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Are you a 'passenger' or 'driver' in conversation? Here's why you need to be both.

Communication expert Vanessa Van Edwards explains this helpful analogy, and how to use it to your advantage.

Photo credit: Canva

We need both in ordr for a conversation to shine.

It’s fascinating how being social is so deeply ingrained in our DNA. Yet, many of us struggle to have truly impactful, engaging, or at the very least enjoyable conversations with one another.

Of course, we need not blame ourselves for this dilemma. Aside from giving the occasional problem child a note on their report card stating “doesn’t get along well with others,” special skills aren’t necessarily taught to us from a young age. That, and we live in a world with fewer and fewer inherent opportunities to connect, coupled with the fact that we attribute labels like “introverted” or “shy” that imply it goes against a person’s very nature to strike up any small talk. Which might be partially true, and thus ultimately limiting.

Thankfully, the Internet is filled to the brim with expert-backed tips and tricks that can make this conundrum a little easier (we should know—we’ve indeed written quite a few pieces on the subject).

This brings us to the “driver and passenger” conversation analogy, something coined by communications expert Vanessa Van Edwards.

Vanessa Van Edwards , diary of a ceo, conversation, communication, small talk, social skills, conversation starters, introvert Two people in a car.Photo credit: Canva

Essentially, a “driver” is the person steering the conversation, while the passenger is simply along for the ride. Think of someone (driver) retelling the plot of a movie they just saw while the listener (passenger) “oos” and “ahs.”

Each role provides a necessary function, but each has strong and weak characteristics. Bad drivers, for example, might dominate a conversation and talk constantly on autopilot, creating tension.

Similarly, bad passengers might stay silent and contribute nothing to the conversation, making it equally uncomfortable.

Vanessa Van Edwards , diary of a ceo, conversation, communication, small talk, social skills, conversation starters, introvert Example of a bad driver, versus a bad passenger.Photo credit: Canva

On the other hand, good drivers are adept at “including everyone at their comfort level,” and great passengers “listen intently.”

As you can probably surmise, most of us instinctively gravitate towards either driver or passenger most of the time. If you lean towards being more extroverted, you likely tend to drive conversations. And if you’re most introverted, you might prefer to be a passenger, sitting back to let someone else dictate where things go.

But what happens when two extroverts meet and talk over one another because they only know how to drive? Or when two passenger introverts struggle to steer the dialogue at all? The importance of being able to handle both positions becomes ever clearer.

As Van Edwards explains, there are key scenarios where it might be better to assume a specific role. When you’re in a setting in which you don’t know anyone, being a passenger is optimal. When you’re in a group and are familiar with most of the people, being a driver is often the best option.

Bottom line, as Van Edwards, “You have permission. You are in control of which role you want.”

- YouTube youtube.com

Just like any good road trip, the best conversation happens when someone keeps things moving forward, and someone else manages the vibes. Each person knows their job and contributes intentionally. And they each know to switch places at the next pit stop.

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Couple's viral Elvis wedding shows what happens when an extrovert marries an introvert

The minute she began belting he was fleeing the scene.

@ortaledri/TikTok

Proof that opposites attract.

A video of a Vegas wedding, wherein a bride appears to be chasing down her groom while belting out Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You,” not only went mega-viral on social media, it incited a perpetual flurry of negative comments.

Upon first glance, perhaps some of the conclusions people jumped to were understandable. First off, you’ve got a Vegas wedding, Elvis and all—which tends to lend itself to the stereotype of rushed or even forced nuptials.

Second, even in the onscreen text, the bride wrote “you decided to surprise your camera-shy husband with a wedding song and you had to chase him down the chapel because he disappeared on you."

With these factors in mind, it’s no wonder that people saw the little-over-a-minute-long clip and thought the husband might not want to be part of the ceremony at all, or that the wife was pressuring him in some way.

Watch:

@ortaledri Surprising my shy husband with his favorite Elvis song at our Vegas wedding ended up Elvis enjoyed it more 😭 #canthelpfallinginlove #elvis #wedding #elvispresley ♬ original sound - Ortal Edri

Needless to say, comments looked a little something like this:

“Bro looks like he would rather be in a dentist’s chair..!”

“Poor guy looks so uncomfortable.”

“This looks like his worst nightmare.”

“Is he marrying you willingly?”

However, after talking to Ortal Edri and Shamir Fink—the bride and groom, respectively—folks might be compelled to think that nothing all that questionable was going on at all. Rather, it was simply a case of an extrovert marrying an introvert (something many of us can relate to).

Turns out, both Edri and Fink met making music (Edri is a professional singer and Fink a producer). For over twelve years, they’ve been recording out of their Blue Fire Studio, where they work as a team. Edri told Upworthy that for every live performance she does, Fink is there with her, running sound.

Having only a few days to prepare, Edri, who knew she wanted to surprise Fink by singing at the ceremony, chose to sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love” to honor Fink’s late father, who was a “big fan of Elvis and loved that song” according to Today.

On the big day, Edri recalls that there were nerves, excitement (and drinks) involved, for both parties. But she went on with the surprise as planned, and tried to “take the lead” to “ease the pressure” from her groom, who was already a little "overwhelmed."

Fink, who normally stays far away from the spotlight, was reacting more to being filmed than anything else. It was the first time he has been in a video with Edri, after all.

Knowing this, the clip tells a slightly different story. After all, it’s not uncommon for introverts and extroverts to be attracted to the opposing energies of their partners. As psychologist and podcaster Abby Medcalf PhD explains, the challenge normally is found in maintaining the relationship since each person has “different wants and needs.” One partner wants to go out when the other wants to stay at home, for example. Or in this case, one partner wants to be center stage with a mic in hand and the other wants to stay behind the scenes.

However, Medcalf says that harmony is established when partners don’t try to change each other, but instead make agreements and/or compromises that honor those differences. Part of that might mean getting out of our respective social comfort zone from time to time.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

While Edri noted that the video did receive a lot of hate, she and Fink also received an “incredible amount of support, love, and encouragement.”

“Many people, especially couples who are opposites, connected to the video and told us how much it made them smile. It was a great reminder that opposites really do complement each other. If we were both the type to want the spotlight, it probably wouldn’t work!”

Just goes to show that a small video never tells the whole story. For other introvert/extrovert relationships out there—the world might not understand, but as long as you understand each other, that’s what counts.

As for Edri and Fink—they are currently working on a debut album. Follow them on TikTok and Instagram to know when it’s released.














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Researchers reveal that the one key to happiness might not be what you thought

"The single strongest predictor of happiness isn't purpose at all."

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

Women happily frolic together amidst sunflowers.

For so long, many people have conflated the search for life's meaning with happiness. Perhaps you've seen the lonely monk in a movie, sitting atop a mountain meditating and looking for answers in solitude. While this is all very well and good (it actually really is in terms of well-being,) it simply doesn't translate to being "happy."

monk, meditation, mountain, Buddhism, searching A monk sits on top of a mountain. pxhere.com

In the "Purpose-Happiness Connection" in Psychology Today, author Jordan Grumet M.D. poses this question: "What if the key to happiness isn’t what we’ve been told?"

He then shares that for years, we believed that "finding a deep purpose in life is essential to happiness." But as it turns out, it's much simpler than that. The true key to happiness is…connection.

"One of the most robust studies on happiness, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has tracked participants for more than 80 years, found that the single strongest predictor of happiness isn’t purpose at all—it’s relationships."

Neuroscientist, professor, and podcast host of The Huberman Lab, Andrew Huberman is a big believer that changing one's behavior can change their thought patterns, leading to a happier brain. He interviews Dr. Laurie Santos, a professor of psychology at Yale, who states the thing you DON'T have to do is "change your circumstances." (Because well, you can't.) "Quintupling your income is tricky, moving is tricky, switching your life around all over the place is hard. And the good news is science shows you don’t have to do that. That doesn't work as well as you'd think."

"But," she says, "you can hack your behaviors and your thought patterns and your feelings to get good results. Let's talk behaviors: one of the biggest behavioral changes you can make to feel happier? Is just to get a little more social connection."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com, The Huberman Lab podcast

She continues, "Psychologists do these fun studies where they look at people's daily usage patterns. So like how much time are you spending sleeping or exercising or at work or whatever. And the two things that predict whether you're happy or not so happy is how much time you spend with friends and family members. And how much time you're just physically around other people. The more of that you do, the happier you're gonna be."

In a piece on Vox, author and writer Olga Khazan suggests that this might be bad news for some introverts. She notes a few studies on the topic, one which claims that "people who are extroverted as teenagers remain happier even when they’re 60."

It isn't that extroverts are always chattier or more attention-seeking. (As an easily drained extrovert myself, I can tell you that's not true.) It's that their energy is drawn from contact with people. With DOING things. With, that's right…connection.


introversion, reading a book, solitude, alone-time, contentA cartoon sloth reads a book alone.Giphy, GIF by SLOTHILDA

Khazan shares, "Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist who has studied this phenomenon, says it’s worth focusing less on the 'extrovert' part of this and more on the fact that these individuals are more enmeshed in community. Connection is really the key to happiness." Lyubomirsky says there's hope for all. "And there are ways to square your natural introversion with the universal human need for connection. You don’t have to mingle with everyone at the office party, for instance. You can just call a trusted friend for a one-on-one conversation. Even hanging out with others and listening more than you talk can be a form of extroversion."

Grumet suggests ways to step out of one's routine no matter how one gives or receives energy. "Love painting? Join an art group. Passionate about fitness? Start working out with others. Fascinated by a niche topic? Write about it, talk about it, and connect with others who care about it, too."




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A woman joked that she need a 'cry room.' So her husband built one for her.

Their designer friend Rachel helped draw up a plan.

Images via Canva

A woman said she needed a crying room so her husband built one

For most of us, the world can seem chaotic. With the influx of a 24-hour news cycle, constant social media scrolling, and the day-to-day fires we're so often putting out, we need an anxiety-reducing space to help us take it down a notch. Interior designers have taken note and have begun creating "Wellness Rooms"–with "introvert nooks" as the latest trend.

Think smaller and cozier, surrounded by warm and inviting items, specifically curated for each person. In the same way Dachshunds like to burrow under the covers, a lot of humans do too—at least in a metaphorical sense. Interior designers have definitely taken this into account.

In the Associated Press article, "Wellness Rooms Are Claiming Space in Many Homes," author Kim Cook writes, "We’re seeing rooms transformed into sanctuaries of self-care." She shares the thoughts of Dallas designer Gonzalo Bueno, who says, "Music rooms, meditation rooms, and Zen gardens are some of the wellness spaces we’ve designed recently. Spaces for wellness, retreat, and recharging are all really popular right now."

Bueno notes in the article that these spaces can be serene like a spa or have a bit more energy to them. "We’re designing more music rooms, which isn’t surprising since music is so healing."

Also popular? Introvert nooks. On the lifestyle site Cup of Jo, founder and editor Joanna Goddard shares a letter from a reader named Kristen, who was feeling overwhelmed. In the letter, she writes, "I’m an introvert with a husband and four kids, so I’m always trying to find a space where I can be alone. I joked to my husband that if we could move the back wall of our bedroom forward, we could create a tiny room for me. For my 40th birthday, he did it!"

After a follow-up phone call, Kristen revealed to Joanna, "I was crying a lot but didn’t want to cry in front of my kids. I told my husband, 'I need a cry room,' and I joked that we could move the wall up in our bedroom and create a little nook."

Kristen said she also addressed her underlying depression and anxiety with a therapist. But, her husband Jeff never forgot her initial request. She shares that the night before her 40th birthday, Jeff pulled out a card. “The front said, ‘You’re my human panic room,' and inside he had written, ‘But you might need one of your own.'” Their designer friend, Rachel, had drawn up a plan, which Jeff included in the card.

What came to be was her own tiny (mostly) private nook, accessible through a hidden door in their bookshelf. There, she can read and knit sweaters under an "Over the Rainbow" sign made by her brother. There's an entire wall adorned with cards and notes. Kristen told Joanna, "I saw that Drew Barrymore had something like that, and I’m a big words-of-affirmation person. I have so many from my kids when they were little, like ‘Happy Mother’s Day,’ but they couldn’t spell it."

There are plenty of others sharing similar cozy spaces. On TikTok (and among many interior designers), it also became known as the "Rest Corner Trend." In a 2024 article for The Spruce, writer Shagun Khare's discusses how nuanced and personal each space is. How the colors, materials of the fabrics, and, of course, layout, are all paramount to finding the relaxing space that's right for each individual.

@theintrovertedition

will literally never get over this corner of my library, peak coziness just in time for the holidays 🎄🎀✨ #booktok #homelibrary #christmas #pinkmas

She also cites designer Amy Courtney, who shares, "Cozy corners have become more than just a trend—they're a necessity. This trend will last because it aligns perfectly with the wellness movement, encouraging us to take a step back and find balance in our lives."

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