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My life with bipolar—what it's really like to live with a severe mental health disorder
Photo by DANNY G on Unsplash

I was 20 years old when I first heard the word "bipolar." I was in a sterile, white room: a room with stained walls and cold, metal chairs. There were marks on the floor. Scuffs and crumbs and wisps of unswept hair. But that didn't bother me. Not really. What bothered me was my new diagnosis.

Bipolar.

I wasn't sad or depressed, I was bipolar.

I'd be lying if I said I accepted my new label with grace. I mean, I started taking medication. Depakote. I went to therapy, as my psychiatrist suggested, and I attempted to make progress. I really, really tried. But I didn't believe I was sick, or at least not as sick as they were telling me, and after a few months, I stopped taking my meds — something which, over the last 16 years, I have done time and time again. But it didn't end well. It never ends well. And during my "withdrawal," my body began reacting.

Within days, I was exuberant, elated, and happy. I was working more and sleeping less. I was talkative. Very talkative. I text dozens of friends, friends who I hadn't spoken to in years, and I was confident. Hypomania was setting in. I also pitched hundreds of story ideas. I wrote more articles than I can count. Oh, and I dyed my hair. Over the span of a week, I sported three different shades. But I was seeing things. Hearing voices. The walls had eyes. My world was closing in. And I was drinking to manage. To deal. To cope.

I was also suicidal. When I am manic, I am always suicidal.


But why then did I stop my pills? Why did I put myself and my wellbeing at risk? Because I have a mental health disorder. Specifically, I live with bipolar disorder, and one of the symptoms of my illness is impulsivity. Mania and hypomania is marked by reckless decisions. And stopping my pills? That was brash and careless. It was negligent and thoughtless, and it was reckless. It was textbook bipolar behavior.

But mania and hypomania aren't the only manifestations of my illness. Bipolar disorder is a serious mental health disorder, one that affects 2.3 million Americans, and in order to be diagnosed with this condition, one must experience elation and sadness. Those with bipolar experience manic highs and depressive lows—and I would know.

While my most recent swing was up, I have spent many days down. My depressive episodes are frequent, dark and morose.

You see, when I am depressed, I am discouraged and despondent, helpless and hopeless, and I feel numb. I am suffocated by a curtain I cannot see. I am stuck behind a wall which does not exist, and I am tethered to a pole by an imaginary rope.

I run laps like a caged animal. I beg for someone—anyone—to throw me a bone.

When I am depressed, I miss deadlines and lack motivation: To work. To parent. To run, read, or shower.

When I am depressed, I want to be alone. I need to be alone. Seeing people being and breathing is too painful. Watching others live their life hurts. And when I am depressed I feel guilty for thinking these things. For feeling these things. Everything becomes a chore.

"Bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks," the National Institute of Mental Health writes. Those living with bipolar "experience periods of unusually intense emotion, changes in sleep patterns and activity levels, and uncharacteristic behaviors — often without recognizing their likely harmful or undesirable effects."

Of course, as with any illness, the symptoms of bipolar vary from person to person and patient to patient; however, those living with bipolar will experience periods of depression, mania and/or hypomania.

"Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes," the Mayo Clinic explains, "but they have the same symptoms, [including but not limited to feeling] abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired; [having] increased activity, energy or agitation [and/or an] exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria); [experiencing a] decreased need for sleep... [and engaging in] poor decision-making."

Those with depression will experience feelings of numbness, sadness, tearfulness, hopelessness, and helplessness. They may experience weight loss or weight gain, and depression can exacerbate feelings of worthlessness and guilt. Fatigue and a general loss of motivation and energy can also occur.

The good news is most days I am stable. I am balanced. Thanks to therapy and medication, I am living somewhere "in between." Most days I wake feeling fine. I am able to parent. To work. To function. I am a good employee. A caring wife. A loving mother, and an (overly invested) friend. I can also roll with the punches. I don't cry over cold coffee or breakdown when I spill milk. I also don't drink. I am able to keep the manic demons at bay. Plus, I know how to manage my illness when I am not. I run. I rest. I speak with my therapist more frequently. If necessary, I ask my psychiatrist to adjust my meds, and I implement my crisis intervention plan, a document which includes tangible steps I can take if and when I am feeling manic or depressed.

But being well isn't easy. It takes patience and hard work. It also takes a little faith and a whole lot of luck, but it is worth it.

I am worth it.

If you or someone you know is struggling, know this: You are not alone. There is help. There is hope. For more information about bipolar disorder and/or resources about substance abuse or other mental health disorders, call the visit SAMHSA's website or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
partner boost

Pacifico and Quiksilver have teamed up to provide a sustainable merch collection and clean beaches

Shared values of sustainability and adventure come together in a beautiful way

Images provided by Pacifico

Making waves in the best way

True

At last, summer is here. And for many people, that means it's time for heading to the beach and maybe even catching some waves. Surfing is a quintessential summertime activity for those who live in coastal communities—it’s not only really fun and challenging, it’s also a great way to celebrate Mother Nature’s beauty. Even after a wipeout, the cool water mixed with warm sunshine offers a certain kind of euphoria. Or, you know, just hanging back on the sand is plenty fun too. Simply being outdoors near the ocean is its own reward.

pacifico quiksilver beach cleanupLet’s protect the places where outdoor adventure happensAll photos provided by Pacifico

However, it's well known that our beautiful beaches are suffering the consequences of overcrowding, pollution and littering. What was once a way of playing in nature is now slowly destroying it. And of course, this affects beachgoers everywhere. The sad truth is—without taking action to preserve all the natural joys the earth provides, we will eventually lose them.

But there is hope. Two popular brands that both have roots in surf culture have teamed up to help make trips to the beach a more sustainable pastime. The best part? You don’t have to know how to hang ten in order to participate.

Pacifico®, a pilsner-style lager originally brought to the U.S. by surfers, and Quiksilver, an iconic apparel company loved by both surfers and beach goers alike, have created a brand-new range of clothing and accessories with sustainability in mind.

Take a look below. These threads are great for all kinds of fun in the sun, without compromising the environment.

pacifico quicksilver beach cleanupsReady to make some waves

The collection launches on July 5 and includes tees and woven shirts, boardshorts, hats, flip-flops and a special beach towel and tote bag. The unique collaboration features the vibrant, colorful designs that are the hallmark of Quiksilver combined with Pacifico elements, created to make a positive impact.

Each item has been thoughtfully curated to minimize an environmental footprint and protect the outdoors. The hats, for example, are made from NetPlus® by Bureo®, a raw material created from South American recycled fishing nets. Additionally, the board shorts are made from recycled plastic bottles, and tees are made with 100% organic cotton. Pretty rad stuff, to put it in surfer lingo.

The prices on these pieces are equally rad, ranging from $28 flip-flops to $60 boardshorts.

In keeping with the sustainable ethos and protecting the places we play, Pacifico and Quiksilver will celebrate the products’ launch by hosting two beach cleanups. The first is on July 5 at Sunset Point in Malibu, California, from 4-5:30pm, and the second is on July 9th at Deerfield Beach in Florida from 8:30 – 10:30am.

pacifico quicksilver clothing lineCleaning up and looking good while doing it

Theses beach cleanups are open to anyone over the age of 21 who’s ready to have some fun while taking care of nature’s playground.

Those who can’t make it to the beach (bummer, dude) don’t have to miss out on all the fun. The new collection will be available on July 5th at www.quiksilver.com/mens-collab-pacifico. And even if you don’t surf, never plan to surf, have no desire to even be near a surfboard, rest assured, the apparel is still cool. Plus sustainable choices are always good fashion.

Our planet provides us with an endless supply of beauty and adventure. But without more mindful actions from humanity, its natural wonders will eventually diminish. Fortunately Pacifico and Quiksilver are making it easier than ever for people to enjoy the great outdoors without jeopardizing it. That’s a wave worth riding.

This article originally appeared on 09.06.17


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Here are some hilarious tweets that just about every married couple will understand.

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Photo by Syed Ali on Unsplash

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There is evidence that mosquitoes are attracted to the odor given off by mice infected by the parasite that causes malaria. Now, a team is looking at how the scent of mosquito-borne viruses such as dengue and Zika would attract mosquitoes to people rather than mice.

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Paul Rudd in 2016.

Passing around your yearbook to have it signed by friends, teachers and classmates is a fun rite of passage for kids in junior high and high school. But, according to KDVR, for Brody Ridder, a bullied sixth grader at The Academy of Charter Schools in Westminster, Colorado, it was just another day of putting up with rejection.

Poor Brody was only able to get four signatures in his yearbook, two from what appeared to be teachers and one from himself that said, “Hope you make some more friends."

Brody’s mom, Cassandra Ridder has been devastated by the bullying her son has faced over the past two years. "There [are] kids that have pushed him and called him names," she told The Washington Post. It has to be terrible to have your child be bullied and there is nothing you can do.

She posted about the incident on Facebook.

“My poor son. Doesn’t seem like it’s getting any better. 2 teachers and a total of 2 students wrote in his yearbook,” she posted on Facebook. “Despite Brody asking all kinds of kids to sign it. So Brody took it upon himself to write to himself. My heart is shattered. Teach your kids kindness.”

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