upworthy
Add Upworthy to your Google News feed.
Google News Button
Family

9 things to know about kids in foster care. Plus an unforgettable view into their lives.

Foster care is a nightmare for some kids and their foster parents. For others, it's a blessing.

foster care, foster care facts, zoe removed
Image via Nathaniel Matanick

A clip from "ReMoved Part Two"



Zoe's story, "Removed," has been seen by millions of people.

It was previously shared by my amazing Upworthy colleague Laura Willard. We got just a tiny taste of what it was like for kids in foster care, right after being removed. Specifically, a little girl named Zoe and her little brother Benaiah.

My wife and I, foster parents for the past year, even shared the original with our adoption worker, who passed it along to the entire agency and, then, it took off like wildfire among those people as well.

This is part 2 of that story, and it hits hard.

(Yes, the video's on the long side at about 20 minutes. But it's worth the watch to the end.)

She describes her life as a cycle, interrupted by a tornado. She's a foster child. I don't think I need to say any more.

So ... let's accompany that with 9 uncomfortable — but enlightening — facts below. There are only nine bolded, but within those headers, there are several more facts.

1. There are an estimated 400,000 kids in foster care right now.

Some are awaiting adoption. Some will go back to their parents. Others will age out or, sometimes, run away.

2. Foster kids can suffer from PTSD at almost two times the rate of returning veterans.

And PTSD can mimic a lot of other mental illnesses, and it can manifest as nightmares, flashbacks, fight-or-flee responses, anger outbursts, and hyper-vigilance (being on "red alert" at all times), among other symptoms.

Image via Nathaniel Matanick.


3. The average age of a foster child is 9 years old.

They're just on that edge of childhood, and chances are, it's been a pretty messed up childhood at that. Trauma does that.

4. About half of all foster kids are in non-relative foster homes.

8% are in institutions, 6% are in group homes, and only 4% are in pre-adoptive homes. Read that again — only 4% are in pre-adoptive homes.

5. Some of foster children experience multiple placements. In some cases, eight or more.

That's eight homes that they move into — and out of. And just consider ... that means they lose not just adults and other kids with whom they are establishing a bond, but friends, schoolmates, pets.

Clip via Nathaniel Matanick


6. The average foster child remains in the system for almost two years before being reunited with their biological parents, adopted, aging out, or other outcomes.

8% of them remain in foster care for over five years. Of the 238,000 foster kids who left the system in 2013, about half were reunited with parents or primary caregivers, 21% were adopted, 15% went to live with a relative or other guardian, and 10% were emancipated (aged out).

7. In 2013, more than 23,000 young people aged out of foster care with no permanent family to end up with.

And if you add that up, year after year, hundreds of thousands of foster youth will have aged out of the system. What does that look like? "You're 18. You've got no place to live and no family. Good luck — buh-bye now!" One-quarter of former foster kids experience homelessness within four years of exiting the system.

8. Foster "alumni" (those who have been in foster homes and either adopted, returned to parents, or aged out) are likely to suffer serious mental health consequences.

They are four-five times more likely to be hospitalized for attempting suicide and five-eight times more likely to be hospitalized for serious psychiatric disorders in their teens.

Based on that set of statistics alone, it's in the public's interest (ignoring, for a second, the interests of those kids) to help them through their lot in life and spend resources making it all work much better for everybody before it gets to that point. Right?

So there's a lot to be angry about in this whole messed up situation. But this next thing? My blood boils.

What's one of the biggest risk factors in families whose children are placed in foster care?

Your guess?

Cruelty?

Drugs?

Sexual abuse?

Neglect?

The answer is ...

9. Poverty

Together with homelessness and unemployment, it's a main contributing factor. It happens all the time. The fact that it's far easier for a parent to be accused and investigated for neglect or abuse because of simple things like lack of access to a vehicle, or a working refrigerator, or the ability to get a kid to a doctor's appointment — that has a lot to do with this. Tie that to the link between drug abuse and poverty and between poverty and child abuse ... well, you can see where this is going.

And in a country where one-third of children are living in poverty (hint: the good ol' U.S. of A.), imagine how that affects the number of kids being removed and placed into foster care.

I'll end this with a bit of hope through my story.

My kids went through something a lot like the kids in the clip above before they came to live with us. We've been through the ringer in ways that we're going to have to talk about one day because it's not just that the kids have been challenging — they have — it's that the system itself has been more challenging.

The entire system — from agencies to government entities to social workers to even the schools — seems like it's designed to fail these kids and the families who are attempting to help. It's almost designed not to work. There, I said it.

But that doesn't mean we won't fight to make it better for everybody. We most definitely will.

Image from a photo by my wife, Robin.

As for us, we're just a few weeks away from becoming the legal parents to these kids, and we're extremely happy to be right here, making it happen. And they seem quite happy to be our kids. Along the way, we fell in love with them, and we can't imagine life without them.

But to be totally honest ... if we'd have known how hard it was going to be when we started this journey, and if we could somehow turn back the clock and NOT do it ... well, would we have actually gone forward with the process?

I take that back. I won't be totally honest here. I will simply let you decide.

Here are some places to help, if you're so inclined.

        • AdoptUsKids.org is a place to start if you're considering fostering or adopting.
        • My Stuff Bags is a really cool and inexpensive way to help foster kids by gifting them actual luggage, duffel bags, and more, so that they don't travel from home to home with garbage bags for their belongings — or nothing at all.
        • CASA for Children offers legal help and advocates for foster kids through a network of volunteers.

        This story was written by Brandon Weber and originally appeared on 07.17.15

        From Your Site Articles
        foster care
        FamilyKids
        Badge
        Bank of America
        Bank of America
        Community

        34 broken bones, a mural, and Buddy the Elf—what these three things have in common

        "I never thought I’d run again. But against the odds, here I am."

        34 broken bones, a mural, and Buddy the Elf—what these three things have in common
        True

        The Bank of America Chicago Marathon took place on Sunday, October 12th. Every runner who took on the enormous feat of 26.2 miles is truly an inspiration. We’re proud to share three outstanding stories about the power of community, giving back and crossing the finish line. Not only did they run an outstanding distance, but they each also gave back by fundraising for an organization that changes lives for the better.

        Running a marathon is so much more than race day. It’s sticking to a schedule, getting enough rest, learning how to fuel your body for long distances, and—perhaps the most challenging of all—building mental resilience.


        Meet Leanne: Running after 34 Bone Fractures

        Leanne was only 12 years old when during her middle school cross country practice, she fractured her right tibia, the shin bone in her leg. This wasn’t Leanne’s first time breaking a bone—it was actually her 34th fracture. After many years of being overlooked as "clumsy," Leanne felt immense relief and recognition when a doctor diagnosed her with brittle bone disease, an incredibly rare condition.

        Lurie Children’s provided a care plan for Leanne to build strength and start running again. And as of October 12th, Leanne ran her second Bank of America Chicago Marathon. She said in an interview, “I never thought I’d run again. But against the odds, here I am, training for my second Bank of America Chicago Marathon... all because of Lurie Children’s.”

        Leanne’s impressive journey is a testament to the incredible research of Lurie Children’s, where she gives back by volunteering at the hospital and running on its behalf. Talk about being a true inspiration.


        Meet Everett: Running to Inspire Through Art

        Everett is an artist who creates beautiful murals around the city of Chicago. He uses his art as a tool for storytelling for community and connection.

        In addition to being an artist, Everett is a runner. He ran the 2025 Bank of America Chicago Marathon on behalf of Peace Runners 773, a non-profit organization that strengthens the community of Chicago. In this video, we follow Everett on a run to visit some of his favorite murals. The run ends at Garfield Park, where Everett just finished a mural that he dedicated to the organization—symbolizing growth, strength and togetherness. Everett didn’t stop there.

        While building his strength as a runner, Everett is strengthening his city of Chicago. Through his running and artwork, Everett has brought more awareness and resources to his community.

        Meet Joseph: Running on Behalf of Special Olympics


        Joseph ran the Chicago Marathon on behalf of Special Olympics, dedicating each mile to one of 26 friends with a developmental disability. The last 1.2 miles were extra special. It was for one of his closest friends, Matt.

        In this video, Joseph runs to Matt’s house. For every mile of this training run, he tells us a heartwarming anecdote about Matt. They met at camp and soon, Matt will be a groomsman in Joseph’s wedding. The duo even sends a Christmas card every year—most notably dressing up as Buddy the Elf and sharing a bowl of spaghetti with maple syrup (spoiler: it doesn’t taste good).

        As Joseph runs, he says, “Before we get to Matt, a quick note about why I’m running on behalf of Special Olympics. Matt and I love sports. And so do many of my other friends. Donations help provide year-round sports training and competition for more than 20,000 people with intellectual disabilities across Illinois.”

        Joseph is the perfect example of inspiration. Not only did he run an entire marathon, but he also found inspiration in his friends who love sports as much as he does.


        Leanne, Everett and Joseph are three incredible people who have shown how much strength and perseverance it takes to run a marathon. Each runner is both empowering themselves and their community. Their dedication to the Bank of America Chicago Marathon shows that the people of Chicago have a passion for the city, their neighbors and their personal achievements.

        CommunitySponsoredJoy
        Culture

        Gen Xers share 17 nostalgic dishes they ate growing up—and still make for dinner

        From sloppy joes to pizza bread, these dishes still slap.

        gen x, generation x, gen x meal, gen x food, gen x family meals
        Image via Reddit

        A family enjoys dinner during the 1970s.

        Generation X (those born between 1965-1980) grew up eating classic Americana meals. During the 1970s, comfort meals like tuna casserole and salmon roquettes were popular meals.

        Gen X also grew up eating some pretty unhinged (but all the more yummy) sandwiches. These meals are steeped in childhood nostalgia.

        And to this day, Gen Xers are still fond of their favorite dishes they grew up eating. Together, they discussed on Reddit their most-loved home-cooked dishes that they still whip up, starting with sloppy joes.

        Here are 17 iconic Gen X comfort meals to keep in mind the next time you make dinner:


        @genx_shawn

        🤤😂 Top 10 Things ONLY GenX Knows the Taste Of... #genx #over50club #genxtiktok #over40 #genxcrew #generationx #genxers #genxtok #over40club #over50

        "Breakfast. We will have a 'breakfast for dinner' at least a couple times a month. Yum!" - fadeanddecayed, KddKc

        "Pizza bread! My mom would cut Italian bread into pieces, put butter and garlic salt on them, then pour some spaghetti sauce on them, cover with mozzarella cheese, and broil for like ten or fifteen minutes. Super easy and quick to make and so tasty. I'm sure my mom loved that I was so into something that took roughly zero effort for her to make." - hornybutired

        "Grilled cheese and soup." - reincarnateme

        "Meat loaf. I use 2 pounds ground beef, replace bread crumbs with minute rice, add 1 pkg beef soup flavoring, chop an entire onion for it, and mix BBQ sauce into mixture. Oh, important: do not overmix! Place all ingredients into bowl, then mix quickly 10 or 12 swirls of a large spoon. Grease loaf pan, carefully place mixture in, pat down & bake about an hour. (Extra info: for even better flavor, mix the night before, pat into loaf pan, cover with plastic, put into fridge overnight. Remove from fridge about an hour before baking. BE SURE TO REMOVE PLASTIC WRAP! [Esp. If in Pyrex glass loaf pan])" - jehardt, AbbyM1968

        "White guy tacos." - najing_ftw

        "Skillet dinner. Kielbasa, bell pepper, onion, spuds in a cast iron pan. One dish. Easy peasy." - UnimportantOutcome67

        - YouTube www.youtube.com

        "Chicken pot pie or chicken ala king." - sattersnaps

        "Fried catfish, greens, and red beans and rice." - User Unknown

        "Shepherds pie, technically cottage pie if it’s ground beef. Homemade enchiladas, usually made as a layered casserole instead because I don’t have time to roll them. Pork chops with mashed potatoes and veggies." - XerTrekker

        "Fried rice with chicken or pork leftovers." - AlternativeResort181

        "Hot hamburgers: hamburger patty open face on Texas toast thickness bread, cover with fries then cover that with brown gravy. Wife's variation is hamburger patty over rice with brown gravy." - EnricoMatassaEsq

        @past_archives

        American Gen X Foods That Kids Today Can’t Understand#nostalgia #childhoodmemories #backtochildhood #90s #2000s #usa #80s #90skids #80schildhood #capcutforus #capcut #capcutpioneer #America

        "Stuffed peppers. I make it much more easily by cooking it all in one large frying pan 'deconstructed'. Sauté onions garlic and ground beef, add cut up peppers, tomatoes or tomato sauce, sometimes a little spinach, then add separately cooked rice, salt and pepper and serve. It comes together pretty quickly and tastes just as good as stuffing and baking peppers in the oven." - Affectionate-Map2583

        "Macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs. Seriously, that’s what I ate tonight." - Dazzling-Walrus9673

        "Homemade Stroganoff casserole. Ridiculously easy to make. Ingredients:

        1.25-1.5 lbs. Ground Beef
        1 each of large white onion, green pepper, and red pepper
        1 can mushroom pieces, drained and rinsed
        12 oz. Bag of wide egg noodles
        1 can cream of mushroom soup
        16 oz. Sour cream
        Worcestershire Sauce
        Louisiana Hot Sauce
        White or Black Pepper
        Panko bread crumbs

        To Make: Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Worcestershire, hot sauce, garlic powder, and pepper are all to taste, depending on how much flavor and punch you want it to have. Cook noodles per instructions. Drain. Peel and slice onion (not diced), core and cut peppers into strips Brown meat, onions and peppers along with liberal amount of Worcestershire; garlic, pepper, and hot sauce. Add mushrooms. Cook until meat is fully brown, onions are translucent and peppers are tender. Drain. Combine drained meat, etc. with whole can of soup, half of the sour cream. Gradually add noodles into the mix. Add sour cream as needed to maintain consistency. Add Worcestershire, hot sauce, and pepper to taste. Dump into large, deep Corning dish or whatever. Cover too with bread crumbs. Cover and bake for forty minutes." - CynfullyDelicious

        From Your Site Articles
        gen x food
        CultureJoy
        Joy

        Six-year study that gave Gen Zers $400 revealed a simple path for long-term happiness

        In a world with so many self-help methods, this cut through the noise.

        happiness, happiness study, happy students, psychology, students in college, post-its, college students, Cornell
        via Canva/Photos

        A group of students working on a white board.

        Members of Gen Z (those who are 13 to 28) are going through an unprecedented mental health crisis. Forty-two percent of Gen Zers have been diagnosed with a mental health condition, with depression and anxiety leading the list. Over 70% feel stressed about work, money, or the future. And, as the most digitally connected generation, loneliness is at an all-time high.

        Many Gen Zers say that social media plays a significant role in their mental health problems, whether that’s being emotionally manipulated by big-tech algorithms or by feeling depressed after comparing themselves with their friends and influencers pretending they live a perfect life.

        This mental health crisis has created a world where self-help and therapy speak have become everyday jargon, and young people are an open audience to the world of self-help influencers, happiness hacks, and dopamine detox rituals. However, what if all of this could easily be solved by something relatively as simple as having a purpose in life?

        How does a sense of purpose lead to happiness?

        Cornell psychologist Anthony Burrow studied how his Gen Z students reacted to being given purpose and found that it drastically improved their happiness. The Contribution Project started in 2019 when Burrow gave students $400 “no strings” contributions to “pursue what matters most,” whether that meant helping themselves, their communities, or family members.

        Burrow and his team measured the Gen Zers who received the $400 versus those who didn’t, and shared their results with The Washington Post. Those who received the $400 were able to contribute, scoring much higher than those who did not on sense of belonging, latent well-being, sense of purpose, and feeling useful. These positive feelings lasted for up to eight weeks after they received the contribution.


        Over the past six years, more than 1,200 students have received the contributions, and the results strongly support the idea that having a sense of purpose is closely linked to happiness.

        “Invite people to think about a contribution they want to make and help them [to] make that contribution, and that person may walk around with greater purpose than if they hadn’t done that,” Burrow told The Washington Post.

        Burrow was also happy to find that 95% of the students used their contribution to benefit others.

        Gen Zers are having a hard time finding meaning in life

        It makes sense that having a sense of purpose could make a big difference in a young person’s life. Traditionally, college is when many people begin building an identity and a sense of purpose, but a recent study found that among young people, meaning is hard to come by.

        A recent study found that 58% of young adults said they experienced little to no purpose or meaning in their lives in the past month; half said that their mental health was negatively influenced by “not knowing what to do with my life.”

        This comes at a time when many institutions where people found purpose and meaning are on the decline. The same study found those who reported not having felt a sense of purpose or meaning were twice as likely to have mental health challenges, predominantly anxiety and depression.

        woman, distress, gen z, mental health challenges A young woman in distress. via Canva/Photos

        At a time when so many are struggling with a lack of meaning in their lives, it’s not too surprising that giving them a small sense of purpose did wonders for their mental health. Technology may have solved boredom and given people access to an incredible amount of information, art, and content. But it’s time to look a bit harder at what it doesn’t provide and see how we can bring a sense of purpose to people’s lives.

        From Your Site Articles
        happiness
        JoyCommunity
        Education

        Social skills expert shares 3 'magic phrases' that make you more likable

        Sometimes, we need to overcommunicate how we feel about others.

        vanessa van edwards, likability, communications skills, people skills, people laughing, good advice
        via Press Release and Canva/Photos

        Vanessa Van Edwards and people at a party.

        A familiar misstep people make when trying to be likable is trying to impress others. They want to show they are funny, intelligent, and a great storyteller. They think being the life of the party is the road to likability. However, study after study shows that it’s a lot easier to be likable. All you have to do is show interest in others. To put it simply: If you like people, you will become more likable.

        There’s a slight wrinkle in the notion that liking more people makes you more likable. Many people you like aren’t sure that you like them. The psychological phenomenon known as signal amplification bias says it best. We tend to overestimate how clearly we broadcast our feelings and intentions towards others. So, the person we like and who likes us may not know the feeling is mutual.

        “We think our signals are obvious,” Vanessa Van Edwards told Steve Bartlett on the Diary of a CEO podcast. “If we like someone or if we’re having a good time, we think, ‘Oh, they for sure know it.’ They don’t.” Van Edwards is a communications expert and the author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.

        To help people clearly communicate their feelings, Van Edwards suggests three “magic phrases” to show you care. Check out the video below.


        Phrase 1: ‘I was just thinking of you’

        “You think of a lot of people in your life all the time,” she said. “If you are thinking of someone and you can text them: ‘I was just thinking of you, how are you?’ I was just thinking of you, how’d that project go?’ was just thinking of you. It has been a while since we talked.’ You see a movie, you see a documentary, you see a matcha latte, you see a mug, you see a ceramic candle, and you’re like, ‘Ah, this made me think of you,’” Van Edwards said. “My text messages, my conversations, are full of actual moments where I was triggered to think of that person, actually,” she said, noting the importance of being genuine. “If you don’t think of someone, they’re not a person you need to have in your life.”


        Phrase 2: ‘You’re always so …’

        "So if you're with someone and you're impressed by them or they're interesting or they're funny, say, 'You always make me laugh. You’re always so interesting,’ or ‘You’re always so great in interviews.' Giving them a label that is a positive label is the best gift you can give someone, because it's fighting that signal amplification bias,” she continued.


        Phrase 3: ‘Last time we talked, you mentioned …’

        “We are so honored when we get brain space—that you remembered and you’re going to bring it up,” she said. “And you specifically bring up something that they lit up with, something they were like, ‘Ah, it was great, it was exciting, it was wonderful.’”


        If studies show the more you like other people, the more likable you become, Van Edwards has the next logical step in becoming more likable. She makes it clear that, due to signal amplification bias, many people you like may not even know it. When we employ her three ways to be more likeable, though, we can let people know we like them without making them feel uncomfortable, thus establishing bond to build on.

        From Your Site Articles
        communication tips
        EducationLearning
        Health

        Mastering the simple '90-10 rule' can make a hard life feel a lot more joyous

        You have more control over how you feel than you think.

        90-10 rule, happiness, life hacks, woman happy, woman angry, blonde woman
        via Canva/Photos

        A woman is both happy and angry.

        In the field of human psychology, there is a popular concept known as the illusion of control, which states that people believe they have greater control over the events in their lives than they do. If you think about it, a lot of our lives are controlled by chance, whether it's our genetics, the families we were born into, the time and place where we were born, and chance encounters that change the trajectory of our lives, such as the moment we met our spouse or someone with a job opportunity.

        People who have it good are more likely to attribute their good fortunes to their effort, while those who are having difficulty getting by are more likely to blame bad luck. No matter how we delude ourselves, one thing is certain: many situations we find ourselves in throughout life are out of our control, and our real power lies in our ability to react.

        Knowing how to react to situations beyond our control is the crux of the 90-10 rule.

        What is the 90-10 rule?

        The 90-10 rule, attributed to Stephen Covey in the bestseller “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” states that 10% of life is made up of what happens to you, and 90% is decided by how you react.

        People often explain the 90-10 rule by sharing a story of a mishap at breakfast.

        You are having breakfast in business attire, and your young daughter spills coffee on your shirt. You reprimand her and your spouse for putting the cup of coffee too close to the table's ledge. Your daughter gets upset and misses her school bus. So you have to drive her to school, and because you’re speeding, you get a $180 ticket. You arrive at work late, and the day spirals from there. When you get home from work, you have an annoyed wife and child.

        Why did you have a bad day?

        A) Did the coffee cause it?

        B) Did your daughter cause it?

        C) Did the policeman cause it?

        D) Did you cause it?

        The answer is "D".

        In an alternative universe, the coffee spills on your shirt, and you forgive your daughter. You change your shirt, your daughter makes the bus, and you get to work five minutes early. Now, instead of having a day that spiraled out of control, taking a moment to see the spilled coffee as an accident changed the entire day.

        What happens when people skillfully respond to events out of their control over a long period? Their lives will be completely different than if they chose to take things out of their control personally.

        Here are 3 ways to apply the 90-10 rule.

        The key is not to take minor inconveniences personally.

        1. If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water off a duck's back. You do not have to let the negative comments affect you.

        2. If someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t take it personally; who cares if you get to work 10 seconds later? There's no point in letting it ruin your day.

        3. If you get to the airport and find out your flight is delayed, don’t get mad at the person working at the ticket counter. It’s beyond their control. The plane will arrive at some point, whether you get worked up or not.

        airport, airplane, happy man airport, luggage, flights, A man walking through the airport.via Canva/Photos

        The 90-10 rule mirrors the "Let them" theory championed by Mel Robbins, a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, and former lawyer. The first thing is to acknowledge that others are imperfect and that you cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," Robbins said in a viral video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

        Remember, you can’t control everything, but you can choose how you react to minor annoyances. Choose to respond in a skillful, thoughtful manner without taking things seriously, and you can quickly get past the minor annoyances without causing the adverse ripple effect that can ruin your entire day.

        This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.



        From Your Site Articles
        psychology
        HealthMental Health
        Love Stories

        Couple shares the 7 unspoken rules of their marriage and 6 are totally worth stealing

        "A joke is only a joke if both of us are laughing."

        couple, marriage, food, sharing food, restaurant
        Photo credit: Canva

        Sharing is caring (at restaurants, anyway).

        When you decide to marry the person you're madly in love with, it's easy to assume things will just work out. But as we all know from the statistics, that's not really how lifelong commitment works. Relationships are wonderful when they're good, but good relationships rarely just happen on their own. It takes intention and communication and dedication on the part of both partners to have a happy, healthy marriage.

        What that looks like is different for every couple, of course, but it's always good to see specific examples of what helps a relationship thrive. Perhaps that's why a wife and husband's video sharing the "7 unspoken rules" of their marriage has nearly 1.5 million views in a week. Not only are Lila and Sean's rules rooted in solid relationship dynamics, but the way they deliver them makes it clear that they truly adore one another.

        @liliannawilde

        the 7 unspoken rules of our marriage! (except they are kind of spoken rules because we talk too much lol) @Sean Kolar #couple #couplestiktok #couplegoals #marriage #marriedlife

        Rule #1: You have to "riff the bit"

        Let's say your wife is making dinner and you walk into the kitchen. She says, "Hallo, my dahhling!" as if she's a character in Downton Abbey. What do you do?

        "If someone comes in and they're improving—they have a character, or they're talking in a British accent, you gotta go with the joke," says Lila. "It's an improv house. This is 'yes, and'…it's a 'yes, and' kind of environment here." Then she and Sean give a perfect, brief example as they both don a Barbara from "Coffee Talk" on SNL accent.

        coffee talk, barbara, snl, talk amongst yourselves, verklempt Barbara from "Coffee Talk" on SNL Giphy

        Why it's worth considering: This rule is all about playfulness and creativity and delighting in one another's silliness. It says, "I see your goofy and celebrate it." It also helps you both not take things too seriously.

        Rule #2: Grocery shop treat

        "Whoever does the grocery shopping has to pick up a sweet treat, a surprise, for the other person," says Sean. "Usually Lili will pick me up a kombucha or something, and I'll pick her up chocolate or flowers."

        gif, south park, chocolate, flowers, treats couple chocolate GIF by South Park Giphy

        Why it's worth considering: Assuming you're switching off the grocery shopping pretty evenly, this rule is a great opportunity to show thoughtfulness and consideration to your partner. Nothing major, just a little treat. The little things sometimes feel like big things over time.

        Rule #3: She gets the rewards

        Sean and Lili explain that Lili gets the free coffee on the punch card when they've reached 10 coffees and get the 11th one free. Any time there's a reward, she gets it. They do not explain this one, however…

        coffee, rewards, free coffee, free drink, loyalty card She always gets the rewards. Photo credit: Canva

        Why it's worth considering: There are two reasons why this rule makes sense. One, it eliminates deciding each time who gets the reward, thereby removing any possibility for bickering or competition. Sometimes a clear rule helps simplify things. Why her and not him? Well, there's plenty of research on the disproportionate burden women bear when it comes to household and family duties, even when a couple tries to even it out. A free coffee once in a while seems like a fair trade off.

        Rule #4: A joke is only a joke if we both find it funny

        "A joke is only a joke if both of us are laughing, says Sean."

        "If one of us is laughing and the other is embarrassed or scared or upset, then it's not a joke," adds Lili. "That can't continue. It's only funny if we both find it funny."

        joke, schitt's creek, funny, laughing, bad joke Joking Schitts Creek GIF by CBC Giphy

        Why it's worth considering: This is just a good life rule in general. Humor can be a great way to bond, and it can also be used to hurt someone. If only one of you is laughing, it's not funny.

        Rule #5: Share everything at a restaurant

        "Everything we order, we're splitting," Lili says. "There is nothing that is just yours or just mine." She says it would make her so sad if Sean said, "I don't want you to have a bite of this."

        couple, marriage, food, sharing food, restaurant You don't have to go to this length of sharing. Photo credit: Canva

        Why it's worth considering: First of all, having this understanding from the get go prevents a lot of annoyance over someone taking bites of your food. Some couples may actually set up an opposite rule—no sharing food at restaurants—and that might work for them, too. But sharing food as a matter of course lets you share the experience together, compare dishes, talk about the flavors, etc. Just make sure you're both cognizant of not hogging anything.

        Rule #6: If the dog is comfy on you, you don't have to do anything

        "You cannot disrupt the dog," says Lili. "If Beans is cozy, you win, you get to stay cozy with Beans." The other person has to do dishes, bring the person with the dog water, etc.

        dog, pets, cozy, couple, marriage Whoever has the dog on their lap must be served. Photo credit: Canva

        Why it's worth considering: First of all, this is the rule at most homes with pets that I know. Secondly, it's a sign that you're caring for something together and recognize that caregiving is an important role. Caregiving will be a big part of a lifelong relationship, from raising kids to taking care of aging parents.

        Rule #7: The money rule

        Lili pulls this from Barbara once again: "I've got two rules for this marriage. Number one, you don't tell me how you make your money. And number two, I don't tell you how I spend it."

        lifelong relationship, from raising kids to taking care of aging parents. Mike Myers playing Barbara on SNL Giphy

        Why it's worth considering: It's not. It's a joke. (According to Lili in the comments.)

        People loved seeing Lili and Sean's rules, calling them "wholesome" and "healthy." While it's not a great idea to have rigid or controlling rules in a relationship, rules that establish healthy boundaries, methods of communication, the way things are done in the household, etc. can actually be a big help to a couple. And while Lili and Sean's "rules" might seem silly on the surface, they're actually rooted in healthy relationship dynamics. As long as a couple comes up with them together, with both people in full agreement, it might be a good idea to create your own "rules" in you relationship. Lili and Sean clearly had fun with this together, and that alone is a promising indicator of a happy marriage.

        You can follow Lila and Sean for more on TikTok.

        From Your Site Articles
        relationships
        Love StoriesJoy
        Trending Stories