5 conversation habits that push people away.
People are innately social creatures. Even introverts need human connection, so it can be upsetting to learn that something you've said unintentionally shut down a conversation. No one is immune to having a bad conversation, but certain things are surefire ways to make them awkward or uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Francesca Tighinean, a life coach with a bachelor's degree in psychology, shares self-help tips and tricks online across multiple social media platforms. Recently, the Romanian native who now lives in the U.S. shared conversation habits that unintentionally make people dislike you. But just because something is a habit doesn't mean it can't be broken, which is why Tighinean offers alternatives to behaviors people may find off-putting.
The items on the list are behaviors most people have been guilty of at least once in their lives, so don't fret. If you're struggling with maintaining conversations and feel like it could be due to one of these unintentional habits, stick around for how to address them.
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1. Interrupting someone's story
Getting excited about a story someone is telling and accidentally interrupting them to tell your own can create an uncomfortable situation. Tighinean points out that most people do this as a way to connect with a shared experience, but it can make the person sharing feel unheard. It can also feel like attempting to "one-up" the person's experience.
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The simple fix to this is to wait until the person is finished telling their story. "Ask them follow-up questions like, 'Oh my gosh, how was Paris? That's amazing,'' Tighinean says before adding that you can then share your story once you've shown interest in their topic. Another strategy that may help keep you from interrupting is to repeat the question you want to ask in your head. This will help you to remember what you want to ask and keep you from prematurely inserting yourself into their story.
2. Giving advice without being asked
"I know we all love to do this because we know better, or we've been through that. Or we love giving advice, we love feeling needed and valued, but it can come across as condescending and as if I know better than you what you should do with your own life. So if someone didn't ask you for advice, don't give it," the life coach says.
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Sometimes people just want to share what's happening in their lives and aren't seeking advice of any kind. Instead of offering up advice, Tighinean says the best approach is to ask if the person wants a listening ear or if they're interested in hearing advice. This allows the person to decide whether they want to hear advice, rather than having it heaped on them unexpectedly.
3. Bringing up someone's past opinions
People's opinions are not fixed. People are constantly learning and growing, so when you're talking with someone you're familiar with, bringing up a past opinion of theirs can be a turn-off. Tighinean explains that this can manifest in the form of commenting on someone eating meat when they were previously vegan, or putting them on the spot for something they didn't follow through on.
"This just makes people feel judged, exposed, and it threatens their social identity," Tighinean shares. Instead of mentioning past opinions or choices in social settings, ask them about something else. In the example of a vegan eating meat, you can tell them their meal looks good and ask how it is. There's no need to bring up the past in those moments.
4. Making someone's efforts sound easy
This is something that many people have experienced. It doesn't feel good, especially if it's something you have personally worked hard at. Tighinean gives the example, "Something like, 'Oh, it's not that hard; anyone can do it. Anyone can do your job.' This just minimizes their efforts, and their competence, and their sense of achievement, and it can also impact their self-esteem, so don't be surprised if they start distancing themselves from you."
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Instead of expressing how easy something is, the life coach recommends validating people's efforts, recognizing the achievement, and congratulating them. Creating a good connection with others requires interest in the person you're speaking with and the internal recognition that your skill set might be different than theirs, but it doesn't make their efforts less important.
5. Fixing errors in someone's story in real time
Sometimes details are important, but many times they're not when someone is relaying a story. At a get-together, if someone tells a story about breaking their ankle while getting ice cream, it isn't helpful or important to correct the flavor they purchased. In a social situation, bringing up small discrepancies in the middle of someone telling a story can push people away.
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"These irrelevant remarks or corrections just makes people dislike you," Tighinean says. "It shows that you value accuracy, what's accurate and what's real and perfect over connection. And it makes the other person feel embarrassed, even if you're technically right. If it's not central to the story, let it go. Preserve connection over correctness."