The next time someone blames mass shootings on mental illness, send them this.

As thousands across the nation prepare to take to the streets on March 24, 2018, for The March for Our Lives, we’re taking a look at some of the root causes, long-lasting effects, and approaches to solving the gun violence epidemic in America. We’ll have a new installment every day this week. In the winter…

As thousands across the nation prepare to take to the streets on March 24, 2018, for The March for Our Lives, we’re taking a look at some of the root causes, long-lasting effects, and approaches to solving the gun violence epidemic in America. We’ll have a new installment every day this week.

In the winter of 2012, an undergraduate student who’d just taken my abnormal psychology course sent me an email.

The note was short, containing a link to an article about Adam Lanza (the Sandy Hook shooter) and two questions: Did mental illness drive him to do what he did? And if so, did that mean that what I’d told her in class, that the mentally ill were no more dangerous than the rest of the population, wasn’t true?


It’s a question I’ve heard with alarming frequency since.

By now, it’s like clockwork: A tragedy happens, thoughts and prayers are deployed, gun control is quickly shouted down (“No way to prevent this!” and “Now is not the time to speak about gun reform!”), and then top politicians — including the president — demand and vow to treat mental health as a top issue.

It all seems so intuitive. Because committing murder with an assault weapon isn’t something most people would do, mental illness must be the cause.

“So many signs that the Florida shooter was mentally disturbed, even expelled from school for bad and erratic behavior,” President Donald Trump tweeted shortly after the Parkland shooting in February.

But Trump offered no criteria for the shooter’s mental illness. Nor did he recognize that mental illness has never been one thing. And he ignored the painful reality that conflating mental illness with violence stigmatizes the millions of people worldwide who live with psychiatric disorders.

He wasn’t the only one: In a Washington Post poll conducted right after Parkland, 57% of responders cited “problems identifying and treating people with mental health problems” as the driving force behind mass shootings. “Inadequate gun laws” received only 28% of the vote.

Whenever mental illness is brought up, we act as if the conversation were over. It shouldn’t be.

As a country, we know very little about mental illness. In fact, a recent study out of Michigan State University found that under 50% of respondents could identify signs of anxiety, a condition experienced by fully 18% of American adults. And most people had no clue about how depression was treated.

This lack of knowledge keeps us scared. It turns every psychiatric condition into a boogeyman that’s lurking around the corner. And it makes those of us who live with mental illness hesitant to talk about our conditions openly to provide more knowledge.

That’s right: us. I don’t just teach and write about psychology; I’ve lived with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager.

And while I agree that mental health reform needs to take place, it’s not because people who live with the conditions I do — or a multitude of other conditions — are more dangerous to others. It’s because the system makes it so hard for so many to get help.

It’s because so many people (up to 47%, according to a 2013 survey) would feel uncomfortable living close to someone with a “serious” mental illness. Most of them don’t even know what a “serious” mental illness is.

The truth is that gun violence isn’t a result of mental illness. But mental illness is an easy scapegoat.

As the Kaiser Family Foundation noted in 2013, it is impossible to know what kind of backlash mass shootings like the one that occurred at Sandy Hook (and the ones that have since happened in Las Vegas, Orlando, and Parkland) create against innocent people.

The mentally ill are no more dangerous than the rest of the population.

I get it. There’s got to be a reason why bad people do awful things. We need something to grab onto in the wake of a tragedy. That’s why one of the first places our brains go is mental illness.  

The results of a 2006 survey indicated that 60% of Americans believed that those living with schizophrenia were more likely to commit violence. A worrying 32% thought the same of those living with depression. It’s why the news was so quick to seize upon the fact that Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock had been prescribed anti-anxiety medication, even though there’s no evidence that it made any contribution to his crimes.

The reality is much more complex. While it’s possible that those living with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder may be slightly more likely to engage in violent behavior (not necessarily with firearms), getting rid of these disorders would prevent a tiny slice of violence at best.

Dr. Jeffrey Swanson, a psychiatrist, professor, and researcher who studies the connection between mental illness and violence, told ProPublica that curing mental illness would only stem violence by 4%. “Most violence in society is caused by other things,” he said.

A 2001 study of adolescent mass murderers found that only 1 in 4 had any sort of psychiatric history. That’s a worrying number to be sure, but it was far outmatched by their seemingly “well” counterparts. And Michael Stone, a forensic psychiatrist who maintains a database of mass shooters through the years has found that out of 350 mass killers, 65% had no history of severe mental illness.

His conclusion? That it’s not the mental illness that’s the problem. It’s how much access the individual has to guns.

“In my large file of mass murders, if you look decade by decade, the numbers of victims are fairly small up until the 1960s,” Stone told The New York Times in 2017.  “That’s when the deaths start going way up. When the AK-47s and the Kalashnikovs and the Uzis — all these semiautomatic weapons, when they became so easily accessible.”

A 2015 article published by The American Psychiatric Association found that “mass shootings by people with serious mental illness represent less than 1% of all yearly gun-related homicides.” The authors concluded that mass shooters were “unlikely to have psychiatric histories” and that focusing only on the mentally ill when considering gun control would be ineffective, considering the small size of the group.

And a 2003 paper published in World Psychiatry notes that “mental disorders are neither necessary nor sufficient causes of violence. Major determinants of violence continue to be socio-demographic and economic factors.”

It’s a cold and inconvenient truth: Gun restrictions placed only on the mentally ill wouldn’t change gun violence as we know it. They may not even make a dent.

As the #NeverAgain movement has reminded us over and over: Gun reform on a large scale is the only way we’ll transform the problem.

Of course, more research would be great too. But a 1996 spending amendment prevents the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from using federal funds to conduct studies that would “advocate or promote gun control.”

There are many more people living with mental illness than you’d probably guess.

Think about how many people you know. Now consider how many of those people may be struggling with their mental health in some way.

You’re probably greatly underestimating that number. That’s not just because there is a wide range of psychiatric disorders; it’s because you can’t tell who is mentally ill just by looking at them (that’s just one of many myths) and because of the stigma those who live with these disorders face.

A 2003 survey conducted in England found that 60% of people believed only 10% of the population would be affected by mental health problems in their lifetime. But that’s simply not true. Depression, for instance, is now reported to be “the leading cause of disability worldwide” by the World Health Organization. It affects more than 300 million people on Earth. And the National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that 18.5 million adults (that’s 1 in 5) experience a mental disorder in any given year.

Do those numbers tell you something? They should.

Considering the disparity between the number of people who live with mental illness and the number of people who commit mass shootings, there’s no way that we can blame the majority of gun violence — or any violence — on this group of people.

Those who are mentally ill are actually more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. They’re also more likely to hurt themselves. As Bright Magazine notes, “mental illness plays a role in two-thirds of American gun deaths.”

But those deaths aren’t a result of mass shootings or homicide. They’re the result of people with mental illnesses dying by suicide.

And that’s why mental illness can’t be the scapegoat.

If we’re ever going to overhaul the mental health system, the first thing we need to do is create a climate where talking about mental illness isn’t stigmatizing. Trump was proof that such an environment doesn’t exist when he referred to the mentally ill as “sickos” while demanding we put more guns in schools:

It’s in our nature to try to remove uncertainty. That’s just the way humans work. And it’s especially true when we consider gun violence. In the wake of a mass tragedy, we need some reasoning to grasp onto. Something that can point to a cause.

But just as “mental illness” is too broad a label to put on the myriad conditions and syndromes of its sufferers, correlating mass shootings to it only serves to other the millions that live with mental illness daily, making them feel (and be treated as) less-than. It’s an incorrect conclusion drawn by oversimplification.

Here’s how I try to talk about mental illness in my lectures: There’s an insurance commercial I love (but can no longer find — that’s how it always seems to go, right?). In it, a good driver is celebrated by color commentators, who gleefully yell about the driver using signals and turning correctly.

The idea is that we often don’t reward people for their good behavior, that we only focus on the bad. It gives me a good feeling.

I mention this commercial because focusing on the bad is exactly what we do when we discuss mental illness. Where are the news stories that celebrate the ordinary people who are doing their best while living with anxiety and depression? The people who have stable lives because they’re treating their schizophrenia? Because they see a therapist? Considering the numbers, they absolutely exist.

But the only time we discuss mental health as a nation is in the wake of these tragedies, when baseless accusations trump facts. When it’s easy to point fingers.

And when “mental health reform” is used as a convenient way to sidestep the role that assault weapons play in mass shootings, we all suffer.

All of us deserve better than that. For more of our look at America’s gun violence epidemic, check out other stories in this series:

And see our coverage of to-the-heart speeches and outstanding protest signs from the March for Our Lives on March 24, 2018.

  • Grandma offers wake-up call for grandparents who can’t stop buying the grandkids presents
    Gift giving should feel good for the giver and the receiver. But around the holidays, it can be a major cause of stress. Photo credit: @morethangrand/TikTok
    , , ,

    Grandma offers wake-up call for grandparents who can’t stop buying the grandkids presents

    She’s got the perfect solution for what to do when you just can’t pass up a great deal at the store.

    Parents and grandparents find themselves at odds frequently. It could be a disagreement over how much screen time the kids get, battles over grandma giving them too many sweets, or arguments around how often grandma and grandpa should be babysitting. Conflict in their relationships is almost a given, and navigating disagreements in a healthy, productive way is key for the relationship to evolve and grow.

    One huge source of that conflict comes in the form of… stuff! All parents can relate to the sense of dread they feel at the sight of the grandparents arriving for a visit with a trunk-full of of presents. Toys, furniture, costumes, decor, you name it. And that’s just on a regular Tuesday. Around the holidays, it can get even worse. It’s not that they don’t want their kids getting gifts, it’s just all too much, especially when you live in a home with a finite amount of storage.

    DeeDee Moore, a grandma behind the website More Than Grand, recently shared on the her TikTok account that “too much stuff” given from grandparents to their grandkids is one of the main sources of holiday frustration for parents.


    gift guide for grandparents, christmas gifts, in law at christmas, grandparents, parents, kids, family, love
    Moore says experience gifts, and spending quality time, are better options than trunk-loads of presents. Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

    “75% of the parents that we surveyed wished grandparents would respect their wishes about gifts,” she explained, noting that while there are myriad reasons why this would be the case, the most common one (and incidentally the one most “waved off” by the grandparents) is the lack of physical space to accommodate.

    Now, you might be thinking: How much harm can it really do to give a kid a new card game or a baby doll? Certainly those don’t take up that much room. But when Moore breaks down the math, it’s a bit hard to deny.

    “Say your grandson has four other grandparents and four aunts and uncles. Each of these people get him one gift for a second birthday. That’s already nine gifts plus something for mom and dad. We’re up to 10,” she said.

    “If all of those grandparents buy him three things, and two of the aunts get him a little extra something, that’s 22 presents for a 2 year old who would be just as happy with a box.”

    Add in gifts from friends, and random gift-dumps from grandma when she’s been on a hot-streak at the thrift store, and you’ve got a serious storage problem on your hands.

    @morethangrand

    Gifts should be a joy for both the giver and recipient, but at this time of year, they can end up being a source of conflict. Watch for a tip on how to channel your grandparent generosity! For more ways to navigate hotspots during upcoming holidays, make sure you are on our email list! Go to my bio to sign up! #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandma#newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting

    ♬ original sound – MoreThanGrand

    Yikes, gotta admit that’s a lot. And that’s not counting the additional problems too much gift-giving can incite listed on the More Than Grand website, which included:

    • Undermining the parent’s values that they are trying to instill to their children
    • Damaging a child’s ability to use their imagination
    • Normalizing overconsumption
    • Teaching children to associate seeing grandma or grandpa with getting a gift, rather than focusing on the actual relationship
    (Here’s another one: Too many gifts steals Mom and Dad’s thunder! Parents often put a lot of thought into picking out presents they know their kids will love, only for them to get buried in the avalanche of surprise presents.)

    These are all good points, and yet, what to do with all those good intentions and a desire to spoil some precious little nugget? Luckily, Moore has the perfect fix.

    “While your grandchildren are faced with getting too many gifts, many children are in the opposite situation. Take some of the things you bought to Toys for Tots or another organization that provides gifts for less fortunate families.”

    This allows folks to step into the “true spirit of giving,” Moore concluded.

    Viewers by and large seemed to agree, though many also noted how powerful experiential or future-building gifts could be, even if they’re not as cute as toys or as fun to open.


    @morethangrand

    How often do we hear “it takes a village to raise a child’? Grandparents can be that village, but it can be hard to show up the way today’s parents need. We created a digital grandparenting course that will teach you everything you need to know to be the village for your grandchild’s parents. It’s called New Grandparent Essentials, and you can find a link in my profile! It’s the best investment you can make in your family as you become a grandparent! #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting

    ♬ original sound – MoreThanGrand

    “My in-laws opened up a college fund for both my kids. Instead of stuff they put more money in the account. I’m so grateful!” one person wrote.

    Another added, “I am giving experiences and putting money in an account for future needs (college, 1st house, starting business, etc).”

    In the vein, here are two other tips grandparents can use for intentional gift-giving…

    First and foremost: open up a discussion with the parents. See if they need help with a big ticket item, find out which hobby or sport the child is interested in, ask what’s a definite “no.” this can save a lot of headaches for everyone.

    “The gifts should surprise the grandkids, not their parents,” as one commenter wrote on the video.

    Second: prioritize memories over stuff. A trip to the zoo, an education membership, a ticket for two to the movies…these are often the gifts that truly keep on giving.

    And grandparents, don’t forget: just because you’re honoring boundaries, it doesn’t mean you have to pass up that sweet little something you see in the aisles. After all, shopping is fun, and it’s even better when you find a great deal or a cool discovery. But it can easily go to a little one who could really use it.

    For even more tip on all things grandparenting, give More Than Grand a follow here.

    This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

  • ‘Millennial Parenting Whisperer’ shares the most important moment to have with your child
    A mom talking to her son and Dr. Becky Kennedy.Photo credit: Canva and Business Wire

    Parents spend 18 years raising their children (and sometimes more), so it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment that matters most in their upbringing. Is it helping them with homework when they’re struggling? Inspiring them to get back up after failure? Or is it the example you set when interacting with loved ones?

    According to Dr. Becky Kennedy, dubbed the “Millennial Parenting Whisperer,” the most important moment comes after you’ve messed up as a parent.

    Kennedy, known online as “Dr. Becky,” is a clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Good Inside, a parent-coaching platform designed to “help you solve current challenges and get ahead of future ones.”

    dr. becky, dr. rebecca kennedy, world economic forum, psychology, families
    Dr. Becky Kennedy. Photo credit: World Economic Forum/Flickr

    On a recent episode of What Now? With Trevor Noah, Dr. Becky shared why repairing relationships is the most important thing a parent can do. Even though she is one of America’s most popular family psychologists, she often falls short of perfection and loses her cool, just like any parent. But these moments of imperfection matter because they allow her to grow with her child—and that’s invaluable.

    “I mean it with such honesty that my kids don’t have some Dr. Becky person as a mom,” she said. “I also mean equally that I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. I mean, we learn the most in our relationships when people take responsibility for their behavior, when people repair. I wouldn’t want to deprive my kids of that opportunity, and that’s such [an important] part of healthy relationships.”

    Why repair is so important in relationships

    “After all, there’s almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that can have as much impact as repair,” Dr. Becky said in a 2023 TED Talk. “Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection. Taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another. And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down, ‘Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?’ A good repair opens one up.”

    Dr. Becky shares how to repair a relationship with a child

    “I often think about three elements: name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently the next time. It could come together like this:

    ‘Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary. And it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.’

    A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.”

    Dr. Becky’s advice should be uplifting to parents everywhere because no one is perfect—not even Dr. Becky—and we will all lose our cool at times. But when it happens, it gives us the opportunity to teach our kids the most important interpersonal skill: how to repair a relationship that has ruptured.

    When we learn how to repair our relationships, we can ensure they won’t fail at the first sign of trouble. Instead, stronger relationships have the potential to stand the test of time.

  • 5 ‘core’ childhood memories your kid will cherish forever, according to a psychologist
    A psychologist breaks down the 5 types of core memories your kid will cherish foreverPhoto credit: Canva

    There’s a popular trend where parents often share they are creating “core memories” for their children on social media posts, whether it’s planning an elaborate vacation or creating an extra-special holiday moment. While it’s important for parents to want their kids to have happy childhoods, sometimes it feels presumptuous when they believe they can manufacture a core memory. Especially when a child’s inner world is so different than an adult’s.

    The concept of “core memories” was made mainstream in 2015 thanks to Disney’s Inside Out. In it, “core memories” are born from moments and experiences that majorly shape a part of the main character, Riley’s, personality. The experience(s) can be grand or benign; the point is these moments are ultimately forming Riley into the person she is. Seems pretty hard to manufacture such a moment, but parents are certainly trying.

    core memories, creating core memories, parenting, kids, psychologist, child psychology, psychologist
    A media4.giphy.com

    Carol Kim, a mother of three and licensed Marriage and family Therapist, known as Parenting.Resilience on Instagram, recently shared the “5 Things Kids Will Remember from Their Childhood” on her page. The fascinating insight is that none of the entries had to do with extravagant vacations, over-the-top birthday parties, or Christmas gifts that kids could only dream about.

    According to Kim, the five things that kids will remember all revolve around their parents’ presence and support. “Notice how creating good memories doesn’t require expensive toys or lavish family trips. Your presence is the most valuable present you can give to your child,” Kim wrote in the post’s caption.

     

    1. Quality time together

    “Taking some time to focus only on your child is very special. Playing games, reading books, or just talking can create strong, happy memories. These moments show your child that you are present with them.”

    2. Words of encouragement

    “Encouraging words can greatly impact your child during both good times and tough times. Kids often seek approval from their parents and your positive words can be a strong motivator and source of comfort…. It can help kids believe in themselves, giving them the confidence to take on new challenges and keep going when things get tough.”

    3. Family traditions

    “It creates a feeling of stability and togetherness … Family traditions make children feel like they belong and are part of a larger story, deepening their sense of security and understanding of family identity and values.”

     

    core memories, creating core memories, parenting, kids, psychologist, child psychology, psychologist
    Even the simplest tradition speaks volumes. Photo credit: Canva

    4. Acts of kindness

    “Seeing and doing kind things leaves a strong impression on children. It shows them the importance of being kind and caring. They remember how good it feels to help others and to see their parents helping too.”

    5. Comfort during tough times

    “Knowing they can rely on you during tough times makes them feel secure and build trust. … Comforting them when they’re struggling shows them they are loved no matter what, helping them feel emotionally secure and strong.”

    Kim’s strategies are all beautiful ways to be present in our children’s lives and to communicate our support. However, these seemingly simple behaviors can be challenging for some parents who are dealing with issues stemming from their pasts.

    “If you find barriers to providing these things, it’s important to reflect on why,” Kim writes in the post. “There could be several reasons, such as parenting in isolation (we’re not meant to parent alone), feeling overstimulated, dealing with past trauma, or struggling with mental health. Recognizing these challenges is the first step to addressing them and finding support.”

    This article originally appeared last year.

  • Georgia police department shared a  warning about kids bringing adult drinks to school. Only problem is it wasn’t real.
    A lunch box with a Cutwater can inside.Photo credit: Apple Photos Clean Up

    It’s getting harder to distinguish adult drinks from kids’ drinks these days. In recent years, adult beverage makers have created new versions of traditionally “soft“ drinks and made them “hard,” whether it’s seltzer, kombucha, soda, lemonade, or juice boxes. So, it’s easy to be fooled when reaching into the back of the fridge for a kids’ drink and finding a Cutwater 11% ABV Lemon Drop Martini instead.

    Recently, the South Fulton Police Department in Georgia shared a post about a Cutwater Lemon Drop Martini can in a lunch box. For the uninitiated, Cutwater drinks have double, and sometimes triple, the alcohol content of the average can of beer. With sweet flavors like Tiki Rum Mai Tai, Strawberry Margarita, and Rum Mojito, some mistake them for kids’ drinks.

    To call attention to the problem, the South Fulton Police Department posted a pretty hilarious warning on Facebook, urging parents to watch what their kids bring to school:

    “Say Twin…🧃

    Before you send them babies off to school…
    🗣️CHECK. THE. LUNCHBOX.

    That is NOT Capri Sun.
    That is NOT Apple Juice.
    That is a whole ‘Parent had a long night’ starter pack.

    Now little Johnny done pulled up to 3rd period talking about: ‘Who want fruit snacks?’ knowing good and well he got a Lemon Drop Martini in the zipper pocket.

    🗣️ TIGHTEN UP TWIN!

    We know mornings can be hectic…
    But your child shouldn’t be the only one in the cafeteria with a beverage that requires an ID.

    Quick Parent Checklist:
    • Homework ✅
    • Lunch packed ✅
    • Alcoholic beverages ❌❌❌

    If it says 12% ABV… it does NOT belong next to a PB&J.

    Check the lunchbox before the school resource officers gotta do inventory at recess.”

    ‘Say Twin’ has become a local catchphrase

    The department’s use of “Say Twin” in its messaging has been a hit with locals. “‘Hey twin!’ It’s a term of endearment that’s here that has just taken off, especially in Atlanta,” South Fulton Mayor Carmalitha Gumbs told Atlanta News First. “It’s bringing light to real issues that we’re facing in our community. We’re meeting residents where they are, so they can actually get it.”

    The police department clarifies “confusion” around the story

    After the story went viral, media outlets began poking around and asking South Fulton schools about the incident to find out where it happened. However, it didn’t. After the initial post, the South Fulton Police Department admitted the story wasn’t true.

    It posted a clarification in the comments:

    “Important: This did NOT happen in the City of South Fulton or in Fulton County Schools.

    We’re sharing this because media outlets have started contacting local schools asking where it happened, and we don’t want any confusion in our community.

    The real takeaway here is awareness. Across the country, there’s growing concern about alcoholic drinks being packaged to look like non-alcoholic ones and even being placed near them in stores, which can lead to honest mix-ups.

    Friendly reminder to:

    • Double-check lunchboxes and backpacks
    • Keep alcohol stored safely and out of reach
    • Talk with kids about only drinking what a trusted adult gives them

      We appreciate y’all helping us spread awareness and keep our community safe 💙

    Was the update a clever backtrack after getting caught creating a fake story? Or was the original post a playful way to educate parents about a real problem the department never expected to be taken seriously? That’s for the people of South Fulton to decide.

    The post inspired some hilarious comments

    Even though the story was later proven false, the comments on the post are still pretty hilarious.

    “Idk about y’all, but those 12% ABV be hitting pretty hard with that Smuckers Uncrustable on a hot summer’s day on the lake,” one person wrote.

    “That kid was trying to get a little turnt at school today,” another added.

    Some folks in the comments thought the drink may have been for the kid’s teacher. One joked, “… it was really sent for the teacher as a peace offering.”

    Kids mistaking adult beverages for soft drinks is a real problem

    A teacher in the San Antonio, Texas, area made a big mistake last summer, proving South Fulton’s warning wasn’t entirely unwarranted. The educator accidentally handed out Hard Mountain Dew drinks to students on the last day of seventh grade. One child went to the hospital after ingesting a Hard Mountain Dew Baja Blast Pineapple. The student drank nearly half a can and felt disoriented while at school.

    “He says it tasted a little different,” Aaron Corso, the boy’s father, shared with KENS 5 News. “But he didn’t think too much of it. Because he doesn’t drink too much soda. He hardly drinks soda at all.” 

    This story from Texas and the warning out of Georgia are reminders to parents everywhere to be mindful of where they store alcoholic beverages, especially those that resemble soft drinks.

  • Hero Mom repeatedly runs into burning house to save her 6 kids from devastating fire
    A person looks on as a fire consumes a housePhoto credit: Canva

    On the morning of September 3, 2019, Emma Schols woke up in her home in Edsbyn, Sweden, to the sound of her two youngest sons calling out. The television room downstairs was on fire.

    What happened in the next few minutes is almost impossible to read without holding your breath.

    Emma sprinted downstairs barefoot and found her boys trapped in the playroom, surrounded by flames. She threw herself over them, took the fire on her own back, and shoved them out the front door. Then she locked it behind her from the inside, so they couldn’t follow her back in, per Goalcast.

    motherhood, survival, courage, house fire, human resilience
    A house burning down. Photo credit: Canva

    She had four more children upstairs.

    The staircase was already burning. With every step she climbed, the heat was eating through her feet. “For each step I thought that ‘this is not possible,’” she later recalled, “but then I thought that it must go for four of my children who are still up there. It was so hot that the soles of the feet start to drop from the feet. They just hang like threads.”

    Upstairs, her 9-year-old daughter Nellie had already jumped from the balcony to get help. Her 11-year-old son William had found a ladder and was helping his siblings down. Emma fought through the smoke to reach the last room, where she found her baby daughter Mollie standing in her crib, terrified and crying. Emma had assumed Mollie might not still be alive. “I was so terribly tired but could see through the smoke how Mollie stood there in her crib and cried and was terrified,” she said, per Bright Vibes. “Then I suddenly got such an enormous force and managed to get to my feet and lift her up.”

    All six children got out without serious injury. Emma did not.

    By the time she collapsed outside, burns covered 93% of her body. Doctors put her on a ventilator, where she remained for three weeks, hovering between life and death. Medical staff noted that it is uncommon for people to survive even 90% burns. She endured more than 20 surgeries and months of rehabilitation. When she finally came out of unconsciousness, her first words were not about her own pain or her skin or the surgeries ahead. She asked: “Are my children alive?”

    According to EuroWeekly News, when asked later why she kept going back in, she didn’t describe it as heroism. “If I gave birth to six children,” she told reporters, “I will get all six out.”

    Recovery was long and uneven in ways that went beyond the physical. After six weeks in hospital, the children came to visit. Her youngest, Mollie, didn’t recognize her. “She did not want to come to me,” Emma said. “Which I can understand with all appliances and hoses. I looked completely different.” That moment, she has said, was one of the hardest parts of the entire ordeal.

    In December 2020, Sweden honored her at the Svenska Hjältar Gala, a nationally televised awards ceremony, where she was named Lifesaver of the Year. Her eldest son William addressed the audience and moved the room to tears: “Sometimes I think I will never see Mum again. But now we see Mum almost every day and that makes me happy.”

    Six years on, Emma is living back in Edsbyn in a rebuilt home with her family. She has written a memoir about the fire and its aftermath, titled “I Carry My Scars with Pride” (published in Swedish in 2022 with journalist Frida Funemyr), and has taken up marathon running. She has spoken publicly about her recovery to help others who face severe trauma, and her message has stayed consistent throughout. “I feel an enormous gratitude for every day we get to be together as a family,” she told the Svenska Hjältar audience.

    The scars are visible. So is everything else.

    This article originally appeared last year.

  • 9 dads took a ‘cute’ hair braiding class. They left with stronger connections to their daughters.
    A father braids his daughter's hair. Photo credit: Canva

    About a decade ago, the first classes for dads who wanted to learn to braid their daughters’ hair began to pop up in the mainstream. Traditionally, in many households, moms have been the default hair-doers. After all, they’re the experts with a lifetime of experience styling and braiding their own hair or practicing on their friends.

    But this setup was problematic for a few reasons. For starters, as the modern generation of dads began wanting to get more hands-on with childcare responsibilities, many of them found they were hopelessly lost when it came to the morning hair routine. Classes began to pop up all over the country offering practical training for dads who wanted to learn the basic rope braid or French braid.

    Over the years, these courses have only grown more popular. Now, the movement is about so much more than the physical task of styling hair, or even rebelling against old-fashioned, restrictive ideas of masculinity.

    One group of dads recently experienced this firsthand after attending a “Pints and Ponytails” event.

    dads, fathers, fatherhood, parenting, girls, daughters, dads and daughters, hair, hairstyles
    More and more dads have been learning to braid hair over the last decade or so. Photo credit: Canva

    Mathew Carter and Lawrence Price, who run the popular podcast Secret Life of Dads, set up the event with instructors from Braid Maidens. They filled out the guest list with their network of fellow dads and supplied beers and mannequins for all.

    The guys had a terrific time. They quickly mastered the practical skills they needed to dive headfirst into the morning and nighttime routines with their daughters. In an Instagram post sharing the experience, Carter and Price wrote that in the course of just a few hours they went from “barely being able to do a ponytail to [perfecting] the Elsa by the end of the class.”

    Elsa, of Frozen fame, is legendary for her signature Dutch braid that many little girls want to emulate.

    After the dads went home and began implementing their newfound skills, they realized that the event was so much more than a “cute” dismissal of old-fashioned masculinity.

    For starters, dads getting involved in doing girls’ hair takes an enormous load off mom’s shoulders. In households with multiple girls, a mom can spend hours getting everyone’s hair just so. Often, kids demand specific styles, but moms also know that sending their girls off to school with messy bedhead will (unfairly) reflect poorly on them socially. There’s a lot of pressure tied to this daily task. Having a tag-team partner to pitch in is incredibly valuable.

    One attendee wrote that it was “wonderful to meet so many fellow girl dads who wanted to share more of the unpaid emotional labour at home.”

    Even more importantly, the dads say that after the event, doing their daughters’ hair revealed incredible moments they never even knew they were missing out on.

    “What’s going on in that room is something much deeper,” Carter and Price wrote in a follow-up post over footage of the men practicing on mannequins. “Learning to braid my daughter’s hair changed what is often seen as just a task … into a moment of connection. That’s when she gets to tell me about her day. That’s when she shares with me things that are happening in her life. And it’s a time that happens at the beginning of each day that I just get to be with her and listen and ask questions and connect. And that has opened the aperture of love between me and my daughter.”

    Even modern, hands-on, engaged, and well-meaning fathers sometimes have difficulty connecting with their daughters as they get older.

    There are many reasons for this phenomenon. It’s well-studied and was recently documented in The Atlantic article, “The Father-Daughter Divide.”

    Meanwhile, Kimberley Benton of Oak City Psychology wrote, “Many men have difficulty connecting with their children on an emotional level because their dads didn’t know how. It’s no ones fault, we just aren’t very good at teaching men about connecting with others.”

    Providing, supporting, and being physically present in our kids’ lives is only part of the equation. Being emotionally present requires carving out quiet one-on-one time where discussion can flow freely and honestly. Kids need to feel they have the time and space to open up—something that only gets more difficult for them as they become teenagers.

    Many dads never realize that those crucial minutes spent sitting together and styling hair are the perfect opportunity to connect. If you can get good enough to make your daughter look just like Elsa, that’s gravy.

  • Mom braced herself for daughter’s teenage years, but  wasn’t ready for these 5 beautiful moments
    A mother with her teenage daughter. Photo credit: Canva

    Many parents are taught or conditioned to fear their children’s teenage years. It’s the season of life when your sweet angel turns into a moody rebel with an attitude problem, or so say the parents who came before us and lived to tell the tale.

    Mom Jacqueline Skirvin was no different. For years, she had taken pride in having a close, loving, healthy relationship with her daughter, Preslea. But other parents in her orbit kept warning her that would all change. “Just wait,” they would say.

    In a recent Instagram post, Skirvin shared the hard-fought results of all that waiting. She revealed five things that truly surprised her when those teenage years finally came:

    “I waited for attitude. Instead, I get car rides where she tells me everything.”

    “I waited for walls. Instead, I get to know her best friend’s life almost as well as I know hers.”

    “I waited for distance. Instead, I’m the first person she facetimes when something really good happens.”

    “I waited for rebellion. Instead, I get to watch her fall too hard, too fast… and hold her when it doesn’t last.”

    “I waited for drama. Instead, I became the call when the group chat turns mean and she needs to feel safe.”

    “It’s not perfect,” Skirvin admits in the caption of her post, but those bright slivers of connection let her know she still has a good relationship with her daughter through all the ups and downs.

    The post struck a huge chord with fellow parents of teenagers

    Some found hope in Skirvin’s optimistic message, while others lamented that they hadn’t been so lucky in their own families. In the end, the discussion was full of terrific advice.

    Several commenters were thrilled to help bust the myth that parenting a teenager inherently has to be a nightmare:

    “My DREAM. My daughter is so cool I can’t wait to know her at every stage of her life.”

    “Teenagers aren’t hard to love at all, if you give them the foundations they need to fly. They’re actually very cool people”

    Others were convinced that dreading teenagehood has become a self-fulfilling prophecy:

    “We need MOREEEE of this energy for us girl moms!!! I have two daughters who are toddlers right now, and I am constantly told how horrible they will be as teenagers. It’s makes me so sad.”

    Some cautioned that, yes, being the parent of a teenager can be beautiful, but we shouldn’t gloss over the hard parts:

    “My eldest is 15 and youngest 13. I [get] this too BUT im also the one who gets the sharp edge of her tongue initially when shes overwhelmed and cant manage her emotions, I get the look before I get the hugs and details… I get both sides whilst she figures out her head and her heart. on balance im honoured to be trusted with both sides, the good, the bad and the ugly as I am the safety net where love without boundaries exist”

    moms, motherhood, parenting, teenagers, family, kids, teens, parents
    Raising a teenager has its ups and downs. Photo credit: Canva

    To the parents in the comments struggling through a difficult relationship with their teens, the overwhelming response was, poetically, “Just wait.”

    “She will come around. She will have to grow up first but in time. It is so hard.”

    “I’m 32 and a mom of 2 and I have never been closer to my Mom. There is still time”

    Experts admit that living with teenagers can be a humongous challenge

    But they say a few things that can help are drawing strong boundaries about how you’ll be treated (not tolerating disrespect, insults, etc.) and giving your child plenty of space to work through their complex emotional responses and develop their own identity, which often involves at least a small amount of healthy rebellion.

    The key to Skirvin’s story is not that she forced connection and closeness with her teenage daughter, but rather that she stayed present enough to capture those opportunities when they presented themselves at unexpected times. For Skirvin, “waiting” for the teenage years to come was extremely good practice that served her well for the challenge ahead.

  • Boomer grandma challenges family norms by asking why she has to do the traveling for visits
    An older woman holding a suitcase.Photo credit: via Canva/Photos
    ,

    Boomer grandma challenges family norms by asking why she has to do the traveling for visits

    “Should grandmas be the ones on the road, or should families pick everything up and drive to her?”

    When the holidays roll around, it’s time for families to decide where they will meet to celebrate. For the most part, parents with younger kids dread packing their bags and traveling to a family member’s house where things aren’t set up for young children. You fumble around setting up the pack ‘n plays, can’t find your bottle brush, and freak out because the electrical sockets aren’t child-proof.

    However, many grandparents aren’t keen on enduring the mental and physical strain of traveling at an older age. So, who’s right? Grandma Jan, founder of Grandma Camp and a TikTok influencer who shares fun ideas for grandparents and grandkids, argued that parents should pack up their kids and visit Grandma.

    @grandmacampplanner

    Is it Grandma’s job to travel to the kids, or should the family come to her? 👀 Let’s hear it—#GrandmaCamp #FamilyDebate #momsoftiktok #GrandmaLife #HolidayTravel

    ♬ original sound – GrandmaCamp™ 💜by Grandma Jan™

    “Okay, so, here’s the debate: families say, ‘Grandma, why don’t you come visit us?’ But let’s be honest, Grandma’s house is where the traditions are, the cookies are, and all of the toys are,” Grandma Jan begins. “But if grandma is driving, flying, hauling all the gifts, and packing up her car to come see you, maybe it’s time to flip the script. When did it become normal for Grandma to pack up all her stuff and come see you? Should the kids pile into the car, bring all their toys, and just go visit grandma? Bring all that love and chaos to her?”

    So she asked her followers: “Should grandmas be the one on the road or should families pick everything up and drive to her?” Just about everyone in the comments said that grandparents should have to travel to see their grandchildren.

    “Nope. I want Christmas morning in pajamas with my family. I want my traditions. My parents and in-laws (the grandparents) got all of this how they wanted. It’s my turn now,” Maggie wrote. “Gramma is retired and now has a shit ton of time. Kids and parents have a very finite amount of time off in the holidays that they do not want to spend on the road,” Mrs. Wright added.

    Some grandparents also checked in to disagree with Grandma Jan. “Why would I put that on my kids and grandkids? It’s so hard traveling with kids, not to mention expensive to fly for more than one person,” Populustultus wrote. “What a weird way to think about that. Why wouldn’t you help your kids create magic in their home? Signed a grandma,” LifestylebyKat added.

    @grandmacampplanner

    Disclaimer: My last post was meant to spark conversation, not advice. It came from what I witnessed as an OT — older grandmas struggling to travel alone. Every family is different ❤️ #GrandmaCampByGrandmaJan #FamilyDecisions #GrandmaLife #OTperspective #momsoftiktok

    ♬ original sound – GrandmaCamp™ 💜by Grandma Jan™

    The response inspired Grandma Jan to release a follow-up video clarifying her opinion. She admits she came up with the idea after seeing older people having a hard time getting through the airport. “[I saw] older grandparents struggling their way through airports carrying their own heavy bags while managing a walker or a plane or a wheelchair, struggling through all on their own with no one to assist,” Grandma Jan said. “And as an occupational therapist, that actually broke my heart. For younger, healthier grandparents, travel can be fun, but for the older generation, it can be quite a struggle.”

    Ultimately, Grandma Jan didn’t intend to put anyone out; she just wanted to have a conversation about what’s best for families as a whole. “And Grandma Camp by Grandma Jan is about having those conversations, not making rules. And at the end of the day, it’s about connection, not distance,” she concluded her video.

    This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

Parenting

‘Millennial Parenting Whisperer’ shares the most important moment to have with your child

Life Hacks

Timeboxing: The science-backed productivity method that can double your output

Pop Culture

In 1973, the Bee Gees sang an unplugged medley tribute to the Beatles. It’s gorgeous.

Family

5 ‘core’ childhood memories your kid will cherish forever, according to a psychologist