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Joy

For refugee women trapped in limbo, 'The Sisterhood' offers a vital lifeline of hope and support

For refugee women trapped in limbo, 'The Sisterhood' offers a vital lifeline of hope and support

I'm sitting in an outdoor eating area in Jakarta, sweat dripping down the back of my sundress, gazing at the young Muslim woman across the table from me. It's a thousand degrees and humid, and I can't figure out how she can look so comfortable in her black hijab and long sleeves.

The physical contrast between us feels emblematic, as does the table that separates us. It may as well be an ocean. Neither of us belongs in Indonesia, yet here we are—me as a middle-class American on an overseas work trip, her as an Afghan refugee trapped in a country that has no place for her.

I'm keenly aware that neither of us has chosen these identities, that it's merely the happenstance of our births that has placed us where we are. My obvious privilege hovers over us like a disco ball, but neither of us mentions it.


As we begin chatting, a few things strike me immediately. Her voice seems soft, but only on the surface—below it runs a stream of strength and determination. I'm impressed by her excellent command of English, then stunned to find out she only started studying it in 2017. She is warm, honest, and smart as a whip. When she tells me she had planned to be a lawyer, I'm not surprised. This is clearly a young woman who can do anything she puts her mind to—a reality that makes her current life circumstances all the more heartbreaking.

I will call her Roya, though that's not her real name. She doesn't want me to publish any details about her personal life, partially for her own privacy and partially because she's not here to talk about herself. She's here to tell me about The Sisterhood—a supportive community for refugee women in Jakarta that she helped found.

To understand the full significance of The Sisterhood, you first need to know what it means to be a refugee in this place. Traditionally, Indonesia has been a brief stopover spot for refugees and asylum seekers making their way to safe third countries, but that has changed in recent years.

RELATED: The refugee crisis is daunting, but Canada offers an inspiring example of how to help.

Currently, 70 million people are displaced from their homes around the world, largely due to conflict—a number which has more than doubled in the past 20 years. The increase in refugees worldwide combined with countries like the U.S. and Australia slashing refugee resettlement numbers has resulted in a clogged drain situation in Indonesia. For years, refugees have streamed in, but barely trickled out.

Now, they are stuck here. In 2017, the UNHCR (the United Nations refugee resettlement agency) told the 14,000 refugees living Indonesia that their chances of being resettled in a third country are slim to none, and that they should plan on remaining in the country indefinitely. But since Indonesia is not a signatory to the 1951 Refugee Convention, it is under no obligation to provide protection to refugees. The government has decided that they are allowed to stay, meaning they won't be deported back to their dangerous places of origin, but they have no legal status. That means they can't legally work, can't get a bank account, and can't officially participate in the education system.

Refugees in Indonesia live in limbo, relying largely on charity, holding out hope for a life they may never see. Government and NGO funding is limited, and homelessness among the refugee population has been an ongoing concern in Jakarta. Immigration detention centers have been overrun by refugees who prefer detention to living on the street, causing severe overcrowding. Many live in shared housing and apartments funded by local religious groups and other charity groups.

Basic shelter and sustenance is one thing, but what about life beyond mere survival? I look at Roya, this extraordinarily bright and capable young woman in the prime of her life, and it seems impossible that she could have no options. She's been here for five years already. What exactly are these people supposed to do? How do they maintain hope under such circumstances?

This is where The Sisterhood comes in.

All refugees experience insecurity and uncertainty, but refugee women face specific challenges in terms of personal safety, trauma, discrimination, and family responsibility. Recognizing this fact, a small group of refugee women, including Roya, decided to form a supportive community center for refugee women in Jakarta in 2018. Some outside partners have helped with some of the organizational logistics, but the now thriving community is entirely led by refugee women themselves.

Thanks to a local citizen who donated a former orphanage building to the women rent-free for three years, The Sisterhood has a beautiful facility where the women can gather. The center offers free classes (the first term included classes such as tailoring, Indonesian cooking, and self-defense), and a playroom allows mothers to bring their children with them. The space is also used for socializing, wellness programs, and basic services.

The founders make sure that the needs of the women The Sisterhood serves stay front and center, with regular evaluation and consultation. After the first term, the self-defense class was changed to yoga and mindfulness, based on attendee feedback. Computer skills, beauty, and basic English literacy classes are all currently on the docket. Occasional health and dental checkups are offered through the center, as well as dispersement of hygiene products and other necessities.

Opportunities for learning, skill-building, and emotional support are vital for refugee women to stay mentally and emotionally strong. But perhaps the most important element of The Sisterhood is the feeling of safety it provides for these women. Roya says refugee women don't always feel safe even within the refugee community, much less outside of it. The Sisterhood gives them a place where they can feel safe and equal.

I ask Roya about mental health services for women at the center. Trauma is a common theme among refugees for obvious reasons, and women are most likely to be survivors of sexual violence and other atrocities. From my Western perspective, I wonder if bringing in counselors might be helpful, but Roya says the mental health needs are different for unsettled refugee women.

"We are not in a safe and secure situation yet," Roya points out. She says that sitting down with a psychologist and going through their past trauma would be like scratching a wound that can't heal in their current circumstances. Security has to come first.

Instead, focusing on learning and building skills in the present makes refugee women feel helpful and useful, says Roya, which helps with their mental state. And preparing for the future—even an uncertain one—helps them maintain hope, so that if or when they get a chance to resettle, they'll be able to say, "I'm ready."

Keeping a sense of hope is a lifeline for refugees, which explains the fire in Roya's voice when she talks about what the UNHCR has said about their chances of resettlement. "They are trying to steal our hope," she says. Refugees are constantly told to "be calm" and "be patient," she says, but they are also told that they are essentially trapped there. The UN agency has said they're just trying to be honest with the refugees in Indonesia, but Roya contends that kind of honesty isn't helpful.

"I tell my friends that a visa is coming soon, even it if's a lie," she says, a sad smile crossing her face. "I love this sweet lie."

Without hope of resettlement, the only choice refugees have is to resign themselves to a life with no sense of productivity, no opportunity to contribute to society, and no means of providing for themselves. That's not a life, and why refugees in Indonesia have gathered at the grassroots level to provide education and support for themselves whenever possible.

I find myself enamored by the resilience and strength of the refugee women I've met here, but again, I have to check myself. Roya points out that people tend to see projects like The Sisterhood and the refugee learning centers in Jakarta doing wonderful work and get the impression that refugees here are doing well.

"It's not that we're doing well," she says. "We are doing what we have to do to survive." Under the circumstances, resilience and strength aren't character choices, but survival mechanisms.

At the same time, by definition, refugees are survivors. Escaping danger in the first place requires a certain measure of courage, fortitude, and problem-solving. Surviving in a foreign country where you didn't plan to stay and have no legal rights takes a whole other level of strength, creativity, and perseverance. The refugees I've encountered have capacities that put most of us to shame.

Roya and her fellow refugee women who created The Sisterhood are perfect examples. They are making the most of their situation and using constructive resilience to serve the needs of their community, despite severe limitations.

Throughout our conversation, I'm thinking about how absurd it is that the U.S. government is currently resettling the lowest number of refugees in our history. The refugees I've met are exactly the kinds of caring, productive, ambitious, and innovative people you want in a society. It's nothing short of abject foolishness that we aren't begging these people to come resettle in our country.

RELATED: America should be clamoring to take in refugees, and not just for humanitarian reasons.

Roya's passion for helping her fellow refugees is summed up in something she wrote about the mission of The Sisterhood:

"We want to bring hope to refugees lives.

We want to keep their dignity up.

We want to help them tolerate every bad situation.

We want to remind them that even when life is dark it is not going to last.

We want to remind them it is not the time to give up.

As a refugee, I know the most important thing that can help people to stay positive is having hope. As Stephen Hawking said: 'While there is life, there is hope.' So there is hope for a better future for us. It is time to use our capacity and our ability to help each other thrive together side by side. Maybe we don't have enough sources and enough experiences, but I am proud to say we are moving forward. We found the right path and nothing will stop us."

As our conversation wraps up, I walk around the table to say thank you and goodbye, trying to balance professionalism with what's pushing on my heart. I want Roya to know that I recognize the injustice of my unearned life of ease compared to her unearned hardship. I want her to know that I see and hear her struggle, even if I can't possibly put myself fully in her shoes. I want to tell her I wish I could work miracles, walk across the ocean that separates us, tie a disco ball above her own head and watch her dance.

Instead I take her hand and thank her for sharing her thoughts, her story, and her experiences with The Sisterhood with me. Then I walk away, wondering how I'm going to do any of it justice.

@cosmo_andtheoddparents/TikTok

He wuvs his vet.

Not every dog might jump with joy after seeing their vet out in public. But for Cosmo the Golden Retriever, it was practically Christmas all over again when he spotted his own vet, Dr. Jones, at a brewery.

In an adorable clip posted to TikTok, we see Cosmo in pure, unadulterated bliss as he snuggles with an equally happy Dr. Jones, who, considering he’s still in his scrubs, might have just gotten out of work to grab a quick pint.

Watch:

Ugh, the cuteness is too much to handle! People in the comments could barely contain their secondhand joy.

“He looked over like, “Mom, do you see who this is?” one person wrote, while another said, “What in the Hallmark movie? Adorable!!”

One person even joked, “Did we all check the vet’s hand for a wedding ring? (Said as a married woman. Looking out for you all, or something.)”

According to Hannah Dweikat, Cosmo’s owner, the two actually share quite a history. She tells Upworthy that when Cosmo was but a wee pup, he “gave a scare” after eating a Sago Palm seed, which are highly toxic to dogs, from a plant in their backyard, which of course resulted in him being rushed to the animal hospital and staying there over the weekend.

While that’s every pet owner’s worst nightmare, and certainly a scary situation for the poor fur baby, Dweikat says that “the calm and patient demeanor” of Dr. Jones and his staff put Cosmo at ease. And because of this, “Cosmo has always loved going to see his friends—especially because they give him lots of treats and snuggles.”

Cosmo and Dr. Jones’ buddyship has also blossomed thanks to proximity, as Dweikat only lives down the street from the clinic. “Which means we get to see Dr. Jones and his staff out in public at times and Cosmo takes every chance he can get to say hi,” she explains. This time, however, she was able to capture it all on video. Yay for us!

What makes a good vet?

While not every vet, however gifted, will be able to elicit this type of reaction from their patients, having a calming presence like Dr. Jones is certainly a good sign for pet owners to be on the lookout for when shopping around for their own vet. But that’s not the only quality a good vet needs. According to Saint Matthews University, a vet also needs to have high stamina (both physically and mentally), as well as an ability to tolerate unpleasant situations (you can’t faint at the sight of blood or vomit), a high level of emotional intelligence (maybe all doctors should possess this skill, but especially those who work with animals), adaptability, a sense of enthusiasm, and finally, excellent communication skills.

Dr. Jones seems to have these attributes in spades, and his patients clearly love him for it. None so much as Cosmo, obviously.

By the way, if you’re in need of even more content featuring this precious pup, you can follow Cosmo on both TikTok and Instagram.

Parenting

His mother gave him a 'husbands in training' course as a child. Every parent should do it.

Learning how to be a good spouse shouldn't just be something we pick up by accident.

Doug Weaver explains "Husbands in Training."

Even though the marriage rate in the United States is on a steep decline, chances are that the majority of kids growing up today will get married at some point in their lives. If current trends continue, about half of those will end in divorce.

Research published in the Couple and Family Psychology journal found that the top five reasons for divorce are a lack of commitment, infidelity, too much conflict, getting married young, and financial problems.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were taught from a young age how to be a good spouse so we could avoid these pitfalls? But in American culture, most of us aren’t taught the specifics of how to have a happy and healthy marriage. Most of us tend to pick things up from watching the married people in our orbit, most likely our parents.

No comment on how that's going.

Artist Doug Weaver had a much different upbringing. His mother, Mickey, made a curriculum for him and his two older brothers when they were kids to help them be great husbands when they got married.

"When I was a kid, my mom did this thing for me and my two older brothers called 'Husbands in Training,'" he explained in a TikTok video that has more than 5.9 million views. "It was a full, multiple-level curriculum on how to be a better husband."

Weaver says the training covered topics from chivalry to eating to a rather uncomfortable discussion on "the ethics of the porn industry." His mother also stressed the importance of listening to women and identifying when another man may be giving them trouble.

"There was a lot of really good stuff in that curriculum," Doug said. "There were things like what to do if your spouse says something and the information they give is wrong. How to handle it if they say something wrong in public versus in private, when it is appropriate to correct them and when it isn't."

Weaver’s mother was also way ahead of her time because she made a big deal about teaching her sons the importance of consent. "We talked about consent, we talked about the basics of respecting and honoring women and listening to women, and all of the things that really just make you a decent human being," Doug explained.

@dougweaverart

Husbands in training! #parenting #storytime #story

The lessons were so powerful that even Weaver’s father decided to take the course. "A lot of the things that we were learning from my mom were things that he was never taught growing up,” Weaver said. "So, he decided he also wanted to take 'Husbands in Training.'"

The course officially ended when Weaver and his brothers got married. "My mom even made certificates of completion that she signed and gave to each of us on our wedding day," he shared in his TikTok clip.

However, the video Weaver shared was so popular on TikTok that he’s making his mother’s course available to the general public. “After posting about ‘Husbands in Training’ on TikTok, the TT community really wants my mom to produce content about raising boys to be good men,” he wrote on a GoFundMe fundraising campaign in 2022.

The overwhelming response to Weaver’s TikTok has inspired a new YouTube channel to spread Mickey’s lessons far and wide. But it has also made a lot of people realize that teaching people how to be great spouses is a lifelong journey and should be a major part of child-rearing. Learning how to be a good spouse shouldn't just be something we pick up by accident.


This article originally appeared three years ago.


@oldmansrock/Instagram

Truly a once in a lifetime talent.

When we think of badass, alt rock icons of the 90s, few are as singular and unique as Dolores O’Riordan, who gave The Cranberries its signature sound, and who was once described as having"the voice of a saint trapped in a glass harp.”

It wasn’t just that O’Riordan flawlessly blended traditional Celtic singing techniques like lilting and keening into rock music (which in itself is an amazing feat) but that her performances never compromised emotional authenticity for the sake of aesthetics. The result, as any fan will tell you, was something both ethereal and raw all at the same time.

So it should probably be of no surprise that in this resurfaced clip, presumably from the late 90s, O’Riordan’s stunning cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” is every bit as magical. As @oldmansrock, the account that posted the video, wrote, “the way that Dolores could challenge the pitch but still stay on key, that is the mark of an accomplished singer.

It sounds dissonant compared to the manufactured material of today, where every tone is perfect, but hers is oh so human, and so very Irish! It is beautiful!”

But don’t just take their word for it. Watch:

If this had you wanting to pull up a Cranberries playlist on your Spotify to listen to for the rest of the day, you're not alone. Down in the comments, the renewed love for O’’Riordan was palpable.

“What sits deep with me is that no one sounds like her. Her voice is unmistakable. Whatever her take on a song/lyric? It was authentically, soul-touching Dolores.

“She was unbelievably talented and the cranberries are criminally underrated.”

“Her Irish vocal sweep ups are amazing.”

“She was just brilliant!!! Incredibly talented as well as a lovely and kind human being. I love and miss her. I don't know how anyone can have a bad word to say about this. I thought it was brilliant, both her live cover and studio cover. I wish people weren't so stubborn. I can accept covers no problem if the singer is talented enough, and she most certainly is. ❤️”

“A keening Irish queen. Her voice will always stir me.”

“An actual once in a generation talent”

“Also a master of the microphone. She knows exactly where the sweet spot is for every note.”

“She could melt your heart with that voice, or completely blow you away. Missed dearly, but never forgotten ❤️”

This cover would go on to be a part to the Cranberries’ third album, To The Faithful Departed, which was released in 1996 and became the band’s highest-charting album on the US Billboard 200, and was praised for its darker tone as well as its themes of grief and loss.

After O’Riordan died from drowning due to alcohol intoxication in January 2018, the Cranberries would disband in 2019, but they released their final album, In the End, that year. It was comprised of some of O'Riordan's unfinished demo tapes.

While O’Riordan met the same tragic fate that befalls many artists, especially those in the music industry, her spirit lives on in her art. Because she put so much of herself into her craft, even bite-sized clips of her performances, many years later, inspire those who listen to it. That’s something worth celebrating.

By the way, you can catch a full video of the cover below.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Upworthy has covered a few stories about people who decided to live permanently on cruise ships because it's cheaper than living on land or in a nursing home. These stories have connected with millions because they say a lot about the modern cost of living but are also aspirational.

Christine Kesteloo has become popular on TikTok with over 680,000 followers because she shares what living on a cruise ship is really like. Kesteloo is the wife of the ship’s Staff Chief Engineer, so she gets to live on the boat for free. She only has to pay for alcohol and soda, which she gets for half off according to Business Insider.

“I live on a cruise ship for half the year with my husband, and it's often as glamorous as it sounds,” she told Insider. “After all, I don't cook, clean, make my bed, do laundry or pay for food.“

Kesteloo’s life seems pretty stress-free. After all, she's basically on a permanent vacation. However, even though she lives on a cruise ship as a “wife on board,” there are a few things she either can’t or shouldn’t do.

She shared these four things in a TikTok video with nearly 10 million views.

@dutchworld_americangirl

I go through four things I can, and cannot do it while living on the cruise ship with my husband #weliveonacruiseship #4things #alaskacruise #cruiseship #cruiseshiplife #cruise #alaska #caribbeancruise #cruiselife #livingstsea #getreadywithme

1. No gambling

Kesteloo says she cannot sit at a slot machine and “play my heart out until I win.” She believes it would “look a little weird if I, as the wife of the staff chief engineer, won a big jackpot.”

2. Can’t leave the ship with the guests

When the ship arrives at a destination, she can't get off with the guests. She must wait about an hour and exit the vessel with the crew. When returning to the ship, she also has to be on time. “No, they will not wait for us,” she says. And the same goes for her husband, if they “miss the ship, someone else will take over the role.”

3. Sit in a crowded pool

Although Kesteloo has access to the pool, gym, and all the ship’s amenities, she’s cautious not to interfere with the guests' good time. She’ll exit the pool if it’s busy because “it’s just the right thing to do.”

4. Must have international traveler insurance

She must have insurance in case of a misfortune on the ship. But as a citizen of the Netherlands, they already have coverage and just have to pay a few extra dollars a month.

Some of the most popular commenters on the video were from women regretting that they married men who aren’t chief engineers on cruise ships or those who want to know where to find a single one.

"OK, can you explain how to marry a cruise ship engineer?" one female commentator wrote.

"How. in. the. H E double hockey sticks do I become the wife of a cruise ship engineer???? I don’t have to work AND cruise for free!" another added.

"Does he have any single friends with same job??? Asking for me," one more asked.

It's a charmed life!


This article originally appeared last year.

How long can you hang out?

Would you really want to know how long you have to live? On one hand, it’d probably inspire you to go out and complete your bucket list. On the other, it may be depressing to know just how many days you have left. Well, science has yet to discover a way to determine the average person's life expectancy, but some indicators can show whether someone is in danger of having their life cut short by deteriorating health.

A study published by Clinical Interventions in Aging in 2019 determined that handgrip strength can be a reliable proxy for how long one has to live. One of the best ways to judge handgrip strength is to time how long you can hang from a bar. To test your grip strength, find yourself a pull-up bar, whether at a gym or local park, take a deep breath, and start hanging.

The study found that 30 seconds is a good target for women and 60 is an excellent goal for men. Therefore, if you go longer than the goal, you’re looking at a long life. But if you can’t quite get there, your life may be shorter than you’d like.



Dr. Peter Attia, founder of Early Medical and author of Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity (2023), believes that grip strength is a great way to determine one’s overall health.

“It's just a great proxy for overall body strength and muscle mass, but I think it's also a very functional form of strength,” he said on The Drive podcast. “Basically, everything in your upper body is mediated through your hands. And if your grip is weak, everything downstream of that is weak. When you watch someone who's got a weak grip deadlifting it's very difficult for them to deadlift correctly because they don't create a proper wedge.

Doctors Eve M. Glazier and Elizabeth Ko at UCLA Health say poor grip strength is connected to numerous diseases. “Research continues to link a decline in grip strength to a range of adverse health issues, including heart disease, arthritis, osteoporosis, Type 2 diabetes and certain cancers. It has also been found to be a predictor of the likelihood of post-surgical complications, post-surgical recovery time and mortality,” they wrote on the UCLA Health blog.

Weight can also significantly affect how long a person can hang from a bar. So, do lighter people have an unfair advantage over those on the heavier side? Well, weight is also an important indicator of longevity. A study published in Aging Cellfound a direct correlation between increased body mass and decreased longevity.



The good news for people who didn’t quite make their hang time goal is that you can improve it by practicing dead hangs.

How to perform a dead hang (according to Healthline):

  • Use a secure overhead bar. Use a step or bench to reach the bar with your arms easily. You don’t want to jump straight into a dead hang.
  • Grip the bar with an overhand grip (palms facing away from you). Aim to keep your arms shoulder-width apart.
  • Move your feet off the step or bench so you’re hanging on to the bar.
  • Keep your arms straight and stay relaxed.
  • If you’re new to the exercise, hang for 10 seconds. Then, work your way up to 45 seconds to 1 minute at a time.
  • Slowly step back onto the step or bench before releasing your arms. Repeat up to 3 times if you wish.

This article originally appeared last year.