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wellness

Self-care is not what we've be taught one therapist explains

Self-care. It's something that has been co-opted by wellness influencers and gurus that somehow (and all-too-often) involves spending money on something luxurious. Self-care is often branded as things like pedicures, vacations, and hour-long massages at the spa, but according to Dr. Raquel Martin, we've been doing self-care all wrong.

In July 2024, Martin—a licensed psychologist—uploaded a video to her Instagram explaining what self-care is truly supposed to be. Spoiler alert? It's not meant to be indulgent. At least, indulgence shouldn't be an all-the-time expectation of self-care. Martin acknowledges that the wellness industry has monetized and conflated self-care with self-indulgence, and she explains that having self-care propped up as something that is indulgent isolates people who cannot afford those types of activities.

The psychological toll for conflating self-care with self-indulgence can get dangerously high. In the 2020 Psychology Today article, "Why Does Self-Care Sometimes Feel So Hard?", author and licensed psychologist Alicia H. Clark Psy.D notes that "indulgence stops being self-care when you feel guilty or unhappy with yourself, and this threshold is different for everyone." She goes on to say that "one person's self-caring indulgence can be another's gateway to self-harm, depending on your relationship with the activity, your capacity for moderation, and the reality of its consequences." This makes wellness influencers who tout a heavily indulgent, "treat yo' self" ideology of self-care all the more dangerous. Self-care is not one size fits all, and for those who struggle with self-discipline and moderation, the mindset can do more harm than good.

self-care, indulgence, moderation, treats, discipline Parks And Recreation Treat Yo Self GIFGiphy

So, what is self-care actually? How is it achieved? And is it always supposed to feel good? Dr. Martin goes on to share how she practices self-care, and what she lays out was surprising her viewers. According to Martin, "Self-care is not responding to every call and, if I do not have the bandwidth to have the conversation, stating that I don't have the bandwidth to have the conversation." She also notes that she says "No" to things she doesn't want to do, sets a financial budget, and does not drink caffeine after 4 p.m.

These things might seem a little boring when compared to indulgent self-care, but one thing is clear: these self-care practices are actually good for Martin's body, health, and overall wellness.

Much of what Martin listed are things a lot of people don't consider as self-care, but in actuality, self-care is defined simply by taking care of one's self. This means practicing self-care is getting in a few minutes of exercise a day, drinking more water, or spending time with friends. You don't have to spend money to care for yourself.

yoga, exercise, movement, body, health, self-careA woman practices Yoga.Image via Canva.

Commenters were shocked and thankful for Martin's clarification on what self-care is actually supposed to be:

"Love this list!! As a massage therapist, I have to call out the misconception that massage is indulgent. I'm always telling my patients that self care is more than a bath. I will be sharing this list with my patients. I'm also trying to make massage more accessible," one person writes.

"Thank you for this post. I’m internalizing your advice to see how I can apply. You resonated with my thoughts on so many levels. However, you also provided some clarity and food for thought/fuel for action," another says.

"I really appreciate what you said about pallet cleansers! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I'm not able to read and consume and learn about all the issues different people are facing. It's really important to me to learn about those things, not just for awareness, but also so I can do something about it. But self care is so important throughout that, like leaving my phone in the other room, or watching my comfort shows like you said. I often read kids books or TV because of how horrible the world is right now, and I need something extremely wholesome to balance it out. Also, workshop? I'm not sure what that means but I like learning from you. Thanks," another viewer shares.

So, maybe it's time to collectively ditch those indulgent expectations of self-care and really take a look at ways we can actually care for ourselves instead.

This article originally appeared last year.

Representative Image from Canva

Wondering where she got that rested glow? She hurkle-durkled.

Hurkle-durkle might be the silliest word ever, but it could be the missing step in your self-care. Hurkle-durkling simply means to linger in bed long past the time when you “should” already be up. It’s a Scottish term dating back to the 1800s—-originally having more to do with sitting in a crouching position either for warmth or secrecy, but eventually taking on a more relaxed and positive connotation.

It’s a word that only the biggest etymology enthusiast would know, had it not been plucked from obscurity thanks to TikTok. The viral trend seems to have started with actress Kira Kosarin sharing it as her “word of the day,” joking that “I do be hurkling, and I do be durkling and once I’ve hurkled my last durkle in a given morning I will get up, but I’m a big fan of a hurkle-durkle."

@kirakosarin

hurkle-durkle, u deserve it <3

♬ original sound - Kira Kosarin

Kosarin’s clip prompted others to share videos of themselves enjoying a good hurkle-durkling, blissfully wrapped in their sheets, basking in the sunlight, leisurely reading, etc.

One woman hailing from Scotland even joked, “[The Scottish] knew it was so critical to well-being they made a whole term about it. So no I’m not being lazy or wasting my life. I’m practicing an ancestral right of passage. I’m connecting with my culture and heritage.”

At this point you might be thinking, wait, isn’t this just bed-rotting?

Bed-rotting, another TikTok trend about lying in bed, and hurkle-durkling are similar, but have very different contexts. Bed-rotting has more to do with symptoms of burnout and fatigue, whereas hurkle-durkling is a bit more hygge, if you will. It’s seen as a pleasurable activity meant to promote rest for overall well being. Plus a hurkle-durkle has an end in sight, whereas bedrotting can take up an entire weekend, or longer.

And now matter how silly hurkle-durkle sounds, it could be seriously good for us. Research has shown that sleeping in, even a couple days a week, reduce the chances of a heart attack or stroke by 63%, especially for folks who get less than 6 hours of sleep through the rest of the week. (So, everyone, basically). Not only that, but getting those few extra minutes of shut-eye from hitting the snooze can help increase alertness and boost our mood.

Really, as with any self care practice, balance is key. Experts warn against staying in bed as an everyday practice or to avoid responsibilities an uncomfortable feelings, especially as too much inactivity can worsen feelings of depression. But when done mindfully and moderately, it can be the rejuvenation we long for, that so many of us don’t grant ourselves.

In fact, Kristin Wilson, a licensed professional counselor and chief experience officer, told Yahoo Life that perhaps so many people are leaning into silly, catchy terms like hurkle-durkle because they make rest and self-care, activities many Americans "are hesitant to celebrate and fully embrace,” more accessible.

"Sometimes our bodies just need a break, and we don’t want to feel guilty about taking time to rest," she explained. "Giving this behavior a clever social media name can make it feel more socially acceptable and when it trends and becomes popular, it normalizes the need for relaxation within the community of followers."

So with that, show yourself some love with a little hurkle-durkle. It’s fun to say, and oh so important to do.


This article originally appeared last year.

Health

A new study shows going to a 'cultural event' just once a month can cut depression in half

Research says this cuts your risk of depression in half. And you'll have fun while doing it.

We live in a world where art is easy to take for granted. So reminders like this are so helpful.

January is chugging along, which means that many of us are already glancing at our vision boards, diving into new routines, and checking off our New Year’s resolutions lists. And while these goals tend to lead towards self improvement (which is awesome) simply striving towards being a bit happier is equally important. After all, being happy makes us more productive, since it increases our motivation, energy levels, creativity, and focus.

But how exactly do we do that? Obviously, this is a question mankind has been asking for ages, and the answer will be different for different people. For some, it might actually be exercising. For others, it might be basking in nature or carving out more time for friends and hobbies. While these are all fantastic options, there’s still another uplifting activity that often goes under the radar, which can provide some pretty amazing benefits to our emotional wellbeing.

According to a study recently published in The British Journal of Psychiatry, going out to engage in some culture—meaning a trip to the movies, theatre, museum, etc.—just once a month cuts your risk of depression in half.

theatre, live shows near meThere's nothing like live theatre. Plain and simple. Photo credit: Canva

Researchers from Cambridge University examined data on 2,000 British adults over the age of 50 over a 10-year period and found that those who attended films, plays or exhibitions every few months had a 32% lower risk of developing depression, with those attending once a month or more having a 48% lower risk.

Granted, only senior folks participated in the study, but still, the stats seem high enough to assume that this could be a strategy that applies to people of all ages looking to boost their overall mood. Plus, the benefits remained clear regardless of gender, health, wealth, education and exercise, contact with friends and family, or whether or not other social activities were involved. That’s pretty impressive.

Dr Daisy Fancourt, lead author for the study, notes that while “cultural engagement is what we call a ‘perishable commodity,” we need to engage in these activities regularly to receive their benefits. “This is similar to exercise: going for a run on the first of January won’t still have benefits in October unless we keep going for runs,” she says.

mental health, depression hacks, productivitySure, you can watch a movie at home. But going out is nice too. Photo credit: Canva

She also added that for those currently dealing with depression (which we know are many) that “cultural engagement is something simple that we can do to proactively help with our own mental health, before it gets to the point where we need professional medical help.”

Above all, the findings of this study serve to confirm something we all know deep down—that art heals us. We’ve all experienced this personally at one point or another—feeling inspired, having a renewed sense of hope and wonder, broadening our perspective—simply by being exposed to creative works. However, this deeply ingrained need is so easy to put on the back burner with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Not to mention the fact that it’s easier than ever to just pull up something on our phone…so why bother going out to find art?

But actually going out to seek these pleasures is a key ingredient to this healing balm, as the Cambridge researchers believe the power of these cultural activities lies in the combination of social interaction, creativity, mental stimulation and gentle physical activity they encourage. You simply can’t get that combination staying at home. Not easily anyway. And besides, many of us work-from-homers need excuses to get out of pajamas now more than ever.

And luckily, if this does make it to your New Year’s resolution list, you don’t need to break the bank doing it. Sure, a lavish night out at the opera could be cool, but going out to a pay-what-you-can performance can be just as enjoyable, as with hitting a museum on one of its free admission days, or finding a nearby bar that offers live music. The point is to have fun, not add stress. And if all of these efforts result in a happier you by 2026, why not experiment?

How to clear a stuffy nose instantly.

Cold and Flu season typically starts in the fall and lasts through the spring. Add in COVID-19 and RSV, and we've got a number of respiratory illness to dodge this time of year. If you do fall ill and experience the dreaded stuffy nose associated with these diseases, we're here to help with a couple of awesome and easy tricks that will clear a stopped nose in minutes.

Prevention Magazine created a short video showing two easy ways to get you breathing free again no matter how stuffed up you might be.

Both tricks take less than two minutes and are certainly worth trying out when it feels like that runny nose might never go away.


Watch the YouTube video below:

These tricks are useful, so be sure to try them out when you're in need! Of course, not having a stuffy nose is better than a 60-second solution, so check out these tips on how you can stay healthy this viral season.

This article first appeared eight years ago.