Hallmark Channel Christmas movies are proudly predictable, full of cliches, and bland as virgin eggnog. But people love ’em. I mean they really love them.
According to Crown Media, the parent of Hallmark and its sister network Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, an average of 3.5 million people tuned in to Hallmark’s “Countdown to Christmas” during its nine-week run in 2018.
Laugh all you want at the sappy films, but Hallmark doesn’t care. In 2018, it brought in $600 million in advertising revenue.
Hallmark has a formula and it’s sticking to it. Even it’s movie posters are formulaic, Dave Addyey created a montage of Hallmark Christmas movie posters, and their similarity is pretty hilarious. Each one features a white woman in red holding a Christmas ornament and a white man holding her wearing green. Both are bathed in beautiful, golden lighting.
Designer Jessica Jones has even made a bingo card so you can play along with all of the clichés throughout the holidays.
Canceled flight? Check.
Woman who quits a successful job for life in a small town? Check.
Scene where they decorate a Christmas tree? Check.
Child makes a wish? Check.
Gift wrapping scene? BINGO!
And of course, the movie has to have a female lead who was on the TV show, “Full House.” It just wouldn’t be a Hallmark Christmas movie without Candace Cameron Bure, Lori Laughlin, or Jodie Sweetin. But, of course, we’ll settle for other ’90s teen TV stars like Danica McKellar or Lacey Chabert.
Comedian Elizabeth Kemp had some fun with Hallmark Christmas movie cliches by creating a hilarious video where she plays the typical “big city girl who comes to a small town for Christmas” character.
But unfortunately, even though she puts herself in the position to find love it never happens. Hence the title, “Hallmark Movies Lied to Me.”
“I am over the age of 30. I have multiple graduate degrees, I’ve definitely prioritized my career. I’m single, but I have been in Vermont for five days now, and not once has anyone approached me about saving an inn or planning a fall festival or even just asked me to reconsider my priorities,” she says in the opening of the video.
Kemp then visits a Christmas tree farm and utters the phrases that should attract her some attention from the male protagonist. “I hate Christmas, I hate the fall. Nothing about the holidays appeals to me,” she says.
She even sets a trap for a paramour by grabbing a hot cup of coffee and posting up in a classic, small-town gazebo. But nothing happens.
Kemp goes so far as to take to the road and hope for a traffic incident. Narrowly missing a pedestrian with your car is a great way for couples to have a meet-cute in Hallmark films.
Sadly, Elizabeth didn’t meet the love of her life in a cozy, Christmassy, Hallmark fashion. But, the good news is, she didn’t accidentally wind up as the female lead in a Lifetime movie. Then she’d be in big trouble.
This article originally appeared on 12.16.20
