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Mental Health

Researchers reveal that the one key to happiness might not be what you thought

"The single strongest predictor of happiness isn't purpose at all."

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

Women happily frolic together amidst sunflowers.

For so long, many people have conflated the search for life's meaning with happiness. Perhaps you've seen the lonely monk in a movie, sitting atop a mountain meditating and looking for answers in solitude. While this is all very well and good (it actually really is in terms of well-being,) it simply doesn't translate to being "happy."

monk, meditation, mountain, Buddhism, searching A monk sits on top of a mountain. pxhere.com

In the "Purpose-Happiness Connection" in Psychology Today, author Jordan Grumet M.D. poses this question: "What if the key to happiness isn’t what we’ve been told?"

He then shares that for years, we believed that "finding a deep purpose in life is essential to happiness." But as it turns out, it's much simpler than that. The true key to happiness is…connection.

"One of the most robust studies on happiness, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has tracked participants for more than 80 years, found that the single strongest predictor of happiness isn’t purpose at all—it’s relationships."

Neuroscientist, professor, and podcast host of The Huberman Lab, Andrew Huberman is a big believer that changing one's behavior can change their thought patterns, leading to a happier brain. He interviews Dr. Laurie Santos, a professor of psychology at Yale, who states the thing you DON'T have to do is "change your circumstances." (Because well, you can't.) "Quintupling your income is tricky, moving is tricky, switching your life around all over the place is hard. And the good news is science shows you don’t have to do that. That doesn't work as well as you'd think."

"But," she says, "you can hack your behaviors and your thought patterns and your feelings to get good results. Let's talk behaviors: one of the biggest behavioral changes you can make to feel happier? Is just to get a little more social connection."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com, The Huberman Lab podcast

She continues, "Psychologists do these fun studies where they look at people's daily usage patterns. So like how much time are you spending sleeping or exercising or at work or whatever. And the two things that predict whether you're happy or not so happy is how much time you spend with friends and family members. And how much time you're just physically around other people. The more of that you do, the happier you're gonna be."

In a piece on Vox, author and writer Olga Khazan suggests that this might be bad news for some introverts. She notes a few studies on the topic, one which claims that "people who are extroverted as teenagers remain happier even when they’re 60."

It isn't that extroverts are always chattier or more attention-seeking. (As an easily drained extrovert myself, I can tell you that's not true.) It's that their energy is drawn from contact with people. With DOING things. With, that's right…connection.


introversion, reading a book, solitude, alone-time, contentA cartoon sloth reads a book alone.Giphy, GIF by SLOTHILDA

Khazan shares, "Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist who has studied this phenomenon, says it’s worth focusing less on the 'extrovert' part of this and more on the fact that these individuals are more enmeshed in community. Connection is really the key to happiness." Lyubomirsky says there's hope for all. "And there are ways to square your natural introversion with the universal human need for connection. You don’t have to mingle with everyone at the office party, for instance. You can just call a trusted friend for a one-on-one conversation. Even hanging out with others and listening more than you talk can be a form of extroversion."

Grumet suggests ways to step out of one's routine no matter how one gives or receives energy. "Love painting? Join an art group. Passionate about fitness? Start working out with others. Fascinated by a niche topic? Write about it, talk about it, and connect with others who care about it, too."




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Health

The 3-step Harvard conversation trick that makes shy people more likable

This will ease social anxiety at your next party.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a Harvard study revealed a simple 3-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then 2 follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up 2 times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

via Nicole Michalou/Pexels

“Think to yourself, I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation, or I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions. It’s easy to do, and — even better — requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves. It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

conversation, introverts, harvardTwo people talking at a party.via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The 3-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

party, conversastion tips, harvardSome folks having fun at a party.via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

How much should I talk in a conversation?

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask 2 follow-ups.


This article originally appeared in September.

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Culture

The real reason so many Americans eat lunch in their cars

It might look strange, and a little sad, but it's actually perfectly healthy.

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A person on Reddit recently noticed something funny going on at work. Many of their coworkers would choose to eat lunch in their cars instead of in the breakroom or other communal spaces.

"As an Asian immigrant, I find it very odd to see my American (mostly white) co-workers eating by themselves in their cars in the parking lot during lunch times," the user wrote. "I asked them to join my lunch group at the picnic tables but they declined with a straight face. Do most Americans not like to socialize during their lunch break?"

This is a question that comes up a lot. And I mean, a lot. It seems to be a huge point of cultural confusion for folks who weren't born and raised in America.

Curious minds really want to know!

I notice it all the time myself, and not just at meal times.

When I pull into parking lots, I'll often take a look around and find at least one of the cars next to me is occupied by someone who seems to be just sitting there.

So what's the deal: Why do Americans love eating or just sitting in their car alone?

People who eat alone in the car aren't being anti-social, and they're not sad and lonely. They just need a chance to recharge.

The introverts of Reddit were quick to educate the OP on what's really going on here.

The short answer? The modern world is incredibly over-stimulating for many of us, and even something that seems relaxing — like eating and chatting with coworkers — can be even more of a drain.

Eating lunch in the car might be the only peace and quiet we get all day.

Woman sitting alone in carUnsplash

"We tend to think of our lunch breaks as personal time to ourselves. Some people will want to eat lunch with coworkers, but others would rather listen to music, talk to family members, or read a book for example. Or just take a nap! People who are more introverted also tend to feel tired by being around people and recharged by being alone." - LarsAlereon

"For a lot of us, being social is emotionally draining. We do it as part of our jobs because we have to. When we have the opportunity to not have to be social, we take it." - ElbowDancer

"My car seats are a million times more comfortable than any other seating option at any job that doesn't involve sitting in a comfy car seat and I can watch videos in YouTube at a comfortable volume without worry about keeping it low enough to not bother other people and yet loud enough to hear myself." - Empty401K

"Introverts need to introvert." - 44035

Could people seek solitary time in other places? Sure. If you work in an office, you could eat at your desk, or maybe go to a nearby cafe or restaurant by yourself where you'd be free to put in headphones and tune out for a while.

But there's something special about the car. It's incredibly quiet (except for whatever music or podcast or TV show you decide to put on), comfortable, and your chances of being interrupted are extremely low. You have complete privacy (almost) and it feels like your own little bubble, completely isolated from the stresses of the outside world.

It's rare to find any other time or place during your day that can offer almost zero stimulation.

I do some of my best thinking in the car! Sometimes I'll sit or drive in silence and just think — hashing out problems, generating creative ideas, or planning what's next in the day. My brain seems to focus better in the silence and isolation of the car better than almost anywhere else.

Car lunch might be on the rise in a post-pandemic world. More people are recognizing their need to recharge, and that's a good thing.

Some people and experts theorize that COVID lockdowns resulted in many of us "becoming more introverted" or having a lower tolerance for and interest in socializing.

That could be a part of why we're seeing even more people eating in their cars now as offices continue to open up.

"During the pandemic, we got used to having more control over our work environments, even if they were at home, so transitioning back into office life might feel overwhelming. The car becomes a kind of 'portable personal space,' a middle ground between total isolation and constant socialization," says psychologist Caitlin Slavens.

There are also cultural factors to consider. American culture, for better or worse, prioritizes individuality over community.

"Culturally, Americans value productivity and individuality, so it makes sense that many prefer a brief personal escape over making small talk on their lunch break. In other cultures, communal eating is seen as a time to connect, but here, the balance often tips towards individual routines and personal comfort—even if that’s alone in a car," says Slavens.

A lot of people don't feel the need to get that sense of community and connection from their coworkers. We save that for our friends and family, which seems like a healthy boundary to me.

Eating alone, or just sitting by yourself, in the car is a perfectly healthy way to decompress and recharge. If you've never tried it, you might really like it — as funny as it can look! And if you notice other people doing it, just remember that they're probably not sad and waiting for an invite to lunch.

In fact, they may be feeling the happiest and most peaceful that they'll feel all day.




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Joy

Someone accidentally started a 'silent book club' and introverts are giddy over the idea

This is heaven for some of us.

Photo credit: Canva

Being social doesn't have to entail lots of talking.

Not all bookworms are introverts and not all introverts are bookworms, but it's probably safe to say there's significant overlap between the two. And while some introverted bookworms might enjoy a traditional book club where everyone reads the same book and discusses it at length, others might not. For some, that much forced talking isn't desirable, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't want some kind of social experience connecting them to other readers.

There's an ideal solution for those folks—the silent book club.

A user on Reddit (u/ccomplished_Arm3647) shared what a silent book club entails and how they accidentally created one at their local coffee shop:

"So, here's a funny little story about how I unintentionally created a new social group in my town. A few weeks ago, I was at my favorite coffee shop, deeply engrossed in a novel. An older gentleman approached me and asked what I was reading. We had a brief but lovely chat about books. The next week, I was there again with a different book. The same man showed up, this time with his own book. We nodded at each other, smiled, and went back to our reading. Week three: I arrive to find the man already there. He's brought a friend. They're both reading silently. I join them at their table, and we all read in comfortable silence for an hour. Fast forward to yesterday. I walk into the coffee shop, and there are TWELVE people scattered around, all silently reading books. The barista grins at me and says, 'Your club is getting pretty popular!' Apparently, word had spread about the 'Silent Book Club' that meets every Wednesday at 4 PM. People just show up, read whatever they want, and occasionally chat during coffee refill breaks. I've accidentally created the most introvert-friendly book club ever, and I'm happy about it."

Silent book clubs allow people to be sociable without having to be overly social

People are loving the idea:

"Omg this is the type of book club I can get behind!!!"

"Silent Book Club is the best idea anyone has ever had."

"This is the kind of book club I need. I want to be sociable but not that much by talking."

"Silence, books and coffee, I WANT this in my life."

Others shared that silent book clubs are an actual, organized thing in their local areas:

"We have a few Silent Book Clubs in my area. My local library started doing it twice a month. I love the coffee shop idea though."

"My town has a silent book club that's so popular you have to sign up for meetings so they don't overwhelm host locations. While this is exactly the sort of thing I'd enjoy, apparently having to preregister is too much for me."

"We had one of these in NC. We met for a social hour, then all read silently for an hour, then wrapped up with another socialization before leaving. We had 20 people at times. The waiters thought we were a hoot - sitting together but not talking for a bit. But we tipped well!"

"I didn't start it but I went to my first one of these in my town recently and it was wonderful, can't wait for the next one this week. Reckon every town should have one!"

"My local library does Adult Silent Reading hours with snacks, sounds pretty similar."

"I host one at the library! We call it BYOB!"

people in a coffee shop with booksSilent book club entails minimal chatting.Photo credit: Canva

"My local indie bookshop does this - we meet in a nearby pub, everyone brings whatever they want to read. We talk about what we’re reading for 30 mins, swapping ideas, then we read in silence for an hour. And have another 30 mins of chat after. So dedicated reading time!"

"This is so cool. In our country there was a silent reading event in a park, calling all book readers to come, find their own comfort and read together. No discussion, no chats, just people reading together in silence. People can come and go as they like."

There are established Silent Book Clubs people can join all over the world

There's actually a Silent Book Club organization that has more than 1,000 chapters in 50 countries. If you can't find one near where you live, you can start one of your own.

It might be hard for someone who enjoys talking to understand, but being sociable doesn't have to include a lot of conversation. Sometimes people want to be around others who share a common interest, even if that common interest is something being done as an individual and in silence. A little casual chatting about what books people are reading is more than enough for some folks; not everyone needs or wants a full-fledged book club discussion.

If you want to find an already established silent book club in your area, check out silentbook.club and enjoy an "introvert happy hour" with fellow readers.

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