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Heroes

The Most Hilarious Sex Education Video Narrated By A Dwarf From The Hobbit I Have Ever Seen

Whether you know Richard Armitage best as Thorin Oakenshield from "The Hobbit," or as Sir Guy of Gisbourne from BBC's short-lived "Robin Hood" series, it's pretty safe to say that this incredibly amusing and informative documentary about a world of people-sized sperm would not be the same without his rich narration. This is so much better than anything your teacher ever showed you in health class.

Here are some moments you don't want to miss:


  • At 0:58, meet the sperm. They make weird noises and run up a mountain. This is totally normal sperm behavior.
  • At 2:07 meet Glenn. He has a "miracle of engineering tucked away in his pants." This is totally normal human biology.
  • At 3:00 sperm is very particular. But it's fun to watch in a petri dish. This is totally normal scientific behavior.
  • At 4:00 experts answer the question, "In our people-sized sperm world, what would a testicle be like?"
  • At 7:20 did you know some sperm like to knit in their down time? Get it together, Glenn!
  • At 8:40 this is for you, history buffs: sperm entering a vagina is like the sexual equivalent of D-Day.
  • At 9:39 Glenn heroically brushes his teeth. This is weirdly normal human behavior given the intensity of that D-Day metaphor.
  • At 10:56 there is a "wet and wild high-speed ticket to oblivion."
  • At 11:30 ejaculation is pleasurable for the man, but what do sperm experience? Warning: one of the sperm in this segment looks bizarrely like Harry Potter. Another warning: there is Enya music.
  • At 13:00 this scientist reveals some of his more, er, personal specimens? This is totally normal scientific behavior.
  • At 13:36 you won't believe what old-timey scientists thought about sperm. They used to call sperm "animicules" which I think is just adorable.
  • At 15:35 DON'T EJACULATE TOO MUCH.
  • At 16:10 Glenn's sperm quest begins. This is totally normal quest-like behavior.
  • At 17:15 everything is epic. THIS is the "Lord of the Rings" of sex-ed videos.
  • At 20:30 the cervix looks pretty ominous. Then it sends down metaphorical mucus ladders. This is totally normal cervix behavior.
  • At 26:20 you learn that the better the sex, the better the chance of conception?
  • At 28:10 you might want to look away for this very visual bit about female pig orgasms.
  • At 30:38 a healthy egg from a fertile donor costs about $30,000. Remind me again why I went to college?
  • At 32:15 strippers helped evolutionary psychologists understand ovulation and attractiveness to males or something. This is mostly typical pretend social science that concludes with the result that women are more attractive to men because of ovulation and control men's reactions to them because of a connection between big boobs and smaller waists? Picture me sighing exasperatedly.
  • At 35:45 watch out, sperm, IT'S A TRAP! (admiralakbar.gif)
  • At 40:44 get to sperm heaven.
  • At 44:20 find out what sperm smells like. Science!
  • At 46:12 the sperm strip down to their underwear.
  • At 50:46 the sperm blows its head up to win the race. This is totally normal sperm behavior.
  • And finally, at 52:30, let's have a moment of silence for all the dead sperm that didn't make it.
This story first appeared on the author's Medium and is reprinted here with permission.

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