyler Moore while filming an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show in 1962, but luckily, it was caught on film. The scene she and Dick Van Dyke were filming involved a tricky pool shot in which Mary Tyler Moore's character was supposed to hit three balls into three different pockets at once. The plan for the scene was to film Moore taking the shot, then cut to a shot of just the table where a professional pool player would actually make the shot, then cut back to Moore. But they didn't end up needing the pro player at all, much to everyone's surprise–including Moore herself.

@didyoucatchthis

The Unscripted Magic of Mary Tyler Moore on The Dick Van Dyke Show In a memorable 1962 episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show, a seemingly routine scene turned into an unforgettable moment of unscripted brilliance. In the episode, Laura Petrie, played by the iconic Mary Tyler Moore, wants to quit a game of pool to watch her favorite movie on TV. Her husband, Rob Petrie, played by Dick Van Dyke, convinces her to finish the game. Laura agrees, setting up for what was intended to be a clever camera trick. The plan was simple: the scene would cut away to a professional pool player making a difficult shot, then cut back to Laura as if she had made it herself. But then something incredible happened. Instead of relying on the professional, Mary Tyler Moore nailed the shot herself, completely unplanned. The genuine surprise and delight in her reaction—and Dick Van Dyke’s—made the moment feel all the more authentic and endearing. This unscripted success is a perfect example of the magic that made The Dick Van Dyke Show so special, blending impeccable acting, humor, and spontaneous brilliance into TV history.

The look on Moore's face says it all, but the fact that the two actors otherwise stayed in character is even more remarkable. Van Dyke didn't even flinch. Absolute legend. And shout out to the camera crew as well. The professionalism all around in that moment is a testament to everyone on set.

According to Slash Film, the show's editor, Bud Molin, explained in Vince Waldron's The Official Dick Van Dyke Show Book how the shot came to be. The shot was set up ahead of time, of course, but she was just supposed to make the balls go the right way. No one expected her to actually sink any of them, much less all three.

"We had it rigged so that she just had to hit the balls in the right general direction," Molin said. "It was just luck. She hit it, and she dropped every ball!"

Everyone was wowed, including Moore herself. She quickly picked her jaw up off the table, though, saving the scene so that the footage would be usable. And indeed, that take ended up being the one that made it into the "Hustling the Hustler" episode.

Watch the full scene from the beginning here (and note Van Dyke's unflappable reaction):

- YouTube youtu.be

The irony of the way the scene panned out is that Moore's character was supposed to surprise her husband and the audience with her pool prowess—just a little ol' housewife besting a man at a man's sport. The fact that she actually did it makes it all the better.

The Dick Van Dyke Show still ranks among the best sitcoms of all time, even seven decades after it aired.

More fun facts about The Dick Van Dyke Show

- The show aired for five seasons, from 1961 to 1966, and won a whopping 15 Emmy Awards.

- It was considered a pioneer in the sitcom genre, incorporating complexities of real life like parenting, sex, and societal issues in ways that previous sitcoms had not explored.

- Johnny Carson was among those in the running for the lead role that ultimately went to Dick Van Dyke due to his better name recognition at the time. Carson would become The Tonight Show host in 1962, a year after The Dick Van Dyke Show premiered.

johnny carson, the tonight show, dick van dyke show, talk show, television Johnny Carson was one of two finalists for Dick Van Dyke's role. Giphy

- Mary Tyler Moore had to fight to wear capri pants as the wardrobe choice made the network and advertisers nervous. However, she insisted that her character wear them and succeeded in shifting norms and expectations around women's clothing.

- Part of the show's success after it's second season (which almost didn't happen due to low ratings in the beginning) was the revolutionary idea to play reruns of the show during the summer. "That was one of the most creative things I ever did," said Carl Reiner, the show's director, according to John Kiesewetter. "Repeats back then were not a big thing. But I said, 'The people who have seen Perry Como will have a chance to sample us.' And it worked!"

- The catchy Dick Van Dyke Show theme song was an instrumental, but it actually had lyrics written by co-star of the show Morey Amsterdam. Watch Dick Van Dyke sing it in a 2011 interview onThe Rachael Ray Show :

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show can be found on various streaming services, and some full episodes that are in the public domain can be found on YouTube.

Popular

I showed my Gen Z kids 'Dead Poets Society' and their angry reactions to it floored me

"Inspiring" apparently means different things to Gen X and Gen Z.

Robin Williams played inspiring English teacher John Keating in "Dead Poets Society."

As a Gen X parent of Gen Z teens and young adults, I'm used to cringing at things from 80s and 90s movies that haven't aged well. However, a beloved film from my youth that I thought they'd love, "Dead Poets Society," sparked some unexpectedly negative responses in my kids, shining a spotlight on generational differences I didn't even know existed.

I probably watched "Dead Poets Society" a dozen or more times as a teen and young adult, always finding it aesthetically beautiful, tragically sad, and profoundly inspiring. That film was one of the reasons I decided to become an English teacher, inspired as I was by Robin Williams' portrayal of the passionately unconventional English teacher, John Keating.

The way Mr. Keating shared his love of beauty and poetry with a class of high school boys at a stuffy prep school, encouraging them to "seize the day" and "suck all the marrow out of life," hit me right in my idealistic youthful heart. And when those boys stood up on their desks for him at the end of the film, defying the headmaster who held their futures in his hands? What a moving moment of triumph and support.

My Gen Z kids, however, saw the ending differently. They did love the feel of the film, which I expected with its warm, cozy, comforting vibe (at least up until the last 20 minutes or so). They loved Mr. Keating, because how can you not? But when the movie ended, I was taken aback hearing "That was terrible!" and "Why would you traumatize me like that?" before they also admitted, "But it was so gooood!"

- YouTube youtu.be

The traumatize part I actually get—I'd forgotten just how incredibly heavy the film gets all of a sudden. (A caveat I feel the need to add here: Gen Z uses the word "traumatize" not in a clinical sense but as an exaggerative term for being hit unexpectedly by something sad or disturbing. They know they weren't literally traumatized by the movie.)

But in discussing it further, I discovered three main generational differences that impacted my kids' "Dead Poets Society" viewing experience and what they took away from it.

1) Gen Z sees inspiring change through a systemic lens, not an individual one

The first thing my 20-year-old said when the credits rolled was, "What? That's terrible! Nothing changed! He got fired and the school is still run by a bunch of stodgy old white men forcing everyone to conform!" My immediate response was, "Yeah, but he changed those boys' individual lives, didn't he? He helped broaden their minds and see the world differently."

 o captain my captain, dead poets society Individual impact isn't as inspiring to Gen Z as it was to Gen X. Giphy

I realized that Gen X youth valued individuals going against the old, outdated system and doing their own thing, whereas Gen Z values the dismantling of the system itself. For Gen X, Mr. Keating and the boys taking a stand was inspiring, but the fact that it didn't actually change anything outside of their own individual experiences stuck like a needle in my Gen Z kids' craw.

2) Gen Z isn't accustomed to being blindsided by tragic storylines with no warning

To be fair, I did tell them there was "a sad part" before the movie started. But I'd forgotten how deeply devastating the last part of the movie was, so my daughter's "Why would you do that to me?!" was somewhat warranted. "I thought maybe a dog would die or something!" she said. No one really expected one of the main characters to die by suicide and the beloved teacher protagonist to be blamed for his death, but I'd somehow minimized the tragedy of it all in my memory so my "sad part" warning was a little insufficient.

But also to be fair, Gen X youth never got any such warnings—we were just blindsided by tragic plot twists all the time. As kids, we cheered on Atreyu trying to save his horse from the swamp in "The Neverending Story" only to watch him drown. Adults showed us "Watership Down" thinking it would be a cute little animated film about bunnies. We were slapped in the face by the tragic child death in "My Girl," which was marketed as a sweet coming of age movie.

Gen Z was raised in the era of trigger warnings and trauma-informed practices, while Gen X kids watched a teacher die on live TV in our classrooms with zero follow-up on how we were processing it. Those differences became apparent real quick at the end of this movie.


3) Gen Z fixates on boundary-crossing behavior that Gen X either overlooked or saw as more nuanced

The other reaction I wasn't expecting was the utter disdain my girls showed for Knox Overstreet, the sweet-but-over-eager character who fell for the football player's cheerleader girlfriend. His boundary-crossing attempts to woo her were always cringe, but for Gen X, cringe behavior in the name of love was generally either overlooked, tolerated, or sometimes even celebrated. (Standing on a girl's lawn in the middle of the night holding a full-volume stereo over your head was peak romance for Gen X, remember.) For Gen Z, the only thing worse than cringe is predatory behavior, which Knox's obsessiveness and pushiness could arguably be seen as. My own young Gen X lens saw Knox and said, "That's a bit much, dude. Take it down a notch or three." My Gen Z daughters' lens said, "That guy's a total creepo. She needs to run far the other way."

run, red flag behavior Gen Z is much more black and white about behaviors than previous generations. Giphy Red Flag Run GIF by BuzzFeed

On one hand, I was proud of them for recognizing red flag behaviors and calling them out. On the other hand, I saw how little room there is for nuance in their perceptions, which was…interesting.

To be clear, I don't think my Gen Z kids' reactions to "Dead Poets Society" are wrong; they're just different than mine were at their age. We're usually on the same page when it comes to these kinds of analyses, so seeing them have a drastically different reaction to something I loved at their age was really something. Now I'm wondering what other favorite movies from my youth I should show them to see if they view those differently as well—hopefully without "traumatizing" them too much with the experience.

This article originally appeared in January.

Community

I spent the day following people over 80 around and I could barely keep up

Their full social calendars might just be the secret to happiness.

Lauren Miller

A group of elderly people solve a puzzle.

As someone who wakes up, turns on the TV, eats a cookie, and then sits at my desk to write, some might say I'm rather sedentary. That is not the case for my mother and many of her friends at the senior living facility where they reside. In fact, I've never seen such an active group of people in my life—and most of them are in their 80s, 90s, and even 100s. Time and again, experts stress the importance of not only physical exercise and a healthy diet, but also mental stimulation in order to stay spry. Obviously, nothing can stave off the inevitable, but there are countless examples of people who swear by staying on the go to stay sharp well into old age.

Games keep their minds alert

My mom's posse starts early in the day with Mexican Train (a dominos game) and they mean business, as plenty play for money. This is popular among the residents, as is Bridge and Mahjong, the latter being where my mom truly shines. I sat in on a Mahjong game and watched as they laser-focused on the tiles in order to build a winning hand. Some of them wanted to use the time for chitchat, while others were a bit more rigid with the gameplay aspect. But as we left (after two hours) they all seemed much lighter in spirt.

A Texas A&M University School of Public Health research study reports, "Older people with mild cognitive impairment who engage in high levels of activities such as word games and hobbies have better memory, working memory, attention and processing speed than those who do not."

mahjong, senior living, puzzles, mental health, games, community A close up of a game of Mahjong Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash


Group meetings help them stay engaged

Whether it's sitting together in the dining hall or attending an art class to bead a purse, the idea of being together seems to help the seniors' sense of belonging. Book club is especially popular (though I'm told it often gets heated) because they become exposed to literature that might have been outside their usual realm and discuss it in depth.

In 2024 Forbes published a piece about how senior citizens can stay young, healthy and fit, noting, "Regular social interactions, participating in community activities, and staying connected with loved ones can contribute to a sense of belonging, purpose, and happiness."

The National Institute of Aging reports that non-engagement can cause both mental and physical decline. They note, "Studies show that loneliness and social isolation are associated with higher risks for health problems such as heart disease, depression, and cognitive decline."

The seniors at my mom's home have sharp political discussions too. The facility brings in someone to make sure the residents are getting a balanced, non-partisan range of news from various outlets. I watched one of these meetings and it was encouraging to see seniors having civil discourse from all sides of the political spectrum.

There are also church and temple services for those who wish, and guided meditation groups (which my mom loves) where they're encouraged to write down their feelings.

One friend sits on what's called the Citizen Council to advocate for residents. "They meet often, and resolve nothing," my mother shadily notes, but still—it fills time and keeps them busy.

elderly, book club, senior living, staying active, seniors A book club meeting held at the senior living facility. Lauren Miller


Staying physically active

According to the Canadian Association Medical Journal, the elderly are not getting enough exercise by and large. Writer Kristen Fischer shares that, "In the United States, about 13.9% of adults aged 65 or more years meet federal physical activity guidelines for both aerobic and muscle-strengthening activities. Fischer also quotes Jane Thornton, MD, who is an associate professor at the Schulich School of Medicine and Dentistry in Ontario, saying, "“Physical activity is one of the most important ways to preserve or improve functional independence, including among older adults who are frail or deemed to be at increased risk of falling,”

To touch base with her younger self, my mom decided to create her own dance class. Having been a professional dancer (she danced with the Austin Ballet Company), she was missing that side of herself in her new home. Though she's now on a walker, as are many of the residents, that didn't stop her. With the help of a staff member, she created "Dances with Walkers," wherein she personally chose a hard beat-driven playlist so that people could dance with their walkers, scooters, and canes.

elderly, dancing, walkers, senior living, active A dance class for people on walkers. Lauren Miller


Just plain fun

One of my mom's friends said to me, plain and simple, "Just because we're older, doesn't mean we don't want to have a good time. I wake up every day and think I'm 30. Then I look in the mirror."

To that end, the gang is involved in monthly karaoke and weekly entertainment. "Tony Macaroni is often here," my mom shares. "As long as his hearing aids are working, he sounds great!"

Having purpose

In The Washington Post article "Centenarians share their longevity formula: 'Staying busy gives you purpose,' author Sydney Page writes that a 100-year-old woman took a part-time job at Home Depot and claims, "That's what keeps me sharp."

One of the commenters on this piece shared, "I once chatted with a woman who was volunteering at the local senior center. She did it, she said, to help out 'the old dears.' She was pushing 90 at the time."

Another writes, "Live till you die. Make the Reaper have to work to get his quota when you're on his list. Most of all, treat your body such that you'll be able to climb into the casket when it's your time."

elderly, senior living, staying active, seniors, home Residents of a senior facility enjoy a night out.Lauren Miller

This isn't to say all of this activity is easy. My mom, for example, is hard of hearing and can't see well. She gets tired easily and sometimes has to push beyond her exhaustion. This is part of what makes watching her (and many of her friends) so inspiring. They may see someone else when they look in the mirror, but when they're singing and dancing, the best parts of themselves reappear.

Photo Credit: Canva

Taxicab light is on. Two people enjoy a romantic date.

The theory was simple, as many ideas from the hit HBO show Sex and the City were. To paraphrase Miranda Hobbes (portrayed by Cynthia Nixon), men are like taxicab lights. When they settle down, it's never actually about the person they wind up with—it's all a matter of timing and when their "cab light is on."

In a recent article for Verywell Mind, author Ariane Resnick explains, "The taxicab theory (also known as the taxi light theory) is an idea that centers around men and claims that they commit, or not, based on timing." Resnick then quotes therapist Afton Turner, LPCA, who claims, "The taxicab theory explains when a man decides he is ready to get married, it’s like he is turning on his cab light—he is signaling that he’s available and open to commitment. At that point, it’s less about who he’s with and more about the timing; he’s ready to pick up the next waiting passenger and marry them."

What Miranda (or rather the show's writers) says exactly is: "Men are like cabs. When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up one day and decide they're ready to settle down, have babies, whatever. And then they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up, boom, that's the one that they'll marry. It's not fate. It's dumb luck."

A clip from season three of Sex and the City discussing Taxi Cab Theory. www.youtube.com, Matchacarbonara

This episode was released in 2000, when much of Gen X was settling down or in the crux of dating. Many of us took the monologue as a cute throwaway scene in a lighthearted comedy. It was just the kind of thing you post on a blog and then carry on with your life. It’s obviously reductive and, as Resnick writes, "problematic" for many reasons. Mainly, it's an odd thing to attribute only to men and it’s a laughable generalization.

Gen Z has some questions on the theory and topic at large, which spark healthy debates on TikTok.

On the "First Round’s on Me" app's TikTok page, a woman is asked, "What is the best dating advice you’ve ever received?" She echoes the taxicab theory, answering, "My dad told me last year that men either have their light on or they have it off. I have dated for two years straight and every man's light was off. And I was always chasing."

@firstroundsonmeapp

Do YOU believe taxi cab theory?😏 #nyc #fyp #dating #date #datingapp #firstroundsonme #single #datingadviceforwomen #datingadviceformen #relationship #love #ots #interview

The interviewer confirms, "Men are like taxicabs. If the light is off, don’t try to get in."

"Don’t even try," she continues. "But when their light is on, be ready."

In the comment section, a few offer their own advice. But many agree with the sentiment. "Great advice," more than one person writes.

But over on @BlackRyanSeacrest’s TikTok page, he debunks the theory. He especially pushes back on the idea that men don’t choose the "perfect woman" if their light is off. He asks, "Perfect according to who? The other women or to him? Because I promise you if she was perfect for him, he’d be with her."

@blackryanseacrest

The taxi cab theory isn’t real #fyp #dating #men #women #foryou

He lets the clip continue, then shares, "The taxicab theory is basically a stage three coping mechanism. It’s basically saying, ‘You know how that guy rejected you? It’s completely okay and has nothing to do with you. Because in reality, he’s not ready for a relationship and when he is, he’s just gonna pick some random woman in front of his face that he doesn’t care about.’"

He goes on to scold the idea that men have no feelings or thoughts and are merely guided by an unseen, vague readiness. He also points out that women are also capable of merely "coasting in a relationship just because they want to be in a relationship—even though the guy is completely lackluster."

Here, the comments are also quite supportive of the content creator. "Also, if he isn’t ready to be in a relationship, even if this hypothetical woman is perfect for him, THAT is healthy!"

sex and the city, carrie bradshaw, taxi cab theory, relationships Carrie attempts to flirt by winking. Giphy Warner Brothers, HBO Max

One person pushes back: "But then why do men date a woman for 6 or 7 years saying he's not ready for marriage, just to marry a girl one year into the relationship after his last relationship ended? Even if you say he just fell in love, imagine being the girl he left."

Another debates this idea: "This might surprise you, but those two women are in fact not the same person. There was something about woman 2 that brought him peace in his life."

The bottom line is that simplifying love and partnership—no matter the gender, sexual preference, or otherwise—minimizes the importance of chemistry. Sure, maybe timing has something to do with where we end up, but not always. In their latest piece for Pure Wow, editor Sydney Meister writes, "Because in a culture obsessed with finding the ideal match—often one that may not even exist—‘settling’ has become synonymous with ‘giving up.’ Yet, could it be that it’s not about giving up on connection, but redefining our expectations of commitment?"