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Parents are sick and tired of explaining why they 'never want to bring the kids over' to visit

Our kids are probably going to hurt your house and themselves.

Johnny Cohen/Unsplash
Fed up parents explain why they 'never want to bring the kids over' to visit

It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids. The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones. It's why people assume if you have family nearby that you're "so lucky," and that you're overrun with free babysitting offers. Ha! If only.

The bad news comes down to one phrase: "When are you bringing them over?" Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.

Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.

Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents

A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."

"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"

The post struck a nerve with parents, who chimed in with hundreds of passionate comments. The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.

Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed

Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. In fact, they like to dedicate massive pieces of furniture only to housing their fine china, which they never use, but which is also extremely valuable and sentimental.

And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.


parents, parenting, moms, dads, grandparents, millennial grandparents, gen x, boomers, grandparent conflict, grandma, grandpaThe breakable decor found in every grandparents' house ozalee.fr/Flickr

"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.

Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down

Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.

"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."

A visit at the grandparents' house is often not a fun catch-up time for mom and dad. It's rare to get to sit down and have an adult conversation when they're busy trying to play Safety Police. It's common to leave one of these visits frustrating and like it wasn't really a visit at all.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems

Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.

It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath. In the case of the OP mom and her parents that are "just" 30 minutes away, that's an entire hour of just driving, not counting any visiting time. If anyone's ever driven with young kids, you know that's an eternity! For a drive like that, you need snacks, you need entertainment. You may have to clean up spills, deal with traffic tantrums, or pull over to break up a fight. It's really a lot of work.

Naps and routines go to hell

Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.

Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night. You can and will try, bringing your little pack-and-play and your best intentions, but the process will be draining and probably unsuccessful.

And then guess what? You're totally screwed when you go home later, yay!

Kids with special needs require even more consistency

Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors. This adds even more stress to parents and makes the visits even less fun and satisfying in the end.

Explaining and mediating the generational divide

parents, parenting, moms, dads, grandparents, millennial grandparents, gen x, boomers, grandparent conflict, grandma, grandpaIt may be hard to navigate, but a positive child-grandparent relationship is such a powerful thing. Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash

Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?

Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?

Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.

"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.

But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!

Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.

"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.

"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."

Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?

"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.

"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."

Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids. We all have the same goal. Just look at how incredible it can be when everything goes right:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."

Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.

This article was originally posted last year. It has been updated.

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'Words Whispered to a Child Under Siege' is a powerful poem about parenting in a war zone

Joseph Fasano's heartbreaking poem speaks volumes about our shared humanity.

Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

How does a father keep a child comforted and quiet while under siege?

I've never been in a war zone, but as a mother of three, I've pictured it. Any time I read a news story about a part of the world that's exploded into violence, I imagine what it must be like for parents—especially those with small children—living through it. How do they explain what's happening? How do they comfort their kids when they themselves are terrified? How do they shield their children not only from unthinkable atrocity but from fear itself?

Joseph Fasano's poem "Words Whispered to a Child Under Siege" hits at the heart of those questions in a scenario that has played out countless times throughout human history. The poem's narrator is a father trying to comfort his child while they hide from soldiers in their house, and the way he makes a game out of it highlights the lengths parents will go to help children feel safe, even when they objectively aren't.

Fasano shared the poem on social media and it has been shared tens of thousands of time from different accounts. As one page warned, "Prepare your heart before reading." It's solid advice, though it's hard to know how to prepare for it.

The poem reads:

No, we are not going to die.

The sounds you hear

knocking the windows and chipping the paint

from the ceiling, that is a game

the world is playing.

Our task is to crouch in the dark as long as we can

and count the beats of our own hearts.

Good. Like that. Lay your hand

on my heart and I'll lay mine on yours.

Which one of us wins

is the one who loves the game the most

while it lasts.

Yes, it is going to last.

You can use your ear instead of your hand.

Here, on my heart.

Why is it beating faster? For you. That's all.

I always wanted you to be born

and so did the world.

No, those aren't a stranger's bootsteps in the house.

Yes, I'm here. We're safe.

Remember chess? Remember

hide-and-seek?

The song your mother sang? Let's sing that one.

She's still with us, yes. But you have to sing

without making a sound. She'd like that.

No, those aren't bootsteps.

Sing. Sing louder.

Those aren't bootsteps.

Let me show you how I cried when you were born.

Those aren't bootsteps.

Those aren't sirens.

Those aren't flames.

Close your eyes. Like chess. Like hide-and-seek.

When the game is done you get another life.

- Joseph Fasano

Fasano wrote in Instagram, "I hope these words do what words can do sometimes." They did, judging by the comment section:

"Gorgeously gut wrenching poem to read, and difficult to wrap our minds around the idea that this is and has been far too many people’s reality…I’ve been a fan of your poems for a while. You provide the perfect example I can show my students of how art and writing help us maintain our humanity ❤️"

"Thank you, Mr. Fasano. I have been walking around unable to make sense of anything that is happening in the world and I feel myself shutting down. Your words give voice to everything that I cannot find the words for. Thank you for your poetry. Thank you for sharing."

"Thank you for this tender and horrifying poem at such a time as this. How necessary your words are."

Poetry has a way of saying so much in so few words. Here we see a father's translating his frightened heartbeat and tears of terror into love for his child. We see him calling upon the child's mother as a way to comfort in an impossible situation. We see him blatantly lying—"You're safe. Those aren't bootsteps. Those aren't flames," all to keep his child from being afraid.

And the fact that this could be any father in any war zone in any place and time is a heartbreaking reminder of our shared humanity.

No matter the conflict or the rationale behind it, innocent people are the primary victims of war and children always pay the biggest price. When tensions and passions run high, we must remember this: Wars don't break out between average citizens just trying to live their lives in peace. War is a fight between powers, with men in safe rooms ordering less powerful men to take up arms against their fellow human beings. Average citizens don't want any part of these conflicts—they just want to take their kids to the park, talk about their days over family dinner and not worry about what games to play with their children if or when the bombs and boots start dropping.

You can find more of Joseph Fasano's poetry on Instagram and X (formerly Twitter), and you can pre-order his book, "The Magic Words: Simple Poetry Prompts That Unlock the Creativity in Everyone," here.

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Planet

Why the World Food Programme's 2020 Nobel Peace Prize is totally deserved

Upworthy/WFP/Facebook

Editor's Note: Over the past year Upworthy's parent company was a proud partner with the WFP using our platform to share stories of their fight against hunger around the world.

Out of 318 candidates, including youth climate activist Greta Thunberg and President Donald Trump, the Nobel Peace Prize for 2020 has been awarded to the World Food Programme (WFP) "for its efforts to combat hunger, for its contribution to bettering conditions for peace in conflict-affected areas and for acting as a driving force in efforts to prevent the use of hunger as a weapon of war and conflict."

Having written about the work of WFP for Upworthy, this news warmed my heart. From researching WFP's efforts to battle gender inequality with food security to reading their educational materials on how climate change impacts hunger and causes forced migration, I was blown away by the broad scope of what they do. As I dug in further and saw the various informational videos put together by my colleagues, the clearer it became that tackling hunger totally requires that kind of scope. Hunger is a multifaceted issue that impacts everything—including war and conflict—and our world will never be at peace if this most fundamental need is not being met for millions.

The World Food Programme is the largest organization addressing hunger and food insecurity in the world. According to the Nobel committee press release, "the WFP provided assistance to close to 100 million people in 88 countries who are victims of acute food insecurity and hunger" in 2019. The committee pointed out that there has been an increase in acute hunger in recent years, with most of that increase being caused by war and armed conflict.

And of course, the pandemic is only making things worse.

The Nobel committee says that they want this award "to turn the eyes of the world towards the millions of people who suffer from or face the threat of hunger." They also point to the need for supporting organizations like WFP financially, making the direct connection between hunger and conflict:

"The world is in danger of experiencing a hunger crisis of inconceivable proportions if the World Food Programme and other food assistance organisations do not receive the financial support they have requested.

The link between hunger and armed conflict is a vicious circle: war and conflict can cause food insecurity and hunger, just as hunger and food insecurity can cause latent conflicts to flare up and trigger the use of violence. We will never achieve the goal of zero hunger unless we also put an end to war and armed conflict.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee wishes to emphasise that providing assistance to increase food security not only prevents hunger, but can also help to improve prospects for stability and peace."

While every sincere effort to create peace deserves praise, peacemaking is a far more complex endeavor than signing pieces of paper. Addressing the root causes of war and conflict, understanding the connections between the various challenges facing humanity, and making sure people have what they need so they don't have to fight for survival are all necessary components of creating a peaceful world for all.

Congratulations to World Food Programme for this well-deserved honor. Hopefully this prestigious recognition will lead more people to explore the issues of hunger and food security and support programs and solutions that are proving to be successful.

Learn more about the work of the World Food Programme at wfp.org and wfpusa.org.

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Jimmy Kimmel appealed directly to Trump voters during his monologue.

It's a bold plan, but it might just work.

The third time wasn't the charm for President Donald Trump when it came to addressing what happened in Charlottesville over the weekend.

People across the political spectrum were stunned with what amounted to a full-throated defense of white nationalists. The New York Post's John Podhoretz called it "horrifying," CNN's Chris Cillizza warned that the speech signaled that Trump's presidency could be "headed to a very dark place," and a number of Republican members of Congress publicly distanced themselves from the president after his impromptu press conference in the Trump Tower lobby.

Also, it's not a reporter's job to say something was "nice." Come on, man. GIFs from Jimmy Kimmel Live/YouTube.

Late night talk show hosts once again got in on the action of criticizing Trump's comments, but Jimmy Kimmel took a somewhat unique approach.

He began with what we all know: that Trump is volatile and at times, can seem "unhinged." He got in some substantial criticism of Trump's comments, such as Trump's claim that there were "very fine people on both sides" of the Charlottesville protest.

"If you're with a group of people chanting things like, 'Jews will not replace us!' and you don't immediately leave that group, you are not a 'very fine person,'" Kimmel said.

That's when Kimmel pivoted, choosing not to simply preach to the choir of "smug, annoying liberals," but instead addressing Trump voters directly.

"I get it. I actually do," he said, offering empathy for people who felt so disaffected by the political system in the U.S. that they just wanted to "shake this Etch-a-Sketch hard and start over" with a political neophyte like Trump. But what does not make sense is why so many are continuing to stick by his side.

Since taking office, Trump's threatened a number of countries via Twitter, called the media the "enemy," skirted nepotism laws, launched a bogus "voter fraud" investigation, repeatedly confused the concept of health insurance with life insurance, divulged classified information to the Russians during an Oval Office meeting, endorsed police brutality, and so much more.

This probably isn't what Trump voters actually voted for, and Kimmel gets that. He urged Trump voters to "treat the situation like you would if you'd put 'Star Wars' wallpaper in the kitchen: 'All right, I got caught up. I was excited. I made a mistake, and now it needs to go.'"

Trump voters: your voices matter, especially right now. He needs to hear from you.

Urge him to take the job seriously. This is not a vanity project to earn him praise. People's lives are at stake.

But if appealing to vanity is the only way to get through to him, well, Kimmel has a tongue-in-cheek solution to that as well: King Trump.

The whole segment is great and is worth a watch by everyone across the political spectrum. We're all in this together.

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