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Equality

I'm still a closeted, queer woman. This is what pride means to me

I'm still a closeted, queer woman. This is what pride means to me
Photo by Jose Pablo Garcia on Unsplash

Editor's Note: Raleigh Van Ness is a pseudonym used by Upworthy in order to protect the anonymity of the author.

It's hard to pinpoint the moment I knew I was queer. Growing up, I knew I was different. I liked boys because I was told I should like boys. I chased Chris for a kiss in Kindergarten on a whim and a dare—not out of any true want or desire. In fifth grade, I dated Brandon for his ball cap. It was a status symbol. It got me clout with the hip kids—the cool kids, you know, the girls who wore cropped sweaters and acid-wash jeans. While I had a steady stream of boyfriends in middle school, I did so to appear normal. To be normal. Plus, I couldn't possibly go to the Halloween dance alone, so I didn't.

I held Tyler's shoulders and swayed to Savage Garden.

Terrance sang every word of Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" in my ear.

But the truth is my eyes weren't for them, not at 10, 12 or 17. I was—and always have been—attracted to women.

The first girl I recall liking was my best friend, Kathlyn. She was a sweet girl. A kind and loving girl. She was also beyond smart. The bookish type. Her long, brown locks regularly covered her eyes. But there was something about her gap teeth and freckled skin that enticed me. It entranced me. I wanted to be more than good friends.

I began having fantasies which would make you blush and would make my mother ashamed.

In high school, I scoured the scenes of scrambled porn—which, for those unaware, is how kids watched X-rated films in the pre-internet days—for curved lips and hips. For breasts and bare buttocks. I became obsessed with women's reactions and the sight of their satisfaction. I wanted to know that feeling. I wanted to share it with another.

On occasion, I've flirted with my desires. I've kissed and caressed some amazing women in my life, but no one knows it. Well, besides a few drunken college encounters caught on camera. But no one knows it because I am living a double life.

I am married to a man.

I am not alone. According to the Williams Institute at UCLA, 4% of adults in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, transgender or bisexual. This means there are approximately 9 million LGBTQ individuals in America, and many more live like me, in silence and in secret. While living in the closet can be isolating—scratch that: it can be upsetting, enraging and (some days) it fills me with shame—during Pride Month, I am humbled. I am thankful. I am accepted and understood.

You see, when I see a rainbow banner or flag I smile shyly, coyly because I feel seen. Even though I am closeted, I feel a sense of community. I feel like I belong and I am understood.

During Pride Month, I feel I am able to celebrate myself completely. Fully. I've spent my whole life ashamed of who I am—of what it is I feel, want, need, who I love and what I deserve—but seeing others embrace LGBTQ individuals makes me love myself and embrace myself. Seeing others celebrate Pride makes me value myself.

Pride month reminds me of how far I've come. Sure, I haven't "come out" to my friends and family, but I have come out to myself, and that is worth celebrating. Acknowledging my true self is half the battle.

Pride makes me feel backed. Supported. Like I have a family and home.

I also feel an immense sense of gratitude during Pride. I am thankful for the voices of others. For the strength of others. For the fight of others, and hope one day I can join them. I hope one day I have the courage to be myself. Loud and proud.

Make no mistake: There are days I still struggle. I hate myself. I am angry with myself. I feel like a failure and a fraud. On these days, I convince myself I have no community. Until I am open and honest, I am neither straight or queer. But while closets hide things, they don't keep secrets. Silence does not take away my identity. I am a wife, mother, runner, and a writer.

I am also a proud queer woman.

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Planet

45 years ago, Carl Sagan beautifully explained the fourth dimension with just an apple

Sagan was the Mister Rogers of complex scientific concepts.

via Carl Sagan Planetary Society/Wikimedia Commons and John Finkelstein/Pexels

Carl Sagan used a sliced apple to perfectly explain the fourth dimension.

The concept of the fourth dimension seems beyond human comprehension. As three-dimensional beings, we are unable to see beyond a physical object's height, width and depth. What else could there be? Even if you understand the concept, it is almost impossible to picture it in your mind, which is bound by the limits and realities of the physical world around us.

Enter Carl Sagan, revered as one of the greatest science communicators of his time. Perhaps best known for his research into extraterrestrial life, he was one of the first people to demonstrate that life could have existed on Mars. Sagan possessed a unique gift for demystifying complex scientific concepts, making them accessible and thrilling for the general public. If you never had the pleasure of watching him on television, you could imagine him as something of a Scientific Mister Rogers. Friendly, a wonderful storyteller, and always able to distill difficult lessons into their simplest form.

In 1980, on Episode 10 of the groundbreaking PBS show “Cosmos,” Sagan embarked on a mission to explain the seemingly impossible fourth dimension.


carl sagan, cosmos ,4th dimension, 3-D, 4-D, 2-D, physics, theoretical physics, math, science, space, spacetime, einsteinA great communicator and handsome, to boot.Giphy

Many of us have commonly heard of time being considered the fourth dimension. That's not so hard to understand — in order to locate an object in the universe, you'd need to know three dimensions of its spatial location and also the time during which it exists.

But there is also a more theoretical and harder to understand place, where all four dimensions are spatial. It is nearly impossible for any of us to comprehend... without the help of a gifted teacher.

What’s excellent about Sagan’s explanation is that he uses simple and relatable objects: an apple and a Tesseract, or a hypercube.

carl sagan, cosmos ,4th dimension, 3-D, 4-D, 2-D, physics, theoretical physics, math, science, space, spacetime, einsteinSagan explains that if an apple existed in a 2-dimensional space, anyone living in this "flatland" would only see a cross-section of it at a time.Giphy

"In discussing the large scale structure of the cosmos, astronomers sometimes say that space is curved. Or that the universe is finite but unbound," Sagan begins. "Whatever are they talking about?"

Yeah, this guy gets it.

Sagan then goes on to explain how a two-dimensional being living in a flat world would perceive a three-dimensional object like an apple.

Watch his full explanation here. It's hypnotic and entertaining and incredibly enlightening.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


“Imagine we live in this ‘Fllatland’/2-D plane with no concept of ‘up’ or ‘down.’ Then along comes a 3-D object like an apple. We do not even notice it until it crosses our plane of existence — and even then, we have no idea what the apple is,” Sagan explains. “We see only a fragment as it passes through our plane. There is no way we can comprehend the 3-D quality/dimension of the apple, because it is more than we can understand. We only have the evidence of what has passed through our plane.”

To further demonstrate, Sagan stamps the apple into an inkpad and then onto the surface in front of him, which represents Flatland and all of its inhabitants. Inside Flatland, the apple exists only as its points of contact on the paper; or four small dots. He adds that as the apple passes through the 2-dimensional Flatland, its cross-section changes. So someone living in that plane of existence would experience the apple as an ever-shifting and rearranging set of shapes or objects. Wild!

Sagan then related this two-dimensional experience of the third dimension to how we might try to understand the fourth. To do so, he used the Tesseract, a four-dimensional cube, to demonstrate how difficult it is for us to perceive or visualize dimensions beyond our own three.

carl sagan, cosmos ,4th dimension, 3-D, 4-D, 2-D, physics, theoretical physics, math, science, space, spacetime, einsteinA tesseract can not exist in 3-dimensional space, but it can be approximated the same way a cube can be drawn on paper.Giphy

Sagan explains that the tesseract is a cube expanded into a 4th dimension, but "I cannot show you a tesseract because I, and you, are trapped in three dimensions." But what he can do is show us a 3-dimensional rendering of one. Just like a cube can be drawn and approximated (or cast a shadow) onto a piece of paper, a 4-dimensional tesseract can be imperfectly represented in 3-dimensional space. Still following?

At this point, Sagan is asking the viewer to expand their minds to understand the fourth dimension metaphorically. Though we cannot see it or even properly visualize it, that doesn't mean that the things we can see can't offer clues and lessons about the fourth dimension.

Studying 4-dimensional space can help in our understanding of the universe around us. Just because we see and experience only three dimensions doesn't mean that's all that exists. It's critical for physicists and mathematicians to be able to understand and map these theoretical spaces to better comprehend things we otherwise can not explain. Remember the ever-changing, rearranging set of shapes as the apple passes through Flatland?

Sagan’s demonstration of the fourth dimension isn’t just a wonderful explanation of a scientific idea that many of us find difficult to comprehend; it’s also a great example of how to teach complex ideas by combining clear explanations, everyday concepts everyone can understand, and brilliant storytelling.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Joy

Sad Gen Xer has a long list of names that Gen Z teens say are strictly for ‘old ladies’

Sorry, Ashley, Amanda, and Lisa, you're the new Gertrude.

via Canva/Photos

A Gen X woman confronting her age.

It’s impossible to give someone a timeless name unless you choose one with a religious connotation that people will also return to, no matter how popular, such as Mohammed or John. So, unless your parents think of something out of the box, your name will probably be identified with your generation.

It’s hard to escape the fact that once rare names become popular for about 15 years, until they are so ubiquitous that people tire of them, and then they drop in popularity pretty rapidly. If you look at this baby name visualizer, it’s easy to see this simple, repeatable trend.

If you look at the name Jennifer, you’ll see it began to become popular in the late '60s, peaking in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, and then steeply declining. Hence, when people hear the name Jennifer, they assume you’re a Gen Xer (1965 to 1980).

baby names, jennifer popularity, baby name visualizer, jetpack ai, trendsThe historic popularity of the name Jennifer. via Baby Name Visualizer

Brian, another Gen X name, has a similar trajectory as Jennifer. One wonders how many Brians and Jennifers got married in the early 2000s?

baby names, brian popularity, baby name visualizer, jetpack ai, trendsThe historic popularity of the name Brian. via Baby Name Visualizer

Kelley Cole, a registered remote nurse, had a harsh realization recently when talking to some younger people at work. Her name and the girls she grew up with are now seen as old people's names by teens. “I was told my name was an old lady's name by the teenagers on the adolescent unit I was working on,” she begins her video. “I was surprised, so the subject came up of what names are old lady names versus young names.”


@kelleykelleykelley

#oldladynames #names #girlnames #babynames #popularnames #trendynames #genx #millennial #genxnames

Here’s a list of names the Gen Z kids think are for “old ladies.”

Ashley

Amanda

Jessica

Stephanie

Jennifer

Christy

Tracey

Stacey

Amy

Crystal

Kelly

Lisa

Jordan

Michelle

Shelley

Laura

Lori

Cathy

Tammy

Heather

Angela/Angie

gen x, old lady names, grandma names, old people names, baby namesGen X woman looks at her laptop.via Canva/Photos

Here’s a list of names that the Gen Z kids think are “young people's” names:

Bella

Isabelle

Olivia

Olive

Ava

Eden

Emma

Abigail/Abby

Ella

Gracie

Zoë

Rose

happy young woman, happy teen, brunette woman, smile, woman touching faceA woman with black hair smiling. via Canva/Photos

The funny thing is that the so-called “young people's” names are all part of a trend where people began giving their children older names. “I feel like all the ‘young girl’ names were on the Titanic,” Jennifer (probably a Gen Xer) wrote in the comments. “They're not wrong because we ain't young anymore, but the young ones have great-grandma names,” Tikitinax added.


But some people couldn’t deny that the Gen Z kids were pretty spot on in their list. It reads like a roll call for children in the second grade in 1985. "I'm 42, and you just listed every girl I went to high school with. Kids nailed it," Dave wrote. "Hey! All those 'old lady names' are my friends! What the heck," Schmack wrote.

If your name got filed onto the “old lady” list, it may sting a bit, but it's just part of the natural baby name cycle. Today’s cute baby name is tomorrow’s PTA president, and future Medicare recipient. The good news is that even though Ava and Zoë may be laughing now, in just a few years, they’ll find themselves on the “old lady” list, too.

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Family

Middle-class families share how much they have in their savings accounts and it's eye-opening

"We make the most money we ever have and have zero savings. We live paycheck to paycheck and every month I don’t know how we get by."

Photo by Karolina Kaboompics/Pexels

Many middle class families are sharing that they have nothing in savings right now.

According to an April 2024 Gallup poll, 54% of Americans identify as part of the middle class, with 39% identifying as "middle class" and 15% identifying as "upper-middle class." That percentage has held fairly steady for years, but what it feels like to be a middle-class American has shifted for many.

Notably, inflation caused by the pandemic has hit middle-class families hard, with incomes not keeping up with cost-of-living increases. Housing costs have skyrocketed in many areas of the country, mortgage interest rates have risen to levels not seen since the pre-Obama era, and grocery bills have increased significantly. One government study found that the cost of living has increased between around $800 and $1,300 a month, depending on the state, since 2021, putting a squeeze on everyone, including the middle class.

How much money do middle-class Americans have in their savings accounts?

One woman shared that her family is just getting by and asked other middle-class people to "chime in" with what they have in their savings accounts.

@abbyy..rosee

somethings gotta give #savings #middleclass #relatable

"I swear, every paycheck I am putting money into my savings, but needing to transfer it back within a few days," shared @abbyy..rosee on TikTok. "My registration is due. My husband's registration is due. He needed two new tires, even though they had a warranty. That's $300. My oldest needs braces, he needs a palate expander, that's $120 a month. Not to mention groceries are $200 more a week. Forget about feeding your family great ingredients because who has $500 a week to spend on perfect ingredients to feed your family?"

middle class, cash, savings, family finances, dollar bills, A depressed couple doing their bills.via Canva/Photos

She explained that her husband makes enough money that they should be able to live comfortably, and that she quit her job because the cost of daycare was more than she was making.

"At some point, something has to give," she said. "What is going on? How do I save money?"

People in the comments chimed in with their savings account totals and it was quite eye-opening. Many people shared that they have $0 saved.

"We make the most money we ever have and have zero savings. We live paycheck to paycheck and every month I don’t know how we get by."

"I think the middle class is 1 personal disaster away from bankruptcy."

"Y’all got savings accounts?!?! 😂"

"I used to freak out if I had under $10k in savings, now I’m happy when I have over $150. 😫"

"We make almost 100,000 a year with no savings!!!! It's always something!!"

"I'm lucky if we have $500-$1K for an emergency. Every single time we start saving, something happens: the vet, the cars, the kids... something."

"Savings account? I transfer money each paycheck but always end up needing to transfer it back. My husband makes great money too but we are scraping by."

"$803 but we have to pay a $750 deductible this week b/c my Husband hit a deer soooo… back at it 😭 It’s exhausting. Constantly draining it, refilling it, transferring."


middle class, cash, savings, family finances, dollar bills, An upset couple doing their bills.via Canva/Photos

Some people shared that they do have some savings, but several said it was because they'd had an inheritance or other chunk of money come their way. Many people shared that their savings has dwindled as increased costs have taken their toll. Some people gave lifestyle advice to save money, but most agreed that just the basics have gotten so expensive it's harder to make ends meet much less put extra into savings.

Thankfully, the inflation issue appears to be waning, but even just plateauing at their current financial reality isn't ideal for many American families. Middle class is supposed to be a comfortable place to be—not rich, but well enough off to feel secure. That's not how many middle class folks feel, though. Most Americans don't have anything close to the amount of money saved that is recommended across the age spectrum, but at least hearing that others are in the same boat is somewhat comforting.

middle class, cash, savings, family finances, dollar bills, An upset couple doing their bills.via Canva/Photos

Further, a 2024 study found that 37% of Americans can't afford an unexpected expense over $400, and nearly a quarter of them don't have any emergency savings at all. “Not all surprises are good, and people know it. The study suggests financial precarity at a time when household finances may be stretched due to rising prices and inflation,” says Rebecca Rickert, head of communications at Empower. “Life happens, and people are stressed about the surprise expenses that could tip them off-balance.”

It can be vulnerable to share your financial reality, but it's helpful to hear what other people are doing and dealing with so we all feel less alone when we're struggling. Perhaps if people were more open about money, we'd all be able to help one another find ways to improve our financial situations rather than lamenting our empty savings accounts and wondering how to change them.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Culture

29-year-old moves to UK and is baffled when her boyfriend hides his pajamas under a pillow

"British people: please confirm if I need to send for help"

Canva Photos

An American woman was so confused when she discovered her boyfriend 'hiding' his PJs somewhere strange.

When 29-year-old Cameron moved to London in 2024, she was expecting a bit of culture shock coming from New York City. Though she was used to living in a big city, she knew there were certain things they did differently in the UK, and she expected it would take her time to pick up on all of them.

She had to learn British slang, adapt to their style of greetings and humor, develop a taste for their food, and learn how to properly order a Guinness. Somewhere in all of that excitement, she met a man and fell in love.

When Cameron moved in with her boyfriend, Laurence, she noticed something peculiar about his pajamas: Every night, he'd hide them under his pillow before bed. Was he a serial killer, she wondered, or just British? While making the bed one day, Cameron found a pair of shorts, aka jammies aka pyjamas aka jimjams, tucked behind one of her boyfriend's pillows.

pajamas, pyjamas, sleep, sleep habits, sleep routine, british culture, american culture, culture shock, viral videos, tiktokOne solution: The Bananas never took their Pajamas off.Giphy

Cameron took to TikTok to find out if this was a cultural thing or if she should be concerned about Laurence's strange behavior.

"Can someone please tell me what this is about? I just moved in with my British boyfriend and he does this every morning and I just wanna know why, and if it's actually a thing with other people," she says. She then whips the camera around to show a (rather adorable) pair of pajamas neatly folded and discretely hidden away behind one of the pillows on the bed.

"British people: please confirm Y/N if I need to send for help. Why does he do this??" Cameron captioned the video.

@camabroad

British people: please confirm Y/N if I need to send for help. Why does he do this??

The Brits responded to the call, and came out in full force of the pyjama-hiding boyfriend.

Here are just some of the comments:

"As a British person I can tell you this is ingrained in us from literal birth"

"Where else do you put your pyjamas?"

"Hi! I’m from Spain, I think that’s an European thing, here we do it too"

"I think it’s an European thing as I’m French and used to do this as a child"

"Too clean to put in the laundry, not clean enough to put back in the dresser so we put them under the pillow to wear them again that night."

"Royal inspectors visit 1000s of houses across the U.K. every day and if your pyjamas aren’t under your pillow and your crumpets aren’t in your crumpet bucket you have to give a shilling to the king."

Pajamas under the pillow is normal not just in the UK but all over Europe. It seems to come from a cultural expectation that pajamas don't need to be washed after every use. As a parent who's absolutely drowning in two kids' laundry every day, I totally respect this idea! Maybe we'll even steal it for my household. It's practical and even kind of fun.

Though Americans and Brits speak mostly the same language, and we both need to sleep, our bedtime routines can be drastically different.

Mattress sizes are different in the UK and America, for example. As you'd probably expect, the UK doesn't have anything quite as big as the popular King size—though the British Super King is close.

Americans also religiously drink coffee first thing in the morning whereas many Brits like to wait for mid-morning, if they drink coffee at all. For now, tea still reins supreme.

We Americans are big on white noise while we sleep to drown out distractions and sometimes even our own thoughts. About 52% of Americans use music or white noise to sleep compared with just a quarter of folks in the UK.

Brits also commonly use a hot water bottle to keep the bed warm at night during the winter, something that's completely foreign to Americans. This is partly because of another big difference in how UK and US-ers sleep. In the US, we tend to use a top sheet under our cover or duvet which provides extra insulation and keeps things warmer.

Finally, about a quarter of Americans use melatonin regularly to fall asleep. In the UK, you can only get melatonin with a prescription!

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Our sleep rituals are so personal to us and so vitally important in how we live our lives. You can imagine how jarring it might be to go to another country and discover that you, with your white noise and melatonin and your fresh jammies every night, are the weird one!

TikTok viewers got a kick out of Cameron's discovery, and it's always fun to playfully and respectfully discuss our cultural differences. There's always more to learn!

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Fatherhood

Navy veteran, 83, visits home he helped build 'brick by brick' with his dad 70 years later

His dad built it in 1955 to live the American Dream.

Patriotic Kenny/Youtube

Kenny, 83, a Navy veteran, visits the home he helped his dad build 70 years ago.

Driving past the home you grew up in is an emotional experience. Looking at it from a distance, memories start to flood in, and for Navy veteran Kenny, 83, a recent drive-by of the home he helped his dad build in the 1950s brought back a treasure trove of heartfelt stories.

Kenny (@patriotickenny), with the help and support of his close friends, drove past the home that he helped build brick-by-brick with his father while he was in high school. He shared memories of his dad and mom, and how the house was a labor of love and the American Dream.

"This house build was so special," they captioned the post. In it, Kenny is sitting in the backseat of a car as he is driven past the home, and his reaction is captured in the emotional video.

Kenny's friend Amanda is driving, and he excitedly tells her, "Keep going! See that big white house down there with the porch? Right there! There it is!" After Amanda asks if his dad really built it, he responds, "Yes he did! It's still identical to this day the way he built it." After saying how nice it looks, Kenny becomes emotional and adds, "I miss that place."

He goes on to share more details of how the house was built with his help, explaining that they laid all the brick and how they salvaged the bricks from Fort Snelling. "We went over there with his pickup and hauled them a load at a time," he says. Kenny adds that construction began in 1955, about the same time he entered the service in high school. "I helped him a lot."

Kenny also details how his mom put her touches on the home. "Around the whole front my mother had it solid with peonies. Solid. She planted it all the time, peonies and geraniums on the side," he explains as his voice cracks and holds back tears.

Kenny also helped build another home with his dad, which was captured in another video shared on his page. Kenny explains that this home was actually ordered from a catalogue then built together in the late 1970s.

"Yeah, that's it!" he says as he claps his and with excitement. "Oh it's junk now but he's got a flag. And the deck is still on!" he says about the home on 10 acres of land. "Me and my dad started all the framework there...my dad he always helped me. We helped each other." Kenny also shares that he fenced the property for their horses with boards, which still stand.

In 2021, Kenny met his friends and neighbors Jenny and Amanda, along with Jenny's dad Jerry. Ever since, they have called themselves "The Crew" and began creating videos together showing Kenny's life and experiences as a veteran. Kenny began the Patriotic Kenny Foundation to help raise funds for mobility scooters for disabled veterans after he was blessed by his own from generous donors.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Since then, his videos have continued to bring joy to his viewers. Many were moved by his genuine emotion after visiting the home built with his father:

"So sweet. The admiration for his parents. He's like a little kid talking about them, getting emotional 🥹," one wrote.

"He’s so precious. I wish I could give him a big hug. I love that he was able to go back and see so much and his contribution to it," said another.

"I love hearing his stories. It is a very nice house. I know he’s proud to have helped his dad and learned so much from him," gushed someone else.

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