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This simple household rule could save your marriage, but there's a catch

Ever been told you're loading the dishwasher "wrong"?

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A stunning 25% of marriages end, in large part, because of arguments over household chores. So the third most common reason for divorce after falling out of love and infidelity is... cooking and laundry.

It seems utterly ridiculous, on the surface. But when you've lived with someone long enough, you know that having the same arguments over and over — even over tiny things — can eventually push you over the edge.

One common argument that pops up again and again: One spouse being told they're doing something "wrong".

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Probably the stereotypical example is the husband loading the dishwasher but repeatedly being told he's doing it incorrectly.

This is where it's easy to fall into the trap of the "nagging wife" stereotype. Don't forget that husbands or male partners can be extremely particular and critical about certain things, too.

For example, Mom might pack all of the kids' lunches for school, but Dad sure has a lot to say about the nutritional content for those lunches.

Wife doesn't like the way Husband runs the kitchen while cooking. Husband badgers wife to fold the laundry a different way.

Even when the division of labor isn't a major problem, per se, sometimes spouses have trouble "letting go" of control when it comes to the "how" things get done.

In a recent Reddit thread asking for advice on this exact topic, one comment hit the nail on the head:

"My wife & I have a rule: if you insist that there's one right way to do something and (furthermore) insist on supervising it, you just claimed that job. On the spot. You might be surprised how much drama that has helped us avoid."

This stuck out to me because it reminds me so much of my own household.

I do all the dishes in our home, and one thing I really appreciate is that I never hear a word about it unless my wife or one of the kids needs a specific dish washed at a specific time. Otherwise, the kitchen sink is my domain!

Likewise, I don't moan about the mealplans that my wife makes. I'm happy to give my input when she wants it, or recommend something, but you won't catch me grumbling that I'm not in the mood for chili when she's gone through the immense trouble of planning that meal already.

It's a really solid rule of thumb. If you want it done a very specific way, and not just done, do it yourself.


laundry in washing machine Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I asked Kelly Hubbell, who helps busy parents create a healthy division of labor in their household, for her tips on this common conundrum.

She sometimes asks couples who are in conflict over chores to think of division of labor instead of "partner collaboration," to get through to them that they need to work together to keep the household afloat.

"A great starting point is defining roles and expectations by setting up a 'standard of care' that both partners can agree on," she says.

In other words, have that conversation about what it truly means for someone to "do the dishes." When should they be done by, is it OK to leave a couple things in the sink if they won't fit in the dishwasher, do they need to be dried and put away or can that happen the next day? Hash it out in a collaborative way that you both agree on.

"By aligning on what’s most important for your family and agreeing (and compromising) ahead of time on how tasks will be done, you can avoid unnecessary conflict and focus on what really matters: quality time and shared goals."

Here's the big catch with the "you just claimed it rule." Guys have to participate in full good faith.

Weaponized incompetence, division of labor, mental load. These are all hot button words that can put husbands on the defensive, but the truth is that none of this matters if men aren't showing up at home and doing their share.

(Plenty of data shows that, on average, women are still doing way more at home.)

Hubbell says that you have to both agree to a standard of care for your home.

Only occasionally doing the dishes when you feel like it, or only doing some of them, or making your wife do literally everything is not an acceptable standard.

And if she doesn't get to nitpick how you do your chores, you don't get to nitpick hers either.

Outside of that, we should all be able to agree that the only wrong way to load the dishwasher is if the dishes are coming out still dirty! If they're clean, live and let live.

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Joy

The keys to a good, long-lasting marriage, according to happy older couples

Couples married for 25 to 57 years share the wisdom they've gleaned about happy relationships.

Photo by Gustavo Fring/Pexels

What makes some relationships work so well for so long?

No one goes into their wedding day thinking that their marriage won't last, but as we all know, "happily" doesn't always mean "ever after." Some marriages start off strong and fizzle out over time. Some people choose the wrong partner to begin with and end up divorcing. Some go through major life upheavals that they aren't able to overcome as a pair.

But some couples live the dream, not only staying together for the long haul but truly living happily ever after. That's not to say they don't have their share of challenges or that their relationships are perfect, but long-term, happy marriages really do exist.

People often want to know what the "secret" is to a good marriage that lasts. What is it that these couples do or don't do to stay together for life in marital bliss?

Researchers like John Gottman have formally studied and analyzed relationships, sharing key elements that can make or break a marriage. But it's also good to go straight to the source—couples who are still married and happy decades after tying the knot—to hear what they have to say. Every individual and every couple are unique, of course, but when you hear similar things from happy old couples over and over again, it's a pretty safe bet that their wisdom is sound.

The AskOldPeople Reddit page has fielded various versions of the question, "What's the secret to a long and happy marriage?" several times. Here are some answers from people who've been married between 25 and 52 years:

"Marry someone who has the same basic values. Hobbies, interests and style will match over a while. Cleanliness, greed, jealousy, pettiness, ... will never change. This is character. So don`t believe that you can train this. You have to find a partner that matches with your core values. Family, friends, lifestyle." – 32 years

"Marry someone you really, really like. Because if you’re doing life together, you’re going to go through a lot of shit. So much shit, y’all. You’ve got to have a partner who you genuinely love seeing walk into the room at least 90% of the time. It’s been 32 years and I still smile when my partner shows up." – 32 years

"The three main ingredients to me are Love, Respect and Commitment. if any one of the three are missing, yer screwed." – 47 years

"Don’t let the small things bother you. Everyone has moods, but don’t take it personally. When we were first married I used to try and get my husband to talk through everything. I finally learned to just let him be for a while. In time, he’d usually come around and talk things through. Sometimes he wouldn’t, but that was okay. Be respectful, admit when you’re wrong, and be there for each other. Also, have outings with your friends alone and together. Everyone needs and deserves time to be with their friends. Divide up household chores (this is one area we still have issues with) and realize, at times, you may have to do more and vise versa." – 36 years

"We met when we were 16 and married 6 years later. During that time we got to know each other very well and agreed on common values by the time we got married. I have to say, we've never had a conflict on finances, religion, raising of children, education or any other major topic that surfaces during marriage. I trust my wife in every way as she does me. It seems to have worked for us." – 50 years

"Marry someone you both like and love. Make sure they feel the same about you. Respect, understanding, good communication are also key. Common life goals and values are a must. Make sure you have fun!" – 25 years

"Shared values, (shared faith helps), respect for each other in all things. We may not always agree on everything, but we have great respect for each other. Avoid criticism and blaming. If a serious issue has been talked out and settled, leave it in the past. Don't throw it back up at someone months or years later. Communicate, don't harbor resentments. If something is an issue, address it head on and negotiate a mutually agreed upon solution. Have a plan about finances. We do not make major financial decisions without consulting the other…And we make each other laugh, we have fun together. if you aren't laughing and having fun together, then you need to figure out why and fix that immediately. marriage is work, but its also fun, rewarding, exciting, fulfilling, and sexy!" – 44 years

"Luck in picking a decent guy at age 19 and then a lot of patience that we'd make it through the tougher times. But really it comes down to being a couple of decent human beings. It also helps a lot to be financially secure and not to have any major crises (mental illness, severely disabled child, addiction, etc) thrown at you. I'm a big fan of the the Gottmans who have done a lot of research on what makes marriages last or fail. Contempt is a killer. Actively paying attention to each other is good. And this sounds bad, but it's sort of like what makes Finland the happiest country--reasonable expectations. If you're looking for something out of a Disney fairy tale or some celebrity couple's curated IG stream every day you're bound to be disappointed. But a solid relationship where you both support each other through the ups and downs of life is a great thing." – 52 years

"— Choose wisely. Choose someone who has the same, or at least compatible, attitudes towards sex, money, religion, raising kids, and so on.

— Have the attitude that your marriage is more important than the wants or desires of either partner.

— Never assume that you know what your spouse is thinking or that they know what you are thinking. The roughest patches in our marriage occurred when one or both of us thought that our concerns were so screamingly obvious that only malice could explain the other’s failure to address those concerns. In reality, they weren’t even on the other’s radar and they weren’t really that obvious.

— Trust your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt unless you have concrete evidence that they have broken your trust. If you are worried, say something but do it in a non-accusatory manner." – 37 years

"There isn't one secret, but there are many components. The most important one is to choose your partner well for reasons that are deep and relatively permanent rather than shallow and fleeting. I chose my husband because he was authentic, honest, intelligent, fun, communicative, loving, and emotionally balanced. He was comfortable with who he was in a non-arrogant way and had no pretense.

The second is having the ability to compromise when it's important without suppressing your needs when they are important. You sometimes have to sacrifice what makes you comfortable for what is best for your future. That goes for both people. If one person is making all of the compromises, then it's going to create big problems.

In the long run, one of the more important things is that you both keep growing and improving as people together. You should be bringing out the best in each other. Couples that bring out the worst in each other will live in increasing misery. Part of doing this is recognizing when you've messed up and being able to apologize and try hard to be better." – 35 years

"The BFF aspect is real, in two senses. We are each other's closest confidant, but the connection is between two independent people, each with our own careers, interests, and circles of same sex friends, my bros and her galpals.

Neither of us has stopped growing. We were kids when we started. We have each changed enormously over this many years. It takes nonstop work, communication, and commitment to grow together rather than apart.

As our marriage has matured, we have built a supporting infrastructure of financial stability and kinship connections with grown kids, their spouses, and now grandkids that are becoming adults. In a way, we're not just a couple anymore, we're the center of a whole institution." – 57 years

Every relationship works differently, but shared values, love, respect, communication, trust, patience, compromise and choosing wisely to begin with seems to be key factors in having a relationship that not only lasts, but lasts happily. Even if you haven't experienced it yourself, it's heartening to know that happily ever after really is possible.

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Health

Relationship expert shares her advice on how to 'stop an argument in its tracks'

She has the perfect question to ask once your partner gets defensive.

via LaurenConsul/TikTok and Pexels

Therapist Lauren Consul has one trick to stop arguments before they begin.

Arguments start to take off when one partner begins to get defensive. So, therapist Lauren Consul shared her relationship-saving tip to "stop an argument in its tracks" when one partner goes into self-preservation mode.

Lauren Consul is a couples and sex therapist who’s developed a following of nearly 160,000 people on TikTok and has received over 5.4 million likes. She is an infidelity expert and hosts retreats to help people "survive and thrive" after one partner has strayed.

"The next time you and your partner are talking, and your partner becomes defensive, I want you to do this: Pause, and say, 'I want to understand what happened there. What did you hear me say?'" Consul says in her TikTok video with over 42,000 views.

"This question is key because it does one of two things," she continued. "First, it can allow for clarification. A lot of times when we've become defensive, we've interpreted something our partner has said incorrectly. We've run it through a filter, we've told ourselves a story about it, it's triggered something... So we're not actually hearing what our partner says, and it allows for clarification."

@laurenconsul

#communicationtools #communicationtools #defensiveness #couplesargument #learnontiktok #cyclebreaker #couplestherapist #relationshiptherapist #marriagecounseling #mytherapistsays #therapytol #tiktoktherapist

"The second thing: If your partner did interpret what you said correctly, it gives you an opportunity to slow things down and understand what is happening for them and address the underlying issue, rather than get caught in a spiral of defensiveness," she continued.

Consul's advice for stopping arguments before they explode is helpful because it clears up any potential misunderstandings. The key is to remember the tactic in the heat of the moment to prevent things from getting out of hand.


This article originally appeared on 3.16.23

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Family

Wife is confused over how to feel about husband who 'emotionally' cheated with babysitter

Is it still wrong if it's not physical?

via Mikhail Nilov/Pexels

A husband is frustrated trying to explain his relationship with the babysitter.

Often when we discuss infidelity, we talk about the physical type where one partner sleeps with someone outside the relationship. However, emotional cheating is a bit more nebulous. “An emotional affair is an affair of the heart,” Dr. Jenn Mann, a licensed marriage and family therapist, writes at InStyle. “The most troubling aspect of the emotional affair, for the person who is in a committed relationship, is that it drains the primary relationship of time, energy, and focus.”

Emotional cheating is also hard on the partner who remains faithful because the situation isn’t as cut and dry as physical cheating.

A case in point is a story posted on Reddit’s Relationship Advice subforum. In this story, a wife is bothered by her husband’s relationship with the babysitter, which he swears is platonic. However, he acts like it’s something more.

The story revolves around a 35-year-old woman who has been married to a 38-year-old man for 11 years and has 2 sons. The kids are sometimes watched by a 25-year-old woman who lives in an apartment up the street. The babysitter was friends with the husband’s brother many years ago, so they’ve known each other for quite some time.

“We always invite her over when we have parties or BBQs, she gets along well with everyone,” the wife wrote. But after a while, the babysitter and the husband became rather close.

hoodies, infidelity, emotional cheating

A woman in a hoodie.

via Alena Shekhovtcova/Pexels

The first questionable encounter:

“One night, she had come over to watch our sons when our normal babysitter pulled out last minute. … she had been swimming with the boys in our pool and, at one point, said something about being cold. I was going to tell her I would run upstairs and grab her one of my sweaters when my husband took off the hoodie he was wearing and gave it to her,” the wife said.

While giving her the hoodie seemed a little extra, what he did next felt like something a kid with a high school crush would do.

“After he gave it to her, she kept it for a few days, when she brought it back, it smelled overwhelmingly like her, I asked him if he wanted me to wash it and he said no,” the wife wrote.

The second questionable encounter:

“She came over for a graduation party for one of our sons. She got a phone call in the middle of it and left for about an hour. My husband went over to check on her and she came back but seemed really upset and said something was going on with her mom health-wise,” the wife wrote.

“Later on, almost everyone had left. I was putting the boys to bed, the two of them were talking by the fire pit on this swing we have, she still seemed really upset and he had his arm around her shoulders and was clearly trying to cheer her up. None of that bothered me. What bothers me is that when I came back outside, they were both asleep on the swing with her head on him,” she continued.

After the wife woke them up they seemed “genuinely surprised” but didn’t act like they “got caught.”

Third questionable encounter:

After the wife’s initial post, a commenter said she should wash the hoodie and see how he reacts. So, she did and he threw a fit. After it was washed, he threw it on the closet floor.

“I told him I didn't think he was going to cheat on me, but I didn't like his clothing smelling overpoweringly like another woman,” she wrote. He countered that it smelled like her fabric softener because she had washed the hoodie.

That man has a lot of emotional investment in that hoodie.

Later, when the hoodie was no longer on the floor, the wife asked if it needed to be rewashed. The husband responded, “Let go of the fu***n hoodie!” he then slammed the door and went to work without saying goodbye.

“I really didn't need to make such a big deal about the hoodie. I kind of feel like he's making a big deal about me washing it, right,” she wrote.

The vast majority of commenters on the post felt the wife wasn’t overreacting and should be concerned about her husband’s relationship with the babysitter. “I felt awkward reading what you wrote and don't think you're overreacting,” Walkingwalking123 wrote. “If it was a young male neighbor, would your husband have whipped off his hoodie and handed it over? Or fallen asleep against each other? If he would, then perhaps you're overreacting. Otherwise, not.”

hoodie, infidelity, laundry

A woman puts a sweatshirt in the laundry.

via RDNE Stock Project/Pexels

A male commenter made the situation simple. The husband is either an “idiot or a gaslighter.”

“The only thing I can say is that there is nothing more romantic than a girl sleeping on you. It's not something that just happens like, ‘Oh hey, we both just were so tired we fell asleep on each other!.’ No, it's actually a very conscious effort to go to sleep while someone is resting on you. It shows a very deep level of comfort and intimacy between two people,” The HairyBanana wrote. “I would say set boundaries but I can't imagine ever having to tell my [significant other] not to fall asleep holding somebody else. Just common sense, really. You're either married to an idiot or a gaslighter. Don't know which is worse, to be honest.”

When it comes to romantic relationships, hoodies are a lot more than a jacket. According to an article reviewed by dating coach John Keegan, when a guy gives a girl his hoodie, it means a lot. It’s a symbol of his chivalry, a display of affection and a way to show other people she is taken.

For women, the hoodies make them feel closer to the guy and they enjoy that it smells like him.

When you add up the 3 questionable scenarios, giving the girl the hoodie, falling asleep with her head on his shoulder and his obsession with not washing the hoodie, they make a good case that the wife should be wary of her husband’s relationship with the babysitter.

It’s a good thing that the woman ached out to the Reddit audience for some clarification because emotional cheating can be hard to detect. Getting some unbiased advice on the situation was probably a big help in sorting out her confusion.

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