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Woman's tongue-in-cheek 'Mom Libido 101' intimacy equation has some men seriously upset

"Wife went by that algorithm for 8 months. Our relationship has never been the same, and I resent her every day."

via Canva/Photos

A man is discouraged and a woman does math.

One of the most significant challenges couples face after having kids is that it becomes a lot harder to maintain the same quality and quantity of sex that they had before the little one arrived. There are many reasons for this abrupt lifestyle change. It becomes harder to find time to have sex, privacy is even more elusive, parenting is exhausting, and a lot of times, sleep seems more exciting than being intimate. Adding to that, women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes after having a child that may affect their libido.

A poll by Leesa found that couples have 47% less sex after having their first child, and that 61% of women and 30% of men reported less desire. Popular TikToker MaddieMu explained the math behind her decision to be intimate in a recent post, and it has some women applauding while many men are angry. Maddie is a mother of two who has "no filter" and claims to be the "mom friend you didn't know you needed until now.”

@maddiemu

hope this helps 🤭😌 #millenialmom #momhumor #honestmom #relatablemomlife

“Here's the basics of the formula: the amount she slept last night, plus how much food she's eaten today sitting down, times the amount of help her partner gave her divided by the annoying f**king comments, minus the number of times she was touched by her children today," Maddie said in her viral TikTok.

The math looks a bit like this: (sleep + food) x (help / annoying comments) - # of touches

Maddie also provided an example where things didn’t work out so well for her husband. “Let's say mom got eight hours of sleep last night, ate three full meals, her partner did pick up, and bath time, but he was really f**king annoying twice," she continued. "Then we have to subtract by the 1 thousand times that she was touched today. Does anyone know what the answer is? Not a f**king chance.”

Some women on TikTok thought they could perfect the equation with a few additions. "Also, don't forget minus 'How many times I've walked past the thing I asked you to take care of a week ago,'" one woman wrote. "Need one more section for the amount of decisions we had to make that day. Then you get definitely not a chance," another added.

Men were angry about the intimacy equation

On Instagram, there was a massive backlash from men who didn’t understand she was having fun at her husband's expense. "What if the partner did the dishes, fed the dogs, played with the kids, and took the kids away on a walk? Then also worked 8 hours making the sole income for the family and did all this while being kind to his wife, but she was still ungrateful," a man wrote on Instagram. "Wife went by that algorithm for 8 months. Our relationship has never been the same, and I resent her every day," another added.

 sex, relationships, sex and marriage, intimacy, teacher, couple in bed A woman rejecting her husband.via Canva/Photos

Ultimately, even though Maddie appears to be having fun by turning her carnal instincts into a math equation, within the joke, there is a kernel of truth. A lot of women have been relegated to the role of default parent, which forces them to take the brunt of the physical and mental load of raising a family. A significant part of Maddie’s intimacy equation was “the amount of help her partner gave her,” which makes a simple yet important point. When people feel energized and supported by their partners, they’re much more likely to be excited by them in the bedroom.

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Love Stories

Therapist explains his controversial theory: That it's normal to 'hate' your spouse

He also explains one thing everyone gets wrong when their partner is angry at them.

Canva Photos

Is it normal to hate your spouse, even in brief moments?

Marriage is hard. On your wedding day, you "know" it will be hard, and people tell you it will be hard, but you don't really fully understand. Not until you're years deep and navigating a joint life with another human being who has their own wants, desires, emotions, thoughts, and opinions.

Some people believe it's so hard because human beings aren't biologically wired for monogamy. Others believe we just don't do a good enough job of preparing ourselves for the more difficult aspects of lifelong partnership, leading to the notoriously high divorce rate.

A renowned couple's therapist named Terrence Real has been grabbing headlines with his somewhat controversial idea that could help save many relationships. He calls it "normal marital hatred."


marriage, couples, couples therapy, marriage advice, marriage tips, couples counseling, psychologist, therapist, divorceOnce the wedding day has come and gone, things get real. Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Real was recently on the Tim Ferris Podcast, where he elaborated on what he believes is a critically under-discussed aspect of relationships:.

“The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair," he says. "Closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. That's where the skills come in, how to move from disruption to repair. Our culture doesn't teach it."

Real says every couple will have moments, days, or even longer stretches of dissatisfaction, and that those feelings can be much more powerful than you might think.

“So, here's what I wanna say about disharmony: It hurts, it's dark. You can really, really feel like, 'What the hell did I get myself into? This is such a disappointment.’ And guess what? Your partner's probably feeling that about you too.”

His concept of normal marital hatred is fascinating. It takes a shocking idea, that you could "hate" your partner, and puts it right there next to the word "normal." Internalizing the idea might seem pretty bleak to young people getting ready to settle down, but Real doesn't want people to panic or bail rather than sticking it out. Again, he says it's completely normal.

“I talk about normal marital hatred when you're in that dark phase. You hate your partner, that's okay. It's part of the deal for many of it. I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for, oh my god, what? 30 years. ... It's okay, kids — don't sweat it. You can get through it. It's normal. Relax.”

Watch the whole clip here:


@timferriss

Therapist Terry Real on Normal Marital Hatred. (From my brand-new interview with Terry.) #couples #therapy

Commenters were, for the most part, in strong agreement with Real's blunt assessment.

"Hatred disappears when a person able to hold 2 truths simultaneously: I love you, I don’t like you now. Dialectical thinking"

"When people stop romanticizing relationships and realize you're relating to another autonomous human being, it's easier to understand, relate, love and also forgive."

"This is such an important topic that it's not talked about enough. Marriage is not some fairytale can't run away when you hate your partner because in a week you'll probably love them again."

"Hatred is a pretty strong word but I appreciate the concept behind the theory. My theory is space and grace. Grant each other a little space to cool down but the grace to come back and repair."

Others wondered if the term 'hatred' was really accurate, or maybe just a gimmick to make the concept more controversial and marketable:

"To me, hatred is too strong a word. I don’t hate my spouse. I often times do not like him, but I always love him. 33 years of a solid, loving marriage."

"Hatred is a brutal way to put it. Wrong word."

"I have NEVER hated my late husband of 16 years or my partner of 4 years! I have been utterly pissed at both hurt by them unclear if I can make it another day through xyz but not hate never hate"

It all begs the question: What are feelings of hatred, really?


marriage, couples, couples therapy, marriage advice, marriage tips, couples counseling, psychologist, therapist, divorceIt's normal to be upset at or even dislike your partner sometimes. Is it really normal to hate them? Photo by Mattia on Unsplash

Not to be that guy, but Merriam-Webster defines hatred as: "Extreme dislike or disgust...ill will or resentment ... prejudiced hostility or animosity"

That sounds like a dangerous combination of feelings to feel toward your partner! Dislike or disgust? Maybe, in brief doses. But many experts say that resentment and animosity are very close cousins of the infamous Four Horsemen, or communication styles that can be predictive of divorce. The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute found that when these patterns show up regularly, even in just a single conversation, it often spells doom for the couple.

However, Real emphasizes that these negative feelings we might get toward our partner (the so-called hatred) are usually temporary, even appearing for just a brief moment or two.

Regardless of the terminology, Real is right about one thing: Normal, healthy marriages will have conflict and moments where partners don't like each other very much. Navigating them successfully is key.

Luckily, he has advice for that, too.

“In normal circumstances, if you’re unhappy with me, that is not the time for me to talk to you about how unhappy I am with you,” he said. “Everybody gets that wrong.”

In other words, these moments of dislike/hatred/disagreement/or whatever you want it call it should be opportunities for partners to listen to each other and not escalate the conflict into a power struggle. They are opportunities for better communication and for partners to better learn how to meet each other's needs.

Feeling that hatred is not the problem. Feeding it and allowing it to grow is what makes it really dangerous.

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Modern Families

Wife has the perfect response when husband introduces her to coworkers as 'The Housewife'

She began by laughing hysterically.

via Artur Voznenko/Unsplash

An angry wife shares her thoughts with her husband.

A husband invited some new coworkers over for dinner and instead of properly introducing his wife, he made a sexist joke that she felt was belittling. The wife, who goes by the name Sadie on Reddit, shared the story on the AITA forum to ask if she responded correctly.

Spoiler alert: Yes, she did. “My husband invited his new coworkers over for dinner. When they arrived, he introduced me by gesturing at me and saying, ‘This is Mrs. Smith (he didn't even say my name)...the housewife!'" Sadie revealed.

“I looked at him for a second, then I started laughing hysterically,” Sadie continued. “I then told said, ‘No, honey, I work full time, and YES I still act like a housewife when I'm home because you simply can't bother to help.’” After Sadie’s remark, the guests stared at the husband, who tried to laugh it off and then changed the subject by asking them if they wanted a drink.

The rest of the dinner was awkward, with the husband and wife exchanging angry glances. After the guests left, the husband blew up at Sadie, saying that she laughed like a “lunatic” and that she ruined “his image.”

couple, fighting, spouses, husband, wifeHusband fussing at wife.Canva Photos.

“I told him he was wrong to lie about my status and deny my degree, to begin with,” Sadie continued. He said I could've talked to him about it privately later but not like this, and making his coworkers think he's useless.” Sadie asked the online forum if she was out of line, and they responded with a collective, "No!"

People overwhelmingly supported the wife, raising an issue far beyond the fact that her husband was seriously inconsiderate. It’s a big red flag in a relationship when one spouse diminishes or belittles the other in public or private.

“Men who diminish their partners to look better at the office are gross. He only seemed to care about his embarrassment and not yours. I'd be mortified if my husband used a lie that robbed me of my success and accomplishments to prop himself up," one user responded.

“It's a red flag for the relationship. He doesn't want a partner who is an equal. He wants a dependent woman who he can provide for completely so he can feel like a man," another user added.

Some also noted that it was wrong of him to disparage homemakers.

"He diminished (being a housewife is not a ‘low’ role, but he meant it that way) you in public, you corrected him. In public. As he deserved,” said another.

woman, red flag, gif, couples, fightRed Flags Reaction GIF by Kamie CrawfordGiphy

The viral post received over 24,000 comments, highlighting the idea that belittling your partner is a serious sign of a dysfunctional relationship that should not be ignored.

According to Psychology Today, backhanded compliments, digs, and subtle put-downs are attempts by one partner to make the other feel small and themselves feel big. “Although cleverly disguised as a joke or a compliment, these comments may qualify as ‘toxic’ if they sting, cause confusion, and replay in a person’s mind for days, disrupting their peace,” Erin Leonard, Ph.D. writes.

Ultimately, commenters overwhelmingly agreed that Sadie was right not to let her husband's belittling compliment go unnoticed. By sharing it online, she opened up a meaningful discussion about appropriate humor in relationships. Studies show that it’s healthy for partners to joke around with one another, but when the comments are thinly veiled put-downs and backhanded compliments, it’s no laughing matter.

couple, couple fighting, husband and wife, red flags, conflictHusband and wife sit on opposite sides of the couch looking unhappy.Canva Photos.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Love Stories

Couples' 'oddly romantic' real-life stories have people giggling and gushing

Legitimately rom-com-worthy.

Photo credit: Canva

People are sharing their unexpected romantic moments.

Heartbreak can turn people off of the idea of romance, but even the most cynical among us can't help but smile at a genuine love story. And as it turns out, the most romantic moments often aren't the fancy, candlelight dinners or the view from the highest floor or the sunset walk on the beach. Often, the sweetest and most memorable moments aren't the ones you plan, but rather when something silly or accidental or unexpected happens.

That's why when someone asked, "What's an oddly romantic thing that's happened to you on a date?" people's responses had people swooning.

The initial response to the question read, "Was on a date with a guy and we kissed and his watch started beep[ing] really loud and we looked down and it said 'abnormal heart rate detected' lol." That story prompted people to start sharing their own unique romantic moments.

Pulse goes up. Pulse goes down.

"Was dating my now-wife and she had some medical issue that took her to the ER. She’s hooked up to the monitor and I’m sitting at the side of the bed facing all the machines. I notice that when I hold her hand her pulse goes up and when I let go it goes down.

This leads me to laugh a bit and, when she asks, explain how 'Pulse goes up, Pulse goes down!' by holding her hand. She blushes adorably and I kiss her and it’s all cute. It became a cute little thing I tease her about.

Years later and the situation is reversed—I’m in the ER and she’s come in to visit me. I’m sitting in bed talking to her when she suddenly gets sad and pouty.

romantic stories, pulse, heartrate, love stories, love"Pulse goes pp, Pulse goes sown."Photo credit: Canva

I ask what’s wrong and she says how she was watching the monitor and testing “Pulse goes up!” but my pulse goes down when she holds my hand.

I say 'Of course it does. I’m always on, always active. My mind is constantly racing - Never off. The only time I feel safe and comfortable enough that my entire mind and body can actually slow down is when I’m with you.' She teared up."

We’re married and we still tease each other about “Pulse Goes Up, Pulse Goes Down!”

Oops, I forgot my sleeping bag…

"First 'date' was a weekend hiking/camping trip. We had been friends for a very long time, but we had both been in other relationships most of the time until that point, and we clearly had the hots for each other (I say this because I don't recommend people to go on a first date as a camping trip if you don't know the person well lmao).

romantic dates, hiking, camping, first date, couplesImagine a forgotten sleeping bag bringing you together.Photo credit: Canva

The first night it stormed terribly, and I legitimately had completely forgotten my sleeping bag like a moron and was freezing. She shared her sleeping bag with me and we cuddled for warmth.

We've been married for six—seven years now. Looking back, I always tell people I was playing 4D chess when in reality I was just a f__ing idiot who didn't bring his sleeping bag on a camping trip lmao. She knows the dark truth and still married me. She's a keeper."

"Have beautiful babies."

"The first time my husband and I went on a walk together, it was the DAY we met so we definitely weren’t dating yet but we were definitely vibing with each other and flirting. This homeless guy stopped us while we’re walking and asked for money. We give him some cash, and as he’s leaving he shouts 'I HOPE YALL HAVE SOME BEAUTIFUL BABIES!' 😭😭 It was awkward for the rest of the walk lmaooo, but we did in fact have some beautiful babies, and more to come lol."

aww, gif, couples, dates, love storiesTv Land Awww GIF by Throwing ShadeGiphy

Tiny footprints

"The first time I ever picked up my wife in my car she drew little feet using the palm of her hands on my passenger window. For the next few weeks during winter whenever I started my car the frost would melt slowly revealing the tiny footprints hidden beneath. Simply reminded me of her every time and it put a big dumb grin on my face."

Bloody kisses

"Lol reminds me of when my husband and I were dating long distance. I went to visit him one day after a few months apart, we kissed in greeting then he reeled back in horror because I had blood all over my face. Turns out HE had gotten a nosebleed like a damn anime character. ❤️"

kiss, long distance, love, couples, cute, nosebleedsAnime nosebleed Giphy

Spontaneous snack bar stop

"We were walking through downtown, talking and having a blast when he suddenly disappeared. After a couple of minutes he reappeared and it turns out he rushed into a snack bar. The day before I had been talking about how my favourite candy bar was being stocked less and less in the Netherlands and he saw some in the glass display and rushed in to buy me one. I almost swooned."

A simple touch

"First date, we went to dinner + a movie on Valentine's Day. I left my lights on, so I had to call CAA to get a jump. It was -20 so we had to snuggle up tight to preserve bodily warmth. When we parted, she reached out and touched my face, and I just about died.. I always felt I was very ugly, and to have her accept my face just broke my heart (in a good way.)

Married now, and I look back on my bonehead maneuver on that first date as having been essential. She needed to know what she was getting into..."

romantic moments, odd love stories, romcom, sweet love stories"All to yourselves, just as your requested…"Photo credit: Canva

"Per your request, sir"

"On the first date with my wife we went to see a movie together and have dinner. The theater was empty, the kid walking through before the show started, looked right at me and said 'All to yourselves, just as you requested' and gave me a wink.

We both laughed after he left."

All-in on the cheesy romcom moments—but not really

"First date I ever had with my now husband. We went ice skating at PPG place around the Christmas tree and then took the incline up to look at the skyline. I’m from the Pittsburgh area and he is from Southern WV. He came up early from Thanksgiving break when we were in undergrad and grad school respectively at WVU. He was all in on the cheesy rom-com moments and made me feel like a Princess.

Turns out not only does he hate ice skating, he is afraid of heights, and also a die hard Cincinnati Bengals fan who didn’t even flip off Heinz field once. This man did a slew of things he hated and never complained or whined because he could tell I was having so much fun. I am incredibly lucky to have him and I’ve never made him ice skate again."

Here's to those surprising romantic moments that form some of our sweetest memories with our loved ones.

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