A young gay couple laying in bed.
There is a subtle form of prejudice that LGBTQ couples face when their relationships aren’t seen as viable or genuinely loving as heterosexuals. Some may believe that LGBTQ attraction is purely sexual or that their relationships are somehow inferior because they aren't "traditional."
The result is that LGBTQ couples can be made to feel that their love is seen as lesser than that enjoyed by straight people.
A 29-year-old gay man felt that his husband’s mother-in-law disrespected their marriage, and her homophobia was so blatant that the couple had to leave a family vacation. A Reddit user, throwaway5289392, went on vacation with his husband at an Airbnb with his family. The group was comprised of five couples—his husband’s three siblings and significant others, and his mother and father-in-law.
When the couple arrived, the mother-in-law pre-determined their bedroom selection. Strangely, the gay couple was given a room with two twin beds instead of a double bed, so they had to sleep separately. The couple tried to bring the beds together, but their headboards were attached to the wall. In contrast, all of the heterosexual couples got to sleep in double beds.
The room selection seemed suspicious to throwaway5289392.
Young couple laughing in bed.
“I asked my [mother-in-law] why she had chosen a house that didn’t have enough double beds to hold all of the couples that were invited, and she told me to stop making a fuss because it wasn’t that big of a deal,” they wrote on the AITA subforum.
Now, the poster could have easily chalked the mother-in-law’s decision to chance, not malice, but her response showed that she harbored some homophobic feelings toward her son and his husband.
“I then asked why she hadn’t mentioned it beforehand, and she rolled her eyes at me, saying that I was overdramatic, a ‘walking stereotype’ and that me not clinging to her son for a little while might be for the best,” he wrote.
A caring mother-in-law would have apologized and tried to find a way to fix the situation. But instead, she called him a “walking stereotype,” referring to the age-old gay drama queen trope. Instead of seeing the situation humanely, she resorted to diminishing him by seeing him as little more than a stereotype.
Also, would the mother-in-law have accused any of her straight kids' spouses of being too clingy?
“Considering she has made some borderline homophobic comments in the past (she claims they’re jokes), I was quite uncomfortable, and based on her remarks, I felt like she had given the room with the single beds to the only gay couple on purpose,” throwaway5289392 wrote.
So, the couple decided to pack their bags and stay in a hotel room a few towns over where they could sleep together. Their decision didn’t sit well with the mother-in-law, who accused the couple of “dividing” the family and ruining the vacation.
A young gay couple watches TV.
Throwaway5289392 asked the forum if he was in the wrong for leaving the vacation, and he received overwhelming support.
“From what you've said, it does sound like she intentionally gave ‘the gay couple’ separate beds. You didn't ruin the vacation. Her homophobia did," Rredhead926 wrote.
“If it was not a big thing, MIL could have taken the room herself. She did this on purpose. You handled [her] well,” TinyCost2291 added.
SevenCarrots made the important point that someone who isn’t homophobic would have taken a much more thoughtful approach to the bed situation.
“This woman is hostile towards you and homophobic. A kind, sensitive person would make sure they DIDN'T give the gay couple the room with two single beds, precisely because they wouldn’t want it to seem intentional,” SevenCarrots wrote.
Overall the commenters agreed that the couple was right to stand up for themselves and to refuse to be treated as a second-class couple on the trip.
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.