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A letter to the woman who told me to stay in my daughter's life after seeing my skin.

'I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men like me who love fatherhood.'

Doyin Richards

Dad and daughters take a walk through Disneyland.

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Fathers Everywhere

To a stranger I met at a coffee shop a few years ago who introduced me to what my life as a parent would be like:

My "welcome to black fatherhood moment" happened five years ago, and I remember it like it happened yesterday.

I doubt you'll remember it, though — so let me refresh your memory.


It was a beautiful Saturday morning in Los Angeles in 2011, and I decided to walk my then 3-month-old daughter to the corner Starbucks. That's when I met you — a stylish older white woman who happened to be ahead of me in line.

You were very friendly and offered up many compliments about how cute my daughter was, and I agreed wholeheartedly with you. She's cute.

But after you picked up your drink, you delivered this parting shot:

"No offense, but it's not often that I see black guys out with their kids, but it's such a wonderful thing," she said. "No matter what happens, I hope you stay involved in her life."

And then you put on your designer sunglasses and left.

Meanwhile, I was like...

celebrity, racism, challenges, stigmas

That was unexpected.

GIF from "Live with Kelly and Michael."

Here's the thing: I'm not angry with you, but I want you to understand the impact you had on my life.

Do I think you're a mean-spirited racist? No, I don't. Actually, I bet you're a really nice lady.

But let's be real for a second: Your view on black dads was tough for me to stomach, and I want you to know a few things about what it's really like to be me.

1. I want you to know that we have challenges that other dads don't experience.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy — let me brace myself while he 'blacksplains' how hard his life is while shaming me for ignoring my white privilege."

But that would be missing the point. We all have our challenges in life, and I'm not about to bring a big bottle of whine to a pity party.

Instead, as you probably know, today's dads are trying to shed the stigma of being clueless buffoons.

nurture, unicorn, mainstream media

Kid, you're gonna love this! Wheeeee ... uh oh.

Image from Giphy.

But black dads have an additional obstacle to hurdle in that we're often seen as completely disinterested in fatherhood. Trust me, it gets old when people automatically assume you're not good at something because of the color of your skin.

Our encounter was the first of many examples of this that I've witnessed, directly or indirectly, in my five and a half years of fatherhood, and I'm sure there will be more to come.

2. I want you to know that I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men just like me who love fatherhood.

During the months that followed our brief meeting, I felt a need to prove that you — a complete stranger — were wrong. I needed to prove there were plenty of black men just like me who loved being dads.

I knew a lot of these great men personally: My dad, my two brothers, and many others embraced fatherhood. But could any data back up how much black dads embraced fatherhood? Because the examples in mainstream media were few and far between.

Thankfully, the answer is yes.

A few years after I met you, a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed that 70% of black dads are likely to engage in common child-rearing activities such as diaper changing, bathing, toilet training, etc., on a daily basis. That's a higher percentage than white or Hispanic fathers.

Full stop.

This isn't about black dads being "the best" because parenthood isn't a competition. It's about showing that we're not even remotely as bad as society makes us out to be.

And outside of the CDC study, I saw firsthand how hands-on black dads are when I was thrust into the public eye, too, because a lot of them reached out to me to tell their stories.

We nurture our kids.

dads, social norms, ethnicity, privilege

Getting close to the twins.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

We're affectionate with our kids.

fatherhood, children, family, parenting

Love is universal.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And we do whatever our kids need us to do.

equality, community, gender roles

Dad takes a deserved nap.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And none of that should come as a surprise to anyone.

3. I want you to know that I believe you meant well when you praised me for being involved in my daughter's life, but that's what I'm programmed to do.

Disneyland, fathers, daughters, ethnicity

Princess dresses at Disneyland? You bet.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

I will always be there for her and her baby sister.

Even though I just described how black dads are different from many dads, I hope the takeaway you have from this is that we have a lot of similarities, too.

Please don't fall into the trap of saying that you want to live in a colorblind world because it makes it harder to identify with inequality when it happens. Instead, I hope you can recognize that we have the same hopes, dreams, and fears as other parents, but the roads we travel may not be the same.

And no, I don't want an apology.

But I hope when you pick up your next latte and see a dad who looks like me that you'll smile knowing he's the rule rather than the exception.


This article originally appeared on 06.15.16

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Here's to the stepdads who step in and step up to fatherhood.

Happy Father's Day to all the stellar stepdads.

Some fathers are there at the starting line. And some fathers step in partway through the race.

My biological dad left my mom when I was a toddler. I don't even remember living with him, and my memories of weekend visits throughout my early childhood are vague. He loved me, I'm sure, but he eventually slipped off the radar. He wasn't abusive or a massive jerk or anything. He just wasn't there.

Who was there was my Dad. My stepdad, technically, but for all intents and purposes, he was and is my Dad. He stepped in when I was four, and stepped up to raise two kids who weren't his. He went to the parent-teacher conferences, attended the school plays, surprised us with trips to the ice cream shop, taught us how to change a tire. He loved us, not just in word but in action.

As a parent myself, I now understand how hard it must have been to step into that role. Step-parenting involves unique relationship dynamics, and you have to figure a lot of things out as you go along.

My Dad had his own demons from his own childhood to deal with on top of that, and his cycle-breaking parenting still awes me. But he was always there to cheer me on, comfort me, and talk me through life's challenges. He wasn't perfect, but he was there, actively engaged in the marathon of fatherhood every step of the way.

Stepparents are often vilified in stories, but there are millions of awesome stepdads out there.

Without a doubt there are some terrible stepdads (and stepmoms) out there, just as there are some terrible parents in general. But there are a lot of great ones, too.

Alison Tedford's 11-year-old son Liam is lucky to have such a stepdad. Liam shares his time between his mom's and dad's house equally, but when he is with his mom, he's also with his stepdad, Paul. Alison says that Liam adores Paul, who stepped into the stepdad role when Liam was 7. Paul spent the first couple of years carrying Liam to bed every night, per Liam's request. Now that he's too big for that, they practice lacrosse and play video games together.

"To support Liam in his love of lacrosse, Paul took a lacrosse coaching course and is the team statistics manager," says Tedford. "They are best buds and Paul treats him with all the love and kindness he does his own kids. He drives him all sorts of places, goes on field trips, and makes sure he has everything he needs and is having fun. He's a really great stepdad."

These aren't the kinds of stories that make the news. But millions of stepdads dive into supportive, involved parenting as they fall in love with their loved ones' kids.

Having a stepparent is now about as common as not having one.

According to the US Census Bureau, half of the 60 million kids in the U.S. live with a biological parent and the parent's partner. And the most common stepfamily configuration—85% of them—is a mom, her biological kids, and a stepfather. That's a whole lot of stepdads.

Blending families can be complicated, and figuring out how to navigate those waters isn't easy. But family counselor and researcher Joshua Gold calls becoming a stepdad both "a challenge and an opportunity."

"The challenge comes in rejecting previously held beliefs about what it means to be a father," Gold wrote in The Conversation. "Stepfathers – and I count myself as one – must avoid outmoded notions of compensating for the absent biological father or paternal dominance."

"The opportunity comes in devising a parenting role that expresses the best and fullest aspects of being a man and a father figure," he wrote. "Done consciously and deliberately, the role and function of the stepfather can be tremendously fulfilling for all, and a source of lifelong joy and pride."

Here's to the stepdads who step into that role, step up to the challenge, and make the most of the opportunity to have a positive, nurturing influence in children's lives.

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The beautiful way fatherhood's evolved — in 7 awesome photos.

Dads are pretty darn awesome.

They're often known for being super-creative, exceptional tea party guests, and turning into some pretty skilled dancers when need be.

They're also increasingly becoming known for being especially kind, gentle, and loving. Unfortunately, this side of fatherhood isn't often shown in imagery. But photographers and photo companies are working to change that.

1. This amazing papa looks totally at ease holding his adorable child. Photo by Layland Masuda/Getty Images.

According to Tristen Norman, head of creative insights and planning at Getty Images, making sure photos of loving, compassionate dads are included in their photo archive is an important way to shift the narrative of masculinity and fatherhood.

2. Who says dads can't clean up after their kids? Data — and this super cute photo — say otherwise. Photo by Maskot/Getty Images.

"When imagery only tells us one narrative, these views emerge as restrictive and one-dimensional, omitting diverse voices and ultimately normalizing a singular stereotype," Norman says. "Just as images have this ability to set narratives, so too do they have the power to change perceptions. Which is why it is so important to us to change the visual narrative around fatherhood — and we’re in a position to help do that."

Why is it so important to present imagery of fathers in loving, patient moments with their kids? Because research shows it's pretty darn important to them.

According to the Pew Research Center, dads have become just as likely as moms to see parenting as a central part of their identity.

54% of fathers surveyed reported that parenting is rewarding all the time, in contrast with 52% of moms. In short, a lot of dads love parenting — and they want to be good at it.

3. Yes, dads are pretty excellent multitaskers, too. Photo by Maskot/Getty Images.

"As parental roles have changed and expanded, we don’t need to hold on to this outdated view of fathers being disengaged, remote, or even absent," Norman says.

"Positive imagery has positive impact, so showing fathers doing their daughter’s hair, reading to their children, cooking with them, teaching them responsibility are important in influencing the next generation of parents."

4. Reading or simply spending time with your dad can be one of the most meaningful moments of the day. Photo by Anchiy/Getty Images.

Some of the positive imagery reflects the fact that dads are making important gains in the child care arena.

In fact, according to research from 2016, fathers reported spending about eight hours per week caring for a child, about triple the amount fathers reported providing in 1965.

5. Yes, dads can, will, and should do laundry. Oh, and they've got time to play too. Photo by Hero Images/Getty Images.

"Showing active fathers who are rolling up their sleeves, wiping faces, changing diapers, getting messy and involved, is so important in breaking down old typecasts and presenting new role models for men," Norman says.

In addition to breaking down decades-old stereotypes, Getty Images is also looking toward the future of fatherhood.

As the number of same-sex parents continues to rise (according to Census Bureau data, there are about 110,000 LGBTQ couples raising children) in the U.S., Getty hopes to continue showing more diverse imagery of fathers, including various jobs, ethnicities, and sexualities.

"We really want to expand this view of fatherhood and all socialized gender roles," Norman says. "Showing dads who have no hesitations about playing with their daughters on her terms, whether that means playing tea party or building a model rocket ship. Or dads teaching their sons how to cook as well as how to catch a baseball. We need to move away from the nuclear family with the station wagon and elevate LGBTQ+ families, single dads, older or stay-at-home dads. And we need to broaden the scope of fatherly love."

6. This heartwarming photo shows that dads can be just as nurturing as moms. Photo by Yoshiyoshi Hirokawa/Getty Images.

It's important that society creates imagery that shows dads playing a key role in their child's life.

As stereotypes, such as only being the "sidekick" or "fun" dad, start to become less common, Norman hopes that Getty Images and other photo companies ensure that visuals amplify a diversifying definition of what it means to be a good dad.

"This is a stereotype that has been particularly prevalent throughout history, but can play out differently within specific communities," Norman says. "It can be as mild as ‘sidekick’ or ‘disengaged,’ or as pernicious as ‘deadbeat dad’ or ‘absent father.’ Visually showing this commitment to parenting and sustained connection throughout a child’s lifecycle — not just as infants — is fundamental to breaking down these harmful clichés."

7. An educational moment with dad can be a great way to end the day. Photo by Adam Angelides/Getty Images.

"These images challenge the old (and toxic) visual manual to fatherhood, empower men to be equally present in raising their children, and enable society to embrace the full spectrum of today’s fathers."

If fatherhood continues to look anything like these photos, I can't wait to see what's next.

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5 heartwarming moments when teenagers appreciated their parents for a change.

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Whirlpool Congrats Parents

When you think of teenagers, "grateful" is probably not the first word that comes to mind.

In fact, teenagers often have the opposite reputation — spoiled, entitled, and selfish. Fittingly, advice for parents of teenagers frequently focuses on how to deal with bad attitudes.

However, labeling all teens inherently ungrateful isn't totally accurate. Many teenagers actually do appreciate their parents’ hard work, whether it’s cooking, doing their laundry, or helping them study for next morning’s algebra test.Of course, it might be hard to see that gratitude, especially when teens are busy hanging out with friends, texting at the dinner table, or slamming the occasional bedroom door during a disagreement.

Photo via iStock.

So, for parents who are feeling doubtful about whether or not their kids appreciate their hard work, here are five stories of teens who were just waiting for the right moment to show their gratitude.

1. Without money for a gift, this single mom's daughter made a touching gesture.

When Kira Allen's daughter Vivian was 17 years old, Kira didn't think she'd be getting a gift for Mother's Day.

"As a single mom, I've always done my best to meet our necessities," the California mom explains. She liked to cook for her kids, especially her delicious homemade blueberry-apple crisp.

But that year, Kira says, "We were too broke for gifts."

Kira was just returning to work after medical leave for issues including severe anemia, sleep apnea, and a high risk for stroke. She'd originally only planned to take two weeks off, but once she got to the bottom of her medical needs, she realized she was in "a battle for survival," so her medical leave went on for another three and a half months.

However, even though they were short on money, Vivian didn't want to disappoint her mom by leaving her empty-handed on Mother's Day, especially after the year she'd had. So, she wrote Kira a heartfelt note.

Vivian's note to her mother. Image via Kira Allen.

"Dear Queen," she began. "Without you there is nothing. No sun, no moon, no stars — in my world."

Today, Vivian is 23 years old and away at college, and she's missing her mom's blueberry-apple crisp. But her note is still where she left it, on her mom's nightstand. "It still means more to me than anything she could have ever purchased," Kira says.

2. A tattoo went from giving a dad a scare to being his greatest gift.

Photo via iStock.

In April 2018, Richard, a dad from New Jersey, thought he was getting the shock of his life when his 18-year-old son Jonathan sent him this text: "Guess what dad I'm getting a tattoo."

Richard worried that Jonathan was making a rash decision. However, when he saw what his son chose for his new ink, he was surprised in the best way. Jonathan's tattoo was a set of Roman numerals marking the day that his dads adopted him.

"I was so taken aback," Richard told the parenting website Gays With Kids. Jonathan was 5 years old when he was adopted, and as the years passed, his father wondered if he'd forgotten the date. But now, Jonathan's first tattoo will always remind him that his son is forever thankful for the day they became a family.

3. This daughter's personalized messages to her mom fit every occasion.

[rebelmouse-image 19534387 dam="1" original_size="3804x2562" caption="Sarah Davis (left) with her mother, LaTonya. Photo by Holly Pohl Photography, used with permission." expand=1]Sarah Davis (left) with her mother, LaTonya. Photo by Holly Pohl Photography, used with permission.

Sarah Davis was 17 years old on Mother's Day in 2017, and she wanted to give her mom, LaTonya, something unique — a gift LaTonya could enjoy for years to come.

Sarah had recognized the sacrifices that her mom made for her while growing up. In fact, as a teenager, she had even begun taking on some of LaTonya's household tasks herself in order to give her mom a little extra help. For example, when LaTonya was having a bad day, Sarah would clean the fridge, the pantry, or other common areas.

But to do something really special for Mother's Day, Sarah wrote a collection of personalized notes along with instructions on which note to read when, such as "when you need a smile," "when you can't sleep," and "when you're missing me."

As soon as she saw the instructions, LaTonya had a touching realization: Her daughter must have put a lot of thought into this gift.

Sarah's instructions for her gift to her mom. Image via LaTonya Davis.

"I haven't opened all of the notes yet because I feel like it's the gift I don't ever want to end," LaTonya says.

She continues, "[Sarah] regularly shows appreciation for all of the opportunities afforded to her, but this reminded me that she sees me not only as a mom but as a whole person."

4. A birthday gift got one mom's unique wishes exactly right.

"Birthdays have always been a source of conflict for me," Asha Rajan says.

Growing up, she was raised to believe that being a girl or a woman meant making yourself "small" by avoiding drawing attention to yourself. She carried that belief into parenting, often sacrificing her own moments of celebration to make sure her kids received attention instead of herself.

And that's exactly what made Asha's 2018 birthday so memorable — her teenage sons, Nik and Milan, got the celebration just right. The day included breakfast by Nik, an ice cream cake with candles, and a homemade card that Milan decorated with a painting he'd made in fifth grade.

Asha with her sons, Milan (left) and Nik (right), in 2014. Image via Asha Rajan.

"Having my teens recognise [my] quandary and celebrate me with love and humor while still not making it too much about me made me feel understood," she says.

“I adore being the mother of teens — all the smelly sports clothes and wet stinky towels notwithstanding!”

5. This college freshman's sweet tribute to his dad went viral in his first week of school.

Every year since kindergarten, Charles Brockman III's first day of school started out the same. His parents, Sherry and Charles Jr., would walk him into school and take a photo.

At times, he found the tradition embarrassing (especially while in high school), but once he left home for the first time to go to college, he actually missed his parents' annual display of support and encouragement.

So after the 17-year-old settled into his new dorm room as a freshman at Mississippi State University, Charles wanted to say a simple thanks. He tweeted side-by-side photos of his dad walking him to school, along with the words, "From the first day of kindergarten to college move in. Thank you dad."

By the time classes started, his tribute had been retweeted more than 64,000 times and liked more than 263,000 times.

"[My parents] have pretty much supported me in everything I do," Charles told NBC News a couple of weeks later. "Knowing that makes me want to be successful and make them proud. I don't mind sharing that."

No matter how big or small, a teen's gesture of appreciation is a reminder to parents everywhere that their love, care, and sacrifice has huge meaning.

Image via iStock.

And kids aren’t the only ones who’d like to celebrate all of the hard-working parents out there. Whirlpool has created  "Congrats, parents" as part of its Every day, care® campaign in order to share uplifting messages for the parents of the class of ‘18.

After all, the class of ‘18 wouldn’t have made it to graduation day without the sacrifices that so many parents make for their kids. Throughout the journey towards graduation, those parents have put their time toward preparing their kids’ meals, making sure they always had clean clothes, and keeping the house in order along the way.

That’s why, even when teenagers are caught up in their own lives or when they don't have money for lavish gifts, they can still find unique ways to reveal just how much they care about their parents. These gestures can appear when you least expect it — which, in turn, makes them all the more meaningful.

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