A man and woman chatting over some wine.
A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.
One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.
“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”
Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos
Here are some examples:
Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:
“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”
Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:
“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”
Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:
“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”
These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.
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“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."
Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.
A man and two women having a fun conversation.
It's bold but true: There’s no one alive who doesn’t feel some anxiety about making small talk with other people. The difference is that some confront their fears because they know the incredible benefits that it can mean for their social life, romantic prospects, and careers, while some shy away and miss out on many opportunities.
People who avoid small talk may believe those who excel at it are naturally charismatic or have been blessed with the “gift of gab.” However, many great conversationalists honed their skills and have a set of rules, techniques, and strategies they use when speaking to people, just like how people who do improvisational comedy or acting have a set of rules to follow to put everyone on the same page.
Confident, sociable people may make engaging with others look effortless, but that’s because they have a strategy.
A couple shares a pizza on a date. Credit: Danny Villegas/Pexels
New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Maxwell Institute, John C. Maxwell, had a rule whenever he started a conversation: “Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.” This can work in any social or professional situation, for example:
At work:
“Wendy, I heard you did great on yesterday’s conference call.”
“Frank, I hear the clients really love working with you.”
At a party:
“Mohammed, I really loved those pictures you posted on Instagram on your trip to Mexico.”
“Sang, are we going to get some of your incredible barbecue today?”
On a date:
“Thanks for choosing such a great restaurant, it has such a nice ambiance.”
“I really like the way your necklace brings out your eyes.”
Whether you are complimenting, relaying positive information about the person, or encouraging them, the key is to pump them up and make them feel good about themselves. The 30-second rule fits nicely into Maxwell’s overall view of relationships: “Those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract, cause us to withdraw,” he said.
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The key to giving the other person encouragement is to do so genuinely. If you aren’t genuine with your compliments or words of encouragement, your words can have the opposite effect and make the other person feel like you are being condescending.
Studies have shown that when people hear words of encouragement, they feel good and have a burst of energy. Psychologist Henry H. Goddard studied tired children and found that they had a burst of energy when he said something encouraging to them. But when he said something negative, they became even more tired.
Ultimately, a direct connection exists between being likeable and being genuinely interested in other people. William King once said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”
You can do it!
Every time you start a new conversation with someone, take the opportunity to share some words of encouragement with the other person, and you’ll be on your way to being seen as a brilliant conversationalist.
This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.
This trick can fix any attitude.
Raising kids can be a frustrating experience, no matter how rewarding you also find it. Sometimes, it can feel like half of parenting is repeating yourself over and over again, asking your child to brush their teeth or take a dish from the living room to the sink. It’s exhausting and makes you feel like a nag. Don't you wish there was a simple way to make your kids listen the first time?
Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, aka “Dr. Becky,” is a clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of Good Inside who says she has a quick way to make your kids more cooperative and less rude. Talk about killing two soul-crushing birds with one parenting stone. Dr. Becky got into psychology after struggling with anorexia as a teenager.
“Okay, no matter how old your kid is, you can use this 15-second tip to decrease rudeness and increase cooperation,” she says in a TikTok video with over 32,000 views. “Find your child today and ask them this question. 'Hey, I was just wondering, what could I do better as your parent?'”
A mom and son talk on the couch.Canva Photos
The psychologist says that even if the child has a random or impractical answer such as “Let me stay up ‘til midnight” or “I’d like to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner,” just to listen. Simply by listening, you can change your child’s behavior.
She says we should also ask more questions to further the conversation: “Tell me more. What would that be like?”
@drbeckyatgoodinside Want to improve your relationship with your kid in less than 15 seconds? Watch this reel for a quick-win strategy. The best part: When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids. Of course, I’m a realist… I know you need in-the-moment strategies too! Cue: My Conquering Problem Behaviors Workshop. You’ll get an entire toolbox of in-the-moment and outside-the-moment strategies for reducing outbursts and strengthening your bond with your kid. Learn more in the link in bio!
“I mean, imagine your boss coming to you randomly and asking how they could be a better manager to you. Just by asking the question and listening,” she continued. Dr. Becky says that asking our kids how we’re doing as parents communicates three essential ideas: “I care about you. I respect you. I'm invested in this relationship.”
This type of questioning builds a connection with a child that can spill over into other behaviors. “You're building connection. And with more connection always comes more cooperation,” she ends the video.
The big takeaway from the video is that when we enhance our connection with our kids, they will be less likely to disobey or be rude because they feel heard and respected, so there’s no need to act out. They will also return that respect by listening to you when you have a request, such as taking out the trash or putting down their phone and coming to dinner.
Some people in the comments got funny responses when they asked their kids what they could improve. “I asked my 5yr old. I got a mildly scathing look and she said ‘erm, maybe try and burn dinner less next time?’” one parent wrote. “My 5 yo told me to look better and get a haircut,” another added.
Dr. Becky’s quick question is a great way for parents to strengthen their relationships when things are going well instead of trying to forge connections during conflict. It’s a great reminder that even when parenting, an ounce of prevention is a pound of cure.
A happy family.Canva Photos
Dr. Becky sums up the importance of prevention in her TikTok caption: “When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids,” she wrote.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
Which of the 4 personality colors are you?
Do you struggle to communicate effectively with certain personalities? Are you on a totally different page from your boss who intimidates you (RED)? You can’t get a word in with your nephew, who never takes himself seriously (YELLOW)? Your spouse is reliable but always asking for more details and wants to overplan everything (BLUE)? Or does your BFF never have an opinion on anything (GREEN)?
The good news is that if certain people are frustrating to talk to, you’re not alone. In fact, according to Swedish behavioral expert Thomas Erikson, author of Surrounded By Idiots: The Four Types of Human Behaviour (or, how to Understand Those Who Cannot Be Understood), we have a hard time communicating with most people because we all have one of four communication personality types, and they often clash.
It’s great when you are, say, a BLUE talking to a BLUE and you both appreciate having a logical back-and-forth filled with plenty of details. However, if you’re a YELLOW and they’re a RED, you may find the person you’re speaking to is impatient and they think you are exasperating.
Let’s take a look at the four color personalities. Everyone is a combination of different colors, but everyone has a core language that they speak:
RED: (Dominant) Decisive, competitive, goal-oriented, and assertive. Focused on action and results.
GREEN: (Stable) Empathetic, patient, calm. Focused on cooperation, relationships, and harmony.
BLUE: (Analytical) Precise, cautious, detail-oriented. Focused on accuracy, structure, and logic.
YELLOW: (Inspiring) Persuasive, sociable, enthusiastic. Focused on fun, recognition, and creativity.
If, after reading the description, you’re not entirely sure which color you are, take this free quiz here.
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Communications Expert Vinh Giang explained how to interact with the different colors on his YouTube page. "Now, I'm not telling you to change the essence of who you are,” Giang says. “I'm telling you that if you want to be a more effective communicator, you need to learn how to adjust your delivery and speak in their communication style so that you can connect better with them.”
Here’s how he explains talking to different colors (text has been edited for length and clarity):
Ensure you are direct, decisive, and confident, and use frameworks effectively when communicating. They love the frameworks because they will help you become clearer, concise, and coherent. They respect speed, clarity, and results. So, skip the fluff and focus on the outcome.
Be enthusiastic, positive, and engaging. Don't say, "Let me give you a five-hour tutorial exactly on how to use this particular camera," instead of that, say, "Hey, just hit the record button. Have some fun. Go work it out as you go. You're going to love it." Why do this? Well, because they thrive on energy, ideas, and stories. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Keep it creative. Let them roam free.
Be calm, patient, and supportive. Don't say, "We need to make this change right now. Now, now, now, now, now." Say instead, "Hey, listen. I know this is a shift, but we'll move at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and I'm going to support you all the way through it." Greens value harmony and reliability. So, slow down, listen, and avoid pushing too hard too fast.
Be precise, structured, and factual. Don't say, "Don't worry about the details. Just trust me." Instead, say, "Here's all the data, and here's the step-by-step plan that I've created from the data, and I want to give it to you so you can do a quick double check if you want." Do you notice the subtle change there for the blue? They care about accuracy and process.
People looking at you while you make a speech.via Canva/Photos
While some people may feel they are being inauthentic by changing their communication style based on other people’s core personality colors, Giang reminds us that the best communicators can tailor their message to their audience.
“Masterful communicators meet people where they are and make the connection effortless,” Giang says. “We often hear the phrase, ‘Be yourself.’ And yes, look, that is true to a certain extent. But if you want to truly connect with others, you also have to learn to be dynamic like water. You adapt to the shape of the vessel that you're poured into.”
During World War II, President John F. Kennedy served in the Navy when his boat sank in the South Pacific.
John F. Kennedy was sworn in as the 35th President of the United States on January 20, 1961. But before that, he served in the United States Navy during World War II—and almost didn't survive.
Kennedy joined the Navy in 1941. After years of training and never seeing active combat, he actively sought out the opportunity to do so—and in April 1943, he was transferred to a torpedo boat base at Tulagi Island in the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific.
He commanded a patrol torpedo boat called PT 109. On August 1, he was sent out on an overnight patrol to intercept Japanese warships when it collided with a Japanese defender. PT 109 was split in two and eventually sunk, killing two crew members. Miraculously, Kennedy and 10 of his crewman survived—in part due to the future president's heroics.
Kennedy, who injured his back, and his crewman were left to swim ashore to a small deserted island called Plum Pudding. A strong swimmer, Kennedy pulled one of the injured crewman to shore using his teeth that were gripping the strap of a lifejacket worn by the injured crewman for over three miles. The crew were in the water for 15 hours before making landfall.
However, once they arrived on land, they had no food or water. They subsisted on foraged coconuts and rainwater. Four days passed and all hope was lost after multiple attempts at seeking help, until Kennedy and his men were discovered by two indigenous men paddling in a canoe. Serendipitously, the men were working for the Allies. Their names were Biuku Gasa and Eroni Kumana.
To communicate that Kennedy and 10 crew members were still alive, he carved an inscription in the husk of a coconut for Gasa and Kumana to pass along to Allied forces. [Gasa and Kumana heroically risked their lives to do so as well.]
Kennedy inscribed the coconut with the message: "NAURO ISL…COMMANDER…NATIVE KNOWS POS'IT…HE CAN PILOT…11 ALIVE…NEED SMALL BOAT…KENNEDY."
John F. Kennedy coconut inscription.Image via Reddit
It worked. The message was delivered to a New Zealand camp run by Lt. A. Reginald Evans, who summoned Kennedy first to come to the post with the team of natives. And on August 8, Kennedy's crew was rescued—a strategic feat that was done in enemy waters.
The aftermath was major for Kennedy. He was awarded both the Navy and Marine Corps Medal, as well as the Purple Heart Medal for his valiant efforts to save the crew of PT 109. In an interview, Kennedy later shared that he became a hero because: "It was involuntary. They sank my boat."
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Although they never met again in person, Kennedy maintained a relationship with both Gasa and Kumana, exchanging letters with them throughout his presidency. The deserted island he and his crew landed on was later renamed Kennedy Island.
To commemorate the story, Kennedy's father, Joseph P. Kennedy, had the coconut husk preserved in plastic. Kennedy kept the coconut husk on his desk in the Oval Office. Today, the coconut is on display at the John F Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum.
