Over the last few years,
sustainability has become one of the biggest buzzwords in the fight against environmental problems like climate change, loss of biodiversity, ecosystem degradation, and pollution. But what does sustainability actually mean? And how do you make it part of your everyday life?
Broadly speaking, sustainability is the idea that we must meet our own needs
without compromising the ability of others to meet their needs, whether the “others” in question are future generations or people living in other parts of the world. But understanding the basic concept is one thing. Practicing it is quite another.
Every single day we make dozens of different choices that impact our planet. But understanding this impact is not easy. And when it comes to green living, there is a lot of conflicting information about what’s eco-friendly, what’s not, what’s fact, and what’s fiction.
But green sustainable living is possible. With a little guidance, we can all learn to make better choices for ourselves and the planet.
And that’s where the Sustainable Living Online Course from International Open Academy comes in.
Sustainable Living Online Course
When it comes to green living, there’s certainly no shortage of information available on the internet. The trouble is figuring out who knows what they are talking about and what information is legit.
If you’re tired of spending half of your research time trying to vet your sources and you just want straight answers to your questions about sustainable living, the Sustainable Living Online Course is for you. Sustainability experts designed this course to be the ultimate resource on sustainable living. As such, it covers everything you need to know to lead a renewable life that keeps you and the planet healthy.
Key topics covered in this online course include:
- how to make sustainable living easy
- how to look great without damaging the environment
- how to spot companies that aren’t eco-friendly
- how to save money and the planet at the same time
- how to find sustainable food that tastes great
- how to make simple swaps that make a big impact
Of course, the Sustainable Living Online Course won’t magically reduce your carbon footprint to zero. You’ll still have to put in the work and implement what you learn. But this course will give you the tools you need to be a better citizen and live a healthier, more natural life.
International Open Academy, or IOA, is one of the internet’s most trusted sources for online learning, with over a million students in 139 different countries. Whether you want to learn coding, interior design, or knitting, IOA’s accredited online courses make learning easy, fun, and affordable. No matter the subject, IOA courses focus on practical skills, with videos, texts, activities, and exams that students work through at their own pace.
Normally, the Sustainable Living Online Course costs $119. However, you can enroll through Groupon for just $17, which is a whopping 86 percent off the regular price.
If you’ve made it your goal to be more eco-friendly in 2023 but are unsure where to start, this deal on the Sustainable Living Online Course from International Open Academy is definitely for you. Click here to start your sustainable living journey today.
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Once a refugee seeking safety in the U.S., Anita Omary is using what she learned to help others thrive.
Even in divided times, small acts of friendship help create vibrant communities where everyone feels safe.
In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.
“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.
“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.
Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.
Understanding the journey
Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.
Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.
A warm welcome
Dee and Omary's son, Osman Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.
“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”
Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.
“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”
Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.
“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”
More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.
“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”
Extending the welcome
Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven. Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.
“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.
“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.
“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”
Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
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Body language expert explains how the winner of ‘The Traitors’ spotted liars and how to do it yourself
Learn how to “baseline” and see who is telling the truth.
In the latest season of the popular reality game show The Traitors, Rob Rausch emerged as the winner and the sole surviving Traitor. One reason he won was because he was able to see through the lies of his fellow competitors. A body language expert explained how Rausch was able to read people and win the entire cash prize.
Vanessa Van Edwards said that Rausch was able to discern who was lying to him and who was telling the truth while showing a clip from the show. In the Traitors clip, Rausch explained his strategy for trying to win the dagger prize through a game that required him to find who had it by asking questions.
What is baselining?
Rausch explained that he was able to be a “human lie detector.” He would ask questions that he already knew the answers to and monitor his competitors’ responses. He would then ask whether the person had the dagger, watching how they responded to determine whether they were lying. After observing competitor Natalie Anderson’s responses, Rausch concluded that she was lying and had the dagger.
On TikTok, Van Edwards explained that Rausch was using a technique called “baselining.” Baselining involves making mental notes of a person’s baseline behaviors when they are speaking comfortably and truthfully. If you notice a person displaying atypical behavior when answering a question, it could be a sign that they’re lying, uncomfortable, or conveying a specific nonverbal response.
For example, if a person who doesn’t normally touch others when speaking to them suddenly touches you, that could indicate extra interest. In contrast, if someone who is known for touching people while speaking to them doesn’t touch you, they could be hiding something. In the case of The Traitors, Van Edwards said Rausch interpreted Anderson’s lip purse in response to his question as an indication that she was lying.
How baselining can help day-to-day life
Being able to baseline a person’s behavior can be helpful both professionally and personally. Professionals consider it one of the cornerstones of negotiation in business because both sides of a deal are likely withholding information. Much like in a game of poker, business professionals aren’t showing their “full hand” and are looking for “tells” before contracts are signed.
In terms of home life, baselining a family member can be especially helpful when communicating with children. This isn’t in a business negotiation or interrogation sense, though. Noticing a loved one’s common behaviors when speaking and seeing aberrations could indicate that something is wrong. You could approach them privately to ask if anything is making them feel uncomfortable and offer help. This way, you’re spotting their lies not to confront them, but to let them know they’re seen and that you’re someone they can trust.
Whatever your reasoning, baselining is a useful skill for reading people. In Rausch’s case, it helped him win hundreds of thousands of dollars.
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The surprising best temperature for drinking water, according to experts
There’s not just one answer.
Here’s something we all know but rarely think about: 75% of the human body is made up of water. Essentially, we’re water balloons with legs, or whatever the heck Flubber was.
To maintain that internal reservoir, humans need to drink 15 cups of water (for men) and 11 cups of water (for women) daily. It doesn’t take a math whiz to realize that’s a lot of water. To put that into perspective, according to the Omni Calculator (a great online tool that determines a person’s total body water volume using a formula developed by Dr. P.E. Watson), beloved character actor Steve Buscemi is currently carrying around 83.74 pounds of water in his body, or approximately 10 gallons.
But what if you’ve been drinking water, that sweet elixir of life, all wrong? Or, at the very least, ineffectively? Just as every plant has its ideal growing conditions, according to doctors and medical professionals, the temperature of the water we drink matters a lot more than you might think.
Room-temperature, ice-cold and straight from the fridge, slightly warm for no reason at all: when it comes to drinking water, everyone has their own unique methods of getting the job done. But while we continue to chug our preferred water temperatures without question, we might be missing out on some serious health benefits—or even causing ourselves unnecessary discomfort.
Medical experts have discovered that water temperature, when used at the right time, can significantly improve your wellbeing, affecting everything from how we digest our food to how well we perform during workouts. All water hydrates, but the temperature at which you drink it can make all the difference.
Room-temperature water is your digestive system’s best friend
A woman drinking room-temperature water. Photo Credit:u00a0Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels When to drink
Good morning! Many dieticians and wellness experts recommend drinking room-temperature water (about 68°F) first thing in the morning to gently activate your gastrointestinal tract (It also promotes regular bowel movements, FYI). This gentle approach is often referred to as “Japanese water therapy,” and encourages sipping 4-5 glasses (about ¾-cup each) upon waking then waiting 45 minutes before breakfast. It’s also great for everyday hydration, since room-temperature water is often easier to gulp.
Why it works
“In Chinese medicine we advocate drinking warm water because of its effect on the digestive system,” Dr. Jill Blakeway, a licensed doctor of acupuncture and Chinese medicine, explains. “Drinking cold water can congeal the fats in food and because of that can make the digestive system sluggish.”
Your body absorbs room-temperature water more easily, causing minimal disruption to the digestive system, making it the go-to option for sensitive stomachs.
Ice-cold water is perfect for workouts and hot days
A glass of water with ice. Photo Credit:u00a0Cottonbro Studio/Pexels
When to drink
This one is for the athletes and fitness gurus: Cold water (around 41°F from the fridge or 60°F from the tap) is your new best friend. Like a refreshing summer breeze, cold water has a natural way of cooling the body down during or after an exercise. It also gives your metabolism a tiny boost: according to research, your body expends about five calories per ounce of ice while warming the water to body temperature.
Why it works
Studies show that drinking cold water triggers a special reflex that helps you to stop sweating sooner, effectively lowering your core temperature and enhancing overall performance.
“It turns out that sweating stops before fluid can completely be incorporated into the body,” says gastroenterologist Dr. Brian Weiner. “There’s some kind of reflex that acknowledges liquid intake, and studies have shown that it kicks in more at the cold tap water level.”
Hot water soothes what ails you
A woman drinks hot water. Photo Credit:u00a0Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
When to drink
Hot water (130-160°F) can be incredibly soothing when you’re under the weather. So, if you’re feeling congested or battling a sore throat, a nice mug of hot water might be just what the doctor ordered. A 2008 study found that hot drinks work like a natural remedy, providing quick, lasting relief from runny noses, coughing, sore throats, and fatigue.
Why it works
Like a warm summer rain, hot water creates steam that helps clear sinus congestion, while its pacifying warmth relaxes the gastrointestinal and digestive muscles. In fact, a small study showed that warm water worked wonders for patients recovering from surgery, improving their comfort and digestive health.
Warm or hot water can also literally melt away stress, as long as temperatures are kept comfortably warm: water above 160°F can scald your esophagus or damage your taste buds.
When to avoid certain water temperatures
This goes beyond personal preference. Photo Credit:u00a0Mauru00edcio Mascaro/Pexels
- Migraines. Do not drink cold water! Research from 2001 found that the refreshing drink can trigger—or even exacerbate—headaches in those who are already prone to them.
- Achalasia. If your esophagus is compromised, cold water can worsen symptoms. Try swapping in warm water instead, which can help soothe and relax the lower esophageal sphincter.
- Hot, sweaty days. Surprisingly, despite what old wives’ tales might say, warm water can actually make you feel less thirsty, which registered dietician Vanessa Rissetto warns “can be dangerous on days when your body is losing water through sweating to try to keep cool.”
We all know drinking water is important, but just as a garden thrives with the right care at the right time, you can optimize and customize that all-essential water you drink throughout the day. Whether that’s out of a Stanley tumbler, Owala water bottle, or Yeti flask, is up to you.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
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Social skills expert shares the ‘similarity-attraction effect’ that makes you instantly likable
“Get real on what you love, and then highlight that love in other people.”
There seem to be two different ways of thinking about who we are attracted to, whether it’s in a romantic or a social relationship. Is it that opposites attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? The evidence overwhelmingly shows that likability has much more to do with what we share with others than with the traits that set us apart.
In fact, a 2023 study from the University of Colorado Boulder found that historically, romantic couples tend to share between 82% and 89% of the same personality traits.
“Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said study author Tanya Horwitz, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and the Institute for Behavioral Genetics, in a press release.
Two friends who are similar. Photo credit: Canva Knowing that people tend to like those who are similar to them, you should focus on amplifying what you share in common when you meet someone new.
Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of The Science of People and author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, shared a three-step process to increase your likability that taps into a psychological phenomenon known as the “similarity-attraction effect.”
How to be more likable
“How can we use the similarity-attraction effect to be more likable? Easy. You want to highlight your similarities. Here’s how to do this in an authentic way,” Van Edwards says in her video before sharing her three-step process:
Step 1: Search for similarities
“When you first meet someone, you should constantly be on the lookout for similarities. Are you both drinking red wine? Do you both know the host from work? Do you both love Thai food? Orient your first few conversational topics to find mutual likes and dislikes.”
Step 2: Capitalize on similarities
“Once you find a similarity, don’t let it pass you by. For example, if they think cilantro tastes like soap—because it does—share in the grossness. Double down on that disgusting little herb by saying, ‘Oh yeah, cilantro is the silent food killer. I’m totally on the same page.’ I’m a big fan of the high five, too. If I hear someone also loves Seinfeld, I’m like, ‘High five.’”
Step 3: Extend similarities
“This means using the similarity as a conversational diving board. If you both love watching soccer, ask if they’ve ever played. If they’re big into hiking, ask for their favorite trail and maybe throw out an option to go hike together. This builds on the similarity-attraction effect and creates rapport.”
Two people hiking together. Photo credit: Canva It’s also important that when we meet people, we ask them about their likes and dislikes, because one of the quickest tricks to being likable when you meet someone new is to ask plenty of questions. Harvard University performed a study and found that after you ask someone the first question, ask two follow-ups, and they’ll be much more likely to like you. Studies show that the most likable people like others.
Now, for a tongue-twister takeaway from this likability story: We like people who are like us, and we also like people who like us. “So get real on what you love, and then highlight that love in other people,” Van Edwards says at the end of her video.
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Behavioral investigator shares 14 social skills that can help people struggling to make authentic connections
Vanessa Van Edwards explains how to avoid feeling socially awkward.
Building healthy relationships starts with having good social skills. Feeling confident jumping into casual conversations and small talk can take practice—especially for people dealing with social anxiety.
But mastering social skills at work and with friends can help you better engage with people and connect in an authentic way, avoiding feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness.
To help people struggling with their social skills, self-described “recovering awkward person” and behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards shared her best advice in a YouTube video. Van Edwards describes social skills as the “tools we use to communicate, relate, and build relationships.”
She explains the 14 different types of social skills to help people better understand where their strengths lie and how to capitalize on them to make interactions with others feel natural and effortless.
“I want you to think of social skills differently,” says Van Edwards. “Not all social skills are created equal. There are 14 different ways we can be likable, authentic, and charismatic.”
Skill #1: Linchpin
Van Edwards describes the Linchpin social skill as “the gatherer.”
“You are the social glue,” she says. “What’s really great about you is that typically you are a bridge.”
These are the characteristics of a Linchpin:
- I am the glue that holds my social group together.
- As a team member, I’m involved in lots of projects, bringing ideas and people together.
- I am the only person who talks to everyone in my family.
Skill #2: Conversationalist
Van Edwards describes the Conversationalist social skill as someone with the “gift of gab” who is good at small talk.
These are the characteristics of a Conversationalist:
- You have been told you are a great conversationalist.
- You are good at both leading and facilitating deep conversations.
- You speak articulately and can easily express yourself.
Skill #3: Comedian
Van Edwards notes that the Comedian is great at presenting, leading meetings, being a host, and “making people feel at ease.”
These are the characteristics of a Comedian:
- I am funny.
- I love to make people laugh.
- I can always see the bright side of any situation.
Skill #4: Speaker
“What we don’t realize is that we are speaking all the time,” says Van Edwards—from giving directions to telling a story.
These are the characteristics of a Speaker:
- I can captivate an audience.
- I love being on stage or leading a meeting (even on video!).
- I love writing speeches, giving toasts, and delivering presentations.
Skill #5: Influencer
Van Edwards says the Influencer social skill is especially helpful in business.
“You have no problem talking about who you are and what you do,” she says, adding that Influencers are good at expressing ideas and getting people to agree with them.
These are the characteristics of an Influencer:
- People typically listen to what I have to say.
- I can be very persuasive.
- I am good at pitching myself.
Skill #6: Listener
Van Edwards notes that this is the social skill she struggles with most, adding that she is highly “neurotic.”
“I’m always so worried there is going to be an awkward silence,” she says. “So the moment there is any kind of break, I try to hop in and make sure people are okay.”
To help with this, she took an eight-day “vow of silence,” which she says helped her become a better Listener.
These are the characteristics of a Listener:
- People always come to you to vent, complain, or talk about their problems.
- You tend to listen more than you talk.
- You are very good at being fully present with people and giving them your full attention.
Skill #7: Magnet
“Very few people have this social skill. They’re just attractors,” says Van Edwards. “The moment they walk into a room, people are just drawn to them.”
These are the characteristics of a Magnet:
- People usually like you.
- You are charismatic and authentic.
- People find you approachable and warm.
Skill #8: Storyteller
Van Edwards says that people who are good at storytelling can leverage this skill into toasts, presentations, and speeches.
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
- I always have a story to share.
- I save and remember good stories.
- People always ask me to give toasts or introduce people.
Skill #9: Nurturer
“When you are a Nurturer, you cannot help it,” says Van Edwards. “You want to nurture everyone and everything. You’re always worried about others more than yourself.”
She adds that the danger of this includes “having trouble saying no. You probably have trouble setting boundaries. And you might have difficult or toxic people in your life that you have trouble getting rid of.”
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
- You love taking care of people.
- You tend to be a people-pleaser and have trouble saying “no.”
- You are very empathetic and compassionate.
Skill #10: Decoder
“Decoders are sleuths,” says Van Edwards. “You’re super perceptive. You’re typically good at reading between the lines.”
These are the characteristics of a Decoder:
- I am very perceptive.
- I can usually tell what people are thinking and feeling.
- I am very good at decoding body language.
Skill #11: Leader
“Leaders typically are good at influencing, but they’re even better at seeing an entire team or family or group and taking the pulse of [it] and trying to guide to one direction,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Leader:
- I like to empower others.
- People often come to me for guidance.
- I am better at giving directions than following them.
Skill #12: Connector
“Connectors are good at knowing who should know who, and are very good at building a very robust network that you can rely on,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Connector:
- I spend a lot of time and effort networking with others.
- I am good at building relationships with influential people.
- I have developed a large network of colleagues and associates whom I can call on for support when I really need to get things done.
Skill #13: Dreambuilder
“Dreambuilders are often cheerleader types, so they’re really positive and really optimistic,” says Van Edwards. “You’re really good at encouraging and appreciating people.”
These are the characteristics of a Dreambuilder:
- You are great at solving people’s problems.
- You love to encourage people.
- You are known as a fixer.
Skill #14: Chameleon
“If you are a Chameleon, you are great at adapting yourself,” says Van Edwards. “You’re probably the person who has a little bit of everything [social skills].”
These are the characteristics of a Chameleon:
- You can get along with anyone.
- You are a floater socially or professionally.
- You have a variety of friends and interests.
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How to improve any speech with this 6-word framework by Stanford professor Matt Abrahams
Abrahams introduces the “Calm, Unlock, Redefine, Listen, Structure, and Focus” method.
Visualize this: your boss suddenly turns to you in a meeting and asks, “What do you think?” Your mind goes blank. You were paying attention, but being put on the spot feels intense. Your heart pounds. You try to respond, unsure of what to say, and then replay the moment in your mind for the next hour.
Situations like this happen to almost everyone. Matt Abrahams, who teaches organizational behavior at Stanford University’s Graduate School of Business, says that up to 85% of people feel nervous in high-stress communication moments. As he jokes, “Quite frankly, I think the other 15% are lying.”
Luckily, Abrahams has spent his career studying what happens in these high-pressure moments and, more importantly, how we can handle them well. He’s not only an academic; he also coaches some of the world’s top speakers, including executives, Nobel Prize presenters, and TED Talk headliners.
Let’s look at how this six-step system works in real situations.
Mindset: How to stop holding yourself back
The first four steps of Abrahams’ system are about what happens in your mind before you say anything.
Step 1: Calm–Tame your anxiety
Anxiety isn’t a personal weakness; it’s part of being human. Abrahams explains that our fear of speaking in front of others comes from evolution. It’s a reaction that started when our place in a group was important for survival. Knowing this may not stop your sweaty palms, but it can help you see the experience differently.
Breathing intentionally can help fight anxiety. Photo credit: Canva Still, anxiety feels very real. To help with it, Abrahams tackles both the symptoms and the causes. For the symptoms, he suggests deep belly breathing, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale. He calls this the “rule of lung.” For example, breathe in for three counts and out for six. Try this a few times before an important meeting or when you expect questions. The longer exhale helps your body relax.
Anxiety comes from worrying about what might happen. The best way to fight it is to stay present. Abrahams suggests using tongue twisters, counting backward from 100 by 17s, or greeting people before you speak. These tricks keep you focused on the moment, so there’s less room to worry about what could go wrong.
Step 2: Unlock–Aim for “good enough”
This part often surprises people. Abrahams tells his Stanford MBA students to “strive for mediocrity so that you can achieve greatness.” Most of them are shocked when they hear this.
His reason makes sense. When you try to speak perfectly, part of your mind is talking while another part is judging you. This inner critic uses up your mental energy. Abrahams borrows from improv and says to “dare to be dull.” Lowering the pressure helps you get unstuck. Once you start talking, your confidence and momentum grow.
Step 3: Redefine–See problems as opportunities
For most people, public speaking feels like a test you either pass or fail. Abrahams suggests a new way to look at it: “We have to see these situations as opportunities, not threats.”
Changing your mindset makes a big difference. A question from the audience becomes an occasion to connect. An unexpected follow-up in a meeting is an opportunity to show what you know. Abrahams also cites the “Yes, And” idea from improv, which means accepting what’s happening and building on it instead of fighting it.
Step 4: Listen–Pace, space, grace
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Abrahams uses a framework from his colleague, Collins Dobbs, called “pace, space, grace.”
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Photo credit: Canva Pace explains the benefits of holding back before answering. Most of us start thinking of our answer before the other person is done talking. Space is about giving yourself a moment, maybe by asking a clarifying question or repeating what you heard before you reply. Grace is about trusting your gut. Sometimes, people don’t need an answer—they need to be acknowledged, supported, or just have a different kind of conversation. Learning to detect this is a valuable skill.
Messaging: Deciding what to say and how to say it
Once you have the right mindset, the next two steps help you figure out what to say.
Step 5: Structure – Organize your thoughts on the fly
This is where Abrahams’ approach gets really useful. He believes that if you know the basic outline of your answer ahead of time, you can focus on incorporating details that matter to you.
To help you speak off the cuff, he suggests a simple three-part structure: “What? So what? Now what?” This method helps you organize your thoughts clearly, even when you’re caught off guard.
- First, state your main idea, position, or key information. (What?)
- Next, explain why it matters to your audience. (So what?)
- Finally, suggest what should happen next or what action to take. (Now what?)
This structure isn’t a script—it’s sort of like a recipe. You bring the ideas, and the framework helps you put them together.
Step 6: Focus – Get to the point
Be explicit and direct about your purpose. Abrahams shares his mother’s advice: “Tell me the time, don’t build me the clock.” In other words, when someone asks a question, they want the answer, not the whole backstory.
To stay on track, Abrahams suggests asking yourself before you speak: What do I want this person to understand? How do I want them to feel? What do I want them to do? This three-part goal—”know, feel, do”—helps you avoid rambling. When you have a clear goal, you get to the point faster.
How to actually get better at this
But Abrahams points out that frameworks alone aren’t enough. “The only way to get good at communication is the same way we get good at anything else,” he says. “Repetition, reflection, and feedback.”
Keep practicing—you will get better at public speaking. Photo credit: Canva This means practicing out loud, not just in your head. It also helps to record yourself and watch the video, since there’s often a difference between how we think we sound and how others see us. Ask for honest feedback, not just reassurance.
He recommends building a “communication pantry“—a set of stories, examples, and facts you can use when you need them. The more you have ready, the easier it is to respond on the spot.
Improving one discussion at a time
What’s great about Abrahams’ approach is that you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. Instead, use what you already have—your knowledge, experience, and real desire to connect—so you can rely on those strengths even when you’re under pressure.
Abrahams often says “connection over perfection,” which is a helpful signal of what really matters. The goal of speaking off the cuff isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present, helpful, and real. When you stop worrying about performing and focus on the person you’re talking to, you actually get better at it.
Start small. Before your next meeting, take three deep breaths. Pick a simple structure, like “what, so what, now what,” and give it a try. Notice what happens. Like any skill, you’ll get better with practice, one discussion at a time.
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15 hard truths that people swear made their lives so much better
You might be the bad guy in someone else’s story.
A significant part of adulthood is realizing that many uncomfortable truths are indeed real, even if we wish they weren’t. At first, these harsh truths may dampen our spirits and make us feel that the world is a bit colder. However, understanding some of life’s hard lessons opens us up to greater possibilities and can help us overcome the obstacles holding us back.
Harsh truths help us realize when relationships aren’t as great as they can be. They also prevent us from having too much faith in people and institutions that will ultimately disappoint us. Knowing dark truths can also help us appreciate the things that are truly beautiful, honest, and good. A Redditor named Rare_Can_5418 asked the AskReddit forum, “What difficult truths, the sooner you accept them, the better your life will be?” and received over 6,500 responses. Many of them were centered around harsh truths about relationships and the fact that even if we do our best in life, we can still end up with the short end of the stick.
The key is to keep going and never let failure get you down.
Here are 15 of the “difficult truths” that made people’s lives a lot better.
1. Stop comparing yourself
“There will always be someone better looking, better educated, younger, more experienced, more intelligent or wealthier than you. Do your best, live without regret, have empathy and kindness, give when you can, expecting nothing in return. Focus on your heart value more than what others have.”
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Research shows we have a tendency to compare ourselves to highly visible and highly skilled people, which makes us feel worse. We wonder why we can’t cook as well as our foodie friend or why we’re not as organized and put-together as our Type A neighbor. No wonder comparisons make us feel like crap!
Comparison is the thief of joy. Giphy 2. Some people won’t like you
“You can be sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree. But some people don’t like peaches.”
“In Spanish, there’s a saying: ‘Nadie es moneda de oro para que lo quiera todo el mundo,’ which translates to something like nobody is a gold coin to be liked/wanted by everyone else.”
Worrying too much about making everyone like you is a quick path to becoming a people pleaser, an impossible task that takes a serious toll on your mental health.
3. Things are just things
“They don’t have feelings. They don’t care if you give them away or sell them or throw them out. If a thing is useful, keep it. If not, get rid of it.”
Psychologists refer to perceiving that inanimate objects have feelings as anthropomorphizing. Psych Central says that humans project feelings onto objects to relate to them more deeply. “People generally anthropomorphize to make sense of events and behaviors they experience. Further, attributing emotions, attitudes, mental states, faces, and values to non-human things can help you feel connected to something,” Sarah Barkley writes in a PhD-reviewed article.
Things don’t care if you throw them away. Giphy
4. Not all friendships last
“Surprisingly though, the ones that last are not necessarily the best (or even good) ones.”
“Most friendships are based on convenience, I’ve found. Unless two people are willing to put in a lot of effort, time and distance will do more to end a friendship than any disagreement.”
It’s natural and OK to outgrow friendships. If you’ve put in a solid effort and it’s not working the way it used to, being comfortable with letting the relationship go will do wonders for your guilt and stress levels.
5. You may be the bad guy
“You can do your best with someone and still be the villain in their story.”
“One of my current favourite memes is: I don’t care if I’m the villain in your story, you’re the clown in mine.”
The truth is we’re all just people doing our best, even the people who have wronged you.
You might be the villain in someone’s story. Giphy
6. You can’t change people
“You can only help people who actually want it. If they’re not ready to change or put in the effort, there’s not much you can do. Realizing this can save you a lot of frustration and help you focus on people who actually appreciate your help.”
“It’s always tough having those friends who are constantly complaining but doing nothing to address what they are complaining about. But as an adult, you just have to sit there and listen. No point in offering help to someone who isn’t asking for it. Kinda like how it’s really tough to teach someone who isn’t interested in being taught.”
Expecting others to change is bound to lead to disappointment. There’s a saying that goes, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Hoping and wishing and working to make them somewhere else, more often than not, gets you nowhere.
7. How we judge ourselves and others
“We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions.”
“In psychology, this is called fundamental attribution error.”
The Fundamental Attribution Error is a psychological phenomenon where we assume someone’s actions reflect their personality without considering the situation. It’s like when we blame someone’s driving skills for being in an accident instead of the curvy road.
We judge others differently than how we judge ourselves. Giphy
8. Depending on people
“Once you’re an adult, there really isn’t anyone you can 100% depend on except yourself. There will still be people in your life to lean on, but everyone has their limits in how they can help you.”
Perhaps one of the harshest truths of all, but once you accept it, the path forward becomes extremely clear. It’s up to you to make everything happen, and there’s really no one else to blame if you don’t.
9. Nice doesn’t equal good
“Nice people aren’t always good people.”
“One of my bosses doesn’t greet/make small talk and is known for being quite firm. He’s been the most helpful throughout my most difficult period dealing with tragedy. Some people with that personality type simply get things done when you need them done without the chattering.”
Niceness can even be toxic when it’s not coming from a place of genuine authenticity. Sometimes hard conversations and conflict are necessary, and avoiding them is not healthy.
10. Everything is temporary
“You can suddenly lose anything and anyone at any time…and maybe all at once or in quick succession without so much warning.”
11. Nobody is thinking about you
“In general, people in the real world are oblivious to you. You’re not even a blip on their radar. If you’re insecure about something you wear or how you look, remember: nobody cares.”
Worried about something small like how the sleeves on your shirt fit you? It’s OK if you care, but no one else will. People are far too consumed with their own lives and problems to remember the minutiae of some stranger they saw in passing. Accepting this is incredibly freeing!
Nobody is paying attention to you (and that’s a good thing). Giphy
12. No one is coming to save you
“No one is coming to save you, so you have to do it all yourself.”
“And once you internalize this and do it, your self-esteem will be through the roof.”
13. Nobody knows what they’re doing
“Before i graduated high school I thought, thank god, I finally won’t have to deal with annoying obnoxious kids and I’ll be treated like an adult, I come to find out 95% of adults are worse then the actual kids, nobody knows what they’re actually doing and life is actually a big joke.”
This realization could help cure your Imposter Syndrome. Most people are just making it up as they go along and so you shouldn’t feel ashamed of doing the same.
14. Love is reciprocal
“If a romantic interest is not giving you the same attention/respect you give them, they don’t really care about or want you, and you’re in for a world of hurt if you keep telling yourself otherwise.”
We accept the love we think we deserve. Giphy
15. Who’s good for you?
“People who are good for you will make you feel happy, joyful, accepted, cared for, and filled with fun times, despite any differences. People who are not good for you will make you feel anxious, sad, down, slighted, judged, and never check in on you if you’re not okay, and won’t even bother noticing when you’re not okay. Genuine people will never let you suffer in silence or watch you suffer. Stay away from those who make you feel negative emotions and thoughts.”
These are called harsh or hard truths for a reason. It’s human nature to feel self-conscious, feel like an imposter, try to change people, or worry if other people like us. But the more of these you can free yourself from, the better you’ll feel.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
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The 13 signs that someone is ‘dangerously good’ at reading people
“You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share.”
Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people’s words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.
People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?
Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.
Unhappy child and parent. via Canva/Photos This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.
To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What’s a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.
Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.
1. You immediately overshare
“You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share.”
2. They’re hard to read
“They themselves are typically hard to read.”
“Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know.”
fan goat GIF by UCF Knights Giphy
3. They’re neutral observers
“Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better.”
“My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking.”
4. They had unpredictable parents
“Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse.”
“This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there’s a good chance bad things happen to me. It’s born out of necessity.”
5. They know you before you open your mouth
“They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding.”
6. They’re accurate
“When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate… like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different.”
Think Tap Tap GIF by DraftKings Giphy
7. They may sabotage themselves
“People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times.”
“OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I’ve ever seen…and she’s terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems.”
8. They understand receptivity
“Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others.”
Snow White Hello GIF by Disney Princess Giphy
9. They ask the right questions
“When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.
You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?
Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?
I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?
NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them.”
10. They don’t show it
“One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic.”
11. You don’t know them, but they know you
“You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface.”
12. They can make friends with anyone
“I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me ‘if I want you to be my friend, you will.’ I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone.”
“That’s kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type.”
Season 3 Friends GIF by Nanalan Giphy
13. You’re afraid to lie around them
“You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie.”
This article originally appeared last year.
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Dating coach shares blueprint for how to talk to strangers even when it feels impossible
Even introverts can benefit from pleasant, low-stakes chats.
Sometimes, it feels like everyone we cross paths with is in their own little world—always in a hurry, always glued to a device. It can feel almost impossible to strike up a conversation with a stranger, even if you have no ulterior motive (like flirting).
Conversational anxiety, or, more broadly, social anxiety, affects about 12-14% of adults and is far more common among young people. These disorders often involve negative thought patterns like “I’m bad at meeting people” or “People dislike chatting with me.” Those thoughts undoubtedly make it harder.
But even people without social anxiety may want to talk to strangers. They simply do not have a good strategy for doing so.
Dating coach Adele Bloch recently took to social media to share a tried-and-true blueprint for striking up harmless, low-stakes conversations with strangers. The key is choosing the where and the how.
Bloch helps her clients find love and relationships, but she also takes on the challenge of helping people connect platonically in a disconnected world. In a recent post on X, she lays out her roadmap for “the art of talking to strangers in public.”
Coffee shops are great places for casual chats. Photo credit: Canva For starters, Bloch explains, the where is critical. People usually aren’t in a chatting mood when they’re engaged in a task or on their way somewhere. That’s why talking to people at the gym can be tricky; you risk coming off as rude by interrupting someone in the middle of something.
“Do it in places where people generally linger,” she suggests. Places like standing in line at a coffee shop or after a group workout class, when people take a few minutes to gather their things before leaving.
The next piece is the tough one: what to say.
“My favorite intro lines are almost as though you’re letting them into your inner monologue,” she writes. Nothing too clever or scripted, less a conversation starter and more like thinking out loud in their general direction. She suggests asking them to help you make a decision on the menu, or even just making a casual observation. A non-physical compliment can work, too.
From there, you’re off and running, she says. In the full post, however, Bloch offers a few more tips on what to do next.
The post received over half a million views on X and thousands of likes and comments. Bloch had clearly struck a nerve around a common problem many people share.
Commenters had a lot of thoughts about what impromptu conversations with strangers have meant to them:
“The stakes are so low but the potential for spontaneous great conversation is so high! can’t think of many situations where i regretted taking the initiative”
“I started doing this, significantly helped me get out of my social isolation. Moved to a city and knew nobody Now I have events and hangouts to go to!!”
“Small spontaneous conversations are underrated because they slowly rebuild a sense of community we didn’t even realize we were missing”
“Context makes conversations easier. Slow spaces create openings. Curiosity beats rehearsed lines.”
Research is clear on the benefits of pleasant human interactions. Yes, even for introverts.“A growing body of research has found that talking with strangers can contribute to our well-being,” writes Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex.
Sandstrom references a study carried out on commuters in Chicago who were asked to talk to someone on their regular train ride. Overwhelmingly, participants who chatted with a stranger were in a better mood afterward. These small micro-connections make us happier and help us feel less alone. We also learn new things about the world by talking to unexpected people.
However, many people are naturally resistant to talking to folks they don’t know. Those same Chicago commuters, before the experiment, predicted they’d feel uncomfortable striking up conversations and would prefer to sit in silence.
Sandstrom writes that these barriers are driven by fear:
“There are endless things to worry about: What if I don’t like my conversation partner? More importantly, what if they don’t like me, or what if I’m bothering them? What if we run out of things to say? What if I want to end the conversation, but can’t figure out how to?”
Maybe not all, but most of these fears end up being unfounded. That’s the true beauty of Bloch’s viral post.
“You’ll start to realize that people are EXCITED to talk to you! Strangers aren’t as scary as they seem!” she writes. “And you’ll start living a life thats more open and fun!”
