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'Matilda' star Mara Wilson has a message for the LGBTQ community: Come out.

Before I ever spent hour upon hour with my nose buried in the pages of a "Harry Potter"book, there was "Matilda."

I’ve always loved to read and have hauled too-big piles of books home from the library (although not in a red wagon, I will admit) more times than I can count. Plus, what 7-year-old budding queer femme doesn’t dream of discovering a secret superpower and running away from her loneliness into a beautiful world of friendship where she can play games and eat cookies all day long?

I mean, it always seemed like a pretty solid life choice to me. Matilda has followed me ever since childhood. And I’m not necessarily talking about the Danny DeVito movie or even the Roald Dahl book. I’m talking about Matilda herself; Matilda the person; Matilda Wormwood, the character made real by a young girl in a 98-minute-long movie I’d wager nearly every millennial (in the U.S., at least) has seen. I’m talking about Mara Wilson.


It felt like fate that Wilson and I would meet.

She went to college with one of my family members and, once I moved back to New York, kept showing up at various comedy events I attended around the city.

Then, in early 2017 —  after coming out publicly the previous summer  —  she became a Lambda Legal donor. These aren’t even all the connections we’ve had over the years. But ultimately, I knew that it was only a matter of time.

So when we sat down to talk last week, to say that I was excited might be an understatement. Little did I know just how much her own experience as a queer woman would mirror mine.

Wilson came out publicly as bi  —  although she now tends to prefer the label queer ("I like queer more than I like bisexual, but I have no problem with people calling me bisexual," she says)  —  on Twitter in the wake of June 2016’s tragedy at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando. At the time, she’d recently come out to most of her close friends and family (they took it well — her brother "did not even look up from his enchilada" when she told him, she tells me through laughter), and she felt that it was important as someone in the public eye to show solidarity with her community.

The news quickly went viral, spreading across social media and trending on Facebook. "I think that if you’re in a place of security and privilege  —  which I can admit that I am  —  it’s important for you to [come out]," she says. "I don’t see myself as anybody’s savior, but I’d rather it were me — who can afford therapy and afford this platform — getting harassed for being who I am than a young LGBTQ kid. I think it’s important."

But the response to her news — while mostly supportive — was not entirely positive.

"I often wish that I hadn’t done it then because I got accused of taking advantage of a tragedy for personal attention," she says. "Now, clearly I like attention, but I am not so callous as to make a tragedy about myself, my life and my story. That isn’t what I was going for."

"A lot of people like to tell women — and especially queer women — that they are doing things for attention," she adds. "And it is strange to me that the worst thing a woman can do is do something for attention."

Wilson's words resonated with me more than I can even fully describe. I’ve written about what it’s like to come out and be out as a queer femme woman before but have never really been able to put into words the intense anxiety surrounding the "attention stigma" that comes with having a non-monosexual identity.

See, a few things can happen when you come out as bi (or queer or pan or any of the many varied non-monosexual identities that exist), particularly as a woman.

The first is that folks don’t believe you. Another is that people ignore it. And a third is that a lot of assumptions are made about who you are and what you like.

But the theme underlying all of these reactions is attention. If someone doesn’t believe you, it’s because either they think that bisexuality doesn’t exist or that you’re confused, or they think that you’re saying you’re bi to get attention (frequently all of these thoughts occur synchronously).

If someone ignores it, it’s — again — because they likely believe you’re "doing it for the attention" and don’t want to give you the thing they think you’re seeking. And if someone begins to make assumptions about you, those assumptions are usually — surprise — that you like attention and are innately promiscuous.

"There’s definitely a stigma," Wilson says. "One of the reasons I didn’t come out for a very long time was because I grew up hearing that bisexual girls were 'crazy,' [which is not a term I would use]. I heard that all the time. I heard that bisexual girls were 'crazy,' they were greedy, they were selfish and they caused drama. They were the worst. They wanted attention."

There’s a lot here, but certainly the most interesting (to me, at least) thing about biphobia is the sexism, slut shaming, ableism and mental health stigma that is disguised within it.

"Throughout history, women and women-identified people have had to struggle to get any kind of power or control over their lives," Wilson says. "And control is seen as a bad thing. It’s seen as being manipulative."

"When you think of bisexuals, you think of villainy. You think of people using their sexuality to get what they want, using other people and hurting other people," she adds. "Or just having a lot of sex, and … if you are 'promiscuous,' that is seen as being inherently a bad thing."

Just think of Jenny from "The L Word," Barbara from "Gotham," Piper from "Orange Is the New Black," and Monica from "Shameless." The list goes on, and this is certainly not a trope limited to only women. But all of these fictional women hold the labels of evil, "crazy," or promiscuous.

And that’s not even to wade into the deep stigmatized waters of being a person who is bisexual and not a woman. Though we didn’t talk much about it (as it is neither of our experiences) being transgender or gender-nonconforming obviously brings with it its own set of stigma, and similar  —  albeit similarly nuanced  —  stereotypes exist for male-identified people. As Wilson says, "People are punished for femininity or punished for sexuality."

So how do we go about changing these media tropes? Wilson has some ideas.

"I think that, in the entertainment world, there need to be more bisexual characters for whom bisexuality is just kind of a common thing. It’s 'so-and-so has red hair and they’re also bisexual,'" Wilson laughs. "That’s definitely something that I’ve tried to write into some of my more recent writing. We’ll see where that goes."

"The Most Boring Bisexual You’ve Ever Met," I joke with her. "Exactly!" she exclaims. "It’ll be like, 'Me the other day, getting up and running on the treadmill, writing a little bit and going to CVS to pick up my prescriptions, and then binge-watching 'Orphan Black' because I love Tatiana Maslany so much.'"

"I’d like to see more male-identified people shown as bisexual," she adds. "Because I think there’s still this belief that men can’t be, which just isn’t true."

In the end, Wilson believes it’s all about respecting others  —  an issue the LGBTQ community at large has much experience with.

"Is it making somebody happy? Is it improving their life? Is it something that they enjoy? Is it a part of who they are? Yes? Then respect it," she says. "You don’t need to understand something completely to be OK with it."

Wilson and I spent about an hour talking, and I could’ve let it go on for so much longer. We joked about our celebrity crushes, chuckled together fake-writing scenes of "The Most Boring Bisexual You’ve Ever Met," and gave each other advice for meeting other queer women. I’ll never forget that. It felt like I was catching up with an old friend. And in a way, I was.

This story first appeared on Lambda Legal and is reprinted here with permission.

Health

4 simple hacks to help you meet your healthy eating goals

Trying to eat healthier? Try these 4 totally doable tricks.

Photo by Anna Pelzer on Unsplash

Most of us want to eat healthier but need some help to make it happen.

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When it comes to choosing what to eat, we live in a uniquely challenging era. Never before have humans known more about nutrition and how to eat for optimal health, and yet we’ve never been more surrounded by distractions and temptations that derail us from making healthy choices.

Some people might be able to decide “I’m going to eat healthier!” and do so without any problem, but those folks are unicorns. Most of us know what we should do, but need a little help making it happen—like some simple hacks, tips and tricks for avoiding pitfalls on the road to healthier eating.

While recognizing that what works for one person may not work for another, here are some helpful habits and approaches that might help you move closer to your healthy eating goals.

man pulling chip out of a chip bagOur mouths loves chips. Our bodies not so much.Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash

Goal: Snack on less junk food

Tip: Focus your willpower on the grocery store, not your home

Willpower is a limited commodity for most of us, and it is no match for a bag of potato chips sitting on top of the fridge. It’s just a fact. Channeling your willpower at the grocery store can save you from having to fight that battle at home. If you don’t bring chips into your house in the first place, you’ll find it a lot easier to reach for something healthier.

The key to successful shopping trips is to always go to the store with a specific list and a full stomach—you’ll feel much less tempted to buy the junky snack foods if you’re already satiated. Also, finding healthier alternatives that will still satisfy your cravings for salty or crunchy, or fatty foods helps. Sugar snap peas have a surprisingly satisfying crunch, apples and nut butter hit that sweet-and-salty craving, etc.

slice of cakeYou can eat well without giving up sweets completely.Photo by Caitlyn de Wild on Unsplash

Goal: Eat less sugar

Tip: Instead of “deprive,” think “delay” or “decrease and delight”

Sugar is a tricky one. Some people find it easier to cut out added sugars altogether, but that can create an all-or-nothing mindset that all too often results in “all.” Eating more whole foods and less processed foods can help us cut out a lot of ancillary sugar, but we still live in a world with birthday cakes and dessert courses.

One approach to dessert temptation is to delay instead of deprive. Tell yourself you can have any sweet you want…tomorrow. This mental trick flips the “I’ll just indulge today and start eating healthier tomorrow” idea on its head. It’s a lot easier to resist something you know you can have tomorrow than to say no to something you think you’ll never get to have again.

Another approach when you really want to enjoy a dessert at that moment is to decrease the amount and really truly savor it. Eat each bite slowly, delighting in the full taste and satisfaction of it. As soon as that delight starts to diminish, even a little, stop eating. You’ve gotten what you wanted out of it. You don’t have to finish it. (After all, you can always have more tomorrow!)

colorful fresh food on a plateA naturally colorful meal is a healthy meal.Photo by Anna Pelzer on Unsplash

Goal: Eat healthier meals

Tip: Focus on fresh foods and plan meals ahead of time

Meal planning is easier than ever before. The internet is filled with countless tools—everything from recipes to shopping lists to meal planning apps—and it’s as awesome as it is overwhelming.

Planning ahead takes the guesswork and decision fatigue out of cooking, preventing the inevitable “Let’s just order a pizza.” You can have a repeating 3-week or 4-week menu of your favorite meals so you never have to think about what you’re going to eat, or you can meal plan once a week to try new recipes and keep things fresh.

It might help to designate one day a week to “shop and chop”—getting and prepping the ingredients for the week’s meals so they’re ready to go in your fridge or freezer.

woman holding blueberries in her handsOrganic foods are better for the Earth and for us.Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

Goal: Eat more organic/humanely raised food

Tip: Utilize the “dirty dozen” and “clean 15” lists to prioritize

Many people choose organic because they want to avoid pesticides and other potentially harmful chemicals. Organic food is also better for the planet, and according to the Mayo Clinic, studies have shown that organic produce is higher in certain nutrients.

Most people don’t buy everything organic, but there are some foods that should take priority over others. Each year, researchers from the Environmental Working Group (EWG) analyze thousands of samples of dozens of fruits and vegetables. From this data, they create a list of the “Dirty Dozen” and “Clean 15” fruits and vegetables, indicating what produce has the most and least pesticide residue. These lists give people a good place to start focusing their transition to more organic foods.

To make organic eating even simpler, you can shop O Organics® at your local Albertsons or Safeway stores. The O Organics brand offers a wide range of affordable USDA-certified organic products in every aisle. If you’re focusing on fresh foods, O Organics produce is always grown without synthetic pesticides, is farmed to conserve biodiversity, and is always non-GMO. All animal-based O Organics products are certified humane as well. Even switching part of your grocery list to organic can make a positive impact on the planet and the people you feed.

Healthy eating habits don’t have to be all or nothing, and they don’t have to be complicated. A few simple mindset changes at home and habit changes at the grocery store can make a big difference.

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Leah’s mom passed away when she was 10.

Last year, Leah became pregnant, and she wanted to keep the baby, but her boyfriend didn’t. After the disagreement, the boyfriend broke up with her. This forced Leah to move back home because she couldn’t afford to be a single parent and live alone on a teacher’s salary.

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Dan Vasc sings "Amazing Grace" with a heavy metal twist.

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Newton's spiritual has been sung by countless people in countless renditions, but there's a good chance you've never seen it sung quite like this.

Heavy metal singer Dan Vasc recorded a solo rendition of "Amazing Grace" and shared it on his YouTube channel, where it has received over 7 million views. If you're thinking that the grungy, high-pitched scream-singing that marks metal music is a strange match for a traditional Christian hymn, you could be right. But give Vasc's version a listen before passing judgment because he might just change your mind.

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Kelley Lorraine posted a video of her sitting in the car with her husband as she tries to explain "girl math" to him. It didn't take long for him to express confusion, many times interjecting with questions and audible noises of disproval. What was interesting to me was that everything she said made perfect sense...as long as you don't think about it too much.

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