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How parents who are overly critical of others unknowingly crush their children's self-esteem

A mindfulness influencer has a great point about how kids internalize their parents' attitudes.

via BigSisCasey/Instagram (Used with permission)

Casey Smith explains her emotionally immature parents on Instagram.

Have you ever had a friend who loves to gossip and criticize other friends in your group? Did that make you think, “Gee, when I’m not around, I bet they say bad things about me, too?” Well, if that was your takeaway, you’re probably right. Unfortunately, children often make the same connection when they have overly-critical parents, and it can cause them myriad psychological problems.

One such child of highly critical parents, Casey Smith, who goes by the name @BigSisCasey on TikTok and Instagram, recently shared why it took years to connect between her parents’ negativity and her fear of rejection. Casey Smith is a wellness influencer on TikTok and host of the "It's Not Normal" podcast.

“My parents would constantly comment on and criticize others, whether it was the way that someone dressed, the shape of their nose, the way they sounded when they sang a song, or their hairline,” Smith recalls. “But it didn't stop there. I distinctly remember my parents throughout my childhood and my teenage years commenting on the part in my hair. They didn't like how skinny I was. Calling me flat as a board, mocking the way that I pronounce different words if they differed from the way my parent pronounce those words, and criticizing my taste in music and shows.”



Smith says that her parents' immature judgment of others made her feel like they were also silently judging her, too. “I think it causes us to internalize a lot of this criticism and to interpret our parents' attitude as a reflection of how they secretly or not so secretly maybe view us,” Smith revealed. She was also rewarded her for joining them in judging others.

“I remember when I was a kid sort of sharing in my parents' criticism and becoming critical of others myself because the more I was like my parents, the more my parents seem to like me,” she continued. Smith goes on to say that being around her hypercritical parents led to a fear of rejection and people-pleasing behaviors.

Upworthy spoke with Smith about her parents, and she ventured to guess why they were so emotionally immature. "If I had to venture a guess, it’s likely that my parents’ insecurities stem from their own unresolved trauma and their resulting need for control," Smith told Upworthy. "It’s common, I’ve learned, for adults who felt powerless throughout childhood to go to great lengths to achieve and maintain a position of power and authority in adulthood. As I got older, I became more independent, my independence, I think, was perceived as a threat to them. Their emotional limitations are a result of their unwillingness to develop the skills necessary for healthy communication, unconditional love, and mutual respect between a parent and their adult child. These limitations lead to fear—fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and often lead to more toxic behavior."



Smith realized her parents' behavior was unhealthy at 21 after meeting her husband. "I felt as though I couldn’t do anything, completely suffocated, and it was then that I realized how unhealthy it all was, that I had been enduring emotional abuse for quite some time," she told Upworthy. "From that point on, I slowly started gaining perspective and began the process of unlearning all of the toxic traits I was taught throughout my childhood."

The post resonated with many of Smith's followers who were also raised by hypercritical parents. “I always thought everyone was judging me because my mom was always making negative comments about people,” one commenter noted. “My dad would comment on every little detail of a stranger. Like, things I legitimately didn't even notice until he pointed it out. So naturally, now I think everyone is judging my every flaw,” another added.

“It's like preemptive self-defense. If you think people are judging you for something, judging them even before they voice it feels like you have control, but you'll never feel good about yourself,” a commenter wrote.

critical parents, judgmental, beratingAn angry woman judging people.via Canva/Photos

Anyone who has hypercritical parents should seek professional help to overcome the psychological damage and develop a healthier sense of self. Barbara Greenberg, PhD., suggests that the journey begins with self-acceptance. “Begin to learn to appreciate yourself. Make a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Also, give yourself permission to make mistakes. This is part of the human experience. We all need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and get back into the game of life. Disappointment is okay, but tearing yourself down is not,” she writes in Psychology Today.

It’s unfortunate that Smith had to deal with hypercritical parents and spent many years feeling inadequate because of it. But over half a million people have seen her video, so hopefully, it will inspire some people to realize the pain that immature parents can cause, and they can work to break the cycle.

Jeff Bezos at Amazon Spheres Grand Opening in Seattle.

Amazon and Blue Origin CEO Jeff Bezos recently sat with podcaster Lex Fridman for a rare, long-form interview. Over 2-plus hours, he discussed his thinking process, space exploration, Day 1 mentality, Amazon principles, morning routines and more.

During the conversation, Bezos shared some insights into his work philosophy and one big takeaway was his belief in always speaking last in meetings. The advice is helpful for anyone, whether they want to be a better leader or more persuasive in social situations.

The strategy makes a lot of sense for Bezos. As one of the most influential and successful business leaders in American history, it has to be hard to get an honest opinion from your team when you have such an incredible record of success.

When Bezos speaks first in a meeting, it can significantly affect the feedback he gets from his team.


“In every meeting I attend, I always speak last,” Bezos told Fridman. “I know, from experience, if I speak first, even very strong-willed, highly intelligent, high-judgment participants in that meeting will wonder, ‘If Jeff thinks that? I came into this meeting thinking one thing, but maybe I'm not right.’”

“If you're the most senior person in the room, go last,” Bezos continued. “Let everyone else go first. Ideally, have the most junior person go first—try to go in order of seniority—so that you can hear everyone's opinion in an unfiltered way. Someone you really respect says something? It makes you change your mind a little.”

Executive leadership coach Hortense Le Gentil, author of The Unlocked Leader, agrees with Bezo’s approach to leadership and believes that it allows people to become better listeners, which can help them in all facets of their lives.

“Leaders who keep practicing becoming better listeners develop deeper and stronger connections with their teams, which in turn contributes to boosting their engagement and performance,” Le Gentil writes for Fast Company.

Personal Grown Blogger Brian Walsh says that when we speak last, we give greater accountability to the people we communicate with, whether it’s family, a sports team, a community organization, or coworkers.

“Let’s say you have an idea that you think is best and that you want to be implemented,” Walsh writes at An Insight Into Life. “By speaking first, it may result in people feeling like they are being told what to do, removing them from the creation process. However, you wait until everyone else has spoken and find that someone else also has the same idea. Now by allowing them to suggest it and by agreeing with them, they feel like it is their own.”

“This can also be applied to our personal lives,” Walsh continues. “If you are arguing with someone, they often don’t hear what you are suggesting because their emotions have taken over, and you trying to correct them just adds fuel to the fire. Allow them to talk and keep your suggestions to yourself.”

Although Bezos framed his advice around choosing when to speak, the more important lesson may be deciding when to listen. Being a great listener is valuable because it’s a hard skill to develop. It’s not just about hearing what someone’s saying but understanding, empathizing and withholding judgment at the same time.

Being a good listener is the key to connecting with others, but it’s also a vital tool in personal growth. You can’t learn if you can’t listen.