empathy

To be an FBI hostage negotiator, you need an incredible amount of self-discipline and people skills. You have to find a way to build rapport with the kidnapper or terrorist to de-escalate the situation and make sure no one is hurt. Gaining their trust is extremely difficult because it's against human nature to be kind to a kidnapper. However, most of the time, it's necessary.

As part of his book EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, Justin Bariso, "The EQ Guy," spoke with former lead FBI hostage negotiator Christopher Voss, who shared the five-word phrase that helps him create an empathetic bond with a kidnapper or terrorist: “Empathy does not equal agreement.”

What Voss realized, through over 150 hostage negotiations, is that during the negotiation, the kidnappers are highly emotional, so reasoning is nearly impossible. “Each one of us, we make every single decision based on what we care about, and that makes decision-making, by definition, an emotional process,” Voss told Bariso.

What does 'empathy does not equal agreement' mean?

Recognizing that empathizing with someone doesn’t mean they agree with them, Voss used empathy to better understand the kidnappers’ motivations, state of mind, and reasoning. “The purpose of empathy isn’t to fold to someone’s views, but to understand where they’re coming from so you can create a better partnership,” Voss wrote on X. “It’s to humanize the deal. People want to work with those who understand them.”

Empathy is different from sympathy

Elizabeth A. Segal, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today that being empathetic is different than showing sympathy: "Just because we have empathic feelings does not mean we have to excuse behaviors or dismiss negative consequences for those behaviors. In fact, we can use our empathic insight to do two important things: hold people accountable and fashion appropriate responses."

This is precisely what Voss is doing by using empathetic insights to hold the kidnappers accountable for their actions.

When a hostage negotiator builds trust with the kidnapper, it opens the door to a successful negotiation. “Building influence with someone in crisis takes time. You have to show them you are listening, earn their trust, and guide them toward making their own decision. That’s not something that happens in minutes—it sometimes takes hours. If you try to push things too quickly, it can backfire,” Elizabeth Prillinger, hostage negotiator with the San Francisco Police Department, told Police1.

We can all use empathy to better understand those we disagree with, and doing so doesn't mean you've given in or changed your mind. When we use empathy to understand others, we gain insights into what motivates them and, by building their trust, we are more likely to change their minds.

As Bariso says in Inc., the fundamental shift that occurs when we accept that we can be empathetic toward those we disagree with is that the focus of the relationship shifts from your differences to your common ground. This now gives you a place to build on, whether you are in a heated negotiation with a terrorist or debating with a coworker over next year’s budget. You won’t be able to convince them to spend more money until you understand why they are adamant about reducing costs.