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101 ways to take care of yourself when the world feels overwhelming.

A therapist shares small ways to practice self-care.

I think that, for most of us, there are times in life when it all just feels like Too Much.

There may be some days, weeks, months, maybe even years when — for whatever reason — just getting through the day or going to work or putting one foot in front of the other feels hard. Really, really hard.

Photo via iStock.

Maybe it’s because you’re wrestling with anxiety, depression, or some other mental illness.

Maybe it’s because you’ve had your heart broken. Maybe you’ve gone through a physical or emotional trauma. Maybe you’re deeply grieving. Or maybe there’s no easily understood reason for why you’re feeling bad.

Whatever the case, I want you to know that it’s OK if you’re going through a tough time.

This doesn’t make you any less lovable, worthy, or capable. This just means you’re human. Being a human can be a messy, hard, confusing, painful experience sometimes.

So if you or someone you love is going through one of these tough times right now, a time where it all just feels like too much, I want to offer up 101 suggestions for self-care to help you or your loved one get through this time.

Photo via iStock.

1. Have a good, long, body-shaking cry.

2. Call a trusted friend or family member and talk it out.

3. Call in sick. Take comp time if you can. Take a mental health day.

4. Say no to extra obligations, chores, or anything that pulls on your precious self-care time.

5. Book a session (or more!) with your therapist.

6. Dial down your expectations of yourself at this time. When you’re going through life’s tough times, I invite you to soften your expectations of yourself and others.

7. Tuck yourself into bed early with a good book and clean sheets.

8. Watch a comforting/silly/funny/lighthearted TV show or movie. ("Parks and Recreation," anyone?)

9. Reread your favorite picture and chapter books from childhood.

10. Ask for some love and tenderness from your friends on social media. Let them comment on your post and remind you that you’re loved.

11. Look at some some really gorgeous pieces of art.

12. Watch YouTube videos of Ellen DeGeneres and the adorable kids she has on her show.

13. Look at faith-in-humanity-restoring lists from around the internet.

14. Ask for help. From whomever you need it — your boss, your doctor, your partner, your therapist, your mom. Let people know you need some help.

15. Wrap yourself up in a cozy fleece blanket and sip a cup of hot tea.

16. Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Four counts in. Six counts out.

17. Hydrate. Have you had enough water today?

18. Eat. Have you eaten something healthy and nourishing today?

19. Sleep. Have you slept seven to nine hours? Is it time for some rest?

20. Shower. Then dry your hair and put on clothes that make you feel good.

21. Go outside and be in the sunshine.

22. Move your body gently in ways that feel good. Maybe aim for 30 minutes. Or 10 minutes if 30 feels like too much.

23. Read a story (or stories) of people who overcame adversity or maybe dealt with mental illness, too. (I personally admire J.K. Rowling’s story.)

24. Go to a 12-step meeting. Or any group meeting where support is offered. Check out church listings, hospital listings, or school listings, for example.

25. If you suspect something may be physiologically off with you, go see your doctor and/or psychiatrist and talk to them. Medication might help you at this time, and professionals can assist you in assessing this.

26. Take a long, hot bath. Light a candle and pamper yourself.

27. Read inspirational quotes.

28. Cuddle someone or something. Your partner. A pillow. Your friend’s dog.

29. Read previous emails, postcards, letters, etc. from friends and family reminding you of happier times.

30. Knit. Sculpt. Bake. Engage your hands.

31. Exhaust yourself physically — running, yoga, swimming, whatever helps you feel fatigued.

32. Write it out. Go free-form in a journal or on a computer. Get it all out and vent.

33. Create a plan if you’re feeling overwhelmed. List out what you need to do next to tackle and address whatever you’re facing. Chunk it down into manageable and understandable pieces.

34. Remind yourself you only have to get through the next five minutes. Then the next five. And so on.

35. Take five minutes to meditate.

36. Write out a list of 25 reasons you’ll be OK.

37. Write out a list of 25 examples of things you’ve overcome or accomplished.

38. Write out a list of 25 reasons you’re a good, lovable person.

39. Write out a list of 25 things that make your life beautiful.

40. Sniff some scents that bring you joy or remind you of happier times.

41. Ask for support from friends and family via text if voice-to-voice contact feels like too much. Ask them to check in with you via text daily or weekly, whatever you need.

42. Lay down on the ground. Let the Earth or floor hold you. You don’t have to hold it all on your own.

43. Clean up a corner of a room of your house. Sometimes tidying up can help calm our minds.

44. Ask yourself: What’s my next most immediate priority? Do that that. Then ask the question again.

45. Read some poetry. Rumi, Hafiz, and Mary Oliver are all excellent.

46. Take a tech break. Delete or deactivate social media if it feels too triggering right now.

47. Or maybe get on tech. If you’ve been isolating, maybe interacting with friends and family online might feel good.

48. Go out in public and be around others. You don’t have to engage, but maybe sit in a coffee shop or on a bench at a museum and soak up the humanity around you.

49. Or if you’re feeling too saturated with contact, go home. Cancel plans and tend to the introverted parts of yourself.

50. Ask friends and family to remind you that things will be OK and that what you’re feeling is temporary.

51. Put up some Christmas lights in your bedroom. They often make things more magical.

52. Spend a little money and treat yourself to some self-care and comfort. Maybe take a taxi versus the bus. Buy your lunch instead of forcing yourself to pack it. Buy some flowers that delight you.

53. Make art. Scribble with crayons. Splash some watercolors. Paint a rock. Whatever. Just create something.

54. Go wander around outside in your neighborhood and take a look at all the lovely houses and the way people decorate their gardens. Delight in the diversity of design.

55. Go visit or volunteer at your local animal rescue. Pet some animals.

56. Look at photos of people you love. Set them as the wallpaper of your phone or laptop.

57. Create and listen to a playlist of songs that remind you of happier times.

58. Read some spiritual literature.

59. Scream, pound pillows, tear up paper, shake your body to move the energy out.

60. Eat your favorite, most comforting foods.

61. Watch old "Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood" videos online.

62. Turn off the lights, sit down, stare into space, and do absolutely nothing.

63. Pick one or two things that feel like progress and do them. Make your bed. Put away the dishes. Return an email.

64. Go to a church or spiritual community service. Sit among others and absorb any guidance or grace that feels good to you.

65. Allow yourself to fantasize about what you’re hoping or longing for. There are clues and energy in your reveries and daydreams that are worth paying attention to.

66. Watch autonomous sensory meridian response videos to help you calm down and fall asleep at night.

67. Listen to monks chanting, singing Tibetan bowls, or nature sounds to help soothe you.

68. Color in some coloring books.

69. Revisit an old hobby. Even if it feels a little forced, try your hand at things you used to enjoy and see what comes up for you.

70. Go to the ocean. Soak up the negative ions.

71. Go to the mountains. Absorb the strength and security of them.

72. Go to the forest. Drink in the shelter, life, and sacredness of the trees.

73. Put down the personal help books and pick up some good old-fashioned fiction.

74. Remember: Your only job right now is to put one foot in front of the other.

75. Allow and feel and express your feelings — all of them! — safely and appropriately. Seek out help if you need support in this.

76. Listen to sad songs or watch sad movies if you need a good cry. ("Steel Magnolias," anyone?)

77. Dance around wildly to your favorite, most cheesy songs from your high school years.

78. Put your hands in dirt. If you have a garden, go garden. If you have some indoor plants, tend to them. If you don’t have plants or a garden, go outside. Go to a local nursery and touch and smell all the gorgeous plants.

79. If you want to stay in bed all day watching Netflix, do it. Indulge.

80. Watch or listen to some comedy shows or goofy podcasts.

81. Look up examples of people who have gone through and made it through what you’re currently facing. Seek out models of inspiration.

82. Get expert help with whatever you need. Whether that’s through therapy, psychiatry, a lawyer, clergy, or something else, let those trained to support you do it.

83. Educate yourself about what you’re going through. Learn about what you’re facing, what you can expect to feel, and how you can support yourself in this place.

84. Establish a routine and stick to it. Routines can bring so much comfort and grounding in times of life that feel chaotic or out of control.

85. Do some hardcore nesting and make your home or bedroom as cozy and beautiful and comforting as possible.

86. Get up early and watch a sunrise.

87. Go outside, set up a chair, and watch the sunset.

88. Make your own list of self-soothing activities that engage all five of your senses.

89. Develop a supportive morning ritual for yourself.

90. Develop a relaxing evening ritual for yourself.

91. Join a support group for people who are going through what you’re going through. Check out the listings at local hospitals, libraries, churches, and universities to see what’s out there.

92. Volunteer at a local shelter or hospital or nursing home. Practice being of service to others who may also be going through a tough time.

93. Accompany a friend or family member to something. Even if it’s just keeping them company while they run errands, sometimes this kind of contact can feel like good self-care.

94. Take your dog for a walk. Or borrow a friend’s dog and take them for a walk.

This kangaroo dog loves walks.

95. Challenge your negative thinking.

96. Practice grounding, relaxation techniques.

97. Do something spontaneous. Walk or drive a different way to work. Order something new off the menu. Listen to a playlist of new songs.

98. Work with your doctor, naturopath, or nutritionist to develop a physical exercise plan and food plan that will be supportive to whatever you’re facing right now.

99. Pray. Meditate. Write a letter to God, the universe, the Source, your higher self — whatever you believe in.

100. As much as you can, try and trust the process.

101. Finally, remember, what you’re going through right now is temporary. It may not feel like that from inside the tough time you’re in, but this too shall pass and you will feel different again someday. If you can’t have faith in that, let me hold the hope for you.

This list is really just a starting point meant to catalyze your own thinking about how you can best take care of yourself during life’s tough times and to spark your curiosity and interest in strengthening your self-care now and ongoing.

It's not meant to be prescriptive nor do I mean to imply you need to do all or any of these things to take good care of yourself. You are the expert of your own experience, and I trust that you know what’s best for you.

Also, my hope is that in reading this, you’re hearing me say how normal and natural it is to struggle and to have these tough, hard times. It’s part of being human.

You’re not alone in this.

GIF via "Friends."


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Gen Z is the first generation less cognitively capable than their parents but Denmark has a solution

"Since the late 1800s, every generation has outperformed their parents."

Gen Z; Millennials; technology; cell phones; social media; teens and technology; teens social media
Photo credit: Canva

Gen Z is the first generation less cognitively capable than their parents. Denmark has the solution.

Nearly every parent hopes their child will be better off than they are: smarter, more secure, and more well-adjusted. Many parents see this as a stamp of successful parenting, but something has changed for children growing up today. While younger generations are known for their empathy, their cognitive capabilities seem to be lagging behind those of previous generations for the first time in history.

Dr. Jared Cooney Horvath, a teacher turned cognitive neuroscientist who focuses on human learning, appeared before Congress to discuss concerns about cognitive development in children. In his address to the members of Congress, he says, "A sad fact that our generation has to face is this: our kids are less cognitively capable than we were at their age. Since we've been standardizing and measuring cognitive development since the late 1800s, every generation has outperformed their parents, and that's exactly what we want. We want sharper kids."

kids, intelligence, sharp kids, generations, education, cognitive abilities Student smiling in a classroom, working on a laptop.Photo credit: Canva

Horvath explains that the reason this happens is that each generation has gone to school longer than the previous generation. Gen Z is no exception to the longer duration of time spent in school, but they're the first ones who aren't meeting this normal increase in cognitive development. According to the cognitive neuroscientist, the decline is due to the introduction of screens in the classroom, which started around 2010.

"Across 80 countries, as Jean was just saying, if you look at the data, once countries adopt digital technology widely in schools, performance goes down significantly. To the point where kids who use computers about five hours per day in school for learning purposes will score over two-thirds of a standard deviation less than kids who rarely or never touch tech at school," Horvath reveals.

In most cases, the decline in performance doesn't result in better strategies. The neuroscientist shares that the standardized testing has been adjusted to accommodate lower expectations and shorter attention spans. This is an approach that educators, scientists, and researchers went to Capitol Hill to express wasn't working. But not every country is taking the approach of lowering standards to meet lowered cognitive ability. Denmark went in the opposite direction when it realized their students were slipping behind.

France24 recently interviewed educators in Denmark following their seemingly novel approach to students struggling with cognitive development. Since the beginning of the 2025/2026 school year, Denmark has not only been having students turn in their cellphones, but they've also taken tablets, laptops, and computers out of the classroom. No more digital learning for the majority of the school day. Danes went old school by bringing back physical textbooks, workbooks, and writing assignments. The results have been undeniable. Even the students can't seem to deny the success of the countrywide shift in educational approach.

"I think the biggest issue has been that, because we kind of got rid of the books and started using screens instead, that we've noticed that a lot of the kids have trouble concentrating, so it's pretty easy to swipe with three fingers over to a different screen and have a video game going, for example, in class," Copenhagen English teacher, Islam Dijab tells France24.

Now, instead of computers being part of every lesson, Denmark uses computers very sparingly and with strict supervision. One student says that it has been nice not having screen time at school because she loves to read and write. But it wasn't just the lack of attention span children were developing, they were also developing low self-esteem and poor mental health due to the amount of time spent on devices.

kids, intelligence, sharp kids, generations, education, cognitive abilities Students focused and ready to learn in the classroom.Photo credit: Canva

The data showing the negative impact of screens on teens' brains has prompted a nationwide change in Denmark that extends outside of the classroom. Afterschool activities are eliminating or extremely limiting electronic use. There is also a national No Phone Day that encourages everyone to put away their devices for the day, and Imran Rashid, a physician and digital health expert, is petitioning parliament to ban social media use for children under the age of 15. The no phone movement in Denmark is a nationwide effort that hopes to right the ship before another generation feels the effects.

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Fortune 500 'whisperer' shares the 3 questions that will bring almost any argument to a positive end

Disrupt the conversation and get to a solution.

discussion tips, debate, arguments, communication tips, psychology
Photo credit: Canva

Get conversations focused on solutions.

It can be deeply frustrating when an argument, debate, complaint, or negotiation goes off the rails. The fallout can include hurt feelings, mental exhaustion, and even damaged relationships, whether the disagreement happens in a business meeting or around the kitchen table. But one CEO and corporate communication expert suggests three questions he says can help bring a positive conclusion to almost any argument.

Steven Gaffney has worked for more than 30 years as an advisor and communicator for Fortune 500 companies, helping leaders communicate plans and negotiate deals. He said that conversations inside and outside the boardroom can be disrupted and steered toward solutions when one person asks the other party three simple questions.

- YouTube youtu.be

1. What would you suggest?

Instead of trying to convince another person of your point, it may be more fruitful to give them the opportunity to suggest a solution to the shared problem or propose the plan they prefer. This can surface an option they already support, one the two of you can agree on or negotiate further. It can also redirect the conversation toward solution-finding, or help them realize they do not have a clear alternative and may be more open to yours.

2. What would it take for you to agree?

Gaffney said that when this question is asked enough times, the conversation naturally shifts toward finding a solution. It helps clarify what the other person wants, what concerns they have with a proposal, and what they ultimately want the outcome to look like. This provides direct insight into their priorities and allows those concerns to be addressed, which can reduce resistance by helping them feel heard.

3. Can you live with it?

There are times when one or neither person gets 100 percent of what they want. That is simply part of life. Asking this question aloud can surface minor hang-ups that may be blocking an agreement or compromise by encouraging self-reflection, both for the other party and for yourself. If you can "live with it," you have reached a point of agreement. If they can live with it, that is a success as well.

The worst case is that someone cannot live with it, and that is fine. If that happens, Gaffney recommends starting the questioning over with "What would you suggest?" to move past a stopping point in the conversation and explore what other options might be available to both of you.

@collegehumor

Seriously, why can’t we just say the number out loud? #parody #comedy #sketch #collegehumor #business

Professionals chime in

Communication professionals told Upworthy that they largely agree with the themes and intent behind Gaffney's three questions.

"Gaffney's three questions provide a framework that encourages contribution and ensures commitment," said Joel Simon, attorney at Simon Perdue Law Firm. "They create a structured path from uncertainty to clarity and action. I agree these questions work because they redirect dialogue from blame or debate toward collaboration and problem-solving. Each question encourages ownership, transparency, and commitment which aligns with negotiation principles I use daily, where resolving conflicts efficiently while preserving relationships is paramount."

However, while Gaffney has a proven track record and the intent behind his questions is sound, not all of his contemporaries agree that his style of questioning is one-size-fits-all. Jennifer Martin, a communications expert and business consultant with 25 years of experience, said that while she appreciates Gaffney's direct approach, it may not be effective for everyone.

"Just like the world is not filled with only tech gurus and accountants, as leaders we have to be prepared to style-flex and communicate in the language of creatives, salespeople, people pleasers, and the just-the-facts types among others," said Martin. "This is why personality tests are so popular in business."

Communication and workplace culture expert Dallin Cooper largely agreed with the broader intent of Gaffney's questions, saying they place people in an "outcome-focused mindset" that "creates introspection." That said, he also noted that the approach is not foolproof, particularly the final question.

"The key to de-escalating a conversation is to avoid defensiveness, and if you exasperatedly ask someone 'Can you just live with it?,' that often isn't going to end well," explained Cooper. "The delivery, the tone, and the wording of a question like that can make a huge difference in making it feel non-combative."

@kyleinspires

People who practice conversations predict social outcomes 44% more accurately #socialanxiety #introvert #communication #neuroscience #brain

Like Cooper, Martin was also concerned with how the questions are asked. She suggested that, depending on the other person's personality, communicators may need to tailor their message in a way the audience can best receive. Some people respond well to direct bluntness, while others may require more finesse.

Martin recommended approaching the other party with the intention of allowing them to express their point of view, while keeping the focus on understanding what they want in order to find a solution that fits.

"As all any of us really want is to be seen, heard, respected, and considered," she said.

"One thing these questions all have in common is that they are undeniably good questions to ask yourself," concluded Cooper. "They will help you understand why you're having the conversation, whether it's worth having, and keep you focused on a solution. All great things to ask yourself. And all good things to ask someone else if you ask them at the right time, and in the right way."

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Helicopters dump 6,000 logs into rivers in the Pacific Northwest, fixing a decades-old mistake

Forty years ago, restoration workers thought logs were the problem. They were wrong.

river restoration, washington, river fish, restoration, Yakama Nation, indigenous land, indigenoues tribes, salmon, trout, pacific northwest
Photo credit: Canva

Restoration workers now see how "critical" wood is to the natural habitat.

For decades, river restoration in the Northwestern United States followed a simple rule: if you saw logs in the water, take them out. Clean streams were seen as healthy streams, fast-moving water was seen as optimal, and wood was treated like a "barrier" to natural processes, particularly those of the local fish.

Now, helicopters are flying thousands of tree trunks back into rivers to undo that thinking.

In central Washington, one of the largest river restoration efforts ever attempted in the region is underway. More than 6,000 logs are being placed along roughly 38 kilometers, or 24 miles, of rivers and streams across the Yakama Reservation and surrounding ceded lands.

Nearly 40 years ago, Scott Nicolai was doing the opposite kind of work, all in the name of restoration.

"(Back then) the fish heads — what I call the fisheries folks — we stood on the banks, and we looked at the stream," Nicolai, a Yakama Nation habitat biologist, told Oregon Public Broadcasting. "If we saw a big log jam, we thought, 'Oh, that's a barrier to fish. We want the stream to flow.'"

river restoration, washington, river fish, restoration, Yakama Nation, indigenous land, indigenoues tribes, salmon, trout, pacific northwest Fish find shelter for spawning in the nooks and crannies of wood. Photo credit: Canva

At the time, logs were removed in an effort to simplify the habitat. However, it soon became clear that wood provided vital "complexity," creating sheltered pockets for salmon and bull trout to spawn and supporting algae that feed aquatic insects. Logs also slow water, spread it across floodplains, and allow it to soak into the groundwater. That water is then slowly released back into streams, helping keep them flowing and cooler during hot, dry periods.

The consequences of removing this "critical part of the system" (in addition to overgrazing, railroad construction, and splash dam logging) were made all too clear over the years as the rivers dried up and wildlife populations declined.

"We're trying to learn from our mistakes and find a better way to manage," said Phil Rigdon, director of the Yakama Nation Department of Natural Resources.

That's why Nicolai is now helping lead a project for the Yakama Nation aimed at rebuilding river complexity by returning logs to their rightful place. Many of these streams are now unreachable by road, which is why helicopters are used. Logs are flown from staging areas and carefully placed at precise drop locations marked with pink and blue flagging tape.

river restoration, washington, river fish, restoration, Yakama Nation, indigenous land, indigenoues tribes, salmon, trout, pacific northwest Many of these streams are now unreachable by road, which is why helicopters are used.Photo credit: Canva

The wood comes from forest-thinning projects led by The Nature Conservancy and includes species such as Douglas fir, grand fir, and cedar. Although some of the timber could have been sold, it is instead being used as river infrastructure.

For tribal leaders, the work carries even deeper meaning. During the helicopter flights, they gathered along the Little Naches River for a ceremony and prayer.

river restoration, washington, river fish, restoration, Yakama Nation, indigenous land, indigenoues tribes, salmon, trout, pacific northwest Tribal leaders gathered by the Little Naches River for a ceremony and prayer.Photo credit: Canva

"It was very simple: to bring what was rightfully part of this land back to us," said former tribal chairman Jerry Meninick.

The aftermath of the original restoration project illustrates how human concepts, such as the belief in the superiority of "cleanliness," can be limited and sometimes cause more harm than good. The miracle of nature, however, is that when left to her own devices, she can heal herself.

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Gen X women were asked how they reinvented their lives in middle age. Here are the 7 best responses.

"Never in my wildest punk rock dreams did I think this would be something I'd want, much less do."

Gen X, generation X, gen x women, fresh start, photography, dogs
Photo Credit: Canva

A woman takes a photo. A woman walks a dog.

It's never too late to start over, even as one enters their second and, dare we say, "third" acts of life. If something can be dreamed, it quite often can be achieved no matter how many obstacles and circumstances stand in the way. If nothing else, it certainly doesn't hurt to try.

A user on Threads named Kari Bliss (@kari.bliss) posted, "Please show me the Gen X women who hit their 40s and 50s and decided to re-invent everything. Bonus points if you have a dog, a career, a hobby you take too seriously, or opinions about wellness."

In just a couple of days, there were over a thousand likes on this post and nearly 700 comments. Gen X women were ready to share and many of their stories were beautifully hopeful. Of course, the idea of positive reinvention is unique for everyone, but just the mere fact that so many came forward to relay their inspiration was a win. So much so that the OP made a separate post to thank everyone. "The honesty, the pivots, the late starts, the second chapters… it was a gift to read. I’m really honored people showed up with their stories."

Gen X, Generation X, photography, art, fresh start, gen x women A black and white photo by Anna Mullins.Photo Credit: Anna Mullins Via Threads

Anna Mullins (@a_mullinsphotography) became a photographer. "Turned 55 and decided to fill my shoes with being a black and white photographer. A longing since I was a teenager. I’m 60 now and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. My work feeds my soul like nothing ever has. I’m working on a series called The Menopause Effect. Interviews and photography of Appalachian women who want to tell their stories. It’s been incredible."

Some people have used roaring into a new life to effect change in terms of volunteering. "Never in a million years did I think I would move to Ukraine at 50 to spend my spare time delivering trucks to front-line units. But here I am." ~ @wolfpartyofone

Hollie Rogain (@hrogin), along those lines, wanted to make a difference more locally. "Decided to run for local office in 2020. Became a mayor in 2022. Never in my wildest punk rock dreams did I think this would be something I’d want, much less do. Also, dogs."

mayor, Gen X, Generation X, fresh start, Hollie Rogin A Gen X woman becomes mayor of a town.Photo Credit: Threads, Hollie Rogin

Yet another, (@wren.artcher) on the older end of Gen X, seems to feel super seen by the question. "I think the algo (algorithm) called me to your post. Older Gen X-er here who some might say that I reinvented myself. I decided to change from a boy into a girl. That's pretty much changed everything. Oh... and I have a dog in my life. She's pretty awesome."

This Threader simply began appreciating themselves: "56th year just began… finally started living for myself unapologetically messy and magnificent. Terrified about the future but ready to conquer. Choosing myself with conviction."

One Gen X had a calling from the art world. Sandra Ebejer (@sandra_ebejer_author) writes, "I’m 50. Just started painting last year. On a whim, I submitted one of my paintings to an art gallery and last week I got to see it hanging on their walls. (No dog, but I do have a cat who follows me around like he’s a dog…)"

Gen X, Generation X, art, fresh start, art gallery, painting Sandra Ebejer's art hangs in a gallery.Photo Credit: Threads, Sandra Ebejer

Alison Corey (@fearlessforfiction) went from teaching kindergarten to writing novels, both extremely admirable careers. "Yep, that’s me! I’m 46. I was a kindergarten teacher for 15 years, then left my job after I started a blog. Now my blog is sold and I’m writing my first novel. Not sure where it’s all going to go but I get to write every day, and it’s such a joy! I love my pup, and taught myself to crochet this year."

And another (@devaney_camburn) is Madrid-bound! "I’m moving abroad in about 10 weeks. Sold my house and belongings and leaving my 20-year career. I’m anxious and scared and nervous and overwhelmed but I also know I got this."

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Behavior expert shares the one powerful habit that makes you more likable

You can subconsciously change how people feel about you.

woman talking, woman tells story, woman's group, coffee, conversation,
via Canva/Photos

A woman sharing a positive story with her group.

There are two statements kids often make that decades of scientific research suggest are actually true: "It takes one to know one" and "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." The big takeaway is that the things you say about other people are often seen as a reflection of you, too.

Dr. Shadé Zahrai—an award-winning leadership strategist, Harvard-trained coach, and member of the Forbes Coaches Council—explained the phenomenon in a viral TikTok post that focuses on how to be more likable and seen as a good person by others. Her lesson, however, is a double-edged sword.

@shadezahrai

This habit makes you more likable (and a better human). #psychology #socialpsychology #socialintelligence #conversations #emotionalintelligence #leadership

How to be more likable

"Ever notice how people who speak kindly about others seem naturally likable?" Zahrai asked in the video. "There is something called the social transference phenomenon, and it is pretty fascinating. Research shows that when you describe someone's traits, people who hear unconsciously associate those same traits with you."

(Note: Research dating back to 1998 refers to this phenomenon as Spontaneous Trait Transference, or STT.)

"So when you highlight someone's optimism or compliment their trustworthiness, you're not just uplifting them, you're building your own reputation as optimistic and trustworthy," she continued. "And if you gossip or speak badly about others, those listening can't help but link those same traits back to you. Your words shape how other people see you."

woman speaking, female storyteller, audience, coffee, public speaking, A woman sharing her ideas with friends.via Canva/Photos

If you're hearing about STT for the first time, you might cringe when thinking about past gossip sessions at work or over drinks with friends. But it's also an invitation to be more mindful of how you talk about others. When you voice negative opinions out loud, they can reflect back on you. Conversely, it's the perfect excuse to start looking for the good in others and bringing it up as much as possible.

What is Spontaneous Trait Transference?

Research suggests that the human brain associates a communicator with the traits they assign to others, whether those traits are positive or negative, such as brilliant, rude, selfish, thoughtful, or trustworthy. For example, if you tell a story about your friend Stacey being disrespectful to a waiter, listeners are likely to view Stacey as rude and also associate that same trait with you, even if they know you are not typically that kind of person.

In this way, the brain can be somewhat sloppy when assigning traits. As the listener processes the story, the idea of "rude" becomes top of mind and is quickly attached not only to Stacey, but also to you, simply because of your proximity.

woman, man, beer, story, connection, man woman talking A man and woman enjoying a pitcher of beer.via Canva/Photos

"The takeaway? Authentic compliments allow you to express admiration for others, with the positive traits you cite also being attributed to you," writes Wendy L. Patrick in Psychology Today. "The opposite, of course, is true as well."

The big lessons

Talking positively about people makes you seem positive. Talking negatively about people makes you seem negative.

Spontaneous Trait Transference is a reminder that the brain often makes hasty associations that are not always rooted in reason. The good news is that, when used to your advantage, it can be a win-win. You can focus on uplifting others rather than bringing them down, which will make you more likable, too.

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