masculinity

When guys want to start working on self-improvement, they're told that Step 1 is always, every time, without fail, going to the gym. For better or worse, this is where men are repeatedly told to go to begin turning their life around. Whether it's gaining confidence, becoming stronger, looking better, or of course, the classic, attracting more women, guys have all sorts of expectations of what fitness can do for them. We're constantly told that lifting weights is the key to solving almost all of our problems. But is it really?

Real men who work out regularly are sounding off on social media about gym expectations vs reality and the responses are incredibly illuminating. If you're thinking about getting started on your own fitness journey, it might help to know exactly what you are, and aren't, in for.

Expectation: Wanting compliments from women. Reality: Getting them from men.

Sometimes gym bros are the best bros.Giphy

Studies, and some common sense, show that women are more attracted to men who appear strong. This inspires a lot of men to hit the gym hard in order to improve their chances, but the reality is they tend to vastly overestimate the impact lifting weights will have. In fact, most guys who work out quickly find that it's actually other men who are more likely to notice their hard work and throw them compliments.

In fact, bodybuilding as we know it—oiled up dudes with massive muscles in tiny speedos—owes its roots to the queer community. So, you could say that a lot of the things guys chase in the gym today, like big shoulders and biceps, were initially designed to attract other men.

"I thought women would compliment me on my muscles, but in reality I only get compliments from other gym bros 😅....and that's cool too!" a commenter wrote in a Reddit thread on the subject of gym expectations vs reality.

"I thought girls would be into me... Sadly, it's men that seem to give me more attention now," said another.

Not ideal for guys hoping to score more dates, but hey, a compliment is a compliment.

"Buddy I haven't seen in a while just told me my legs look juicy. Feels good bro," admitted one user.

Expectation: Getting stronger and looking better. Reality: It takes a long, long time.

Guys start working out with visions of looking like Mr. Olympia, but few realize how long it takes and how much consistency and mental grit are required to start seeing results. Social media bombards us with quick transformations in order to sell us supplements and workout programs, but the reality for most guys is that it will take years of consistent hard work to feel like you're really getting somewhere. Oh, and you'll probably never look like Mr. Olympia.

"I just didn’t realize how long it would take. At 2-3 sessions per week, it took a year before I saw anything in the mirror," one user noted, adding that it took over three years of consistency to see major changes.

Expectation: More self-confidence. Reality: Body dysmorphia.

When men start working out, they often believe that if they lose weight or look more fit, they'll gain confidence. And often times, that's true! But in some cases, hyper focusing on the size of your pecs or the visibility of your abs can have the opposite effect. You can lose sight of the progress you've made and end up feeling even worse about your body.

"Unfortunately once you see improvement, sometimes you are always trying to up the improvement," a man wrote.

"I've even had other people comment on the weight loss and I have tangible evidence in a reduced waist size, yet when I look at myself I still feel big as ever," said another.

"Not really new, its a pretty common occurrence that once you get bigger you'll feel too small and as if you dont train hard enough to grow faster," noted one commenter, referencing a phenomenon sometimes called bigorexia.

Expectation: Less pain. Reality: Being sore all the time.

This is how you move when you're in shapeGiphy

"[I expected] Less daily pain. Result: different daily pain," wrote one commenter.

My wife and I joke about this all the time. We both workout to be strong, fit, and healthy. Half the time, though, our legs are sore from squats and lunges and cycling and we're both waddling around the house. It kind of feels like it defeats the purpose at times.

Exercise is one of the best ways to relieve pain in your knees, back, hips, and more. But if you overdo it, your muscles will pay the price for days afterwards, or worse, you'll wind up injuring yourself.

Expectation: Six pack abs. Reality: It's not worth it.

We can't all have abs like UsherGiphy

Ah yes, the Holy Grail of fitness for men: The elusive six pack. You could easily argue that men care more about abs than women (let's just not restart the dadbod discourse again, please), but whether the pursuit is misguided or not, almost every man who steps foot in a gym has at least dared to dream that one day they might acquire rock hard abs.

Guys in the thread showed up to tell us that, sadly, it probably won't happen just because you work out hard.

"[The reality is] I’m just sorta in shape bc I don’t watch my diet… you can tell I have a physique, I can lift heavy, and have endurance, but there’s some chub," one commenter admitted.

Six pack abs require either terrific genes, extreme discipline, or a combination of both. And the guys who have put in extraordinary effort in the gym and the kitchen to get there are here to tell us it's probably not worth the hassle.

"As someone who's gone down to about 10% to get abs. Don't. It's genuinely not worth it. I sit at around 15% which for me doesn't show ab definition, and I'm so much happier than I was with abs," one guy says.

Expectation: Feeling better physically. Reality: Feeling better mentally.

By now, we've learned that expectations of working out don't always match reality. It's not likely that you'll completely transform your body (at least not quickly), become perfectly happy with how you look in the mirror, and have women throwing themselves at you. But that's not to say that fitness isn't a goal worth pursuing. Sometimes, the most positive effects aren't the ones you see, but the ones you feel.

"One of the things I did not expect was being able to deal with my mental health, but it was a pleasant surprise to find out how much it helped me counter my depression," one man commented.

"Regular, strenuous physical activity is the thing that made the most dramatic difference in my mental wellbeing. My new girlfriend has these motivational memes everywhere, and one of them says 'Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily and watch your dreams come true.' Dammit if that isn't the most truth I've learned in the last few years," added another.

The men's self-improvement industry has sold us a lot of fairly toxic ideas. It tells us to chase big muscles, six pack abs, and adoration from women in the gym, and that these things will ultimately bring us peace and happiness. Most guys who have been down this road have found out that that's simply not true.

However, getting and staying active does have a ton of benefits if you get into it for the right reasons. It can improve longevity, boost your mood and confidence, help you sleep better, and more. You may not become a Casanova with the ladies, but the guy spotting you on the bench press or complimenting your shoulders might just become a new best friend, something men desperately need more of.