Dad shares the hilarious conversations he has with 5-year-old daughter and folks are cracking up
"Why do people congratulate you when Mom is making the baby?
All parents have had similar convos with thier kiddos.
Raising kids is tough, but there's a lot of laughs along the way. Especially when actual conversations start, as kids begin trying to make sense out of the world around them, ask questions, and test mommy and daddy's resolve.
Back in 2018, comedy writer and children's book author James Breakwell, with four daughters who were all under the age of eight at the time, shared their hilarious conversations on X. From these tweets, it looks like comedy runs in the family. Here's a sampling of some Breakwell's funniest kid-inspired tweets.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: Who's your favorite in the new Star Wars movie?
5-year-old: Kylo Ren
I'm suddenly very concerned with where our relationship is headed
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2016
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.
5: I know. They're an all-day food.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
While Breakwell's 7-year-old wasn't as heavily featured, when she was quoted, the sarcasm was palpable. Which makes sense, considering that kiddos begin understanding this mechanism around that age.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
Me: It's Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
7-year-old: There's no school.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2018
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?
Me: What should she do?
7: Trust me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
Me: Why?
7: Then you won't eat it.
She's my new diet plan.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Kids really do say the darnedest things, and we love them for it. It one of the many, many ways then bring so much joy to the world. It almost makes up for the headaches and sleepless nights, doesn't it.
This article originally appeared seven years ago.
Remember when Michael Cohen threatened a reporter? Jim Carrey definitely does.
If you hadn't heard, Jim Carrey likes to paint.
Swapping out the hustle and bustle of Hollywood for a more quiet life of canvases and color swatches, Carrey's been making all kinds of statements via his paint brush. But in recent months, the iconic actor has taken a liking to reimagining the figures we often see splashed across front pages and news chyrons: high-profile members of President Donald Trump's orbit.
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images for AFI.
Now, a new caricature created by Carrey is making waves again.
The subject is Trump's personal lawyer, Michael Cohen. And the depiction ... isn't too flattering.
The painting includes words wrapped around the lawyer's head you may have missed at first glance.
Ensnaring Cohen's turquoise face is a quote from Trump's personal lawyer: "I’m warning you, tread very lightly because what I’m going to do to you is gonna be fucking disgusting."
The slightly edited-down quote was part of a larger threat Cohen made to The Daily Beast back in 2015, when Trump was the front-runner to be the GOP nominee for president. During an interview with Cohen, the media outlet brought up an allegation from the president's ex-wife, Ivana Trump, that the then-candidate had once raped her while they were married.
Cohen, rattled by the subject matter, basically blew up. Here is the quote Carrey incorporated into his painting in full context (emphasis added):
Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.
While Carrey hasn't specified why he chose that particular quote, Cohen's attack on the free press is especially telling in lieu of recent news.
The home, hotel room, and offices of Trump's self-proclaimed "fix-it guy" were raided by the FBI earlier this month, casting doubt on Cohen's innocence in shielding the president from ongoing investigations into his business dealings and alleged extra-marital affairs.
Just days after the raid, with the eyes of the country on his every move, Cohen dropped libel suits against BuzzFeed and Fusion GPS for their roles in publishing the so-called Steele dossier, which connected Trump to Moscow through various unconfirmed claims.
It appears Cohen's bark is worse than his bite when it comes to his disdain for the free press.
Cohen's not the only one in Trump's world who's taken a hit from Carrey's paintbrush.
In March, the actor shared a painting of an angry, open-mouthed press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Some slammed the caricature as sexist. But others defended Carrey's work, as the style of the painting fell in line with the actor's other works, and unflattering depictions of powerful people have often been used as a tool for political commentary — regardless of the subject's gender.
Between the time Huckabee Sanders' portrait went viral and his latest recreation of Cohen, Carrey painted several other Trump allies as well.
Like Scott Pruitt, the president's embattled EPA chief.
And Trump's new controversial and very hawkish national security adviser, John Bolton.
Even Fox News host — and, incredibly, client of Cohen's — Sean Hannity got a shout-out from Carrey.
Carrey's creations are brash, unapologetic, and as candid as they come. They may not be your cup of artistry tea — regardless of where you lie on the political spectrum — and that's OK.
But the actor's commentary on Cohen's threats to the free press are critical to keep in mind for every Republican, Democrat, and independent alike. After all, it was George W. Bush who once said media is "indispensable to democracy."
"We need the media to hold people like me to account," the former president told NBC News last year — breaking with Trump's move barring several news organizations from White House press briefings.
A free press is American as apple pie. And if it takes a Canadian actor to remind us of that, so be it.