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Pop Culture

Adults who lived through the 80s share what pop culture gets wrong about the time period

"Pop culture acts like the '80s were just a sea of nothing but neon for 10 years."

80s, 80s in pop culture, 80s movies, ask reddit, 80s fashion
Representative Image from Canva

Okay, but everyone DID have big hair. Right?

Judging by Gen Z’s Y2K-inspired fashion trends, you’d think the 2000s were nothing but people walking around the mall in pleated miniskirts and bucket hats. We can mostly chalk this up to the depiction of the era in movies like “Clueless” and “13 Going on 30.” Anyone born before the 90s can tell you that life was definitely not like that. But hey, sometimes fantasy is more fun.

Same goes for other time periods as well. For those of us without a degree in history, much of how we picture other eras is influenced by pop culture. Like how we think of Victorian women being obsessed with waist cinching thanks to almost every Hollywood movie showing a woman getting bound by an excruciating tight corset. Yep, that was previously debunked.


And sure, some movies and TV series, like “Mad Men” or “Schindler’s List,” make painstaking efforts to achieve historical accuracy. But often, they are works of fiction, and creative liberties are taken. And those liberties create the world for those who did not live in it.

That can even be said of the 80s, rife with Cold War threats and colorful leggings. Or…was it?

Recently, user Jerswar asked Reddit: "People who were adults in the 1980s: What does pop culture tend to leave out?"

Here are the raddest, gnarliest, most tubular response people gave.

1."The insane amounts of smoking inside. Especially in restaurants."

"When I worked in a restaurant, the smokers (backroom dishwashers/cooks) got more chances to sit around and take breaks to smoke. Then, when I got an office job, people had ashtrays at their desks. Often, the ashtrays were hand-made by a young relative in an elementary school class."

2." Anything we wore that wasn't neon. Pop culture acts like the '80s were just a sea of nothing but neon for 10 years."

via GIPHY

“And as if every girl and woman was dressed up in tulle tutus with off-the-shoulder lace shirts and a giant bow tied atop our heads.Not all of us were lucky enough to have our parents buy us new outfits like that. My wardrobe was full of old hand-me-downs. No neon, lace or tulle in the bunch."

"I graduated high school in 1984, and never dressed like Madonna or wore neon anything. We were poor, so it was crappy jeans that never got soft and T-shirts until I got a job. Even after that, I wore cords and overalls and sweaters from Chess King."

3. "How much decor from the '70s and '60s were still in houses and offices throughout the decade."

"This is something that I thought 'Stranger Things' REALLY got right. All the kids' houses look like they were built and decorated in the 1960s–'70s, which is how it really was. Nobody was living in fancy candy-colored Memphis-style apartments except California yuppies."

4. "I was born in the early '80s. I've been totally blind since birth. In the '80s, accessibility was virtually non-existent.That new Nintendo that the kids had? Good luck. Scholastic Book Club? Not in braille or audio. Everything is in print. Nothing to see here for me or mine. Then computers finally got accessible and Windows came out and they had to start all over again. I wouldn't want to go back to the '80s. I now have my phone that I can use to access the world, read what is on my grocery labels, have pictures described to me, and basically know what's going on in the world. In the '80s, so much went by without any context, and that was in the formative years of my childhood."

nintendo, 80s nintendo, braille

We've come a long way when it comes to accessibility.

Representative Image from Canva

5. "Reading everything — literally everything — I could get my hands on. Cereal boxes, newspapers, magazines. Luckily, my library was a bike ride away but carrying those back on my bike was fun."

"OMG, you are so right. That reminds me of things I hadn't thought about in ages.I used to feel so very bored that I'd read anything that had text on it, from cans of food to cereal boxes to whatever books (however insipid) I could lay my hands on. Even the obituary notices in the newspaper were worth a read. The internet really did away with the boredom, didn't it?!"

Speaking of reading…

6. "Trying to find something to read in the bathroom to pass the time. I remember shampoo bottles and the contents of my wallet were my go-to's when a magazine or book was unavailable." "Yes! Shampoo bottles for desperate moments of boredom."


7. "Might be my own bias but being a kid in the '80s there was a lot of casual bullying and conformism. Not that bullying and conformism ever went away, but the '90s was more about counter-culture a bit."

8. "I was a child in the '80s, but something that I don't think I've ever seen in modern pop culture retellings of '80s life, which I recall witnessing, is this: people think of the weird, wacky, fun colors and hair, etc., of the 1980s — like Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Boy George styles. BUT for many people and mainstream communities, that was considered a 'weird' or 'rock and roll character' kind of presentation. People would often openly stare, laugh at, or disparage people who looked openly unique. It took a lot of courage to go out styled like that. It was acceptable to have a more 'subtle' take on the fun color trends."

via GIPHY

"I believe the best real-time representation/evidence of this is in Cyndi Lauper's 'Time After Time' music video, there’s a scene where she sits down in a diner with her boyfriend and his friends. She pulls off her cap to reveal her new hairstyle - half-shaved and dyed bright colors. Her boyfriend's friends start hysterically laughing, the boyfriend is quietly embarrassed, and she runs out of the diner in tears."

9. "TV was just adult shows for most of the week, especially during summer break. Just soap operas and other boring things." "Staying home sick from school and all there was to watch were game shows and soap operas until the Gilligan's Island reruns came on."

10. "The sheer sense of doom and pervasive low-key terror of nuclear war. The Soviets' nuclear arsenal pointing at us, and their nihilistic posturing in some ways remind me of the climate change dread we now have. Living with an existential threat is not something new."

"This is so completely underestimated or misunderstood. All through high school, I was convinced that the world would just end one day, and I'd have to figure out how to survive in a post-apocalyptic world afterwards. Yeah, we thought that people would survive an all-out nuclear war."

11. "The homophobia."

"It was casual, rampant, and virtually unquestioned. If you were gay or lesbian, and not living in a major city like New York or San Francisco, you were probably in the closet, at least to everyone but some close friends and (maybe) family. If you were trans, forget about it. Enjoy your life of dysphoria and misery. You don't really see that depicted so much in pop culture now."

"AIDS and '80s homophobia went hand in hand, and it's hard to overstate how much AIDS destroyed the gay community and how the dominant culture thought that was a good thing."

12. "Being a latchkey kid it was no frequent communication with your parents. I can't tell you how many times I stayed out all night as an 18-year-old and no one but who I was with knew where I was or what I was doing. My parents didn't know what I was doing all day as a 12–17-year-old, either! You only called your parents at work only if it was an emergency."

"Yes. It's almost like a 'parents didn't care' attitude that would be ascribed to that behavior now (but that wasn't right). Ma needed to work and that she didn't get home until 7 p.m. was just a reality. Oftentimes, she was gone when I got up and we had zero communication until she got home. I was just responsible for the whole shpiel of keeping myself alive."

13.The obsession people/media had about the '50s and '60s.”

via GIPHY

“Part of it was stuff like 'Back to the Future,' '50s-themed diners and baseball jackets being popular, then there was the 20th anniversary of things, like various Beatles albums. I think the boomers at that point were in positions of influence and were looking back on their teens and twenties with rose-tinted glasses, so the rest of us had to suffer these cultural echoes from the generation before."

14."Cruising. Before social media, we would drive up and down the street, see and be seen. Stop at different businesses, the cool kids hung out at the Walgreens parking lot, the jocks at the McDonald's. But it was a small town so we would stop at all of them during the evening. That was our social world along with keggers in the desert all through high school and for folks that stayed in town for years after high school.

"It was like a social network but with your car."

And lastly…

15. "What a mess it was to get cleaned up!”

via GIPHY

“That sparkle-blue eye shadow didn't come off easily and if it got in your eyes it was torture! That red lip gloss ran all over. And shampooing your hair three times to get out all the hairspray and the mousse. I loved the '80s and I had a marvelous time. But it was messy... but way worth it!"


This article originally appeared in April.

True


Life can be bleak, so we’re going to be celebrating the small joys while we can—whether that’s a sweet snack that boosts your mood (courtesy of our friends at All In), or a dad joke so epic you'll hurt your eyes from rolling them so hard. These momentary mood boosters are everywhere you look—you just have to be able to find them underneath all the noise. And that’s where we come in.

Consider this weekly web series your cheat sheet to the best of the Internet—not just random memes to make you laugh, but examples of people truly finding something extraordinary in the mundane. Each Friday we'll be delivering five pieces of media that allow you to stop for a second, take a breath, and feel just a little bit brighter among the daily stress—and this week, in honor of Father's Day, it's dad-themed.

Ready to smile? Here we go.

1.The "soulmated so hard" trend

@breezeb3a

I’ll never recover from losing you 💓

♬ The Winner Is... Version - DeVotchKa

This is a TikTok trend that’s both wholesome and, at times, actually jaw-dropping. The premise is this: Pets can be our soulmates, and sometimes we “soulmate” so hard that our pets leave a lifelong impression on us. This trend has people showing how big of an impression their pets have made on them, even after they’ve crossed the rainbow bridge. In one video, user Brianna Kay shares an ultrasound of her baby with what looks like the outline of her dog kissing the baby on the forehead. In another video, an owner asks her soulmate cat to send her a sign from beyond the grave that she is at peace. The response (here) will shock you.

2. Dudes getting flowers

Why is it that men (traditionally speaking) are the ones who give flowers, and not usually the ones who get them? We don’t have a good answer for that, but it’s clearly time to flip the script. This week, our friends from All In are hitting the streets of New York and delivering bouquets to men, and they are absolutely loving it. Let’s make this a regular thing.

3. A new grandpa gets good news  

@ellelauricella In my feels today remembering my dad’s reaction to meeting my baby ❤️ We named his middle name after my father and kept it a surprise my whole pregnancy. This was one of the happiest moments of my whole life. #postpartum #dad #dadsoftiktok #dadanddaughter #grandson #firstgrandbaby #birthvlog #hospitalbirth #momsoftiktok #fyp #firsttimemom ♬ Stuff We Did (from 'Up') - Piano Version - your movie soundtrack

Just in time for Father's Day! There’s almost no better way to honor your dad than naming a new baby after him, which is exactly what happens in this video. It’s almost impossible not to cry (happy tears!) seeing this new grandpa learn the good news from his daughter, who’s already weepy from postpartum hormones. (We’re not crying, you’re crying.)

4. Dad's loving dogs

@aubree.avery I had to make a PowerPoint to convice my parents to let me get her & now she is four years old and my parents beg me everyday to let them keep her. #dogmom #doodle #doodlesoftiktok #dogs ♬ Kiss me Sixpence None The Richer - whitelinesprettybabyy

Speaking of adorable dads: It seems like there’s this universal experience where when someone brings a pet into a household, the dad of the household will refuse to bond with it (at least at first). TikTok has latched on to this truth and is now flipping the script, showcasing dads who initially refused to accept the family pet and are now treating it like their precious firstborn. Search “dads and the dog they didn’t want” on TikTok and you’ll find some hilarious examples (like this dad, testing every couch inside a furniture store to make sure he’s able to adequately rub the dog’s belly from his seat on the sofa).

5. A dog who just cannot handle a prank 

@haleyandthepets spoiler bro got mad instantly #foryou #foryoupage #dogs #fyp #dunkindadawg #viral ♬ snoopy von - joro.mixes

We can never share enough dog content, right? (That was a rhetorical question, because the answer is of course not.) Dogs are adorable. They’re hilarious. And they have some very strong feelings. In this video, one easygoing dog gets his “nose stolen” as a prank, and every time he finds out, he shows his owner that he is absolutely not having it. Give that baby her nose back!

For even more “extra”-ordinary moments, come find us on social media (@upworthy) or on upworthy.com!

For scrumptious snacks that add an extra boost of joy to your day, be sure to check out All In.

Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy.

Leo Tolstoy was a Russian novelist known for epic works such as War and Peace and Anna Karenina. His life experiences—from witnessing war to spiritual quests—profoundly influenced his writings and gave him profound insights into the human soul. His understanding of emotions, motivations and moral dilemmas has made his work stand the test of time, and it still resonates with people today.

Julian de Medeiros, a TikToker who shares his thoughts on philosophy, recently shared how Tolstoy knew if someone was highly intelligent—and his observation says something extraordinary about humanity.

intelligence, thinking, thought process, humanity, humansAn intelligent man's thought process.Canva Photos

“The more intelligent a person is, the more he discovers kindness in others,” Tolstoy once wrote. “For nothing enriches the world more than kindness. It makes mysterious things clear, difficult things easy, and dull things cheerful.”

@julianphilosophy

Intelligent people are kind #intelligent #intelligence #kindness #smart #tolstoy #men #women


De Medeiros boiled down Tolstoy’s thoughts into a simple statement: “Intelligent people are unafraid to be kind.” He then took things a step further by noting that Tolstoy believed in the power of emotional intelligence. "To have emotional intelligence is to see the good in other people, that is what Tolstoy meant, that to be intelligent is to be kind," he added.

It seems that, according to de Medeiros, Tolstoy understood that intelligent people are kind and perceptive of the kindness in others. The intelligent person is conscious of the kindness within themselves and in the world around them.

In a 2024 opinion piece for Inc., author and speaker Jeff Hayden cites organizational psychologist Adam Grant, who says, "Generosity isn't just a sign of virtue. It's also a mark of intelligence. Data: people with high IQs have more unselfish values, give more to charity, and negotiate better deals for others. They prioritize the long-term collective good over short-term self-interest. It's smarter to be a giver than a taker."

Hayden adds on to this statement, saying, "...You can also be smart enough to be generous, thoughtful, and kind. You can be smart enough to build people up instead of tearing them down. You can be smart enough to give before you receive (or better yet, with no expectation of reciprocation.) You can be smart enough to shift the credit from yourself to others."

kindness, intelligence, humanity, human condition, be kindKids showing kindness through sharing. Canva Photos

In other words, these findings certainly line up with what Tolstoy's take on the correlation between kindness and intelligence.

Through Tolstoy's musings, de Medeiros (and Hayden and Grant) makes a point that is often overlooked when people talk about intelligence: truly smart people are as in touch with their hearts as they are with their minds.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

An angry man in front of the American flag.

America has never been a perfect place, but since the Civil War, it has been one where most people bought into the idea of the country and supported the institutions that keep it running. People may disagree on politics and culture, but when America was threatened, whether it was 9/11 or World War II, people came together to fight for the country they love, even though the reasons may have differed.

However, it’d be naive to say that sentiment is still as strong as it once was. Since The Great Recession, many people have felt that the vibes are off in America, and polls and research back those feelings. Right around 2012, when smartphones became ubiquitous, there was a considerable rise in the number of people who felt that America was on the wrong track and that racism and sexism were considerably worse than they were just a year before. There was also a big spike in mental illness.

So what happened in 2012? Did the world suddenly become drastically worse overnight, or had our perceptions been changed?

woman, dispair, smartphone, bad news, woman in kitchen, upset womanA woman is upset looking at her smartphone.via Canva/Photos

Why does it feel like America is on the decline?

Other developed countries have experienced similar vibe shifts since 2012, but it has hit America the hardest. Economics blogger Noah Smith explains why this feeling of malaise has hit America so hard, and he illustrates it perfectly in a viral Substack piece called “Social media destroyed one of America's key advantages.” Smith is an American blogger and commentator on economics and current events and former assistant professor of behavioral finance at Stony Brook University.

In his Substack post, Smith postulates that the technological change hit America the hardest because it punctured our geographical buffers. “A hippie in Oakland and a redneck in the suburbs of Houston both fundamentally felt that they were part of the same unified nation; that nation looked very different to people in each place,” Smith writes. “Californians thought America was California, and Texans thought America was Texas, and this generally allowed America to function.”

Why did America fundamentally change in 2012?

Here’s an excerpt from Smith’s piece. Please check out the entire piece on the Noahpinion Substack.

Like some kind of forcible hive mind out of science fiction, social media suddenly threw every American in one small room with every other American. Decades of hard work spent running away from each other and creating our ideologically fragmented patchwork of geographies went up in smoke overnight, as geography suddenly ceased to mediate the everyday discussion of politics and culture.

The sudden collapse of geographic sorting in political discussion threw all Americans in the same room with each other — and like the characters in Sartre’s No Exit, they discovered that “Hell is other people.” Conservatives suddenly discovered that a lot of Americans despise Christianity or resent White people over the legacy of discrimination. Liberals suddenly remembered that a lot of their countrymen frown on their lifestyles. Every progressive college kid got to see every piece of right-wing fake news that their grandparents were sharing on Facebook (whereas before, these would have been quietly confined to chain emails). Every conservative in a small town got to see Twitter activists denouncing White people. And so on.


protests, american protest, protest sign, demonstration, mass gatheringA group of people protesting in the street.via Ted Eytan/Flickr

It may sound cynical to believe that America was a better place when people were less likely to talk to people with a different worldview. But, given how things have gone in the past 15 years, it’s fair to say that putting every American in a proverbial ring to fight it out just makes everyone feel under attack... and the fight never ends.

The problem with the Like button

Another development around the same time that many believe negatively affected the country was the development of the Like button on Facebook. The button made its debut in 2009, and it, along with the share button, which came in 2010, incentivized people to create content that their audience agreed with, creating echo chambers. The buttons also incentivized people to make outrage-provoking posts and create fake stories to go viral and increase advertising revenue.

maga, trump supporters, trump flags, trump rally, american flagsTrump supporters at a rally.via Elvert Barnes/Flickr

The positive takeaway from Smith’s geographical sorting theory is that, quite possibly, many people’s perceptions about life in Amerca are wrong because we’re seeing it through the distorted, funhouse mirror of social media that shows us every bad deed in a country of 330 million people and amplifies the voices of the unscroupulous. By pinpointing the moment that America “went to hell,” as author Jonathan Haidt says, we also have a roadmap to get back to when people had greater faith in America’s institutions and people.

Marc Martel sings with the audience in Santiago, Chile, in May of 2022.

Freddie Mercury was known for many things—his dramatic showmanship, his larger-than-life personality, and his untimely death during the peak of the AIDS epidemic—but he is most remembered for his clear, powerful voice, ranging from rich bass notes to impressive soprano coloratura.

It's hard to do Freddie's voice justice, but Marc Martel has managed to wow millions with his impersonations of the Queen lead singer. If you close your eyes and listen, there are seconds when you might swear you were hearing Freddie himself singing again.

freddie mercury, queenFreddie Mercury knew how to work an audience.Giphy

Martel's cover of "Bohemian Rhapsody" has been viewed 56 million times on YouTube. And another of his videos showcases Martel's ability to captivate an audience with his—or Freddie's—voice.

At a concert in Santiago, Chile, in 2022, Martel began playing the piano intro to "Love of My Life," one of Queen's simplest and most sentimental ballads. As soon as he opened his mouth to sing, the audience did the same—10,000 people all singing along in unison—and it's just beautiful.

Watch:

- YouTubeyoutu.be

Queen fans not only loved the sing-a-long but they were also blown away by how close Martel came to channeling Freddie Mercury with his vocals:

"I'm 63. Heard Queen from the start. This man is unbelievable. Why Queen didn't grab him is unbelievable, beyond belief."

"For those of us who love the Mercury timbre, Martel is a blessing."

"The part "you've hurt me" sounds exactly like Freddie. I also love the fact that people are singing too, it gives me Queen concerts vibes :)"

"When the crowd started singing, it genuinely gave me goosebumps. It was like he was singing with a choir. Some great voices in the audience! Well mixed too. Incredible as always!"

"Never mind the vocal inflections, he plays piano outstandingly. Freddie’s voice was so unique and original, it’s unbelievable how close Marc is."

And if you want to see Martel's "Bohemian Rhapsody" video with 56 million views, here it is. Enjoy:

- YouTubeyoutu.be

Amazingly enough, Martel never took singing lessons, instead learning from imitating his favorite vocalists. He also didn't grow up listening to Queen—he came to appreciate their music later in life.

Martel told Altwire in 2023 how he feels about constantly being compared to the late, great icon, Freddie Mercury:

"It’s obviously an honor, and I’ve been getting that comparison for a while, over 12 years now, on a regular basis, no matter what music I’m singing. Even when I try not to sound like Freddie, people will come up to me and there was a point where I was counting how many people would say that to me after a show, like 'Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you sound like Freddie Mercury?' It was at least 5 every time, without fail.

"It is an honor, there are far worse singers out there to be compared to. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve accepted it, and it’s something I’m never going to escape, so why bother? If I tried to escape it, or kind of morph my voice into something unnatural. It’s the way I sound and thankfully it’s someone who people genuinely love to hear."

Martel is taking his voice on the road again in 2025, touring the United States through the summer and heading to Europe in fall. If we can't have Freddie Mercury live, singing along with Martel to Queen's classics may just be the next best thing.

You can find more of Marc Martel's Freddie Mercury magic on YouTube.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

Pets

Family teaches their rats to drive tiny electric cars because, oddly, it's good for them

It may look like a circus stunt, but a real study shows learning to drive is actually beneficial for rats.

Kuzko and Kronk love their "rat rods."

Some people look at rats and immediately get the willies, but people who've had pet rats know that they make delightful furry friends. They each have their own personalities and intellect, and if you get creative, you can teach the rascally rodents to do all kinds of fun things.

One of those fun things, which likely comes as an unexpected surprise, is driving. That's right, you can apparently train a rat to drive a tiny car. And the best part? It's actually good for them.

Before we get into the scientific research on that front, you simply have to see little Kuzko and Kronk behind the wheel (or pedals, actually):

Kuzko and Kronk's owners (@emperorsofmischief on Instagram) say it only took a couple of months of training 5 to 10 minutes a day for them to get the hang of the "rat rod" controls—three simple pedals that make the car go right, left, and forward.

"They do seem to enjoy their nightly practice," their owner writes. "We removed the back doors a while ago to give them full autonomy, and now when the cars come out the rats are quick to jump in on their own and hit the gas!"

The basis for even trying this in the first place is a 2019 study from the University of Richmond. Researchers taught 17 rats, some of them lab rats and some raised in "enriched environments," to drive electric toy cars in exchange for bits of cereal. (Those raised in "enriched environments" made much better drivers, in case you were wondering.)

rats, rat experiment, rats driving, pet ratsAn experiment found that learning to drive lowered rats' stress levels.Photo credit: Canva

The experiment continued after the study was published, and neuroscientist and researcher Kelly Lambert explained how observing the rat drivers early in the pandemic led to new insights.

"Initially, they learned basic movements, like climbing into the car and pressing a lever. But with practice, these simple actions evolved into more complex behaviors, such as steering the car toward a specific destination.

One morning during the pandemic, the rats also taught me something profound.

It was summer 2020, a period marked by isolation for almost everyone on the planet. When I walked into the lab one day, I noticed something unusual: The three driving-trained rats ran to the side of the cage, jumping up and down.

At that point, my lab started looking into how positive events — and anticipation for these events — shape neural functions."

rats, rat experiment, rats driving, pet ratsRat studies are often used to inform human research. Photo credit: Canva

Lambert and another researcher began a new study looking at whether anticipation (or delayed gratification). They called the research program "Wait for It," as they required the rats to wait a certain amount of time before engaging in tasks they enjoy. The results may hold some promise for non-pharmaceutical interventions in mental health challenges.

"Preliminary results suggest that rats required to wait for their rewards show signs of shifting from a pessimistic cognitive style to an optimistic one in a test designed to measure rodent optimism. They also performed better on cognitive tasks and were bolder in problem-solving strategies. We linked this program to our lab’s broader interest in behaviorceuticals, a term I coined to suggest that experiences can alter brain chemistry similarly to pharmaceuticals."

The initial study sound that learning to drive seemed to have a stress-reducing effect on the rats, with all of them testing higher in dehydroepiandrosterone, an anti-stress hormone, than controls.

rats, rat experiment, rats driving, pet rats, holding a ratAnother experiment found that rats seem to actually enjoy driving. Photo credit: Canva

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean they like it. Rats do tend to thrive with interesting things to stimulate them, but one way to know whether the rats actually enjoy something is if they choose to do it instead of doing something that takes less effort. Lambert explained:

"Although we can’t directly ask rats if they enjoy driving, we created a behavioral test to gauge their motivation to get behind the wheel. This time, instead of giving rats only the option of driving to the Froot Loop tree, they could also make a shorter journey on foot.

Surprisingly, two of the three rats chose to take the less efficient path of turning away from the reward and running to the car to drive to their Froot Loop destination. This response suggests that the rats enjoy both the journey and the rewarding destination."

Enjoying both the journey and the destination is a goal for all of us, isn't it? Thanks to our rat friends behind the wheel, we may be a bit closer to figuring out how more of us can get there.

You can follow the adventures of Kuzko and Kronk and their rat rods on Instagram.

Canva Photos

Is sitting on the bench at the playground "lazy parenting"?

I've been both parents in this situation: I've been the dad climbing up the playground with my kids, chasing them, making up silly games. And then I've also been the dad who just wants to sit on the bench and rest for a few minutes, and who groans when my 4-year-old decides she wants to take on the monkey bars and needs my help.

The former makes you feel like a million bucks, but is utterly exhausting. The latter comes with a ton of guilt. Where does the guilt come from? Why is there so much pressure to always be "on"? I have no idea, but it's suffocating. And some parents have had enough.

One mom is taking a stand against the judgment and internalized-guilt. She says it's more than fine to sit on the side and let your kids play independently.


moms, motherhood, parenting, mom shame, mom guilt, dads, fatherhood, kids, playground, play, independenceSome parents get accused of "not supervising" their kids when they're literally sitting 10 feet away. Photo by Oakville Dude on Unsplash

Amanda, a mom of three, recently posted a video on Instagram: "I saw a reel that said, 'parents at the park should get off the bench and play with their kids...' NO" the caption read.

"God forbid we ... let the playground be for kids ... a space where they get to experience some freedom, explore, interact and engage with other children without their parent breathing down their neck," she writes in the post.

Amanda adds that the advice to "get off the bench" came from a parenting influencer she usually really likes and who has helped her come up with new ideas to connect with her kids. But it shows how deeply-ingrained the pressure really is when even the "good" parenting experts are anti-rest and pro-hyper-involvement.

"I’m just highlighting here that ITS OKAY if you don’t want to be the adult scaling the playground!!" Amanda says. "Didn’t think this was a controversial take but I’ve said it before on here and have been called lazy."


Surprisingly, users were split on Amanda's "hot take," and were pretty heated about it themselves. Over 1.2 million people watched the video and thousands chimed in with their thoughts on the matter.

Many agreed that it was ridiculous to hold parents to the always-on standard.

"That was definitely said by a non parent who probably got ten hours of sleep. The audacity"

"Those of us who are SAHMs go ri the playground for a mother freakin BREAK"

"I tell my kids all the time: 'Go play with your brothers, that’s why I made more than 1 of you' I’m here to sip my coffee and talk to my friends"

"solo mother to toddler triplets here. It has taken me 3 1/2 years to get to the point I can actually sit down at the park. I’d love someone to say that to my face while I take the ONLY 5 minute break I get in my day"

"This! There is an over correction in the parenting these days. This gen of parents wants so barely to not be the absentee parents of yesteryear that they over parent and are over involved"

Some parents had safety concerns about not being "right there" in case something were to happen.

"I hear you but sometimes my toddler wants to play on the bigger structure and I just stand below making sure he doesn't jump off the high platforms"

"I wish, my anxiety is too bad 😂 I’m working on it."

"Maybe when they stop making playgrounds with random drop offs I can be chill enough to sit down."

"Parents need to get off their phones. I'm tired of having to tell someone else's kid to stop throwing sand cuz their mommy cares more about their phone than their kid."

(Whether being on your phone while your kid plays within eye-and-ear-shot is inherently bad is another discussion we need to have.)

A few commenters brought up an even greater point: It's about more than just mom and dad getting a break. It's about giving kids an opportunity to practice independence.

"As a mom of two, I’ve learned there’s so much value in giving kids space to play, explore, and even figure things out without us constantly hovering. It doesn’t mean we’re lazy, it means we trust their independence and know our own nervous systems matter too. We need more conversations like this"

"Let them be bored. Let them get creative. Let them make new friends. Their parent is not their court jester. The playground is meant for children to play, not the parents."

In fact, a key element of the popular and scientifically-validated Montessori method is that children should never be interrupted when playing or focusing on an activity.

"When children are engaged in interesting activities, they are simultaneously practicing their ability to remain engaged, to attend to other activities and to manage multiple stimuli without losing the capacity to concentrate on one. For parents, supporting children’s developing concentration means, first, giving them the opportunity to concentrate without interruption," writes Raintree Montessori.

Many well-regarded educational philosophies center on child-led learning, independence, and allowing children room to flex their creativity and play the way they want. Kids without an opportunity to learn and practice independence early have been shown to have worse outcomes later in life.

Why do millennial parents feel so much pressure to be hyper-involved?


moms, motherhood, parenting, mom shame, mom guilt, dads, fatherhood, kids, playground, play, independenceIt's hard for parents to let go, but kids need chances to practice doing things on their own. Photo by Myles Tan on Unsplash

Gen X and certainly Boomer parents did not feel the same way. Many of them were and are more than content to let their kids run free without nearly as much supervision — for better or worse.

Maybe we've just seen too many influencers wagging their fingers at us, having grown up on social media. We've seen too many news stories about kidnapping and other bad actors stalking public parks. We've seen the horrible injuries and accidents amplified by social algorithms that feed on fear and anger. And so we "helicopter." Not to be controlling, but to be protective.

Bit by bit, though, the public conversation is changing. Parents are being encouraged more and more to let go, just a little bit.

It's such a fine line, though. Many parents hover over their kids on the playground precisely because of potential dangers, bullying, or negative interactions with other kids. And who wouldn't do anything in the world to protect their child?! But it's also more than OK for a parent to consider that a crucial part of the independence lesson. Sometimes it's good for kids to work out conflicts on their own! It's even good for them to push their limits too far and fall down!

Ultimately, you don't have to be a "play" parent or a "bench" parent. You can choose for yourself based on your child, what he or she needs, and what the situation calls for. In the end, there should be a lack of judgment whatever you choose.