We don't see people dying until we do, and it's good to know what can happen.
In the era of modern medicine, we are far more removed from death than our ancestors were. That's not something to complain about, of course, but it is something to be aware of. At some point, most of us will experience the death of a loved one, and if we have no idea what to expect through that process, it can be confusing and frightening to witness.
The more we know about the death process, the less fear we have witnessing it
A hospice nurse named Julie has dedicated her career to helping families through the death process and educating people on what dying actually looks like. "The more we know, the less we fear," she says, and it's true. While many of us may want to avoid thinking about death, it's a part of life we should better understand before we find ourselves confronted with it and perplexed by what's happening.
Funerals are the closest most of us get to death until a close loved one dies. Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash
One woman's family shared a video with Julie with permission to show it to her audience for education purposes. "This is the most accurate video I have been sent of someone who is truly in the actively dying stages," Julie said. "No one knows what death actually looks like because when it's depicted in the movies or TV, it's false. It's wrapped up in a pretty little bow and it's not accurate."
Julie shared that this video shows some of the stages of a person actively dying—not in pain, just going through the natural death process—as the body shuts down. Specifically, it shows how a person's breathing changes and what's normal to expect. Some may find the video difficult to watch, but she does offer trigger warnings before each clip and explains exactly what's happening so people can choose how much they want to see.
Moaning and gasping while dying doesn't automatically mean pain or suffering
As she explains, this is the "actively dying" phase, and the family shared that the woman in the video did die within hours of the videos seen here. The video highlights three different breathing and vocalization phases, which Julie describes as she shares why it's happening and what it means. For instance, in one clip, the woman is moaning in a rhythmic pattern, which indicates that she's not likely in pain (which loved ones might assume) but rather that the body is self-soothing. Julie reassured the audience that what appears to be struggle or suffering often isn't when a personal is dying. Bodily mechanisms and reflexes can look scary if you don't know what you're seeing, but knowing it's very natural and normal can be enormously helpful.
Watch:
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
Some commenters said that these clips were exactly what they saw during with a loved one's death, while others shared different experiences. (Much like childbirth, there are some distinct phases and stages of the process, but specifics can vary greatly from person to person, so not everyone will see the same things.) But overwhelmingly, people in the comments were appreciative of Julie's lesson and thankful to the family for allowing her to share:
"I had the privilege of attending both my parents’ deaths. I found it to be a beautiful experience. It was almost like birthing them into their next stage. It was a powerful full circle event. Thank you for educating people about the death process. And thank you to the family who allowed the footage of their loved one to be shared with us."
"My wife recently passed away, and I was prepared because of your videos. Thank You Julie."
"I've never seen a person pass. She was not in pain and I am thankful that you explained this to us. RIP dear lady."
"I’m an RN and this was very accurate. I’m glad to see the kind respectful videos donated by families used to educate people on the natural process of dying! Don’t be afraid, these people are comfortable and at peace! Thank you Julie for showing what we nurses see all of the time and are comfortable with."
Being with a loved one when they die is a uniquely intimate experience.Photo by Muskan Anand/Pexels
"My Dad passed away in 1999. Wish I had known that all these phases of active dying were truly normal. It was horrific thinking my Dad was suffering minutes before his actual death. Thank you so much for this video. It has brought me much comfort."
"I was with my grandmother when she passed, and it was exactly like this. I’ll never forget it. Honored to have been by her side."
"My brother who died from ALS was similar to the second video but I’d also add there are exceptions (as there is to everything) in that my mom smiled at me, closed her eyes, and then died without a gasp or a pause. It was literally like she just fell asleep and I remain to this day grateful for the ease of her passing. Thanks to the family for their willingness to share such a personal moment in the collective life of their family."
"As a retired nurse in oncology, palliative care, and hospice, I applaud you for the excellent video you shared to educate others on the stages seen prior to death. It's so important."
"In the last eighteen months I’ve lost both my parents to cancer. I was with them at the beginning and the very end and I must say the experience terrified me and I’ve been tormented since. NOW I know that the “stages” were “normal” and it’s brought me great comfort to know they weren’t in pain. I’m grateful that I got to be there for them both (even though they were unconscious when I arrived) but I do believe they knew that I was with them. I cannot thank you or the kind family of this lady enough for sharing this and explaining it in easy to understand way. Thank You so much. x"
"I have been a registered nurse for 24 years. The information provided in your videos is 100% accurate and you are performing a service for families and patients. It's one thing to read about end of life changes in a pamphlet, but hearing details from a hospice nurse along with supporting videos makes all of the difference. Thank you for what you are doing!!"
As Julie said, "The more you know, the less you fear." It may be uncomfortable, but learning about the dying process before you witness it first hand can prevent a lot of misunderstanding and unnecessary trauma for you and your loved ones.
You can see more of Nurse Julie's videos on her YouTube channel here.
- Hospice nurse shares clue she uses to know if someone is dying 6 months before it happens ›
- Hospice nurses reveal what they say are people's biggest regrets before death ›
- Hospice nurse who's seen a hundred people die shares the one regret her patients always have ›
- Volunteer uses her incredible singing voice to comfort dying patient on 'final journey home' - Upworthy ›
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