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Unrealistic ideals are everywhere.

When guys want to start working on self-improvement, they're told that Step 1 is always, every time, without fail, going to the gym. For better or worse, this is where men are repeatedly told to go to begin turning their life around. Whether it's gaining confidence, becoming stronger, looking better, or of course, the classic, attracting more women, guys have all sorts of expectations of what fitness can do for them. We're constantly told that lifting weights is the key to solving almost all of our problems. But is it really?

Real men who work out regularly are sounding off on social media about gym expectations vs reality and the responses are incredibly illuminating. If you're thinking about getting started on your own fitness journey, it might help to know exactly what you are, and aren't, in for.

Expectation: Wanting compliments from women. Reality: Getting them from men.

gif of two men lifting weights togetherSometimes gym bros are the best bros.Giphy

Studies, and some common sense, show that women are more attracted to men who appear strong. This inspires a lot of men to hit the gym hard in order to improve their chances, but the reality is they tend to vastly overestimate the impact lifting weights will have. In fact, most guys who work out quickly find that it's actually other men who are more likely to notice their hard work and throw them compliments.

In fact, bodybuilding as we know it—oiled up dudes with massive muscles in tiny speedos—owes its roots to the queer community. So, you could say that a lot of the things guys chase in the gym today, like big shoulders and biceps, were initially designed to attract other men.

"I thought women would compliment me on my muscles, but in reality I only get compliments from other gym bros 😅....and that's cool too!" a commenter wrote in a Reddit thread on the subject of gym expectations vs reality.

"I thought girls would be into me... Sadly, it's men that seem to give me more attention now," said another.

Not ideal for guys hoping to score more dates, but hey, a compliment is a compliment.

"Buddy I haven't seen in a while just told me my legs look juicy. Feels good bro," admitted one user.

Expectation: Getting stronger and looking better. Reality: It takes a long, long time.

Guys start working out with visions of looking like Mr. Olympia, but few realize how long it takes and how much consistency and mental grit are required to start seeing results. Social media bombards us with quick transformations in order to sell us supplements and workout programs, but the reality for most guys is that it will take years of consistent hard work to feel like you're really getting somewhere. Oh, and you'll probably never look like Mr. Olympia.

"I just didn’t realize how long it would take. At 2-3 sessions per week, it took a year before I saw anything in the mirror," one user noted, adding that it took over three years of consistency to see major changes.

Expectation: More self-confidence. Reality: Body dysmorphia.

When men start working out, they often believe that if they lose weight or look more fit, they'll gain confidence. And often times, that's true! But in some cases, hyper focusing on the size of your pecs or the visibility of your abs can have the opposite effect. You can lose sight of the progress you've made and end up feeling even worse about your body.

"Unfortunately once you see improvement, sometimes you are always trying to up the improvement," a man wrote.

"I've even had other people comment on the weight loss and I have tangible evidence in a reduced waist size, yet when I look at myself I still feel big as ever," said another.

"Not really new, its a pretty common occurrence that once you get bigger you'll feel too small and as if you dont train hard enough to grow faster," noted one commenter, referencing a phenomenon sometimes called bigorexia.

Expectation: Less pain. Reality: Being sore all the time.

gif of man running up the stairs while another walks downstairs slowly and painfullyThis is how you move when you're in shapeGiphy

"[I expected] Less daily pain. Result: different daily pain," wrote one commenter.

My wife and I joke about this all the time. We both workout to be strong, fit, and healthy. Half the time, though, our legs are sore from squats and lunges and cycling and we're both waddling around the house. It kind of feels like it defeats the purpose at times.

Exercise is one of the best ways to relieve pain in your knees, back, hips, and more. But if you overdo it, your muscles will pay the price for days afterwards, or worse, you'll wind up injuring yourself.

Expectation: Six pack abs. Reality: It's not worth it.

gif of singer Usher lifting his shirt to show off his absWe can't all have abs like UsherGiphy

Ah yes, the Holy Grail of fitness for men: The elusive six pack. You could easily argue that men care more about abs than women (let's just not restart the dadbod discourse again, please), but whether the pursuit is misguided or not, almost every man who steps foot in a gym has at least dared to dream that one day they might acquire rock hard abs.

Guys in the thread showed up to tell us that, sadly, it probably won't happen just because you work out hard.

"[The reality is] I’m just sorta in shape bc I don’t watch my diet… you can tell I have a physique, I can lift heavy, and have endurance, but there’s some chub," one commenter admitted.

Six pack abs require either terrific genes, extreme discipline, or a combination of both. And the guys who have put in extraordinary effort in the gym and the kitchen to get there are here to tell us it's probably not worth the hassle.

"As someone who's gone down to about 10% to get abs. Don't. It's genuinely not worth it. I sit at around 15% which for me doesn't show ab definition, and I'm so much happier than I was with abs," one guy says.

Expectation: Feeling better physically. Reality: Feeling better mentally.

By now, we've learned that expectations of working out don't always match reality. It's not likely that you'll completely transform your body (at least not quickly), become perfectly happy with how you look in the mirror, and have women throwing themselves at you. But that's not to say that fitness isn't a goal worth pursuing. Sometimes, the most positive effects aren't the ones you see, but the ones you feel.

"One of the things I did not expect was being able to deal with my mental health, but it was a pleasant surprise to find out how much it helped me counter my depression," one man commented.

"Regular, strenuous physical activity is the thing that made the most dramatic difference in my mental wellbeing. My new girlfriend has these motivational memes everywhere, and one of them says 'Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily and watch your dreams come true.' Dammit if that isn't the most truth I've learned in the last few years," added another.

The men's self-improvement industry has sold us a lot of fairly toxic ideas. It tells us to chase big muscles, six pack abs, and adoration from women in the gym, and that these things will ultimately bring us peace and happiness. Most guys who have been down this road have found out that that's simply not true.

However, getting and staying active does have a ton of benefits if you get into it for the right reasons. It can improve longevity, boost your mood and confidence, help you sleep better, and more. You may not become a Casanova with the ladies, but the guy spotting you on the bench press or complimenting your shoulders might just become a new best friend, something men desperately need more of.



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L'Oreal Dermablend

"I’m definitely really comfortable in my skin," Kody says. But a few years ago, that wasn't the case.

When Kody was in high school, he hadn't yet come out as gay. He was young and still figuring out who he was.

"I wanted to fit in," he says. "I wanted to be just like everyone else."


All photos by L'Oreal Dermablend.

He struggled with his identity, trying to reconcile who he knew he was and who he wanted to be. It wasn’t until he accepted himself that he was able to begin moving forward.

"I came out when I was 19," Kody says. "It was terrifying. I was so afraid of what people would think." But once he took the leap, he realized that he was free. "You unlock the door, and now you can live your life and express the way you feel."

Free to start expressing himself without shame, Kody began to explore. He found his passion somewhere unexpected: in makeup.

"Once I discovered makeup and once I discovered I was good at it, I started to feel more comfortable about who I am," Kody explains. Makeup gave Kody an opportunity to show off his personality in a more visual way, as a form of art and expression.

Now as a professional makeup artist, Kody uses Dermablend on all his customers, from those with "perfect" skin to those with a skin condition.

He loves it because it improves the appearance of one’s complexion without feeling like a lot of makeup. Dermablend also boasts high-performance pigments which allow the foundation and concealer to cover any skin condition. So no matter who Kody's applying makeup to, the end result is flawless.

Kody hopes that, with his help, many more people will embrace who they are because they finally feel comfortable in their own skin.

"All you have to do is just be yourself, and if you do want to wear makeup, the choice is all up to you."

Watch Kody’s story of using makeup to find empowerment:

Dermablend Reflections: Kody

Growing up, he always felt different, but now he loves what he sees in the mirror. And he's helping to spread that feeling.

Posted by Upworthy on Friday, December 1, 2017

But makeup didn’t just help Kody find his identity. It also helped him find his purpose.

"Before, I just didn’t see where I was supposed to go in life," he says. Like any young person, Kody had a hard time figuring out what his passion was and how he could incorporate it into his career. But makeup turned out to be the answer to that question, too.

"I love how I can make a customer feel really good about how they feel," Kody says. "It really makes me want to help others." He works hard to help his clients make sure their face reflects exactly what they feel on the inside. And when he gets it right, he can tell right away. "Usually their face just brightens up. They glow up," he says.

Kody wants to spread the message that makeup isn’t something you should use to hide. It’s something you should use to reveal who you truly are.

"You’re beautiful with or without makeup," Kody insists. He emphasizes that makeup is something that anyone can do — or choose not to do. "Makeup is definitely a choice. It’s a very good way to have an outlet to express yourself."

In the end, it’s all about being true to yourself. "It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy, if you’re a girl," he says. "Whatever you want to express, whatever you want to feel, you just do it."

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Her struggle with her acne is a lesson in developing a healthy relationship with makeup.

'Reflecting on your own self-worth is the most important thing you can do every day.'

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L'Oreal Dermablend

MacKenzie has scars from high school — and not just emotional ones.

When she was 13, she started developing severe acne and redness all over her face. As a shy, sensitive teen, MacKenzie just wanted to blend in, but the acne made it extremely difficult.

MacKenzie. All photos via Dermablend.


"What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with your face?" Insensitive questions like that would pummel her every day in school to the point where she wished she could just stay home.

"People thought I couldn’t really stick up for myself," MacKenzie recalls. "So they just kind of made me an easy target."

She tried using foundation, but it ended up accentuating her acne rather than covering it. Of course, this left her feeling even more defeated.

Things like painting and volunteer work, however, helped her distract herself from the negativity she experienced.

One of MacKenzie's paintings.

In fact, volunteer work, especially when it involved mentoring younger kids, was so important to MacKenzie, she decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in social work. She also mentors students at a high school near her university.

Not surprisingly, MacKenzie very much relates to the struggles her mentees are currently facing. She often tells them something of which she regularly reminds herself:

"Reflecting on your own self-worth is the most important thing you can do every day."

MacKenzie also found solace in a new kind of makeup which helped cover her acne and filled her with confidence.

She discovered Dermablend, and it's helped her feel so much more comfortable because she was able to use it more for self-expression rather than something to hide behind. It's allowed her to be much more creative with the image she reflects back at the world.

"That outlet has helped me reflect upon my own beauty," MacKenzie says.

Today, she doesn't feel like she always needs to wear makeup. It's her choice, and that's incredibly empowering. Her foundation helped give her the self-assurance to make that choice. Now, whether she decides to wear makeup or not, she sees all the things that make her beautiful.

"At the end of the day, I look in the mirror and see someone who’s grown so much that nothing can bring me down," MacKenzie says. "Makeup or no makeup, I still feel so confident in myself."

Watch MacKenzie's story here:

Dermablend Reflections: Mackenzie

Growing up, she felt that her acne made her an outsider. Now it's something that helps her relate to the kids she mentors.

Posted by Upworthy on Monday, October 30, 2017
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L'Oreal Dermablend

When Julia was little, she had a small grey mark on the left side of her face. By the time she turned 13, it had spread across her forehead and cheek.

Since it didn't look like your average birthmark, it worried Julia and her parents, so they went to a doctor to make sure it wasn't cancerous. While the biopsies came back negative, the doctors didn't have a name for the discoloration on Julia's face.

Julia Hernandez. All photos via Dermablend.


So, like any young woman of today, she put a photo of herself on the internet, and someone with the same condition told her what it was. It's a birthmark called Nevus of Ota, which is simply a hyperpigmentation of the skin.

Unfortunately, however, learning her birthmark's name was only half the battle. Now she had to learn how to live with it.

Considering she was also entering her teen years, a time when kids are the most judgmental, that was easier said than done.

"When [people] see my birthmark, they ask me if I have a black eye, or if I got in a fight, or something," says Julia. "That just made me feel, like, not normal."

She tried various coverups to conceal it, but none really did the job.

After years of enduring regular taunts and jeers, she finally came upon a foundation that helped — Dermablend.

Julia applying Dermablend.

"I was so happy because I never thought I would find a makeup that would make my skin look even," Julia says.

Now that she had the choice to cover up her birthmark, Julia decided to take a huge risk and put her whole self out there for the world to see.

She began doing makeup tutorials on YouTube during which she'd expose her skin pigmentation to show people how one covers up a birthmark like hers.  

Showcasing this longstanding insecurity was not a decision Julia made lightly. She was incredibly nervous about what judgments might pop up in the comments. However, to her surprise, no such comments appeared.

Instead, Julia was flooded with messages of support and solidarity from people dealing with their own vulnerabilities. She even came across one girl with the same birthmark who was so grateful for the confidence Julia's makeup tutorials instilled in her.

But makeup isn't just about overcoming insecurities for Julia. It's also about exploring her artistic side.

"My face is like a canvas," Julia says. "I love to paint, so I get to be creative and create whatever look I want that day."

She doesn't feel like she has to cover up her birthmark all the time anymore, but when she does, it's more about showcasing her true self rather than trying to hide it. Dermablend gave her that choice, and with that came a huge dose of confidence.

"At the end of the day, it’s just a birthmark," Julia says. "It’s not who I am."

Check out Julia's whole story here:

Dermablend Reflections: Julia

After hiding her birthmark for years, she now feels comfortable just being able to be herself.

Posted by Upworthy on Wednesday, December 13, 2017