Mel Robbins making a TED Talk.
Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.
The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”
This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: "Let Them." This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.
“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.
“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”
“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.
The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?
@melrobbins Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode
How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.
It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.
“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.
The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”
the beatles wave GIFGiphy
This article originally appeared last year.
A man looks anxious.
Anxiety disorder affects nearly one-fifth of the population—just in the U.S. alone. NAMI.org reports that over 19 percent of Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder, which should be distinguished from regular, run-of-the-mill "adrenaline" nerves that someone might get from public speaking or being stuck in traffic.
For those in the know, it can feel debilitating at times. As with many mental health diagnoses, there's a range of severity and causes. We're either "born with it" genetically, or a traumatic event may have occurred that triggers it. No matter why or "how badly" it occurs, it can feel especially isolating to those who endure it—and to those who want to help but don't know what to say or do. Therapy can help - and when needed, medication. But understanding it, for everyone involved, can be tricky.
- YouTube Clip about anxietywww.youtube.com, Psych Hub
Anxiety is not like a cold you can catch and treat with an antibiotic. It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like to someone who doesn’t experience it. The best way I can describe it is that you're always sitting in the uncomfortable cesspool of anticipation.
I don't just mean existential angst like, "Is there an afterlife?" or "Will I die alone?" I mean, like this: "Will my car shut down in a busy intersection? What if I need a root canal again someday? (I will.) Will he call? What if my dog walker forgets to come while I'm temping? What if someone runs a red light? Did I say the right thing at the party? Am I shrill? What's my blood pressure?" Are you exhausted yet? Imagine big and small questions like this running continuously on a loop through the grey matter of a brain, dipping in and out of the logic in the frontal lobe and then click, click, clicking as it gets snagged on a jagged edge and repeats… again and again and again.
A record spins on a loop.Giphy GIF by Shingo2
Though well-intentioned, there are solutions people often offer that—at least for me—tend to make the tension worse. Many mental health therapists have weighed in on the phrases best to avoid and have offered more helpful alternatives.
1) On laureltherapy.net, they begin with the old chestnut: "JUST RELAX."
When every synapse in your brain is on high alert, someone telling you to "just bring it down a notch" only makes it worse. It's literally the opposite of what your brain chemistry (and not by choice) is doing. It's similar to "Just calm down," which for the same reason, can feel dismissive and unhelpful.
They offer instead: "I'M HERE FOR YOU." It acknowledges your discomfort and gives a soft space to fall.
2) Another sentence to avoid: "YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE."
This would be like telling someone with a physical disability that it's their fault. Instead, they offer: "YOUR FEELINGS MAKE SENSE."
Sometimes you just want to feel seen/heard—especially by those closest to you. The last thing one needs is to feel bad about already feeling bad.
3) On Everydayhealth.com, Michelle Pugle (as reviewed by Seth Gillihan, PhD) cites Helen Egger, MD, and gives this advice:
Don't say "YOU'RE OVERTHINKING IT."
She gives a few options to try instead, but my favorite is: "YOU'RE SAFE."
It might sound cheesy, but when I'm really spinning, it's nice to know someone is by my side and not judging my mind for thinking differently than theirs.
4) Pugle also advises against saying "WORRYING WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING."
I can't tell you how often this gets said to me and while—perhaps—it’s true, it again implies there's nothing one can do in a moment of panic. She writes:
"Trying to soothe someone’s anxiety by telling them their thoughts aren’t productive, worthwhile, or that they’re a waste of time also invalidates their feelings and may even leave them feeling more distressed than before," Egger explains.
Instead, try: "DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OF THINGS?"
This gives the impression that someone is actually willing to help and participate, not just critique.
5) "IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD."
The late Carrie Fisher once wrote about how much she hated when people would say that to her—as if that were somehow comforting. To paraphrase, her response was essentially: "I know. it's my head Get it out of there!"
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
Laurel Therapy suggests instead to try: "ANXIETY CAN BE REALLY TOUGH." Personally, I'd prefer: "HOW CAN I HELP?"
While it might at times feel frustrating, the key, when dealing with anxiety, is to be cognizant that you're not shaming or condescending.
Here are a few more concepts that help me:
GRATITUDE
I saw a movie called About Time a few years ago written by Richard Curtis who has a propensity to get sappy. But this quote is bloody beautiful: "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life." I simply love the idea of pretending like we've time traveled to every single moment of our lives on purpose. And this especially helps the anxious-prone because if it's true that we're always tooling around in an unpredictable future rather than sitting where time wants us to be, it makes sense that we were there and have come back to a moment to show it respect. To view every day and every thought as a gift instead of a fear. Now that is something.
BREATHE
I'm sure you've heard about the benefits of meditation. They are true. I have seen the practice of minding your breath and sitting still make huge differences in those close to me. I have not been able to make meditation a part of my daily routine, but that doesn't mean I can't strive to. (Try, try again.) I do partake in Yoga and I find it helps slow my mind down considerably.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS
Our amygdales (the part of the brain, which among other roles, elicits our response to threats, real or perceived) can play nasty tricks on us. We are not the sum total of every thought we've ever had. On the contrary, I believe that we are what we do, not what we think. Our anxiety (or depression) doesn't have to define us, especially when we know we're responding to many threats that don't even exist. We can be of service to others instead. Volunteer when possible or simply be kind to those around you every day. That is what makes us who we are. Personally, that idea soothes me.
A woman holding back her laughter.
One of the biggest topics in parenting these days is the mental and physical drain that comes with being the default parent in a family. The default parent is the one who is first in line when it comes to taking responsibility for parenting duties, whether that means making doctor’s appointments, ensuring the homework is done, or making sure the child has enough socks to make it through the week.
Being the default parent can lead to fatigue and burnout, and the parent can experience incredible anxiety when their attention turns away from the household or family. The situation is even worse when the default parent’s partner only does the bare minimum. Unfortunately, in American society, fathers are often the parents who do just enough to get by and are praised for it.
The notion that men don’t have to pull their equal weight in American family life is so ingrained that when Emma Hughes, a travel nanny with over one year of experience in childcare and family support, visited Sweden for two weeks, she experienced extreme culture shock.
"I've been in Sweden now and I think I've been ruined for American men," the 24-year-old said in a viral Instagram video. "Specifically raising a child with an American man in America, because these Scandinavian dads? Chef's kiss …"
"I'm actually embarrassed to talk about this because all of the observations that I've made have really revealed to me how deeply ingrained [expletive] dads have become like in my brain, and it's just like the default,” she continued.
The notion that fathers only have to do the bare minimum was so ingrained in Hughes’ psyche that she couldn’t understand seeing so many involved fathers in Sweden.
A dad playing soccer with his child.via Canva/Photos
"When I see more dads pushing their strollers in the park on a Saturday morning than moms, what does my brain think … That's weird, there is something abnormal about that,” Hughes said. “When I see dads at the grocery store with their kids. When I see dads out at restaurants or in public. It is so deeply telling of a lot of subconscious stuff that I have going on in my brain after working with so many families."
She said that even the best dads she's worked with in America would be considered the "Scandinavian bare minimum." She applauded one Swedish father who purchased a new size of diapers for his baby without being told to do so by his partner.
A couple holding up the Swedish flag.via Canva/Photos
"Like I watched a Swedish dad go to the grocery store and come home with like four bags of groceries and in that trip he had bought size two diapers for a baby that had previously been wearing size one and was ready to move into size two but that conversation had not happened between the mom and the dad,” she said.
Given Swedish dads' dedication towards their parenting responsibilities, it’s fair to assume that their partners are much happier and stress-free than those in the States. But what about their kids? Researchers at the United Nations who studied “child well-being in rich countries” found that Swedish fathers also ranked high by their children. The survey asked children in 28 countries if it was easy to talk to their dads, and while 67% of children in the study said their parents were easy to talk to, Swedish fathers scored higher at 72.4%. Meanwhile, the U.S ranked 25, out of 28, at just 59.7%.
A Swedish dad reading a note. via Canva/Photos
Ultimately, Hughes makes an important point that Scandinavian men have set a high bar for being fathers and that American men need to step up. The positive sign is that in America, the discussion around default parenting has been getting louder and louder, and hopefully, that will prompt more American men and women to set higher expectations so that one day, American men can catch Sweden’s.
Kids in South Korea sometimes get served lobster tails with school lunch.
School lunch in the United States has a complicated history. While many of us who grew up in the 80s or 90s are nostalgic for some of the menu items we remember fondly (rectangle pizza, anyone?), some of the serving choices were bizarre. We really grew up with someone handing us a tray of pizza, french fries, chocolate milk, and soggy green beans every morning at 10:30am.
The offerings have improved somewhat over the years, but everything's still so... beige. The main choices are typically pizza, chicken nuggets, or some form of questionable ground beef like burgers or meatloaf. Some people are stunned when they find out that school lunches from around the world can look very different.
A photo of lunch served at a school in South Korea recently went viral and had everyone's mouth watering.
A user on Reddit posted the photos to r/pics where they immediately racked up over 17,000 upvotes.
The colors on the tray stick out immediately, most notably the noodles covered in creamy red sauce. But it's really the stuffed lobster tail that's the star of this particular tray; potentially lobster thermidor.
You expect to see some cultural differences in the food offerings in different countries. Korean food is inherently different than American food in a number of ways. But Americans love lobster! Yet can you imagine American schools serving lobster tail to kids under any circumstances?
Take a look at the mouth-watering spread here:
from pics
The response from mostly-American users was fascinating. Some were in awe while others rightly pointed out why a lunch like this would never fly in the USA.
One of the main sentiments was that school lunches in other countries often put ours to utter shame:
"I used to teach in Korea and the lunches were always amazing, the beef and quails egg stew was a constant highlight."
"I studied in Korea for 6 months on uni exchange. The food at the uni cafeteria looked just like this, and was 10/10. My private room at the uni lodge was $500USD for the WHOLE semester, and included unlimited food."
"I live in Spain and my kid's school invited the parents to taste lunch one day. It was fantastic. Also, at the end of each month they share a calendar of the meals that will be served during the next one, day by day. They're all balanced, and prepared with proximity food. They prepare specific meals for every kid with allergies/intolerances/any kind of dietary restriction, e.g. restrictions related to religion. They also share a list of dinner suggestions - again, for the whole month - so you have ideas for dinners that are healthy, easy, cheap, and tasty for kids. It's a public school."
"I am from a third world country where many public schools lack a ton of funding and even we have better more healthy lunches than the slop that’s given to US students. I know because I went to school in the US and also in my home country."
"America hates its f*cking kids. It will always mistreat them and deny them opportunities."
"Lobster as a school lunch??? I need to go back to elementary school... I'll quit work for education and a lunch like that!"
Now here's a balanced and nutritious meal.Giphy
Others, while impressed with the selection, had their doubts about if American schools could ever adopt something like this:
"This lunch is orders of magnitude better then US school lunches. And most American kids would utterly hate it."
"American kids have no palette! It’s all chicken nuggets and mac & cheese! ... I know some kids that would starve rather than try anything on that tray."
Some pointed out that those metal chopsticks would likely be used as a weapon almost immediately, and discontinued ASAP.
Americans, as a whole, have a dreadful diet devoid of enough nutrition and it causes catastrophic health problems in the longterm. For clues as to why, you can look at what we feed our kids — and why.
It's normal for kids to be picky eaters. When it continues into adulthood, it can be a root cause of health problems.
Photo by MD Duran on Unsplash
No, most American kids probably wouldn't like lobster tail. But there is a lot that goes into how our palette develops that might help explain it.
For starters, fresh produce and lean proteins are extremely expensive in America. It's far more cost-effective to pump people full of cheap, empty calories and sugar. School lunch used to be cooked fresh every day in the schools before major government budget cuts forced districts to more heavily on lean on frozen or reheated options. Kids get used to chicken nuggies all day every day from a young age!
The irony is that school lunches in American, while not overly exciting, at least meet some basic nutritional guidelines. But they're not free for everyone, and even kids who qualify for free or reduced lunch may not end up participating due to stigma or red-tape. When parents on a shoestring budget have to buy their own lunch supplies, things can get a lot worse than meatloaf and green beans. We all knew a few kids in school who had Pop Tarts for lunch every day. To be fair, we were all jealous at the time.
And finally, Americans sure love to get fired up about our "right" to eat like crap. When Michelle Obama tried to clean up the school lunch program, she ran into massive pushback. RFK Jr. wants to do his own version of it, and we'll see how that goes.
The viral photo from South Korea shows what might be possible with a few key cultural and political shifts. Treating feeding our kids more like "preventive medicine" versus a cost to manage would definitely be a start.
Hugh Grant poses on the red carpet.
Notorious lovable grouch, Hugh Grant, might have had a bit of a 'bad-boy' reputation in the past. And he doesn't often hold back in terms of what's really on his mind. But when it comes to 1960s musicals about an Austrian family, he has quite the soft spot.
On numerous occasions, Hugh has been asked to reveal his favorite film. His answer never wavers and it's unequivocally The Sound of Music. Based on the 1949 real-life story of Maria von Trapp's memoir, this became a Tony Award-winning Broadway hit in the late fifties, followed by the film adaptation in the mid-sixties. It follows the life of Maria Rainer, who while training to be a nun, is sent to be the governess of seven children of a widowed father - all on the cusp of the second World War in Austria.
On a recent Q and A for Outstandingscreenplays.com, however, Hugh added that his love for this film has become a bit of an issue.
@outstandingscreenplays #HughGrant was playing a girl in #SoundofMusic and now it's his Favorite Film ever 😉 #screenwriting #screenwriter #screenplay #fyp #shorts #filmtok #author #writer #films
In various clips put together for the site, Hugh explains, "I was a von Trapp daughter in The Sound of Music at the age of 12. I was Brigitta. I remember very well my white dress with blue satin sash. And I remember my line: 'I'm Brigitta. I'm 12. And all I want is a good time.'" This is followed by laughter, with Hugh adding, "I was rather good."
He then charmingly shares, "It's a difficult situation. I'm married to a Swedish woman. She comes from the north of Sweden, where men are REALLY men. They're so manly, they hardly speak. And they chop wood. What they don't do is watch The Sound of Music in the afternoons and sing along with the Mother Superior when she sings 'Climb Every Mountain.'
And they certainly don't cry when the father is touched by his children singing and then joins in." The clip then cuts to a quick clip of Christopher Plummer singing as Baron von Trapp. Hugh buttons it up by assuring, "But I do cry."
- YouTube, Christopher Plummer, The Sound of Musicwww.youtube.com
Hugh's wife, Anna Eberstein, is a Swedish producer, who also happens to be the daughter of an extremely accomplished Swedish politician. She and Hugh share three children, and he has gushed over her in the many years they've been linked.
The comment sections seem to adoringly swoon over both Hugh's love for the movie and the playful ribbing of his wife. A common theme? He's too irresistible to ever not admire. "He's just so adorable (however much he pretends not to be)." Another: "I've tried not to love him, but he keeps pulling me back in."
This TikToker has a wish, which frankly seems rather attainable: "I'd love to see Hugh Grant meet Julie Andrews."
Julie Andrews spins in the Sound of Music Giphy The Rodgers & Hammerstein Organization
Others can relate to his unapologetic adoration of the film . "To be fair, it's impossible not to cry on that scene. LOVE The Sound of Music."
One person jokingly comments, "Actually accurate—in northern Sweden, people don’t talk, they just inhale air to communicate. True story." But there's pushback on the notion that a man can't love this musical AND chop wood. "I made my Irish husband come live with me in north Sweden. He loves Sound of Music. He also chops wood."