Co-rumination: Why venting about the same person or problem over and over again causes trouble
When getting something off your chest can lead to a downward spiral.
Two women complaining to a guy at a party.
Do you have relationships where you bond over venting about other people or common problems? Some people love getting together to vent about their exes or family members, just to commiserate and get things off their chest. You see this a lot in offices, where employees go out to lunch to vent about their boss or a fellow employee who gets on their nerves.
Others may constantly get together to vent about politics or current events. It’s healthy to get things off your chest, but when does it go too far and make you and your friends feel worse than before?
Kalia Lopez and Kyle Hagge recently discussed the topic on The Morning Brew’s Per My Last Email podcast, and this type of venting, known as co-rumination, becomes a problem when people constantly vent without seeking real solutions.
Co-regulating versus Co-ruminating
Dr. Han Ren, a popular therapist on TikTok, says the key is to distinguish between co-regulating and co-ruminating. Co-regulation is when we turn to people in our support group to calm down and cope with intense feelings. Co-rumination only intensifies the negative emotions.
“I think it's imperative that we stay mindful of the difference because at the end of the day, we want to share our pain to be resourced and to feel better,” Dr. Ren says. “So think of it like this, co-regulating means supporting each other's nervous systems and energies and bodies and emotions, whereas co-ruminating is staying in our thoughts and fears and worries and kind of doom piling on worst case scenarios.”
@drhanren This came up in my consultation group this week when all of us were feeling pretty demoralized. It’s helpful to name these feelings and processes, it makes us feel less alone with them. It is bonkers out there, which makes it bonkers in here too. Therapists and healers, it is especially important that we stay resourced and anchored these days. Move your body. Drink your water. Pace yourself.
There are two ways to figure out whether co-miserating is healthy or counterproductive. The first, according to Miriam Kirmayer, Ph.D., at Psychology Today, is if you can't stop talking about the same topic. Do you complain about Rachel in accounting every day? Do you text your friend about your ex every time they post something on social media? Although it may be satisfying in the moment, it’s reinforcing a negative cycle.
Start looking for solutions
The key to stopping co-rumination is to turn your vent sessions into something positive and focus on solutions. That can be hard because it feels so good, in the moment, to get things off your chest.
“Ask yourself if there is something you can do to change or improve the situation right now. Can you actually do something to resolve the problem in some small way? Perhaps it involves having a frank discussion with a colleague to clear up a misunderstanding. Or maybe it’s apologizing for something you wished you hadn’t said to a partner in the heat of an argument,” Kirmayer writes. “Often, taking a step towards actually doing something about the problem you’re facing can be much more helpful than venting, not to mention empowering.”
Ultimately, it can feel great to sit with your coworker and to complain about the latest thing your boss did at lunch. Or, vent to your bestie about how your sister undermined you for the umpteenth time. But there comes a point when you’re only throwing gasoline on the fire. If you’re not talking about solutions, then you’re only making your problems worse.