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Trans man 'blindsided' by all the loneliness and suspicion that comes with being male

"I'm mourning the loss of a privilege I didn't even know I had."

Photo credit: Canva

This resonated with so many men.

Trans men and trans women have the unique experience of living life as more than one gender—and all the societal expectations and/or baggage that comes along with that. Their unique perspectives provide them with extremely valuable insights and opportunities for deep understanding—which, hopefully, provides those who are listening with newfound compassion for the struggle each sex endures.

Recently, a trans man opened up about the “culture shock” of navigating male loneliness, and shared how, if they had been forced to grow up with the often insidious messaging boys and men receive, it would have really damaged their psyche.

In a Reddit post, the man first got candid about the “social isolation” that comes from constantly being perceived as a "potential predator.”

It hurts
byu/InfinitePeeGlitch inCuratedTumblr

While he noted that “all strangers, no matter their gender, keep their guard up around me,” women in particular came across as “incredibly aloof, cold, and mirthless." He did add the disclaimer that, as someone who used to have to protect themselves in the same way, they understood where the “armor” was coming from (“women aren’t just being needlessly guard[ed]”). But, for those who had never experienced life as a woman, he could easily see how this type of behavior could be viewed as “a conspiracy" against the other sex.

“Even now, with all that I know about navigating the world as a woman, I’m failing to convince my monkey-brain that this armor isn’t social rejection.”

Then there’s the lack of "inherent camaraderie,” which is something the OP got to experience as a woman, but now, is hard won. “The fact that I don’t ambiently experience mutual kinship in basic exchanges anymore is an insanely lonely feeling,” he wrote, "I'm mourning the loss of a privilege I didn’t even know I had.”

He added that the only way it’s acceptable for men to share platonic intimacy with one another is in the “very specific environment” often portrayed by the media, in activities that involve “being teamed up against an opposing force.” Otherwise, that type of emotional connection makes men seem “soft” and triggers “garden variety homophobia.”

 male loneliness, male loneliness epidemic, trans, trans man, being a man, male friendships From CBS' 'Seal Team' media4.giphy.com  

This led the OP to this tragic conclusion: “The human species looks so much colder standing from this side.”

“It’s now blatantly clear to me that most cis men probably experience chronic emotional malnutrition. They're deprived of social connection just enough for it to seriously f**k with their psyches, but not enough for them to realize that it’s happening,” he wrote, adding that it certainly would have done a number on him mentally to have grown up that way.

This post resonated with so many well-meaning men who have dealt with some form of this loneliness and stigma their entire lives.

“It’s so weird, like, I remember really specifically the moment going from kid to teenager where I was seen as like… cute, or harmless, or whatever to a possible threat. And it genuinely, like, really, really, really fucks you up in a way that I don’t ever hear talked about. Which is nuts to me because it’s honestly one of the worst things that’s happened to me! And a guy tried to kill me once!”

“I'm a guy who's been on the other end of that situation. Once, girl of maybe 10-12 or so [was] alone in a big store and looking scared about being alone. I consider myself a generally good person and my instinct obviously is to go to her and try and help. I genuinely paused after a step, thinking how does a strange guy twice her age approaching in this situation make anything better? It kinda sucks that I have that thought.”

“Growing up I was a big crier…Members of my family and essentially every adult in my life tried to do literally everything they could to break me of that. I remember being punished and forced to do "masculine" things in middle school like wind sprints and burpees if I did…I was rewarded for being angry instead of crying… if I got upset and swore I wasn't punished at first because it was viewed as better than the alternative…It really messed me up and honestly it didn't help that I've had complicated thoughts about my own gender since I was really young.”

“I hate seeing people bristle up when I'm being genuinely friendly and helpful. On the one hand, I know that folks are shaped by their experiences and a lot of folks have had a bad time with guys who look and sound like me. On the other hand, I can't really help what I look like or where I grew up! One good thing is that this has caused me to think a lot more about my own biases.”

 male loneliness, male loneliness epidemic, trans, trans man, being a man, male friendships "It sucks to realize that just being naturally energetic, jolly, friendly, and boisterous intimidates smaller/more timid people when you're a guy.”Photo credit: Canva

“When you’ve lived under a system your whole life, learned and followed its rules of survival, and you don’t see any chance of it changing in your lifetime, it switches on a kind of coping mechanism convincing you that it’s somehow right.”

“I'm a large, loud, physically imposing man [think Hagrid with a slight cowboy vibe]... which means that I have learned to very intentionally ‘turn down’ my presence in social spaces so that people aren't freaked out. It sucks to realize that just being naturally energetic, jolly, friendly, and boisterous intimidates smaller/more timid people when you're a guy.”

“As someone who’s had to coach a newly transitioned guy that everyone just kinda doesn’t like you anymore for no discernible reason and that’s just how it is, yeah it must be a real shock to see stuff from the other side…Made me think about how different the female side of the world I live in must be. Maybe it’s a lot more open in some ways. Not like I’ll ever know though, got no choice but to play the cards I’ve been dealt.”

Still, there were a few that also offered some words of encouragement, by sharing how they were able to break through stigma, form their own friend groups, and develop emotional awareness in spite of it all.

“Practicing emotional reflection allowed me to have a more fulfilling relationship where I could immediately recognize and address how things made me feel bad before things got worse - not just with my SO, but with friends, too. Thankfully, I think society's getting a lot better at recognizing mental health struggles, including the importance of men being able to recognize the value of addressing their emotional needs.”

“Genuinely, texting your boys ‘I love you’ makes an enormous difference. Carve out a space of care if the world will not.”

 men, male loneliness, trans man, transgender, friendship Two men huggingPhoto credit: Canva

“I experience a lot of what is described here. That said, this whole thread is making me feel even more thankful for the friend group I had. Large, all-male group of mostly cishet men. I'm usually the only one who will say ‘I love you’ first, but they'll all hug me, tell me how much they admire me and appreciate being my friend, talk about their feelings and ask and care about mine. This is not to brag, but to tell men that you can have this, and you can be this.”

If only we could all walk in another's shoes, empathy would be easier to come by. We'd have a visceral understanding that the world is tough for everyone, and arguably, unnecessarily so. But stories like these can be powerful reminders all the same.

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Identity

The note said she didn't deserve her promotion. Here's her mic-drop response.

From a girl who went to MIT anyway.

This story first appeared on the author's Medium and is reprinted here with permission.

Because you're a girl.

I was promoted a few weeks ago, which was great. I got a lot of nice notes from friends, family, customers, partners, and random strangers, which was exciting.

But it wasn't long until a note came in saying, “Everyone knows you got the position because you're a girl." In spite of having a great week at a great company with great people whom I love, that still stung, because it's not the first time I've heard it.

Every woman who works in tech—heck, likely every woman on Earth—hears “because you're a girl" dozens, if not thousands, of times in her life.

It starts young, of course:

Why can't I join that team? Because you're a girl.

Why can't I study physics? Because you're a girl.

Then, the comments age with you.

Why can't I manage that project? Because you're a girl.

Why can't I join that group? Because you're a girl.

And after you've reached any level of attainment in a profession you love, the comments are used to minimize your success.

Why did you get that award? Because you're a girl.

Why were you chosen to participate in that class? Because you're a girl.

Like so many women before me, I have shaken off the comment.

I've gotten angry. I've gotten sad. I've doubted myself and my abilities. I've ignored it entirely. I've challenged it. I've recruited support from men and women I respect. Yet every time it stays there in the back of my mind, screaming for attention after every failure or setback.

But today is the day I've decided to change that.

I did, in fact, get the job because I'm a girl.

A girl who was called "bossy" growing up.

A girl who wasn't afraid to play with the boys.

A girl who didn't hesitate to raise her hand if she knew the answer.

A girl who stood up for other kids.

A girl who was always the first one to volleyball practice and the last to leave.

A girl who was told she was too assertive and aggressive to advance in her career.

A girl who went to MIT anyway.

A girl who asked her company to do more on diversity and inclusion and won't stop pushing until it's truly remarkable.

A girl who has made big mistakes, both personal and professional.

A girl who swings for the fences even when no one is watching.

A girl who puts in hours when other people are asleep

A girl who tells young girls how smart and strong they are.

A girl who hates to lose.

And a girl who won't stand silently while people still use “because you're a girl" as any limitation for girls who want to grow, challenge the status quo, and be something, anything, greater than society tells them they could or should.

So yeah. I guess you could say I got my job because I'm a girl, but not for any of the reasons you might think.

This story first appeared on the author's Medium and is reprinted here with permission.


This article originally appeared seven years ago.

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Health

Sweeping UN study finds that 9 out of 10 people worldwide are biased against women

In other words, 9 out of 10 people worldwide—both men and women—are biased against women in vital areas that impact the world in major ways.

Photo by Joe Gardner on Unsplash

It's easy to feel unseen.

In 2020, the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) released the Gender Social Norms Index , which offers a look at gender equality as measured by people's personal gender bias. The data, which was collected from 75 countries covering 81% of the world's population, found that 91% of men and 86% of women show at least one clear bias against women in the areas of politics, economics, education, and physical integrity.

In other words, 9 out of 10 people worldwide—both men and women—are biased against women in vital areas that impact the world in major ways. Splendid.

It would be easy to assume that these numbers are skewed by countries where women are blatantly oppressed, and that is somewhat true. However, a majority was found to hold no gender biases in just six of the 75 countries studied—and no, the U.S. was not among them. Nope, not Canada either.

Andorra, Australia, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, and Sweden were the only countries where a majority of people showed no clear gender bias. (Andorra came on way on top, with 73% of its population showing no bias—the only country to top 70%. Go Andorra.)

Where did the U.S. and Canada stand? According to the study, 43% of Americans hold no gender bias while Canada clocks in at 48%. Basically, if you're sitting in a stadium full of people as a woman in North America, half of the people you're looking at likely harbor some kind of clear bias against you. Same goes if you're a woman competing in a sport, giving a talk at a conference, or—ahem—running for public office.

Perhaps the most unnerving stats from the report are these:

- About 50% people—both men and women—think men make better political leaders than women

- About 40% of people think men make better business leaders than women

- Close to 50% of men believe that men have more right to a job than women

- About 30% believe that it's justifiable for a man to beat his intimate partner

Ummm, that last one? Holy moly.

two women sitting on beach facing ocean sunset

Being a women can feel isolating.

Photo by Briana Tozour on Unsplash

What's just as concerning is that despite decades of progress on women's rights, bias against women is increasing in some countries among both men and women. And this is the case even among some countries that scored well on the index. Bias in top-six country Sweden, for example, actually increased over the nine years the study covered.

"The share of both women and men worldwide with moderate to intense gender biases grew from 57 percent to 60 percent for women and from 70 percent to 71 percent for men," the report states, adding: "Surveys have shown that younger men may be even less committed to equality than their elders."

That last part is worth repeating. Evidence points to young men being less committed to gender equality than older generations. That is not good news for the future, folks.

Of course, we have made big strides across the globe in terms of increasing access to education, improving healthcare for women, and other areas. But women still don't have a place at most of the decision-making tables, and we obviously still have social norm hurdles to overcome to achieve true gender equality.

"We have come a long way in recent decades to ensure that women have the same access to life's basic needs as men," said Pedro Conceição, head of UNDP's Human Development Report Office. "We have reached parity in primary school enrollment and reduced maternal mortality by 45 percent since the year 1990. But gender gaps are still all too obvious in other areas, particularly those that challenge power relations and are most influential in actually achieving true equality. Today, the fight about gender equality is a story of bias and prejudices."

Results of the study indicate a backlash to the push for gender equality. Indeed, change is uncomfortable for many people and progress is often a two steps forward, one step back process. For sure, social norms are more complex and challenging to change than laws.

"Policymakers often focus on the tangible—on laws, policies, spending commitments, public statements and so on," the report states. "This is driven partly by the desire to measure impact and by sheer impatience with the slow pace of change. Yet neglecting the invisible power of norms would miss a deeper understanding of social change."

Social norms also directly impact progress made in all areas. Currently, no country in the world is on track to meet the gender equality goals by Sustainable Development Goal target of 2030. With stats like these, that's not shocking.

Clearly, something to keep in mind as we advocate for gender equality is how to effectively address people's core beliefs about women and equality in general. Legal progress without social progress is shaky at best, and true gender equality won't become reality unless people believe that it should.

It appears we have some serious work ahead of us on that front.


This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Science

Fascinating study suggests there is no such thing as a "male" or "female" brain

It's a great reminder that gendering activities and behaviors is a bunch of bunk.

Andriyko Podilnyk/Unsplash & David Matos/Unsplash

Are we more alike than we've been led to think?

Have you ever heard that women are "hardwired" to have better memories?

Or that men are "naturally" better at navigating?

Sure, they're just stereotypes, but they're coming from somewhere. And for a long time we've been led to believe that men's and women's brains are fundamentally different, so why couldn't blanket statements like these hold some truth?

British neuroscientist Gina Rippon, Emeritus Professor of Cognitive Neuroimaging at the Aston Braine Centre, Aston University and noted speaker on the subject of sex differences, offered a different idea in 2014. She believes these patterns are acquired through environmental factors—a woman could become great at multitasking because society expects her to be better at it, for example—not because of any innate wiring in her brain.

According to a 2015 study, research suggests her claims are correct.

A team led by researchers at Tel Aviv University in Israel recently concluded that there is no consistent difference between male and female brains.

A black and white brain scan from multiple anglesCould the "male" and "female" brains be a myth?Daniele Oberti/Flickr

The team, led by behavioral neuroscientist Daphna Joel, analyzed the MRI scans of 1,400 individuals, mapping things like gray matter (gooey stuff that handles sensation, emotion ... pretty much everything), white matter (the gooey stuff that carries messages between areas of gray matter), and a host of personality traits along the way.

What did they find?

That it's pretty dang rare for a given brain to demonstrate only male or female characteristics.

So next time someone says to you, "Women's brains do this" or "Men's brains behave like this," feel free to call B.S.

The plain truth is that our brains flat out can't be separated into two distinct gender categories.

Our brains, the researchers say, are more like "mosaics" — wonderful mixtures of the traits we usually associate with men or women.

That's not to say the study found no differences between the brains of men and women, but rather that a brain consisting of almost all male or female features was pretty uncommon, and that it'd be really tough to tell if a person were biologically male or female just by looking at their brain.

Yes, on average there are certain differences in brain size, connections between hemispheres, size of the hippocampus or amygdala.

But this particular study found you couldn't make any concrete predictions about how a person's brain would look or function just based on their biological sex.

Joel summed it up in a follow-up publication in 2021:

"Although there are group-level differences between men and women in brain structure, most brains are composed of unique mosaics of brain features, some in a form more common in women compared to men, and some in a form more common in men compared to women," she wrote.

"Moreover, the brain architectures typical of women are also typical of men, and vice versa... Sex category provides little information on an individual’s specific brain architecture or on how their brain is similar or different from someone else’s."

It's a great reminder that gendering activities and behaviors is a bunch of bunk.

If you're not looking at an individual person holistically for the things that make them them, you're doing it wrong

Better yet, The Washington Post writes that these findings are "a step towards validating the experiences of those who live outside the gender binary.

A male and female restroom sign with arrow pointing to the rightIn how many areas of life are we creating arbitrary divisions?m01229/flickr

It's just more evidence to support the idea that the biological "parts" you're born with don't really tell us much about who you are.

Turns out that what's inside is much more fluid and malleable than we ever imagined.

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