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The keys to a good, long-lasting marriage, according to happy older couples

Couples married for 25 to 57 years share the wisdom they've gleaned about happy relationships.

older couple cuddling, man kissing woman's forehead

What makes some relationships work so well for so long?

No one goes into their wedding day thinking that their marriage won't last, but as we all know, "happily" doesn't always mean "ever after." Some marriages start off strong and fizzle out over time. Some people choose the wrong partner to begin with and end up divorcing. Some go through major life upheavals that they aren't able to overcome as a pair.

But some couples live the dream, not only staying together for the long haul but truly living happily ever after. That's not to say they don't have their share of challenges or that their relationships are perfect, but long-term, happy marriages really do exist.

People often want to know what the "secret" is to a good marriage that lasts. What is it that these couples do or don't do to stay together for life in marital bliss?


Researchers like John Gottman have formally studied and analyzed relationships, sharing key elements that can make or break a marriage. But it's also good to go straight to the source—couples who are still married and happy decades after tying the knot—to hear what they have to say. Every individual and every couple are unique, of course, but when you hear similar things from happy old couples over and over again, it's a pretty safe bet that their wisdom is sound.

The AskOldPeople Reddit page has fielded various versions of the question, "What's the secret to a long and happy marriage?" several times. Here are some answers from people who've been married between 25 and 52 years:

"Marry someone who has the same basic values. Hobbies, interests and style will match over a while. Cleanliness, greed, jealousy, pettiness, ... will never change. This is character. So don`t believe that you can train this. You have to find a partner that matches with your core values. Family, friends, lifestyle." – 32 years

"Marry someone you really, really like. Because if you’re doing life together, you’re going to go through a lot of shit. So much shit, y’all. You’ve got to have a partner who you genuinely love seeing walk into the room at least 90% of the time. It’s been 32 years and I still smile when my partner shows up." – 32 years

"The three main ingredients to me are Love, Respect and Commitment. if any one of the three are missing, yer screwed." – 47 years

"Don’t let the small things bother you. Everyone has moods, but don’t take it personally. When we were first married I used to try and get my husband to talk through everything. I finally learned to just let him be for a while. In time, he’d usually come around and talk things through. Sometimes he wouldn’t, but that was okay. Be respectful, admit when you’re wrong, and be there for each other. Also, have outings with your friends alone and together. Everyone needs and deserves time to be with their friends. Divide up household chores (this is one area we still have issues with) and realize, at times, you may have to do more and vise versa." – 36 years

"We met when we were 16 and married 6 years later. During that time we got to know each other very well and agreed on common values by the time we got married. I have to say, we've never had a conflict on finances, religion, raising of children, education or any other major topic that surfaces during marriage. I trust my wife in every way as she does me. It seems to have worked for us." – 50 years

"Marry someone you both like and love. Make sure they feel the same about you. Respect, understanding, good communication are also key. Common life goals and values are a must. Make sure you have fun!" – 25 years

"Shared values, (shared faith helps), respect for each other in all things. We may not always agree on everything, but we have great respect for each other. Avoid criticism and blaming. If a serious issue has been talked out and settled, leave it in the past. Don't throw it back up at someone months or years later. Communicate, don't harbor resentments. If something is an issue, address it head on and negotiate a mutually agreed upon solution. Have a plan about finances. We do not make major financial decisions without consulting the other…And we make each other laugh, we have fun together. if you aren't laughing and having fun together, then you need to figure out why and fix that immediately. marriage is work, but its also fun, rewarding, exciting, fulfilling, and sexy!" – 44 years

"Luck in picking a decent guy at age 19 and then a lot of patience that we'd make it through the tougher times. But really it comes down to being a couple of decent human beings. It also helps a lot to be financially secure and not to have any major crises (mental illness, severely disabled child, addiction, etc) thrown at you. I'm a big fan of the the Gottmans who have done a lot of research on what makes marriages last or fail. Contempt is a killer. Actively paying attention to each other is good. And this sounds bad, but it's sort of like what makes Finland the happiest country--reasonable expectations. If you're looking for something out of a Disney fairy tale or some celebrity couple's curated IG stream every day you're bound to be disappointed. But a solid relationship where you both support each other through the ups and downs of life is a great thing." – 52 years

"— Choose wisely. Choose someone who has the same, or at least compatible, attitudes towards sex, money, religion, raising kids, and so on.

— Have the attitude that your marriage is more important than the wants or desires of either partner.

— Never assume that you know what your spouse is thinking or that they know what you are thinking. The roughest patches in our marriage occurred when one or both of us thought that our concerns were so screamingly obvious that only malice could explain the other’s failure to address those concerns. In reality, they weren’t even on the other’s radar and they weren’t really that obvious.

— Trust your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt unless you have concrete evidence that they have broken your trust. If you are worried, say something but do it in a non-accusatory manner." – 37 years

"There isn't one secret, but there are many components. The most important one is to choose your partner well for reasons that are deep and relatively permanent rather than shallow and fleeting. I chose my husband because he was authentic, honest, intelligent, fun, communicative, loving, and emotionally balanced. He was comfortable with who he was in a non-arrogant way and had no pretense.

The second is having the ability to compromise when it's important without suppressing your needs when they are important. You sometimes have to sacrifice what makes you comfortable for what is best for your future. That goes for both people. If one person is making all of the compromises, then it's going to create big problems.

In the long run, one of the more important things is that you both keep growing and improving as people together. You should be bringing out the best in each other. Couples that bring out the worst in each other will live in increasing misery. Part of doing this is recognizing when you've messed up and being able to apologize and try hard to be better." – 35 years

"The BFF aspect is real, in two senses. We are each other's closest confidant, but the connection is between two independent people, each with our own careers, interests, and circles of same sex friends, my bros and her galpals.

Neither of us has stopped growing. We were kids when we started. We have each changed enormously over this many years. It takes nonstop work, communication, and commitment to grow together rather than apart.

As our marriage has matured, we have built a supporting infrastructure of financial stability and kinship connections with grown kids, their spouses, and now grandkids that are becoming adults. In a way, we're not just a couple anymore, we're the center of a whole institution." – 57 years

Every relationship works differently, but shared values, love, respect, communication, trust, patience, compromise and choosing wisely to begin with seems to be key factors in having a relationship that not only lasts, but lasts happily. Even if you haven't experienced it yourself, it's heartening to know that happily ever after really is possible.

@callmebelly/TikTok

An excellent reminder to show kindness and patience.

Listening to a baby cry during a flight might be aggravating, but it’s nothing compared to the moans, groans, and eyerolls that the baby's parents must endure from other passengers when it happens. No matter what tips and tricks are used to try to soothe a little one’s temperament while 30,000 miles in the air, crying is almost inevitable. So, while having to ease their own child’s anxiety, moms and dads also must suffer being the pariah of the trip. What a nightmare.

Recently, one mom was apparently trying so hard to avoid upsetting her fellow flight members that she went above and beyond to essentially apologize ahead of time if her baby began to cry on its first flight. It was a gesture that, while thoughtful, had folks really feeling for how stressed that poor mom must be.

In a clip posted to his TikTok, one of the passengers—Elliot—explained that the mom handed out small care packages to those nearby.

“She’s already so busy and took the time to make these bags for everyone,” Elliot said, before panning the camera to reveal a Ziplock bag full of candy, along with a note that made him “want to cry.”

The note read: “It’s my first flight. I made a deal to be on my best behaviour—but I can’t make any guarantees. I might cry if I get scared or if my ears start to hurt. Here are some treats to make your flight enjoyable. Thank you for being patient with us. Have a great flight.”

Like Elliot, those who watched the video felt some ambivalence at the well intentioned act. Many felt remorse that she would feel the need to appease people in this way.

“This is so sweet but also … kind of breaks my heart that we live in a world in which parents feel the need to do that.”

“Because jerk people have shamed parents into believing that they need to apologize for their kids' absolutely normal behavior. What a gem of a mom.”

“You know that sweet mom worried about this trip so much.”

“That poor mom probably spent nights awake … nervous about that flight, thinking of ways to keep strangers happy.”

"That's a mom trying so hard."

Many rallied behind the mom, arguing that making others feel more comfortable with her child being on board was in no way her responsibility.

“No mom should be apologizing. Adults can control their emotions … babies not …. Hugging this mom from a distance.”

“Dear new parents: no you don’t have to do this. Your babies have the right to exist. We all know babies cry. We know you try your best.”

Luckily, there are just as many stories of fellow passengers being completely compassionate towards parents with small children—from simply choosing to throw on their headphones during a tantrum (instead of throwing one themselves) to going out of their way to comfort a baby (and taking the load of a parent in the process). These little acts of kindness make more of an impact than we probably realize. Perhaps if we incorporated more of this “it takes a village” mindset, flying could be a little bit more pleasant for everyone involved.

All GIFs and images via Exposure Labs.

Photographer James Balog and his crew were hanging out near a glacier when their camera captured something extraordinary. They were in Greenland, gathering footage from the time-lapse they'd positioned all around the Arctic Circle for the last several years.

They were also there to shoot scenes for a documentary. And while they were hoping to capture some cool moments on camera, no one expected a huge chunk of a glacier to snap clean off and slide into the ocean right in front of their eyes.


science, calving, glaciers

A glacier falls into the sea.

assets.rebelmouse.io

ocean swells, sea level, erosion, going green

Massive swells created by large chunks of glacier falling away.

assets.rebelmouse.io

It was the largest such event ever filmed.

For nearly an hour and 15 minutes, Balog and his crew stood by and watched as a piece of ice the size of lower Manhattan — but with ice-equivalent buildings that were two to three times taller than that — simply melted away.

geological catastrophe, earth, glacier melt

A representation demonstrating the massive size of ice that broke off into the sea.

assets.rebelmouse.io

As far as anyone knows, this was an unprecedented geological catastrophe and they caught the entire thing on tape. It won't be the last time something like this happens either.

But once upon a time, Balog was openly skeptical about that "global warming" thing.

Balog had a reputation since the early 1980s as a conservationist and environmental photographer. And for nearly 20 years, he'd scoffed at the climate change heralds shouting, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

"I didn't think that humans were capable of changing the basic physics and chemistry of this entire, huge planet. It didn't seem probable, it didn't seem possible," he explained in the 2012 documentary film "Chasing Ice."

There was too much margin of error in the computer simulations, too many other pressing problems to address about our beautiful planet. As far as he was concerned, these melodramatic doomsayers were distracting from the real issues.

That was then.

Greenland, Antarctica, glacier calving

The glacier ice continues to erode away.

assets.rebelmouse.io

In fact, it wasn't until 2005 that Balog became a believer.

He was sent on a photo expedition of the Arctic by National Geographic, and that first northern trip was more than enough to see the damage for himself.

"It was about actual tangible physical evidence that was preserved in the ice cores of Greenland and Antarctica," he said in a 2012 interview with ThinkProgress. "That was really the smoking gun showing how far outside normal, natural variation the world has become. And that's when I started to really get the message that this was something consequential and serious and needed to be dealt with."

Some of that evidence may have been the fact that more Arctic landmass has melted away in the last 20 years than the previous 10,000 years.

Watch the video of the event of the glacier calving below:

This article originally appeared 10 years ago.

via Canva

A young couple can't handle high prices and their dad says to save money.

One of the big talking points in the great American millennials versus baby boomers debate is whether the younger generation has knee-capped itself by its lavish spending habits that have prevented them from owning homes. If millennials stopped buying $14 avocado toast and $1,000 iPhones, would they be able to save enough for a down payment on a modest home?

Freddie Smith, 36, of Orlando, Florida, recently went viral on TikTok for a video in which he challenged the boomer argument with statistics from the Bureau of Labor, Federal Reserve, and the U.S. Census Bureau. Smith believes that the older generations misunderstand millennial finances because their concept of luxury is based on 1980s economics. Smith says that for baby boomers, essentials such as rent and child care were much more affordable, but items considered luxuries (TVs, CD players, computers) were much more expensive.

How is the economy different for millennials than it was for baby boomers?

"The main shift is that core essentials—housing, education, healthcare, and even food—have become more expensive," Smith said. "Housing and rent, for instance, now outpace wage growth, making homeownership feel unattainable for many. The cost of childcare has also skyrocketed, and food prices have increased.”

"As a result, I think older generations have a different perspective on luxury versus necessity,” Smith continued. “They grew up in a time when hard work typically led to financial stability, whereas today, even with hard work, many people struggle with the high costs of housing, rent and medical expenses. Basic survival used to be far more affordable, allowing people more financial room to build a stable life."

Smith’s numbers don’t lie. For a person in the '80s to own three TVs, a CD player, a cellphone, a microwave, and a computer, it would cost them 3.5 years of rent or a 20% downpayment on the average home. So, it was irresponsible for someone in that period to purchase all of what was known then as luxuries. However, these days, for a Millennial to have the average apartment and the equivalent amount of "luxuries" would only cost a little over one month's rent.

1980s, boomers, millennialsA 1980s computer and television. via Canva

"But if you skip that daily $6 Starbucks drink, you’ll have enough for the downpayment in 29.22 years," Yokahana joked in the comments. "I hate that housing and transportation have become luxuries," Molly added. "Imagine spending 3x your rent on a microwave," Donutdisaster wrote.

Why are luxury goods more affordable now than they were in the '80s?

The price of manufactured goods has steadily fallen over the last few decades due to technological improvements and trade policies that have allowed the U.S. to import goods from places where labor costs are cheaper. "International, global competition lowers prices directly from lower-cost imported goods, and indirectly by forcing U.S. manufacturers to behave more competitively, with lower prices, higher quality, better service, et cetera," Sociologist Joseph Cohen of Queens University said, according to Providence Journal.

Why are housing prices so high?

Housing prices in the US have soared due to the low inventory caused by the Great Recession, mortgage rates, and zoning laws that make building more challenging. Rents have increased considerably since the pandemic due to low inventory, inflation, barriers to home ownership, and the fact that more people want to live alone than with a roommate or romantic partner.

Smith’s breakdown of the economic changes over the past two generations makes a strong case for the idea that millennial financial troubles have more to do with systemic problems than spending habits. The boomers got a bad deal regarding luxury items, and the millennials with necessities. Wouldn’t living in a world where both were affordable in the same era be great?

Fowl Language by Brian Gordon

Brian Gordon is a cartoonist. He's also a dad, which means he's got plenty of inspiration for the parenting comics he creates for his website, Fowl Language (not all of which actually feature profanity). He covers many topics, but it's his hilarious parenting comics that are resonating with parents everywhere.

"My comics are largely autobiographical," Gordon tells me. "I've got two kids who are 4 and 7, and often, what I'm writing happened as recently as that very same day."

Gordon shared 15 of his oh-so-real comics with us. They're all funny 'cause they're true.

Let's get started with his favorite, "Welcome to Parenting," which Gordon says sums up his comics pretty well. "Parenting can be such tedious drudgery," he says, "but if it wasn't also so incredibly rewarding there wouldn't be nearly so many people on the planet."

Truth.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

1.

parenting, comics, humor

“Welcome to parenting."

via Fowl Language

All comics are shared here with Gordon's express permission. These comics are all posted on his website, in addition to his Facebook page. You can also find a "bonus" comic that goes with each one by clicking the "bonus" link. Original. Bonus.

2.

food allergies, fussy, picky eaters

Eating is never fundamental.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

3.

sleep deprivation, children, isolation

Adjusting the coping mechanism.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

4.

ducks, birds, fowl

I used to be cool.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

5.

naps, popcorn, movies

Naps happen.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

6.

politics, advice, education

Rolling with the punches.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

7.

emotions, therapy, emotional maturity

Tears happen.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

8.

insomnia, sleep deprivation, kids

It’s time to get up.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

9.

psychology, toddlers, family

The benefits of experience.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

10.

babies, diapers, responsibility

Is it gas?

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

11.

sociology, grief counseling, dads

Everyone gets therapy, yea.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

12.

moms, dress up, costumes

Everyone has a role to play.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

13.

doctor, medicine, pediatrics

What’s up doc?

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

14.

sports, competition, aggression

Everyone gets a participation ribbon.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

15.

theatrics, advice, Dan Gordon

Perception shifts.

via Fowl Language

Original. Bonus.

I love Gordon's comics so much because they're just about the reality of parenting — and they capture it perfectly.

There's no parenting advice, no judgment, just some humor about the common day-to-day realities that we all share.

When I ask him about the worst parenting advice he's ever received, Gordon relays this anecdote:

"I remember being an absolute sleep-deprived wreck, sitting outside a sandwich shop, wolfing down my lunch quickly beside my 1-month-old son, who was briefly resting his lungs between screaming fits.

A rather nosy woman walked up to me and said, all smugly, 'You should enjoy this time while they're easy.' It was the exact worst thing anyone could have said to me in that moment and I just wanted to curl up on the sidewalk and cry."

Who hasn't been on the receiving end of totally unneeded and unwanted advice? That's why Gordon's comics are so welcome: They offer up a space for us to all laugh about the common experiences we parents share.

Here's to Gordon for helping us chuckle (through the tears).


This article originally appeared nine years ago.

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Quantum immortality?

Might we never really pass on into nothingness? Has the world ended many times before? Are we in fact doomed to spend eternity unknowingly jumping from one dimension to the next? According to one TikTok theory, the answer is yes. And it's blowing millions of minds worldwide.

Joli Moli (@joli.artist) is quite used to spooking and perplexing viewers with conspiracy theories and alternative hot takes. In her video titled "Apocalypse...again," Joli introduced the concept of Hugh Everett's quantum immortality. Fans of the Marvel "multiverse," are quite familiar with this concept, where instead of experiencing death, "your consciousness just gets transferred to a parallel universe where you survived," the TikTokker explained.




Joli admits that this might burst the bubbles of those seeking the "sweet relief" of a widespread apocalypse. "If the quantum immortality theory is correct," she deduced, "you're just going to wake up in a parallel universe with no memory of the fact that you just survived an apocalyptic event."

According to Joli, the only sort of clue or hint you'd get that you might have woken up in a parallel world would be "new Mandela effects." You know, the strange phenomenon where all of a sudden there are two completely opposing memories of historical events? Yeah, quantum theory says that if you remember Curious George having a tail, you probably died in another universe.

Driving her point home, Joli added: "What I'm basically implying here is that in our reality, apocalypses happen every day … after the inevitable apocalypse occurs, you're going to wake up the next day in a new reality, and the next thing you know, you're going to find yourself on Reddit talking about 'since when did Pizza Hut have two Ts?!' Arguing with people who are native of this new reality, talking about 'it's always had two Ts'."

I for one would never want to live in a Pizza Hutt universe. Blech.

Still not sold on the theory? Joli has further arguments: "You don't believe me? Okay, it's been about 65 million years since the asteroids allegedly took out the dinosaurs. ... So you mean to tell me that in the last 65 million years, no other asteroids have come through the neighborhood, taken us out? You think we're just that lucky, huh? No other super volcanic events in 65 million years? We're just out there in space just dodging asteroids by luck, right? Earth doesn't have a steering wheel."

Hmmm. That's a good point.

Joli concluded with the upbeat sentiment that "Earth is probably always being taken out, and our consciousness just keeps getting transferred to another parallel universe, and another one, and another one. For all you know, the apocalypse maybe already happened last night…"

So far, in this reality anyway, the video has 4.9 million views. And—as to be expected—the video left many feeling uneasy.

One user commented, "Ok, I'm actually kind of freaking out right now coz I'm not the conspiracy typa guy, but you're like eerily making sense."

A few resorted to sarcasm as a defense mechanism (understandably), like this Twitterer: "Thanks I was overdue for another existential crisis."

The discourse got so intense, people were reporting physical side effects from the stress. One person wrote: "The thought of never being able to actually die is extremely depressing, and it's giving me a headache."

Another added, "Bruh, I'm just done with this anxiety. My body [is] emotionally [and] physically TIREDDD."

One commenter, who clearly had their priorities straight, wrote: "You're over here talking about extinction level events and I'm having to check on the two Ts in Pizza Hut."

It wasn't all gloom and doom though. According to indy100, some saw the potential of eternal life as a comfort against the loss of loved ones, while others finally got to make sense of their "world-ending" dreams.

If you have watched the original TikTok and are filled with burning questions, Joli posted a follow up Q&A video. A small disclaimer: You might be left with even more questions.

Though we may never really know what awaits us on the other side, it is interesting to think that we might live in a multiverse with infinite second chances. And whether or not this theory floats your metaphysical boat, it's fun to contemplate on one of life's biggest mysteries.


This article originally appeared four years ago.