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Woman calls out double standard of baby boomer parents who begged her to have kids

You can't have it both ways.

via Canva/Photos

A stressed mother and her baby boomer parents.

There is a strange phenomenon that occurred in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s, when Gen Xers and older millennials were raised: their baby boomer parents were not around very much. This generation of children was often taken care of by daycares or attended school with keys strung around their necks, and when they came home, they were told not to answer the door until a parent arrived. They were the children raised during both the divorce epidemic and the time when, for many families, both parents had to work.

However, the least parented generation in American history had great relationships with their grandparents, who loved to spend time with them and take on babysitting duties. But now that the kids raised in the ‘70s, ‘80s, and '90s have children, they’re noticing something interesting: the parents who weren’t around to raise them aren’t that into being grandparents either.

There is a lot of talk about the differences between baby boomers as grandparents and their parents from the Silent Generation. Some believe it’s because baby boomers have more money than their parents, who were raised at a time when grandparents played a more significant role in child-rearing. After all, they didn't expect to travel or have busy social lives.

baby boomers, parenting, grandparents, baby boomer grandparents, me generationA baby boomer couple.via Canva/Photos

This generation trend begs the question: Why do boomer parents beg their kids to have children, but shy away when it comes to spending time with them? An upset mother shared about the double standard on Reddit.

“My mother, a devout Christian, always preached the importance of getting married and having children. Now that I’ve done both (and happily so) and moved to be closer to her, she has very little interest in hanging out with us and never, ever offers to watch her grandkids,” she wrote. “I’ve been reading up on this, and it seems that it’s not uncommon. After moving across the country during COVID, I had dreams of my mom wanting to be an active part of our lives. The sad truth of it is, is that I see her maybe once more a year than when I lived across the country…and it’s not for lack of trying on my part.”

The post resonated with many mothers her age who had experienced the same problem. Their boomer parents begged them to have children, but they won’t lift a finger to see them.

“Yup, completely describes my boomer parents. They begged and begged for us to relocate back to my home city. Still, as we began searching for new job opportunities/places to live, we naturally discussed the possibility of them spending some alone time with the grandkids from time to time,” another mom wrote. “That was a full stop for them. Both my parents insisted they’d retired from child watching duties and would not ever be utilized as ‘babysitters.’ The only acceptable option for them was for us to be present the entirety of the time their grandkids were interacting with them.”

baby boomers, parenting, grandparents, baby boomer grandparents, me generation, grandma, gardeningA grandma in the garden. via Canva/Photos

“I think you hit the nail on the head. A lot of the boomers want to be 'seen' as 'good grandparents' while not doing a damn thing,” another mom added.

Another mom noted that their grandparents were amazing, but their parents are the exact opposite. “What’s crazy is I spent TONS of time with my grandparents as a child. I’d routinely be dropped off on the weekends and weeknights,” the mother wrote. “My grandparents picked me up from school regularly. It’s not like my grandparents were doing the same behavior, and therefore it’s a learned generational thing.”

baby boomers, parenting, grandparents, baby boomer grandparents, me generation, Baby boomers throwing up a peace sign. via Canva/Photos

One mother in the thread had some sympathy for baby boomers who felt a lot of pressure to have children, regardless of whether they wanted them or not. She believes that now they’re getting their time back. “It’s because even though Boomers had the physical choice to become parents, they didn’t have the cultural/social choice. Whenever I hear this story, I figure the grandparents didn’t really want children. It also explains why we were at our grandparents so often: anything they could do to not be around us, they took it up,” she wrote.

It’s wrong to paint an entire generation with the same brush, and there are, no doubt, plenty of wonderful baby boomer grandparents out there. However, it’s not surprising that a group of people once called the “Me Generation” is more reluctant to spend time with their families than those who came before them. One wonders if their feelings toward family will change when they become the ones who need to be cared for?

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A mom asked if it's appropriate to make a babysitter do housework and set the internet on fire

They're just sitting there while my kids sleep.

Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

Should babysitters be expected to clean?

When it comes to babysitting, you can hit the jackpot with someone who not only enjoys hanging out with your kiddos but also cleans out of boredom. The only babysitter I've had that experience with is my mom, but I do hear they do exist. While walking into a spotless house after a much-needed night out would be amazing, it's not really part of a standard babysitting package.

Typically, whoever babysits for you is solely there to focus on the well-being of your children. They feed them snacks, play games with them, and follow their bedtime routine to the letter. Then they hang out on your couch reminding Netflix that they're still watching and wait for you to return. Sure, they clean up dishes from dinner and whatever toys were pulled out during their time with your kids, but they don't typically clean your house.

But in a private parenting group I belong to, a long debate was started when a mom asked a group of 260k of her closest friends if it would be appropriate for a parent to ask a babysitter to clean their home.

The anonymous mom explained that her college-aged daughter had recently started babysitting for a family, but on the second day, her duties suddenly changed. There was a list of chores waiting for the babysitter that included cleaning the family's dishes and cleaning up messes that were there before the sitter arrived.

This revelation set off a firestorm of comments with many agreeing that anything outside of cleaning up after the children while they're in your care is a separate job. But not everyone was on the same page and it was clear that this was a topic that was going to cause some intense debate. Since summer months are here, there's no wonder this topic is coming up and views are split.

woman holding kid in the street

Should babysitters be expected to clean, one mom asks.

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

Scary Mommy recently published an article posing a similar question, only this was coming from a parent who wanted her babysitter to clean while her children slept. Elizabeth Narins explains that she and her husband are stretched thin and have an active toddler she jokingly calls a "toy tornado."

"Given the amount of housework that clearly needs to be done, paying someone to sit on our toy-covered couch during naps or after bedtime just seems... inefficient," Narins wrote before posing the question. "Is it completely out of line for me to ask her to declutter when my kids are in bed?"

Whether it's the expert interviewed for the Scary Mommy article or the parents in the private group, there does seem to be one common theme among the discourse: Any additional chores should be clarified in the original job description, and if it wasn't, then it should be directly brought up in a conversation with the babysitter.

Many parents in the comments believed that a housekeeper should be hired in addition to the babysitter, while others thought the babysitter should be offered more money for the additional work. But there were several people who thought it was just common courtesy for a babysitter to clean the house while the kids were asleep.

It may seem that you're paying a babysitter to do nothing while your children sleep, but you're paying them to be there in the event of an emergency. No matter which side of the debate you're on, it seems proper communication about expectations will save everyone a headache in the future.

Do you think cleaning should be expected from a babysitter?


This article originally appeared on 6.8.23

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Mom has a different take for the millennial parents 'always on their phone'

It's pretty spot on.

@sheisapaigeturner/TikTok

Maybe there's more to it than "bad parenting."

Unless you've been living on a remote, deserted island, you’re probably addicted to your phone. We’ve all been guilty of ignoring someone right in front of us because of text or a notification. It’s so common we even have a word for it: “phubbing.”

But parental phubbing, while just as prevalent as ordinary phubbing, is often seen as more than just a social faux pas. And this perhaps isn’t totally without merit, since research has shown that kids do in fact feel the effects of being ignored in this way.

And yet, as one mom eloquently points out, we can’t just chalk it up to “bad parenting.”

“I was just at my son's Taekwondo practice, and I'd say 75% of the parents are on their phones, right?” Paige Turner, a mom of four, says in a clip posted to her TikTok.

She continues: “And I have seen a lot of commentary about how parents are always on their phones, right? Parents are always texting. They're not watching their kids. They're not seeing how great their kids doing during Taekwondo or baseball or gymnastics, whatever it is. They're just too busy on their phone and why can't they just take a break and look up?”

And this is where Turner offers her alternate, but so spot on take.

“I think the average parent is being asked to do a lot, right? They are working full-time. There's a lack of childcare, so oftentimes, these parents are not only on their phones, I sit next to parents who are on their laptops at Taekwondo practice because we are technically still working, right?” she says.

Since most parents are technically still on the clock by the time an afternoon practice rolls around, of course they’re “Slacking on their phone. They're answering emails. Sometimes, they're even listening to a call,” Turner explains.

So maybe it’s not just about being present with their kids but about parents having to be on call 24/7.

“In an ideal world, our kids would have practices and games at times that allowed us to be fully present,” Turner says. But in reality, “we are being asked to go in many different directions right now, and so many of us don’t have that luxury.”

Turner also points out that the obligation to be at every practice or game is a fairly new concept, parents used to simply drop kids off and pick them up once whichever activity was over.

“We are being asked not only to do more physically: be at every practice, be at every game, volunteer, work full-time, pick up your kids from the bus stop, all these things. We're also being asked to be fully present for all of it, which is impossible,” she notes.

@sheisapaigeturner As parents, we need to be conscious of one and how we use our phones. However, a lot of the critique online specifically about parents being on their phone I could activities is likely missing the full picture. Many parents are multitasking. They are working while at basketball, they are ordering groceries while at dance practice. They are doing many things at one time and juggling all of it as soon as they can. #millennailmom #sportsmom #parentingadvice #socialmedia #workingmom #wfhmom #workingparent ♬ original sound - Paige

Turner concludes by sharing that she posted this perspective to offer some grace against the common “ugly narrative” that parents are simply not paying attention to their kids when parents are most likely doing the very best that they can.

Several parents agreed with Turner and added their own takes on the issue.

“The idea that we have to be present every single second of our child’s life is just INSANE. Especially coming from the ‘go outside and don’t come back until dark’ generation,” one person wrote.

Another added, “also, my phone is where I schedule appointments, order groceries, order prescriptions, fill out forms for all the things, research therapists and camps and doctors and adhd, & I’m a grad student.”

A few even pointed out that even when they aren’t working, phone use during practice shouldn’t be considered taboo.

“Even if you AREN’T working or doing something productive on your phone. Why would I want to watch soccer drills for an hour? Let me play candy crush in peace lol,” one person quipped.

Another seconded, “I’m absolutely not working but I’m using the opportunity of my child being fully engaged with an activity to freaking relax a little. I don't have to just sit and watch them 24/7 to have a relationship.”

Bottom line: of course, it’s important for parents to be mindful of their phone usage, especially when around kids. But our world makes that nearly impossible, and passing judgment on the moms and dads who do find themselves scrolling isn’t of help to anyone. A little compassion can go a long way here.

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People are debating the merits of a 24-hour daycare and the discussion is eye-opening

There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding about the need for this.

StableDiffusion

Are 24-hour daycares a good idea?

Millions of American parents utilize daycare centers while they work. Since most people work during the day, most daycare center hours fall somewhere between 7:30am and 5:30pm. It's rare to find a daycare that's open after normal working hours.

But one "24-hour" daycare in Houston captured people's attention—and sparked a debate—when a mom posted about it on TikTok.

Adventure Kids Playcare in Houston isn't actually open 24 hours a day but it does offer childcare up to 10:00pm during the week and until midnight on Friday and Saturday nights. In the video, the mom drops her daughter off and we hear the employee tell her they close at midnight. The mom later says she picked her daughter up at 11:55pm.

Reactions to the video rand the gamut from "24-hour daycares are a brilliant idea for parents who work odd shifts" to "Moms shouldn't be leaving their kids at a daycare late at night just so they can go out," sparking a fascinating and eye-opening discussion.

First, here's the video that kicked off the whole debate:

@watchingalicia

😅😅🤷🏾‍♀️ #fypシ゚viral #fyp #girlmom #daughter #momsoftiktok #parenting #momlife

The video hit the popular Instagram account The Shade Room where people debated whether this kind of daycare arrangement was a positive or negative, and there was a wide range of opinions on all sides.

Some folks poo-pooed the idea of a 24-hour daycare center in general, which most people were quick to squash. Not everyone works a 9-to-5 job, and not everyone has access to people who can watch their kids in the evenings when they're at work, so a childcare center that's open late or all night provides a service some working parents might need.

"The convenience of a 24-hour daycare can't be overstated, especially for parents working unconventional hours," shared one X user. "It's a game-changer for the night shift workers and emergency responders who keep our cities running."

But a lot of the debate centered around parents leaving their kids at a care center not to work, but to go out at night and socialize. Some people felt strongly that it was inappropriate for kids to be up well past a standard child's bedtime waiting for their parent to pick them up. Some felt that a parent should have a babysitter come to the house so the child can sleep in their own bed and not be kept awake until late. On the flip side, others pointed out that a late night playing with other kids at a licensed, reputable facility would be fun for a lot of kids, and it may actually be a safer option than hiring a teenager to come stay at your house while your kid sleeps.

Others debated the appropriateness of a mother leaving her child at a facility late at night to go out on the town in general, stating that work is one thing but going out for purely social or personal reasons is another. Interestingly, this element of the discourse seemed to center entirely around mothers, which could be a whole other discussion for another day. Some people claimed that a mom dropping her kid off to go out late is being selfish and putting her needs above her child's. Others pointed out that all mothers—or parents—need breaks sometimes, and no one can judge what another parent does without knowing their full circumstances. As one commenter wrote, "Not everybody has a village."

The final fascinating split in this debate were the parents who feel unsafe leaving their children with anyone other than immediate family versus the parents who feel it's good for kids to have other caregivers and socialize with kids they don't know. The varying levels of trust or mistrust, comfort or fear parents have when it comes to their children offers some insight into how differently people view the world. Is one side right and the other wrong, or is it merely a difference in perception and personal preference?

If nothing else, hopefully the breadth of the discussion opened people's eyes to different viewpoints and to life circumstances they may not have considered. Often we can get stuck looking at and judging things through our own lens, forgetting that there's a whole big world of diverse situations we may not even be aware of that might make one person's "nope" another person's "yes, please and thank you."

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