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Parenting

Gen Xer asking about Boomers' 'emotional immaturity' taps a multi-generational parenting issue

“If we don’t ASK about it or TALK about it, the problem doesn’t exist!”

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People discuss what it's like growing up with emotionally immature parents.

Parenting styles change every generation. Gen X parents didn't have technology (i.e. Google) to rely on to raise their kids, while Millennial parents today are all about gentle parenting. While Boomers have come under fire for being absent parents and grandparents, a common gripe that people have about their parents from all generations is their lack of emotional maturity.

In a Reddit forum of Gen Xers, member @Architecturegirl opened the discussion about emotionally immature parents. She explains that after reading a book on adult children of emotionally immature parents, she noted that while many Boomer parents have been accused of being emotionally immature--it really had nothing to do with their generation. "I had never really thought of emotional immaturity - like an inability to admit mistakes or preferring mind-numbing, polite conversation to meaningful connection - might be a generational issue," she wrote.

Rather, being raised by emotionally immature parents is a common multi-generational parenting issue--and many people have opened up about what the realities of being raised by emotionally immature parents looked like. Plus, they shared how they are finding healing. These are their most relatable stories.

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Stories

"In my house, the solution to any emotion-related problem (bullying, divorce, feeling disappointed, the fact that they sold my puppy during my birthday party so I 'wouldn’t notice,' and any/all lesser difficulties) was: 'if we don’t ASK about it or TALK about it, the problem doesn’t exist!' If got too big to be unnoticeable, the advice was something like, 'just ignore it,' and/or 'everything will be fine.' Or, the BLANK STARE: ie. 'I do not want to hear about this…we don’t talk about THAT…quit bothering me.'" —@Architecturegirl

"I had cancer and my mother told me she couldn’t talk about it because it was her biggest fear. Bugger my fears (I survived obviously and have been in remission for 25 years). Anything serious in my life she’ll just walk away as I’m talking or give a little laugh like she’s pretending to listen but has no idea of how wrong her reaction is to what I’m saying. It’s taken me 53 years but I’ve finally given up discussing anything of importance to me with her. They’re such a damaged (and damaging) generation." —@PuzzleheadedCat9986

"Among my friends and I who are Gen X it is a perfect 50-50 split between parents having emotional intelligence and those that don't. Two anecdotes: My wife's mother will still not say 'period' or 'sex.' They were 'the thing' (raised eyebrow) and the other thing (said in a disgusted tone). That was the sum total of the support my wife got. A friend grew up with a step father his whole childhood (bio father left right after birth). Step Dad was always detached and disinterested, and always drinking. Not violent, but not interested. When we were college age, his step dad got sober and realized what he had missed. Apologized and grew. Really made the effort to the point that in his late twenties my friend agreed to be officially adopted and changed his last name. Step dad is currently the most supportive and most present grandad of our group of friends." —@Mourning_Walk

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"My mother and the silent treatment are like 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽. I don’t think that woman has ever once used her words to express displeasure or disappointment, just a lot of huffing, puffing, slamming cabinets, eye rolls and going days without speaking. Her record was once 17 whole days! It was the most peaceful 17 days of my teenage life 😂." —@ThickConfusion1318

"My mom can’t take criticism. Like at all. If I say, 'Hey, you said/did this thing that really hurt me.' Her response is usually either to blame me and point out something completely unrelated that I did as a 'See? You’re not perfect either!', make excuses 'I meant something totally different than what I said, so it’s fine.', act like I’m completely overreacting 'You’re so over dramatic! You’re always upset over everything and I have to walk on eggshells!' Or to just get angry and start berating me for daring to bring it up to begin with. So it pretty much puts me in a position where I can’t talk to her about anything at all wrong in our relationship because she’s immediately going to take it as an attack and get defensive no matter how gently I word it. She always ends up upset and nothing is solved. So the best I can do is put distance and space between us to protect myself. And she keeps wondering why I never call or visit anymore." —@barb4290

"I am pretty sure that as a generation, millennials suffered from emotional neglect from our parents. For me it was just as simple as my parents being unable to show any type of affection and would avoid/refuses certain topics of conversations. my mom was pretty dismissive and acted as it was an annoyance for her when I got my first period. She acted similarly as I hit several milestone growing up and it just never felt safe to talk to her about anything. Also, my dad would throw tantrums whenever he would not get his way, then blame my mom." —@therdre

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"Growing up, my mother was not able to compartmentalize her stress from her job as a public school teacher. Would take it out on me for not eating peas or something at dinner, and I'd end up being yelled at by dad because he'd always take her side. Didn't understand until I got older, and they're still together, but at the time I was like wtf you see this, its crazy." —@SeenNotScene

Healing Solutions

"'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson is the GenX guidebook to dealing with all of our trauma spilling out at midlife. This book / concept comes up often in this subreddit. Personally it helped me a lot." —@ND_Poet

"One thing I needed to come to terms with is that I cannot control my mother’s actions or feelings. Period. It was not my responsibility to do that. It was her responsibility to manage those things. It had been hers for a very long time, since way before ny sisters and I were even a thought. Once I understood that - not only on an intellectual level but an actual felt level, it became easier to make choices for my own well being. Boundaries. As others have said." —@Stop_Already

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"Here's what I have determined after raising kids to young adulthood. My parents did the best they could with the hand they were dealt. They did better than their own parents." —@Reader47b

"Finally, at age 48, I stepped away from their table, that I kept trying to sit at. I was trying to rescue them. Finally realized, I can't. They make the same amount of noise whether I am safe on shore, or jump in to the deep end and drown trying to rescue. Same amount of noise. And it does zero good. Put yourself first. Then your spouse and any kiddos next. That's it. It's ok to go low or no contact. It sort of hasn't mattered in my situation. And it's ok to grieve that you didn't have the parents you needed, and if you have kids, they won't have the grandparents they needed either. But you can be your parent (reparent yourself), and be the best damn grandparent if that is where you get to be. Break the cycle. You are worth it." —@redtail_rising

"One thing that helps me is to remember that it's not her fault she's like that (her parents were abusive - I don't think her emotionally capabilities developed normally). And keep my distance if she's upset about something. I am not her therapist, she cannot make me be her therapist, and I cannot convince her to go to therapy. Her mental health is not my problem." —@WhiskerWarrior2435

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"The book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Krieger is geared toward coping with family who have BPD, but it is a good overall guide on how to set boundaries and protect yourself against toxic/dysfunctional family, regardless of underlying pathology. Highly recommend. It allowed me to finally have a relationship with my mother that didn't leave me a mess after every conversation." —@UserUnknown

"I set hard boundaries and distanced myself from them as early as possible. I accepted that I was not responsible for their feelings or the outcomes of their decisions. I stopped trying to help/correct them because they didn't want to hear it and it just created friction/tension. I just came to accept that my parents didn't want to change/learn and that was a core aspect of who they were. And, even if they did want to, they didn't want to do so as a result of interactions with me because they were accustomed to a power dynamic in which I was subordinate to them and my being an adult wasn't going to cause them to forfeit any of that power." —@DerHoggenCatten

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Culture

People from Generation Jones explain their major cultural differences with Boomers

"Think of us as a generation that got the tail end of the party but had to clean up the mess."

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Generation Jones points out the biggest cultural differences between them and Boomers.

Generation Jones, people born from 1954-1964, is considered a 'micro-generation' between Boomers and Generation X. Though typically lumped in with Boomers, there are some pretty distinct differences between them.

In an online community of Generation Jones-ers, a member named @WalkingHorse, prompted those in Generation Jones to discuss how their upbringing differed from Boomers in a post titled "What is and who are Generation Jones. Step inside...".

"We're often described as pragmatic idealists—raised on big dreams but tempered by economic recessions and a sense of lowered expectations compared to the Boomers’ post-war prosperity," they wrote. "Think of us a generation that got the tail end of the party but had to clean up the mess."

It inspired many Generation Jones members to share their thoughts and opinions. These are some of the major cultural differences those in Generation Jones have with Boomers:

"We were too young to fully participate in the counterculture of the '60s but old enough to feel its aftershocks." —@WalkingHorse

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Gen Jones men also signed up for the selective service, but were not drafted as the Vietnam war had ended." —@tedshreddon

"Boomers had Elvis and The Beatles. We had Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd." —@Scr33ble

"First teenage generation to experience the Space Shuttle launch. First teen generation to watch music videos in between movies on cable TV then the birth of MTV. We laughed when hearing that golf obsessed President Gerald Ford would routinely slice or hook a ball into a crowd of spectators. Then laugh at Chevy Chase for mimicking our clumsy commander in Chief. We watched our parents go through the fuel rationing days where you could only buy gas for you car if the last digit on the plate was an odd or even number. We counted days along with the media on how long the Iran hostages were being held. We lost John Lennon while not in that sweet spot age to have experienced the musical British Invasion of the 60’s. Instead, MTV opened to floodgates to the Brit-pop invasion of Duran Duran followed closely by big hair, neon clothing and wondering why saying ‘too hip’ was all that and a bag of chips. Best part was that college tuition was sorta affordable." —@contrivancedevice

"Not mentioned yet, but we were present for the rise of gay rights. Went to my first gay bar at 19. Music, especially Disco, was infused with pride and acceptance and coming out. 'We are Family', 'I’m Coming Out'. Queen and the Village People, etc. The rise of 'women’s music' like Holly Near and Chris Williamson. Activists like Harvey Milk and later ACT UP. We were young adults when AIDS hit and the fight for treatment led to a huge wave of coming out. We lost a whole generation of gay men to that plague. 😢" —@BldrJanet

"Boomers remember where they were when President Kennedy died. We remember where we were when John Lennon died." —@KJPratt

"Musically speaking, I think we were blessed. Our musical heyday had everything. Our moms played Elvis the king on the radio, and we had Elvis Costello. The Stones and The Who transverse generations. We are old enough to remember Joan Baez and Bob Dylan pre-Chalamet, not to mention Freddie and Elton before their bio-pics. And Johnny Cash too. And shout out to the poster girl of the 80’s Cyndi Lauper (I got special love for her as a race tracker cause she walked hots at Belmont Park.)" —@Binky-Answer896

"We gave a hoot, and didn’t pollute!" —@Awkwardimplemet698

"We are the generation that got to see the war every evening at dinner 'live via satellite'. —@blurtlebaby

"Think: 45s—albums—-8 tracks—cassettes—-CDs—-Streaming! I’ve had the Rolling Stones on all!" —@NOLALaura

"I always said that I experienced it all...born in 1957. I listened to my older siblings music. I stole my sisters Woodstock album when she went off to college. I still have it. I recall all the assassinations from JFK and MLK.I saw RFK being killed on live tv.(at least I think I did), I remember the chaos of the Vietnam war, the Chicago riots, the Nixon mess. I recall the beginning of the environmental fight, Sesame Street and the moon launch. Computers, and floppy discs, cell phones that came in small cases that would plug into the car. So much good stuff. So much chaos." —@mammaV55

"There’s a sure way to know if you’re Gen J. Were you deadly afraid of quicksand?!" —@NOLALaura

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Culture

The 14 ways Gen Z aligns itself more with older boomers than millennials

They may have different values, but they share other things in common.

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Gen Z compares themselves more to Boomers than Millennials.

Generation Z (those born between 1997 and 2012) was described by Stanford University scholar Roberta Katz as "typically self-driven, collaborative, and diverse-minded. They value flexibility, authenticity, and a pragmatic approach to addressing problems." And according to Gen Zers themselves, they are finding that they have more in common with their Boomer elders than Millennials.

In an online forum discussing the similarities and differences that Gen Z has to Boomers and Millennials, member @Karma_Circus shared their thoughts: "There’s obviously a difference in values, but in terms of attitude, behavior, and general vibe, Gen Z actually shares more with Boomers than they do with Millennials," they wrote, before sharing similarities they noted between them.

They gave a strong argument, and added," I’m obviously not saying all Gen Z or Boomers as individuals are the same. But taking the tropes, clichés, and general vibe you get from each generation… if you strip away the aesthetics and politics, Gen Z sometimes feels like Boomer 2.0. Just younger, sassier and with better skincare routines."

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Many Gen Zers agreed, adding their two cents about why they think they have more in common with Boomers than Millennials. Here are 14 reasons Gen Z feels more similar to Boomers than Millennials.

"They’re kind of isolationist. Gen Z seems more withdrawn. They value alone time and don’t love socializing outside their comfort zone." —@Karma_Circus

"Neither are great at emotional communication in person. Gen Z often struggles to express feelings face-to-face. They shut down or avoid important conversations entirely. Kinda Boomer-ish, right? Different reasons, similar result." —@Karma_Circus

"Rigid belief systems. Gen Z tends to adopt strong, black-and-white views—much like Boomers clinging to fixed worldviews. There’s less room for nuance or gray areas." —@Karma_Circus

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"Both love secondhand outrage. There’s a shared grumpiness. Gen Z gets fired up over stuff that doesn’t affect them directly. Boomers did the same - just with a different set of values." —@Karma_Circus

"Societal rule enforcement. Gen Z is big on calling people out for breaking unspoken social rules. Boomers loved rules too - just old-school ones. And this really shows up on social media." —@Karma_Circus

"Chronically online. Boomers are Facebook addicts, Gen Z are TikTok addicts. Different platforms, same result: constant outrage and a worldview shaped by the algorithm." —@Karma_Circus

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"Both think Millennials are cringey. Boomers and Gen Z hate looking stupid. Millennials didn’t have that luxury - they grew up online, testing boundaries to figure out what was 'too far.' Gen Z is way more self-aware and peer-policed, so they play it safe. Boomers just call this 'dignity.'" —@Karma_Circus

"That little box exposed us to ideas and worldviews that would otherwise be outside the confines of our city or village. Echo chambers are one point I concur on. If that's because some of Gen Z wants that chamber or if it's due to the algorithm remains to be seen." —@QuintenCK

"Our generation tends to shun anti-social behavior more, and I'm also guilty of doing this deliberately. The difference is that we shun a lot less based on who you are (for example being black, gay etc...) and more because of what your actions are. We like authenticity, good faith attempts and heavily dislike attention seeking and two faced intentions (for example companies appealing to queer people during pride month for solely profit driven motivations, they don't give a f*ck about queer people)." —@QuintenCK

"Boomers now and boomers in their youth are completely different. The Boomers had the summer of love, anti Vietnam protests, cultural revolution and civil rights movement. Unfortunately as they settled down in their 40’s and 50’s they were captured by media and turned back into the squares they used to fight against. Gen Z is similarly being manipulated by social media algorithms which tend to skew toward outrage and more and more right leaning ideals." —@gwdope

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"If anything, you could consider gen z boomers 2.0, except with memes and anxiety and without the real estate. Similar behaviors can have different motivations, which changes how we interpret them."—@ kfijatass

"Well, there's a reason why they are called zoomers." —@euromoneyz

" Gen X just sittin' back watching it all unfold." —@hopelesscaribou

"if you ain't boomin you best be zoomin." —@100fronds

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Parenting

Millennials share 15 eye-opening parenting differences their Boomer parents never dealt with

"I'll go first ---> the cost of childcare."

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Millennial parents share how parenting has changed compared to Boomer parents.

Raising kids has changed with every generation. For Millennials raising kids, the parenting landscape has changed immensely since the experiences of their Boomer parents.

In an online parenting community, member @Eclectic7112 posed the question to fellow Millennials: "Millennials with kids, what's something you have to deal with, that your parents didn't have to deal with at the same level or at all?"

They followed it up with more details. "A lot has changed in the last 40 years. This includes raising kids. If there was something that you had to explain to your parents that's 'different' than it was when they raised us, what would it be?

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As the first response, @Eclectic7112 shared, "I'll go first ---> the cost of childcare." And their peers did not hold back on their responses. Millennial parents opened up about 15 major changes they've faced as parents compared to the previous generation, from technology to sports to momfluencers.

1. "The expectation that work never ends and you should be reachable after work hours and weekends." - Beberuth1131

2. "My kids expect me to play with them ALL the time. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t allowed to talk to my dad while he was watching TV." - Dadbod646

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3. "Having grandparents who don't help. My grandma helped, and I spent months with my grandparents during the year." -SandiegoJack

4. "Prices of stuff in general. My mom managed to raise three kids on one income at a gas station and we always had everything we needed. Did she struggle? Of course, but it was still do-able. It is beyond impossible now, even at my $20/hour paycheck." - Old-Capital5079

5. "Momfluencers." - Puzzleheaded-Sphinx

6. "Sports are so different now. I'm 43. My kid is 9 and plays hockey. Youth sports have gotten nuts. When I was a kid, you played hockey in the winter. You played for your town's team. You had a practice each week and a game each week. Now there are spring leagues, and summer leagues. There are 'competitive' triple A programs that cost tens of thousands of dollars a year. Practices are 2+ times a week or more. I've talked to other parents who are already talking about college scholarships or going pro... it's nuts. Like you don't HAVE to sign up for all of it but once you put your kid in a sport there is SO MUCH pressure to do more. I used hockey as an example but I have friends with kids who've had the same experiences in baseball, cheerleading, gymnastics, swimming, soccer..." - seanofkelley

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7. "Play dates... apparently nobody can be trusted enough to watch your kid until they're like 8 or 9." - JP96

8. "The fact that technology is so integrated with school. I can’t keep my kids off screens because that’s how they do 90% of their schoolwork. Their schools start providing Chromebooks in kindergarten. Half of their assignments require watching Youtube videos. They have to fill out google forms for school events. And my kids’ band director pushes out music and drill on google drive. I constantly have to find new ways to try to give them access to what they need but still limit the constant unfettered access to the internet." - UnhappyDimension681

9. "How we sit in cars. We kind of just laid in the back on road trips. Now they're in boosters until their big. I understand safety obviously but big difference in Long road trips!" - Jessssiiiiccccaaaa

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10. "Social media and keeping-up-with-the-Jones. Almost every 8-year old in my daughter's class has a cell phone OR an Apple Watch. It's hard for my wife and I to explain to our daughter why we don't think it is a good idea for her yet. There was even some TikTok drama at her school that got the district's attention where some 5th graders were randomly matching up 5th graders as if they were dating." - dr_z0idberg_md

11. "Monitoring their consumption of media is far and away the hardest thing. I haven't caught them watching anything TOO out of bounds, but the other day we were talking about someone who'd only go on a trip if someone else was paying for it, and my 10 y/o daughter asked 'You mean like a sugar baby?' and I just...how? Where? She likes watching Youtube shorts and tutorials and those "oddly satisfying" videos, and sometimes looks up musicians she likes, but I can't screen everything she can get her hands on. I looked at her history and nothing pops out, and maybe it was someone from school, but I just don't know." - andmewithoutmytowel

12. "Summer camp. My ass was out from morning to 7 at night." - awiththejays

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13. "School drop off and pick up. I walked to school and home from school as an elementary school kid. Now, if your elementary school kid tries to walk to the school door without a parent, they’d be on the phone with CPS before your kid’s butt crossed the threshold. Walking to/from school is still a common practice in other countries but sadly not here anymore." - TrickyOperation6115

14. "Every birthday party needs a theme now." - Janeheroine

15. "The fact that we can never watch tv because the kids can watch exactly what they want on demand at anytime, not having to wait for the cartoons to come on." - Woefulraddish


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