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gender equality

Health

15 therapists share the simple, but profound, differences between their male and female clients

"Older men will often complain of physical pain when they really have depression."

via Canva/Photos

A therapist working with a couple.

Although it’s important not to stereotype people based on gender, therapists can’t dismiss the critical role it plays when working with clients. Whether it’s the way men and women are socialized, with men being more likely to repress their feelings and women being pushed into being people-pleasers. Or, if it's the fundamental genetic and hormonal differences that separate the sexes, therapists have to take gender into account when working with their clients.

The interesting thing is that, these days, there is a growing gender equality in mental health. For years, women were more likely to get help from a therapist, but the number of men looking to get help for their mental health has been on the rise. This change is essential given the fact that men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women.

Therapists gain a unique insight into human nature, so it’s interesting to learn the psychological differences they’ve noticed between the sexes. A Reddit user recently posed a question to the AskReddit subforum: “Therapists of Reddit, what are some differences you've noticed between male/female patients?” and the therapists shared the differences and similarities they’ve noticed.

It’s worth noting that for this article, non-binary people aren’t mentioned, because they weren’t highlighted in the Reddit discussion. But that doesn’t mean that their unique psychological profiles are any less important than those of men and women.

Here are 15 of the most intriguing differences that therapists have noticed between men and women.

1. Tough guy/Shocking girl

"I saw a lot of young men who really struggled and wanted help, but 'being cool/tough' was more important. If they felt vulnerable, they lashed out with inappropriate sexual or aggressive behavior. It was often really easy to see where young men learned that anger and violence would get them what they thought they wanted. The girls who struggled to be vulnerable would be avoidant, sarcastic, or try to shock me by telling me the awful things they had done or experienced."

2. Different delusions

"I was a therapist for people with psychosis and schizophrenia, if that counts? Men were more likely to have God delusions. (I am god, or God speaks to me). Women were more likely to have romance delusions. (Michael Jackson speaks to me, I'm Mary and I'm pregnant by a miracle.)"

3. Men don't choose therapy

"Men frequently schedule their first appointment because their wife or girlfriend strongly encouraged it. It’s more rare for them to reach out of their own volition."

therapy, psychologists, psychology, on the couch, men and therapy, male mental health A man talking with a therapist.via Canva/Photos

4. They open up in different ways

"For me, men opened up faster. The first visit or two might be super limited and then the floodgates open all at once. The women are more open at the start, but drop big details ways slower."

5. Older men and pain

"Older men will often complain of physical pain when they really have depression."

"Yeah, in the worst of my depression, it's felt as though my whole body is shutting down. Not sure how else to describe it."

6. Alexithymia

"Alexithymia was also much more common in males - that inability to identify emotions and therefore to explore them without professional support was absolutely crippling for many. (This was observed in session rather than as part of traditional/ structured research.)"

"I used to teach a social emotional learning module to young people (from about as young as kindergarten up to high school). It was just very basic stuff about how to recognize and manage your emotions in a healthy way. Half the time it was basic stuff like 'if you're angry, count to 10 instead of hitting your classmate.' We stopped offering it in part because so many dads got aggressive with our staff accusing us of essentially trying to 'make their sons gay.' Now I see the results of that sort of thinking all the time, adult men who filter everything through anger and aggression, or simply don't acknowledge or address their emotions."

therapy, mental health, psychology, psychologists, gender and psychology A woman receiving mental health help.via Canva/Photos

7. The train metaphor

"Men will whisper 'I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel sad' after getting hit by a metaphorical train. Women will apologize to the train."

8. They're not really different

"I treat people with cooccurring substance abuse and mental health issues. After 20 years, I don’t think that I could really say. Everybody has underlying issues that drive behavior, so if they have trauma or a personality disorder or an anxiety disorder, everybody presents in a different way. It’s not really specific to gender. It’s based on your history, your coping skills, your insight and judgment into what’s going on."

9. Honesty vs. perfection

"My male clients come to therapy wanting solutions, action, structure, and for me (a woman) to tell it like it is. Over time, we almost always end up going very psychodynamic (lots of talking, open-ended guiding questions, raising awareness of relational/childhood stuff, behavioral patterns) and processing the deeper stuff that they didn't think was relevant or no one gave them space to talk about before.

My female clients are very high-performing, controlling, perfectionist, burned-out, and trying to perform therapy and healing in a perfect way. Over time, we end up working on self-acceptance, processing anger, boundaries, values-driven action, self-image, and raising consciousness on gender roles and capitalism. And actually feeling the emotions in addition to labeling and analyzing them."

10. They do breakups differently

"I work with a lot of college students and guys always take break-ups much harder and are more likely to cry about them."

"I heard a line from a comedian that made sense to me: 'Women take breakups so well because they breakup with you months before they tell you. That's why they want to be friends after. You're the dude that got her through her breakup with you.'"

therapist, female therapist, psychology, psychologist, mental health A therapist speaking with her client.via Canva/Photos

11. Safety vs. appreciation

"In most couples i saw as a therapist, the woman wants to feel emotionally safe while the guy wants to be appreciated for what hes doing. Also, most men don't seem to identify getting angry easily as emotional and only think crying is emotional. More men asked if they could be put on medication, and women preferred talk therapy."

12. Sense of self vs. sense of worth

"My male clients often struggle with their sense of self and masculinity, especially in relationships. There’s a lot of pressure tied to being the 'provider' or 'the emotional/stoic rock' in the relationship. Many were raised to believe that their value (or what they provide) is based on what they can materially/financially contribute, not on emotional presence. Vulnerability is often uncomfortable because they weren’t given the language or space to express it growing up.

With my female clients, I often see issues around self-worth, confidence, anxiety, people-pleasing, and difficulty expressing needs. Many grew up being taught to prioritize others and to equate self-sacrifice with goodness. That shows up in a lot of different ways, such as avoiding conflict, staying in unhealthy relationships too long, or struggling to set boundaries and enforce them."

13. Encouragement vs. attention

"I have learned that men need support and encouragement to thrive. Constant criticism is hard on a man; it causes him to lose his confidence, and in that situation, he has a hard time relating to his partner. Women, on the other hand, need attention. They need to feel seen and heard. They don't need to be understood as much as they need to feel heard. Women don't usually accept excuses. They want acknowledgment. When a woman is not feeling seen or heard. She doesn't feel loved and has a hard time relating to her partner."

therapy, psychologists, psychology, on the couch, men and therapy, male mental health A young man talking to a therapist.via Canva/Photos

14. Societal impacts on gender

"I've seen women whose life problems are frequently attributable to beliefs, events, and relationships that are derived from patriarchal society. Or women who struggle with making friends because they find it difficult to deal with the prevalence of social aggression in female friendships (particularly autistic women). Some also tend to overgeneralize their (reasonable) fear of what dangers men pose to them into avoidance of men, even when they want to be in a relationship. Some struggle with the attractiveness expectations towards women, either by failing to meet them and having the body image/self-esteem consequences, or by succeeding and then finding it difficult to navigate the consequent objectification by men (and women) in their lives.

In men, I've seen problems related to loneliness (lack of meaningful friendships), difficulties/disinterest in expressing emotions (to friends/partner), callousness in romantic relationships and views of women (likely encouraged by the manosphere internet), and fears of being a burden on society and their families (often reinforced by their wives or girlfriends' pressure on them). Some men's overgeneralized negative views of women (e.g., "they're too stupid/materialistic/shallow") lead to their problems in relationships across their families, friends, and partner."

15. Women get PTSD more often

"As a therapist, I also agree with this. At the end of the day, there were no inherent differences between genders in terms of the issues they were working on or how they approached therapy. The only slightly gender-skewed pattern I've noticed was in the frequency of PTSD diagnosis/symptomatology (more women). Differences between individuals that I've personally observed were more often related to other demographics than gender (such as cultural background for symptom presentation/approach to therapy: and age for the approach to therapy/therapeutic relationship part)."

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mental health

Community

A patient nominated her for a prestigious nursing award. One problem: She's a doctor.

A male colleague told her it would be more 'humble' to introduce herself by her first name and not the title she'd earned.

Canva Photos

A female doctor was confused for a nurse after taking a male colleague's advice on how to introduce herself.

Years ago, a story went viral about a school kid asked to fill in a blank word containing the letters "u" and "r." The clue? Hospital lady. The kid wrote "surgeon," which was marked incorrect. The answer sheet was looking for nurse. The resulting kerfuffle showed, clear as day, that gender bias still exists almost everywhere. Worse yet, it's still being unintentionally ingrained in our kids from a very young age.

The worksheet in question was from 1997. The story cropped up in 2017. Surely, things have gotten better by now! We've come a long way when it comes to gender bias, discrimination, and, well, pure sexism, right? Right?!

Abbie Cantwell, a doctor from Portland, Oregon, recently shared a story from her hospital that sadly proves otherwise.

nurse, doctor, female doctor, women in medicine, women, sexism, gender bias, discrimination, equal pay Abbie Cantwell wouldn't dream of disrespecting nurses. But she's not one.Giphy

In a TikTok video, Dr. Abbie describes getting some questionable advice from a male mentor and colleague at her hospital. He told her it would be more approachable and humble if she introduced herself by her first name (Abbie) instead of by her full title (Dr. Cantwell). Cantwell was hesitant to take the advice but eventually decided to give it a shot. She was vindicated almost immediately.

"I did that one time with a family. I was like 'Hi, I'm Abbie, I'm the doctor in the ICU.' And they legitimately nominated me for a DAISY Award."

A DAISY award is an honor given to nurses who show exceptional patient care and compassion. Anyone in a hospital or healthcare setting can nominate a nurse for their work, including patients and supervisors. It's a great honor and it means Cantwell did a phenomenal job caring for her patient. But, remember, she's a doctor, not a nurse!

"Love, respect, thank you, it's an honor," Cantwell says. "But an incorrect one."

In an effort to take her mentor's advice and seem more humble and approachable, Cantwell had inadvertently made herself "smaller" and stopped demanding the respect she deserved. Watch her tell the whole story here.

@abbiecantwell
Women in stem baby #fyp #residency #medicine #medicalschool

Over a million viewers tuned in. Cantwell's story resonated with medical professionals, and women, everywhere who've had their achievements overlooked.

Commenters had her back, for certain:

"If I had MD behind my name, even my kids would be referring to me as doctor.

"But he would NEVER say that to a male. Babes you worked hard to earn that Doctor title."

"If I had MD behind my name I’d make my own mother call me doctor."

"A senior male attending pulled me aside my first week of intern year and told me to never introduce myself by my first name. He was looking out for me - looking back, I’m so grateful. I had no idea."

"Never do that again. Women docs aren’t making themselves small, for ppl anymore. You are the doctor. We need need to address you as such."

Some argued that Cantwell should look on the bright side:

"Well at least we know you’re great at your job doctor."

Again, Cantwell's story is no shade to nurses, who deserve all the respect in the world. But no one would ever suggest to a male doctor that he be more "humble" by dropping the title he earned through years of school and rigorous training. And that's the problem.

nurse, doctor, female doctor, women in medicine, women, sexism, gender bias, discrimination, equal pay Conscious and unconscious biases are keeping women out of doctoring. Photo by TopSphere Media on Unsplash

Men currently account for 62% of doctors, with women at 38%. This is despite women earning college degrees and masters degrees at a higher rate than men. So, what gives? An essay in The Guardian cites high levels of burnout from female medical professionals and argues that "medicine continues to systematically disadvantage women physicians at every stage of their careers, causing many to leave." Patients and colleagues alike may be distrustful of female doctors and may not give them the respect and cooperation they deserve, making their experience and job much more difficult than their male counterparts. "And so women in medicine are given advice to make themselves smaller, more palatable, more humble and approachable. And by doing so they undermine themselves."

This phenomenon reflects broader societal biases about women in healthcare," Cantwell told Newsweek. "Addressing it is essential to breaking down barriers and inspiring future generations of women in STEM."

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doctors

Health

Sweeping UN study finds that 9 out of 10 people worldwide are biased against women

In other words, 9 out of 10 people worldwide—both men and women—are biased against women in vital areas that impact the world in major ways.

Photo by Joe Gardner on Unsplash

It's easy to feel unseen.

In 2020, the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) released the Gender Social Norms Index , which offers a look at gender equality as measured by people's personal gender bias. The data, which was collected from 75 countries covering 81% of the world's population, found that 91% of men and 86% of women show at least one clear bias against women in the areas of politics, economics, education, and physical integrity.

In other words, 9 out of 10 people worldwide—both men and women—are biased against women in vital areas that impact the world in major ways. Splendid.

It would be easy to assume that these numbers are skewed by countries where women are blatantly oppressed, and that is somewhat true. However, a majority was found to hold no gender biases in just six of the 75 countries studied—and no, the U.S. was not among them. Nope, not Canada either.

Andorra, Australia, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, and Sweden were the only countries where a majority of people showed no clear gender bias. (Andorra came on way on top, with 73% of its population showing no bias—the only country to top 70%. Go Andorra.)

Where did the U.S. and Canada stand? According to the study, 43% of Americans hold no gender bias while Canada clocks in at 48%. Basically, if you're sitting in a stadium full of people as a woman in North America, half of the people you're looking at likely harbor some kind of clear bias against you. Same goes if you're a woman competing in a sport, giving a talk at a conference, or—ahem—running for public office.

Perhaps the most unnerving stats from the report are these:

- About 50% people—both men and women—think men make better political leaders than women

- About 40% of people think men make better business leaders than women

- Close to 50% of men believe that men have more right to a job than women

- About 30% believe that it's justifiable for a man to beat his intimate partner

Ummm, that last one? Holy moly.

two women sitting on beach facing ocean sunset

Being a women can feel isolating.

Photo by Briana Tozour on Unsplash

What's just as concerning is that despite decades of progress on women's rights, bias against women is increasing in some countries among both men and women. And this is the case even among some countries that scored well on the index. Bias in top-six country Sweden, for example, actually increased over the nine years the study covered.

"The share of both women and men worldwide with moderate to intense gender biases grew from 57 percent to 60 percent for women and from 70 percent to 71 percent for men," the report states, adding: "Surveys have shown that younger men may be even less committed to equality than their elders."

That last part is worth repeating. Evidence points to young men being less committed to gender equality than older generations. That is not good news for the future, folks.

Of course, we have made big strides across the globe in terms of increasing access to education, improving healthcare for women, and other areas. But women still don't have a place at most of the decision-making tables, and we obviously still have social norm hurdles to overcome to achieve true gender equality.

"We have come a long way in recent decades to ensure that women have the same access to life's basic needs as men," said Pedro Conceição, head of UNDP's Human Development Report Office. "We have reached parity in primary school enrollment and reduced maternal mortality by 45 percent since the year 1990. But gender gaps are still all too obvious in other areas, particularly those that challenge power relations and are most influential in actually achieving true equality. Today, the fight about gender equality is a story of bias and prejudices."

Results of the study indicate a backlash to the push for gender equality. Indeed, change is uncomfortable for many people and progress is often a two steps forward, one step back process. For sure, social norms are more complex and challenging to change than laws.

"Policymakers often focus on the tangible—on laws, policies, spending commitments, public statements and so on," the report states. "This is driven partly by the desire to measure impact and by sheer impatience with the slow pace of change. Yet neglecting the invisible power of norms would miss a deeper understanding of social change."

Social norms also directly impact progress made in all areas. Currently, no country in the world is on track to meet the gender equality goals by Sustainable Development Goal target of 2030. With stats like these, that's not shocking.

Clearly, something to keep in mind as we advocate for gender equality is how to effectively address people's core beliefs about women and equality in general. Legal progress without social progress is shaky at best, and true gender equality won't become reality unless people believe that it should.

It appears we have some serious work ahead of us on that front.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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women

Pop Culture

Why people hate 'vocal fry' more when a woman has it

Both men and women use it, but we only seem to notice (and judge) when one gender does so.

Photo by Raamin ka on Unsplash

Using a raspy lower register gets noticed or does it?

"Vocal Fry" is a term for the glottal, creaking sound of lower-register speech oscillation.

You know, like that raspy Zooey-Deschanel-type thing where your voice has that little "GuUuUuUuUuUuUuUh" crackle, instead of the smooth, consistent "Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuh."

That really didn't help at all, huh?

OK, it's this:

We've noticed women using "vocal fry" for a while now...

A scientific study was reported in a 2011 issue of Science magazine that's generally credited with adding the phrase "vocal fry" into the popular lexicon. Before this point, according to the magazine, apparently vocal fry did not exist, although Britney Spears anachronistically employed it in the first line of her debut single, "Baby One More Time" all the way back in 1998. And she wasn't the only pop star to do so.

celebrity, trending, vocal fry, before 2011

Britney Spears was all about the 'vocal fry' with her debut single, "Baby One More Time."

media.giphy.com

The study from Science purported that women are often different than men (groundbreaking!), and thus, women talked less good with their mouth-sounds. (I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist.) (Please excuse my rolling eyes.)

Specifically, vocal fry was said to be a trend among college-aged women of a certain social standing. "Young students tend to use it when they get together. Maybe this is a social link between members of a group," noted one female researcher.

...but recently it's been recognized that us dudes have been getting in on the action for a while too.

All right, guys! We're finally getting closer to true gender parity! But the question remains: How come no one noticed that men have been using vocal fry for years?

"This American Life" host Ira Glass recently admitted that he uses vocal fry. But in a conversation with Chana Jaffe-Walt (who is not a dude), Glass also admitted that no one notices his vocal fry. And it's not that no one notices — women are criticized for using vocal fry while men have been getting away with it for years.

"I get criticized for a lot of things in the emails to the show," Glass said. "No one has ever pointed this out."

Noted academic and anarcho-syndicalist advocate Noam Chomsky has also been known to employ vocal fry (presumably as a means of dismantling capitalism). Chomsky certainly has his detractors, but none of them seem to take issue with his vocal quality either. And even The Hairpin noted over 6 years ago that male vocal fry has become "a thing."

In reality, associating the vocal fry trend only with women — both in practice and in naming — is a really just another way of trying to define gender roles.

It's certainly interesting to observe the trends in human social interactions in the same way we observe a pack of wild capuchin monkeys. But the way that vocal fry gained traction in popular culture was, well, kind of weird.

After that Science magazine article came out, women were suddenly being judged for the supposedly abrasive way in which they spoke when they used vocal fry, even though both women and men had probably been talking that way since well before 2011.

There are many legitimate reasons — beyond gender — for why a person might develop vocal fry.

The simple truth is that vocal fry is just one way that people talk, regardless of their gender. Some people employ it as a means of being heard, as differentiating their voices from the rest of the masses. Other people really do just talk that way!

And it's another example of the way we treat women like Goldilocks ("This one's too sexy, and this one's too prude, and..."). If a woman uses a higher register to speak, then it's classified as ditzy, valley-girl uptalk. If a woman uses her lower register, it's vocal fry. If she speaks in the middle (modal range), her words often get lost entirely.

vocal fry, talking, stereotypes, lower register

Women are often classified just from the way they talk.

media.giphy.com

Maybe, just maybe, we should all try to worry less about the way people speak (or dress or...) and instead try to actually listen to and hear what they're saying.

So vocal fry? Don't vocal fry? Do what you want! Because if our crappy earbud headphones have taught us anything, it's that content matters more than the quality of delivery.

This article originally appeared on 07.28.15

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science

Health

Someone asked what women would dislike most if they became men. The answers are eye-opening.

Men shared a lot of feelings we don't often hear expressed.

Photo credit: Canva

A lot of men struggle more than we know.

For decades, women's liberation, Me Too and other movements have shed light on the reality of being a woman in a patriarchal society. As a result, we've all gained a better understanding of how women are impacted by sexism and have slowly but surely re-examined social norms that have negatively affected women throughout history.

What's often been overlooked, though, is how patriarchal norms negatively affect men as well. We know that men have been discouraged by society from sharing their feelings, but the notion that men don't open up because it's "unmanly" is also an oversimplification. Sure, there are men who don't know how to express their feelings, but there are also conscientious, emotionally available men who don't talk about the hard parts of being a man out loud because they don't want to overshadow women's concerns with their own. It's ironic that a sensitivity to women can get in the way of openly sharing the reality of being a man, but here we are.

A question posed on Reddit provided an invitation for men to open up with its unique framing: "What would women dislike most if they became men?" and men took the opportunity to share things that women might not realize they struggle with.

While there may be a temptation to compare these things to what women deal with, listening with compassion and an open mind goes a long way toward building understanding and empathy. Considering the fact that suicide rates among men are four times higher than women, we need more understanding because clearly a lot of men are struggling.

Here are some of the things men shared:

Trying to convince people you're not scary or creepy

Women are generally viewed as safe, while men are seen as potential threats. There are understandable reasons for that, but women may not realize how exhausting it is to try to navigate that as a man who genuinely isn't a threat. It hurts to know that people are automatically afraid of you.

"People being afraid of you for nothing you have done."

"Constantly worrying about not looking like a creep. Seriously, shit is exhausting. I’m a 5ft 10 inches, 225lbs, muscular black dude. I know damn well that that I’m probably the last person a woman(or anyone for that matter) wants to see walking behind them while they are alone at night.

I work in retail too so there’s times where I will walk around the store just to avoid walking behind women just to make them feel better.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that women aren’t justified for being wary. I completely understand why they might feel that way but it just sucks constantly trying to make sure I don’t accidentally look like a creep."

man walking alone behind a bus Men are automatically seen as a potential threat.Photo credit: Canva

"I’m 6’1, 265 lbs, brown, bald. No one has sat next to me on a bus in years. A child refused to sit next to me on a flight once and threw a tantrum about it. I ignored her the entire time. But oof that hurt. I cried watching Coco."

"Dude as a 6'2 fat dude with a beard I feel like being perceived as a creep is responsible for like 80% of my social anxiety, like I can't casually physically interact with anyone cause I'm scared of being called a creep."

"I’ll never forget the feeling of a loss of innocence when I was around 17yo and a woman grabbed her kid as I was walking towards my car (it looked like I was walking towards the kid who was in the general trajectory in the parking lot) and it dawned on me 'oh, I’m no longer seen as a child, I’m a potential threat now.' It was such a weird feeling."

Being viewed with suspicion around children

Women can say they love kids and show affection toward them without much of an eyebrow raise. But men who love children in pure and wholesome ways can't express that without people assuming or fearing they're a pedophile.

"People thinking you're a pedo when you're watching your own kid at the park."

"Being viewed with suspicion whenever I interact with children. Plenty of shitty things about being female, but that one is particularly sad for men."

"It's really sad, because children have this reckless abandon that is fun to watch. Running around and playing with no greater purpose in mind, just enjoying being alive without thinking about what's above and below.

I can't go to public parks without being looked at like I'm a predator, much less go anywhere where children are playing without the exact same vitriol but on steroids. Children are fun to watch, and I'm not there watching for some sick sexual thrill or to hurt anyone, I just like to be reminded that I once WAS one of those children not so long ago."

man playing with two small children Dad playing with kidsPhoto credit: Canva

Being seen as the lesser parent

Much has been made of women often being the "default parent" who shoulders most of the mental burden of parenting. But a lot of that is social expectation, and even men who try to take on an equal share of parenting duties find that they're fighting an uphill battle to be treated as an equal parent.

"Being treated like a second rate parent even if you're the only parent."

"While signing up for a daycare I told them to call me first if our kids got sick. They said “weeee usuallyyyyyyy caaaaaaalll the mooommm fiiiiiirst…??” With a confirming look towards my wife.

I told them I wfh 5 minutes away and my wife is a teacher so if they want to waste their time calling my wife first go ahead but I’ll be (and am) usually the one to pick them up.

They still call my wife first."

"I was a stay at home dad. I told the teachers that when I met them at the beginning of the year. I was listed first in primary contacts. The number of times the school called my wife at work and then she called me so I could go pick up a sick kid was too high."

"ThEy LeTtInG yOu BaBySiT?"

"Whenever my wife is without our kid they're always asking who is watching him. Like I am. His father. He's not being babysat, he's not being watched, he's just at home with me. Foreign concept to so many people."

Alternatively, being seen as a hero for doing basic parenting things

On the flip side, a lot of men shared their bafflement at being venerated for doing very basic parenting things. While this may not seem like something to complain about, it's a bit infantilizing if you think about it.

"Sometimes I'm just chilling with my kids at the park and get told I'm the best dad ever. Like I'm doing the bare minimum right now ma'am. This is the floor of what I should be praised for, not the ceiling."

dad with baby in baby carrier at grocery store Dads go grocery shopping with kids, too.Photo credit: Canva

"When my sister had her kids her ex husband used to occasionally take his baby to work at the community college in a sling and lecture with the baby. He became totally famous on campus as the best dad ever and he was shared viral on local social media as being totally adorable Meanwhile she was just a mom with a baby, completely unremarkable. No praise, just general annoyance from strangers that she even had her baby out in public."

"I noticed this when I had custody of the kids after we separated. I was a freaking hero for attempting what millions of single moms have been doing forever. And it was in the eyes of women ( most men didn't care or notice) that my status was elevated while many of them were looking down their noses at the single mom's. Double standard for sure."

"Yeah I was going to say.. in the experience of me and one of my close friends, as a guy, the bar for being considered a great parent is disturbingly low."

The expectation to be an actual hero—and being seen as expendable

"Women and children first" has been a standard of emergency response forever, which isn't inherently bad but does send a message about the expendability of men. Imagine being told that your life is less valuable as a rule.

"If danger comes knocking, you have to answer the door while everyone else runs for the hills."

"I love how people are only outraged if women and children die. Like every dude aint also someone's son."

"Yup. If I’m a man dying, who cares. If I want a shred of sympathy, I have to describe myself as a husband, a father, or a provider."

"People see men as expendable."

"Off to the front lines you go."

"I learned from a thread a few weeks ago that women have no concept of this whatsoever. It hasn't even occurred to them that they could be considered more expendable than another person by default and they're offended that it would even be a possibility."

Men's lives are seen as expendable in some ways.Photo credit: Canva

A lack of compliments

Of course, there are women who don't feel like they get many compliments as well, but it appears to be a particular issue with men. Perhaps women compliment each other more, and men don't. Or perhaps it's that men misinterpret compliments as flirting too often, so women don't offer them to men as much.

"You may go a year or ten without a single compliment. Many men are laying in their casket before many good things are ever said about them."

"I had a woman complement my parallel parking skills 30 years ago, I can tell you when and where."

"So true, lmao. The last "real" compliment I got was 3 years ago (lmao) that too from my dad's (male) boss who said I've an amazing smile.

Well, unless my mom counts? I'm the most eligible bachelor in India as far as she's concerned. 😂"

"The whole thing is an ugly catch 22. Men think compliments are flirting because they don't get enough compliments, but women avoid complimenting them because they don't want them to think it's flirting."

The genuinely confusing messages about showing emotion

The common refrain is that men should show their emotions more and that women will respond positively to that. But in reality, many women have been as conditioned as men to view male emotion as weakness, and some respond accordingly.

"Crying in front of people has the exact opposite effect."

"'why don't you open up emotionally?'

Opens up emotionally

'I can't explain it, but I'm just, not attracted to you anymore.'"

"This one is real tho. You get shunned for not opening up, and you get shunned for opening up."

"I joined a support group for victims of something I'm not going to get into, but the amount of guys who had their wives/girlfriends abandon them or cheat on them almost immediately after a traumatic experience like a parent dying or being the victim of a violent crime was staggering. As soon as they showed emotion, 'weakness' and needing support themselves, it was all over for the relationship."

Many men feel like they can't show emotion even when they want to.Photo credit: Canva

"Yup. When I got the call that my dad's cancer had spread to his brain and was terminal, I was at work and started to cry. It wasn't a sob or ugly cry at all and I was trying to keep it together. Once my coworkers in the office noticed, they just quietly got up and walked into another room without saying anything. I tried to focus on my work and pull it together, but after about 3 minutes I was literally alone in the room. It was an open concept kind of office and there were about 15-18 desks in the room. Nobody said anything. Nobody asked if I was ok. They just got up a left.

About 15 minutes later the office manager asked if I needed to leave for the day because I was making other people uncomfortable. I heard at least one group of people joking about it on my way out.

I ended up quitting a couple of months later because everybody treated me completely different afterwards. I went from being the funny guy at work to the weird guy who cried at work."

There were some other things men shared that are worth taking a look at, but the bottom line is that there's genuine value in putting ourselves in other people's shoes. Just as women want men to understand what we deal with on a daily basis, men also have experiences and feelings that go unrecognized and unacknowledged. We all have a lot to learn and unlearn as we make our way toward gender equality, and truly understanding one another's realities is a vital step in that direction.

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men's issues

Pop Culture

A man in the crowd yelled 'Marry me!' Her response was not exactly what he hoped for.

'Does that work out well for you, sir?'

Justin Higuchi/Wikicommons

Lauren Mayberry performing with Chvrches at Hollywood Forever in Los Angeles, 2016

A fan of the Scottish synthpop band Chvrches got a bit more than he bargained for when he yelled to the stage.

"Marry me!" an unidentified man yelled out during a pause between songs.

"Pardon?" Chvrches singer Lauren Mayberry responded, prompting the man to shout out, "Marry me! Now!"

Mayberry told the guy off, which led to articles with titles like "Watch Chvrches' Lauren Mayberry Put Marriage Proposing Fan In His Place" and "CHVRCHES' Lauren Mayberry destroys heckler who asks her to marry him."

performance, crowds, hecklers, musicians

What it looks like to get told off from the stage.

GIFs from advancedfirefly.

But what's the big deal? It's not like he was serious. Well...

No, I sincerely doubt that the man in the crowd expected Mayberry to throw down her microphone and jump into his arms. Him saying "marry me" was probably more of a stand-in for "I like your music and respect you as a human being with boundaries!" (OK, maybe not that last bit.)

It's a little more complicated than that.

If you know a bit more about Chvrches' backstory, Mayberry's response makes a lot of sense.

Throughout the band's career, Mayberry has been outspoken against music industry sexism and online harassment.

In 2013, Mayberry posted a screenshot of a message sent to the band's Facebook page that read, "Could you pass this correspondence on to the cute singer, I think we'd make superior love together, and very much would like to take her to dinner." After responding, "No. That's disgusting," Mayberry was told it was a "very puritanical stance" to take.

Her response was simple: "Please stop sending us emails like this." In response, she received a slew of responses containing threats, twisted sexual fantasies, and general disregard for her existence as a human. That month, she penned an opinion piece for The Guardian, "I will not accept online misogyny.”

"But why should women 'deal' with this?"

Her post at The Guardian was a powerful rebuttal to anyone who has ever told her (or any female musician, for that matter) that she should just "deal with" harassment.

"I absolutely accept that in this industry there is comment and criticism. There will always be bad reviews: such is the nature of a free press and free speech. ... What I do not accept, however, is that it is all right for people to make comments ranging from 'a bit sexist but generally harmless' to openly sexually aggressive. That it is something that 'just happens.' Is the casual objectification of women so commonplace that we should all just suck it up, roll over and accept defeat? I hope not. Objectification, whatever its form, is not something anyone should have to 'just deal with.'"

Years later, the harassment continues. But Mayberry isn't giving up.

Earlier this year, Mayberry posted another screenshot of a message sent to one of the band's social media accounts on her personal Instagram page. The message, in which an anonymous voice from the Internet threatens to sexually assault Mayberry with a cheese grater, was posted alongside Mayberry's eloquent response.

"My band is lucky enough to have some of the most awesome, supportive and respectful fans in the world and we are so excited to be in the studio making an album to share with them. Yet, on a daily basis, we still receive communications like this. These people never learn that violence against women is unacceptable. But they also never learn that women will not be shamed and silenced and made to disappear. I am not going anywhere. So bring it on, motherfuckers. Let's see who blinks first."

So, in hindsight, maybe yelling "Marry me!" at Lauren Mayberry wasn't the best idea.

The man may have meant well, but combined with the sexualized messages from other fans and critics alike, it creates an atmosphere of uncomfortable, unwanted comments. It's a lot like street harassment: While the intention might have been to "compliment" someone, the effect can be something so completely different.

Watch Mayberry's showdown with the "Marry me" guy in the video below.

This article originally appeared on 10.05.15

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sexism

Family

Dad shares why he joins in on overnight baby shifts even though his wife is on leave

“I have no idea why we are still having this argument.”

@professorneil/TikTok

A father pulling his weight shouldn't be considered "helping."

Yes, we’ve come a long way regarding gender equality. But if there’s any proof that we’ve still got a long way to go, look no further than the attitudes many still have when it comes to parenting roles.

Many still consider a father as “helping out” with a mom’s inherent responsibility when he participates in taking care of children, rather than simply being an equally contributing partner. And if mom is not working, the nuclear family ideal is even more persistent…as it is assumed she is the sole caretaker of the kids with no job to distract her.

All this can make the already difficult early chapters of parenthood next to impossible…and certainly not as enjoyable as they could be for moms who find themselves both partner-less and village-less.

Neil Shyminsky, a college professor and new dad, recently delved into this issue when he explained why he still participates in nighttime feedings—even though he works a full time job and his wife is on parental leave.

Shyminsky’s video was actually a response to another video made by labor equality advocate Paige Turner, who shared that someone called her “crazy” and “selfish” for suggesting a working dad should still wake up early with a new baby to give his wife an occasional break.

@professorneil #stitch with @Paige We’re all working, we’re all tired, and we all have to work in the morning, too #parenting #work #labor ♬ original sound - Professor Neil

“So it's currently 2 a.m. and I'm awake with this little one,” he says in the clip, explaining that he’ll be “on call for another two hours or so” until he switches with his wife, who is currently on parental leave.

As Shyminsky sees it, both parents are still currently working full-time, which makes his participating in overnight activities a no brainer.

“I might have to work a full day on four hours of really awful sleep, but I mean, what's the alternative? That she has to work a full day on none?” he asks.

As he eloquently puts it: “Parenting's work, parenting's labor. Stay-at-home parents work. I have no idea why we are still having this argument. Yeah, I can't figure it out there.”

So many viewers wrote in to praise Shyminsky’s rational take.

“It is exhausting to be the only parent to wake up at night.”

“I never understood the work argument. I still have to stay awake all day to take care of the baby and other kids. I need sleep.”

“Everything you said, and also the way to bond with a baby is by caring for it. That bond is worth some lost sleep.”

Others shared how they incorporated similar strategies.

One person wrote, “My husband and I had a great plan: I would go to bed around 8:00 and he would wake me up to switch around 1:00 or 2:00. We each got 5-6 hours each night. It worked for us!”

Another added, “Yeah we definitely did full night shifts. I’d take one night and husband would take the next. Lifesaver knowing you’d get a night of sleep every other night.”

Shyminsky also told Upworthy that this in no way is considered “helping” his wife, as that implies all things parenting are technically her responsibility and that he’s “assisting” her.

“When I’m not at my job, parenting is a shared and equal responsibility. So I’m not helping with the parenting, I’m sharing in it,” he said.

So true. Parenting is a full-time job…one without pay, and one that you can’t really clock in and out of. It’s downright unrealistic to expect mothers to take it all on by themselves.

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parenting