I got tested for HIV. Here are my 5 big takeaways.

Hey, I’m Robbie. And I just got tested for HIV. I’ll be real with you: It’d been a minute since I got tested, which is admittedly embarrassing. I’m a gay man — which puts me at higher risk of infection — with ample access to testing centers in my area of Chicago. I don’t have…

HIV, testing, responsible, positive
Photo credit: Photo by In Lieu & In View Photography on Unsplash**stock photo/could use pic of Robbie with permission**A positive takeaway from responsible action.

Hey, I’m Robbie. And I just got tested for HIV.

I’ll be real with you: It’d been a minute since I got tested, which is admittedly embarrassing. I’m a gay man — which puts me at higher risk of infection — with ample access to testing centers in my area of Chicago. I don’t have an excuse for putting it off. I need to be getting tested. And frequently!

So I did the damn thing.



I honestly don’t know why I was avoiding it. Naiveté? Ignorance of what a positive result would mean for me? Legit laziness? A toxic blend of all three?

Probably. June 27, 2018, is National HIV Testing Day, though. And that kicked my butt into gear.

While my testing experience was surprisingly easy and pain-free, it also served as a slap in the face, a reminder of my own privileges and the barriers exposing those most vulnerable to an ongoing public health crisis that’s not getting better.

National HIV Testing Day #HIVTestingDay

Here are five takeaways I had from the experience:

1. My test was wicked fast, free, and totally painless.

I went to the nearby Center on Halsted, which is a bustling queer oasis boasting colorful artwork, plush sofas, and an impressive array of programs and services for Chicago’s LGBTQ community. I wish every queer in the world had access to it.

I had an appointment, but the center — which, like many similar facilities, offers free testing and doesn’t require insurance — takes walk-ins too. I was instructed to head up to the second floor, find a seat on a white couch, and relax until they were ready to see me.

Then I met Melvin, a manager of HIV services at the center who’d be walking me through the testing process. He was a great resource to have.

He patiently answered all of my painfully basic questions about HIV and other STDs (“There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” he assured me), then filled me in on how testing worked, noting I’d have plenty of helpful, healthy options moving forward, should my result be positive.

Then bloop — I got a tiny prick on my fingertip. Melvin drew some blood and noted it takes just 21 minutes to get results. New rapid-testing technology means clients can be in and out in under an hour, easy, Melvin said. And at larger public testing events, like Pride festivals, the process can be accelerated even more.

While we waited, Melvin asked me a handful of questions so that if I were interested I’d know what kinds of programs I can benefit from at the center.

I learned a few fantastic things while we chatted, too, like:

2. You may be able to get tested along with a partner or a group of friends who also want to know their status.

This is cool! And I didn’t know it was a thing!

While guidelines require that the disclosing of test results are done one-on-one, the process itself doesn’t need to be a solo affair at the center, Melvin explained. If you want a significant other or your crew to come along for support and also get tested, that’s totally fine.

3. PrEP is newly available for teens. And that’s huge.

PrEP, or Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, is a pill that, if taken daily, drastically reduces your risk of HIV infection. Anyone can go on PrEP, which has the brand name Truvada, but it’s especially encouraged for those most at risk of infection.

I’ve been thinking about going on PrEP for awhile. And to be honest, there’s no good reason I haven’t.

“For most people, it’s quite affordable,” Melvin said, continuing on to say that health insurance will usually assist with co-pays, and — if you’re not insured — there are many programs that can help. (Still, however, the pricing of PrEP has been a controversial barrier for many in the LGBTQ community who need it most.)

In May, the FDA announced that PrEP can now be prescribed to teens as well. And that’s a big deal. “The sooner that medication is in that demographic pool of people, the better,” Melvin explained.

Why that is, however, reflects a sobering reality about our war on HIV.

HIV is still a public health crisis among certain marginalized groups.

An intersection of racism and socioeconomic inequality means that younger boys and men of color and transgender women, have largely been left out of the progress we’ve experienced on HIV in the U.S.

If you’re a black man who has sex with men, for instance, the CDC projects that you have a 50% chance of contracting HIV in your lifetime, if current rates hold steady.

Why isn’t there more urgency to confront this epidemic?

“As the virus abated in the white population, it also dwindled in the public consciousness,” Leah Green recently wrote for The Guardian. “Even charities set up to combat HIV and AIDS changed focus: Their attention turned to the equal marriage fight.”

Melvin told me there are a variety of compounding factors that continue to put young men of color and trans women more at risk. These groups are more likely to lack affordable health insurance and face discrimination while receiving care, for example. Black and brown LGBTQ people are less likely to have access to affirmative services that can test for and treat HIV as well. And up until recently, most messaging encouraging queer people to get on PrEP targeted the white, gay, cisgender population.

These barriers need breaking.

5. Ignorance around HIV and how it’s transmitted is still stigmatizing people who are HIV-positive.

No, you can’t get HIV from sharing a glass of water with a positive person or being serviced by the same barber who cuts their hair. But Melvin continues to hear a lot of wild ideas like these floating around.

“There is still a lot of fear and stigma,” he said. “Even among gay men.”

The use of dating and hook-up apps haven’t necessarily helped either. Many gay or bi men who are “undetectable,” for instance, face discrimination from potential partners who don’t realize that, although they are HIV-positive, they will not transfer the virus.

“If that person is forthright about being undetectable, they can still be stigmatized on apps or in the community for being honest,” Melvin told me.

Detectable or not, however, HIV-positive people can certainly still be in loving, sexual relationships without passing the virus to their partners. It just takes treatment, commitment, and communication.

After 21 minutes had passed, and I’d asked Melvin enough questions to make his head spin, we got my results.

And now I feel so much better just knowing my status.

The worst part about the prospect of HIV/AIDS is living in the unknown. Don’t avoid getting tested simply out of fear. Understanding your health and having a solid plan to stay on top of it — regardless if you’re HIV-positive or negative — is the best way to live a long and healthy life.

What are you waiting for?You can find free, fast, and confidential testing near you. Head over to the CDC website to learn more.


  • Is it rude not to share a family recipe? Here’s how to decline the right way.
    Photo credit: CanvaProtect your peace in the kitchen.
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    Is it rude not to share a family recipe? Here’s how to decline the right way.

    “I don’t share the full recipe, but I can tell you the essentials.”

    The office potluck was a success! People went back for seconds; someone joked about licking the pan (and actually got a few laughs). And now you find yourself in the kitchen, alone with your overeager coworker, her phone already out and eyes bright with a burgeoning question. 

    “That short rib. I need the recipe.” 

    She means it with her whole heart. She loved it and probably wants to make it for her family on Christmas Eve, or on the first cold night that feels like an excuse to stick something in the oven for hours. The warmth in her voice is so real. 

    family, recipe, sharing, etiquette, boundaries
    It’s more than a recipe. Photo credit: Canva

    And so is the tiny knot in your stomach. This recipe means something to you—it was passed down from your grandma, you got it from an esoteric cookbook online, or you invented it yourself—and right now, you don’t want to share it.

    Here’s the truth: keeping a recipe to yourself isn’t rude. It’s not selfish or petty, nor is it a power move. You know how to share. But more importantly, you know when not to.

    When it comes to family recipes—or any recipes, for that matter—there are countless ways to protect your peace. 

    Let’s get into it. 

    More than a recipe

    Think about a specific spice: how does it smell? Where does it show up in your memory? Maybe it’s cardamom in December, folded into the sweet, enriched dough of Swedish Christmas braids, or dried chiles toasting in a pan. 

    That act of remembering is powerful and all-encompassing. It represents many things: a place, a person, an era of your life. Food scholars argue that this is exactly what recipes are built to do: carry culture in the body through smell, muscle memory, and repetition. Recipes live within us, not only on the page.

    New York University food scholar Krishnendu Ray has observed that, for most of human history, food knowledge was traditionally passed down in close physical proximity (e.g., grandmother to grandchild). And it’s this intimacy—a shared moment between two people—that gives a recipe its meaning, just as much as its ingredients.

    “Caregiving comes at a cost. Whenever there is a labor of love, there is also a labor of resentment.” – Krishnendu Ray

    This is why sociologists describe family recipes as a form of cultural capital, a resource tied to identity, memory, and belonging. To hold that recipe is to hold a piece of a transmission chain: an artifact of care, repetition, and survival.

    Cooking it for someone else adds another layer of complexity. The French sociologist Marcel Mauss argued that a gift is never just a gift; it creates an ongoing bond between giver and receiver. A dish cooked for others already works that way. When someone asks for the recipe on top of that, they’re asking for the gift to be extended: not just the meal, but the means to carry it forward. That’s a meaningful escalation, even when it’s asked warmly, which is exactly why your coworker’s question, however kind, however well-meant, can land as so much more than a simple request.

    How to say “no” and still be kind about it

    Here’s something etiquette experts agree on: the problem is almost never the “no.” A refusal delivered with warmth, gratitude, and a clear boundary is never rude. In some cases, it’s the kindest thing you can offer because it’s honest.

    The following strategies offer five different ways to refuse requests for family recipes with grace. 

    Start with real gratitude

    The ask is a compliment: someone loved what you made so much that they now want it on their own table, with their own people. That’s beautiful. Honor that.

    A simple script: 

    “I’m so glad you liked it! That means a lot to me. But the recipe is a family tradition I keep private.” 

    Full stop. No nervous laugh, no extra spiral of “I’m so weird, sorry.” Warm, clear, closed.

    If you explain, keep it short and specific

    You don’t owe anyone a backstory. But if you want to offer one, a single concrete line can make it clear that the “no” revolves around what the recipe means to you, not your opinion of the other person.

    For example:

    • “My aunt spent years perfecting this and made us promise to keep it in the family.”
    • “It’s one of the few things we have left from my grandmother’s kitchen. Keeping it private helps me feel close to her.”

    People can sit with disappointment and still respect a story. The key is brevity: you’re offering context, not building a legal case.

    Share the “vibe,” not the blueprint

    Sometimes, they don’t even want the recipe, but they are looking for cooking tips. In those cases, you can share little snippets without handing over the entire thing: a key ingredient, a basic technique, or how you approach spices.

    For example:

    “I don’t share the full recipe, but I can tell you the essentials. It starts with sautéed garlic, and the real magic is how low and slow you go.”

    You’re not giving away the recipe. You are simply pointing in the right direction and letting them explore on their own.

    family, recipe, sharing, etiquette, boundaries
    Instead of sharing the recipe, forge connection in other ways. Photo credit: Canva

    Offer a different kind of “yes”

    If you feel comfortable, find a different way to connect. You can invite them into the process instead:

    • “I can’t give you the recipe, but I’d love to make it together sometime.”
    • “I don’t share this one, but I’ll bring it to every potluck we have. Consider me your short rib supplier.”

    Those lines tend to land well because they’re both generous and specific. The boundary stays intact, and the relationship feels even warmer.

    Stay gentle, even if they keep asking

    Some people will circle back. Not because they’re trying to bulldoze you, but because they really want to know how to make that dish. 

    It’s natural to want to come up with new reasons each time, but that can sound like negotiating, which invites even more pushing. 

    Instead, try a kind, consistent repeat:

    • “Still keeping that one close, I’m afraid. But truly, I appreciate you asking.”
    • “You’re persistent! Thank you, I’ll take it as a compliment. But the answer’s still no.”

    Said with a real smile, that’s a firmly closed door. 

    Some things were never meant to be shared

    Keeping your cherished family recipe private isn’t selfish. This is what it looks like when food, memories, and shared history travel between people who love each other. 

    And a quick note to the person who was told no: this was almost certainly never about you. It’s lovely that you asked, but don’t take it personally. There’s something much older than this conversation at play, something that existed long before you tried that dish and will exist long after. 

    What matters is that the ask was kind, and the “no” was kind. Neither of you did anything wrong. Besides, the goal was never really the recipe. It was to stay close to the person who made it.

  • Single dad gets suspicious letter from his late wife and rushes to get a DNA test
    Photo credit: via Nathan Cowley/Pexels A devastated man sitting by the ocean.
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    Single dad gets suspicious letter from his late wife and rushes to get a DNA test

    “She told me how sorry she was that she didn’t have the guts to tell me this to my face when she was alive.”

    Ten months after a man’s wife passed away, he finally got the courage to read a letter she left him, which contained a devastating admission. The son they had together may not be his.

    “My ‘darling’ wife passed away 10 months ago,” the man wrote on Reddit’s Off My Chest forum. “She wrote a letter for me before she died, but I couldn’t bring myself to read it until now. She told me how sorry she was that she didn’t have the guts to tell me this to my face when she was alive.”

    A letter that changed everything

    In the letter, the wife revealed that there was a “good chance” that the son he thought was his wasn’t his biological child. A few weeks before their wedding day, the wife got drunk at her bachelorette party and had a one-night stand with another man. Soon after that night, she became pregnant but was unsure who the father was.

    DNA, DNA test, paternity test, letter from deceased spouse, Reddit, family, parenting
    A man reads a lettter. Photo credit: Canva

     The man was torn whether or not to have the paternity test done. The child had only one parent in this world, and he would have to take care of him regardless. He also thought it was cowardly that his former wife would wait until she was no longer around to share the truth with him.

    “So she thought she’d rather drop this bomb on my life when I could no longer confront her about it,” the man wrote. “Now that my son would only have one parent looking out for him, and she’d have no idea how I would even react. Maybe I should not have got the paternity test done. Maybe it might be better to live in ignorance. But I just had to know.”

    The paternity test result

    The man took the paternity test and learned he wasn’t the child’s biological father.

    “I’m devastated. This doesn’t change how I feel about my son,” he wrote. “He’s my whole world and he’s innocent. But boy, does it hurt. There’s so much going on in my head right now. I haven’t stopped crying. Thank god my son is at my parents’ place for the day. I’d hate for him to see me like this.”

    Facing a pain nearly too much for him to bear, the only outlet he had at the moment was reaching out to Reddit to find some solace. “I just needed to let this all out. Don’t have it in me to tell anyone in my life about this right now,” he wrote.

    DNA, DNA test, paternity test, fatherhood, parenting, life advice, Reddit
    A man holds his head in his hands Image via Canva

    How Reddit responded

    The commenters sent him hundreds of messages of support to get him through the shock of first learning the truth about his family.

    “All your feelings are valid, a lot of people will react with some kind of toxic positivity to things like these. Your feelings are valid. Each and everyone,” – femunndsmarka

    “He is going to find out the truth one day. Imagine how much more he will love you knowing you didn’t leave him, even though he wasn’t yours.” – ImNotGoodatThis6969

    “As an adopted child, I just want to thank you on behalf of your son. I deeply believe it changes nothing, family is not about blood, its about who you love, want to have by your side, and care for the most. Sending hugs, strength and gratitude.” – Mariuuq

    The father at the heart of this story is understandably devastated because his life was upended almost overnight. But the hope in the story is that his trials also taught him a powerful truth: his love for his son goes much deeper than blood.

    This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

  • What parents teach kids when we allow them to take a ‘mental health day’
    Photo credit: Photo by Darwin Vegher on Unsplash With one turn of the wheel, my dad taught me a lesson about self-care in high school that I'll never forget.
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    What parents teach kids when we allow them to take a ‘mental health day’

    With zero hesitation—just a simple, “OK”—he turned the car around and took me home, and it’s a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

    When I was in high school, I woke up one morning feeling overwhelmed. I was an honors student, I was involved in various activities and clubs, and for whatever reason, I felt thoroughly unprepared for the day. I don’t recall if I had a test or a presentation or if it was just a normal school day that I couldn’t face. I just remember feeling like I’d hit a wall and couldn’t make my mental gears turn right.

    I usually walked the mile and a half to school, but I was running late so my dad offered to drive me. In the car, I tried to keep it together, but halfway to school, the tears started to fall. My dad looked over and asked if I was OK.

    “I don’t know,” I sobbed. “I feel like … I just … I need a day.”

    He knew I wasn’t sick. He could have told me to tough it out. He could have given me a pep talk. He could have forced me to go. But he didn’t do any of those things.

    With zero hesitation, and just a simple “OK,” he turned the car around and took me home.

    I have no memory of what I did the rest of that day. Three decades later, the only thing that sticks out is the basic-but-profound lesson my dad instilled in me the moment he turned that steering wheel: It‘s totally OK to take care of yourself.

    We talked about it briefly on the way home. As it turned out, he was also taking a “mental health day.” My dad was a social worker and, as an adult, I can totally understand why he would need to take a random day off sometimes. But it didn’t really matter what he did for a living. Most of us need an occasional mental health day: adults, teens, and kids alike.

    Why more schools are officially recognizing mental health days

    Some schools have begun incorporating this understanding into their school attendance policies. Utah was among the first states to allow a mental health day to count as an excused absence from school. Oregon followed in 2019, and today a total of 12 states have enacted similar laws, including Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Illinois, Kentucky, Maine, Nevada, Virginia, and Washington. Education Week and other outlets have tracked the growing list of states that allow student mental health days or have proposed bills to expand access.

    “Mental health days are not only good for the practical aspect of giving young people a break,” psychologist Caroline Clauss-Ehlers, Ph.D., told Healthline, “but they also validate that the community and society are saying, ‘We understand and we’re supporting you in this way.’”

    Occupational therapist Shelli Dry concurs, telling Healthline that acceptance of mental health days can help eliminate the stigma that often comes with mental illness.

    “For schools to recognize that sometimes it’s better to take a mental health day than push through when you cannot seem to cope, is a tremendous support for students to feel understood and accepted, and [this, in turn, encourages] students to understand and accept themselves more,” she said.

    Kids are carrying more than we realize

    Sometimes we forget how hard it is being a kid. In some ways, I think it’s way harder than being an adult. Considering the fact that nearly 1 in 5 children between the ages of three and 17 have been diagnosed with a mental, emotional, or behavioral health condition, according to the CDC, we need to acknowledge that a lot of kids have days where they’re struggling. But even kids who don’t deal with mental illness sometimes need a down day. Modern life is busy and complex, no matter our age. Keeping up with daily life while handling whatever extra stuff gets thrown our way is no small thing.

    Part of good parenting is teaching kids to persevere through challenges, but encouraging perseverance has to be balanced with insight and wisdom. Sometimes kids might cry wolf, but it’s important for parents to understand that kids might be dealing with more than we know. Sometimes kids need to be encouraged to dig deep for resilience. Sometimes kids have already been resilient for a long time and need a little time and space to just be.

    My dad knew me. He understood that I wasn’t just being lazy or trying to get out of doing something hard. He trusted me to know what I needed, which in turn taught me to listen to my inner alarm and trust myself. As a result, I’ve spent my adult life with a good sense of when I need to push through and when I need to pause and reset. It’s a gift I’m immensely grateful for.

    A word of caution for parents

    All of that said, this advice does come with a caveat. As a parent of kids who are learning to manage anxiety, mental health days can be a mixed bag. There’s a difference between taking a mental health day because you really need it, which happens, and taking a mental health day to avoid facing fears, which also happens. Avoidance feels good in the moment but fuels anxiety in the long run, so parents and kids have to be aware of how the idea can be misused and unintentionally make certain mental health issues worse.

    mental health, discernment, parents, kids, self care, good parenting
    A dad walking his kid to school. Photo credit: Canva

    The bottom line, however, is that kids need breaks sometimes. And when you allow them to take an occasional day here and there to breathe, to do some self-care, to reconnect with themselves and reset their mental and emotional barometer, you teach them that their well-being matters. You teach them that it’s OK to acknowledge when they’ve hit a limit and pause to recoup their strength.

    It’s OK to turn the car around when you know you need to. That’s a lesson we all need to learn, and one we need to support with work and school policies in addition to internalizing individually. We’re making some good strides toward that goal, and the sooner we all get on the same page, the better everyone’s well-being will be.

    To learn more about how to help kids and teens with their mental health and self-care practices, The Kids Mental Health Foundation has tons of resources for parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, and more.

    This article originally appeared four years ago. It has been updated.

  • Family of 4 ‘sold everything’ to live in an RV at Disney World over 200 days out of the year
    Photo credit: The Ewing Family/InstagramA family of four decided to get in an RV and leave their life behind. They park it at Disney World 300 days per year.

    Ever been on vacation and wondered what would happen if you just…never left? Well, some people do just that. A growing number of people live full-time on cruises, at resorts, or in comfy RVs that allow them to explore the world as their leisure.

    One such family recently joined the movement, and they picked a perfect, if a little peculiar, place to call their Home Base.

    Family of four lives at Disney World year-round

    In 2021 and 2022, the Ewing family suffered some devastating losses of people that were close to them.

    Lauren Ewing tells Upworthy that the shockwave of those losses caused the family to really take stock of the way they were living. “That made us want to live and not just exist,” she says.

    So, they decided to sell everything, including their home near Athens, Georgia and buy an RV. Adam Ewing, a real estate developer, could work remotely while Lauren was already well-practiced at homeschooling the kids thanks to COVID.

    They began traveling and seeing the country and, more importantly, enjoying each other as much as possible. But they needed a home base. And for the Ewings, the choice was obvious.

    “Disney has always been our ‘happy place,’” Lauren says. So even though they take the RV out exploring a few times a year, they always “have a desire to come back home.”

    It’s not cheap, but it’s meaningful

    Some people live on cruise ships because the math works out and the all-inclusive lifestyle winds up being cheaper than a mortgage.

    The Ewings don’t make any bones about it: Living in the Disney Bubble isn’t cheap, but for them, it’s well worth it.

    The family parks their RV at Disney’s Fort Wilderness Resort RV Park. Lauren says it costs about $155-300 per night, depending on the time of year. That’s a hefty price tag before food and the costs of maintaining the RV. They also pony up for season passes to the parks so they can visit any time they want, and membership to the nearby Four Season Golf Club.

    There is one catch with living at Disney World in an RV: You technically can’t live there all the time.

    “We are able to stay 26 days and have to leave for 24 hours before we can come back. We go to a nearby campground for the night and come right back!” Lauren says. That means the Ewings, including other trips, end up parked at Disney over 200 days out of the year.

    It speaks volumes that, despite the cost and their unlimited freedom, they choose to keep coming back to the same spot.

    What living at Disney World is really like

    People ask the Ewings all the time: Why not stay somewhere nearby, but not technically on Disney property? It would be far cheaper.

    But Lauren says the family adores being inside the “Disney bubble.”

    The resort’s transportation makes it easy to get anywhere. The resort is sparklingly clean, the food is world-class, and best of all, people love to visit the Ewings. Who wouldn’t?

    Still, the family has to live a somewhat normal life. The kids have school, and dad has his real estate business to run. They try to cook their own food whenever possible, exercise, have family time, explore hobbies. You know, regular everyday things. They don’t spend all day every day at the parks unless friends or family are visiting.

    But the easy access allows them to make incredible magic memories. They’ll pop into Epcot and enjoy the fireworks over the lake, grab a funnel cake at Magic Kingdom, or do just a small handful of rides before the park closes.

    Crucially, Lauren and Adam use the proximity they pay so much for to make sure they’re enjoying their kids’ youth as much as possible:

    “It is really special to also just do a date with one of the kids. Come over for a ride or two, get a sweet treat, reconnect with some one on one time with them!” Lauren tells Upworthy.

    Living at Disney World is every kid’s dream

    The Ewings reject the idea of deferring joy, travel, and whimsy in their lives in favor of saving everything for retirement. They’re a young, happy, and healthy family right now, and they’re going to enjoy every second of it no matter the costs because there’s no guarantee what tomorrow might hold.

    The Ewings aren’t alone. A growing number of people, especially younger generations, would rather spend their money on the here and now. The scale might be different from the Ewings’: It’s taking that vacation instead of saving the money. It’s going to your favorite restaurant instead of cooking at home. Or maybe it’s quitting your job to travel and figure out the rest later. Everyone’s version of living in the here and now is different, but it’s becoming an increasingly universal sentiment.

    Almost anyone would love to experience what it’s like to live at their ‘happy place’ with the people they love the most. Lauren and Adam just so happen to have the means to make it a reality. The rough times in their recent lives convinced them without a doubt that it would be a choice they wouldn’t regret.

  • Stepmom makes bold move after being pressured to quit her job to raise stepdaughter’s baby
    Photo credit: CanvaFolks wholeheartedly agreed with her decision.
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    Stepmom makes bold move after being pressured to quit her job to raise stepdaughter’s baby

    It ignited a powerful conversation about what a grandparent’s responsibilities really are.

    What is a grandparent’s role in taking care of their grandchildren? This is a question with a billion different answers, depending on who you ask, and one that can lead to a lot of conflict within a family.

    Some grandparents want to take on an active role in their grandkid’s lives, which can lead to unsolicited visits and other forms of boundary crossing. Others feel that their child rearing days are over, and that they’ve earned the right to take on less responsibility, which can also lead to stress and hurt feelings.

    A story that went viral on Reddit’s AITA forum further complicated this conundrum, since the woman at the center of the controversy was a stepparent.

    The backstory behind the viral post

    At the time of writing her post, the woman, 38, met her husband Sam, 47, ten years ago, when his daughter, Leah, 25, was 15 (Leah’s mom passed away when she was 10). The couple married five years ago after Leah had moved out to go to college.

    When Leah became pregnant she wanted to keep the baby, but her boyfriend didn’t. After the disagreement, the boyfriend broke up with her. This forced Leah to move back home because she couldn’t afford to be a single parent and live alone on a teacher’s salary.

    Leah’s story is familiar to many young mothers facing similar difficulties. The father isn’t involved in the baby’s life as a caretaker or financially. Sadly, according to the U.S. Census Bureau 40% of all children in the U.S. are born without their biological fathers living in the home.

    The new mother is a teacher and can’t afford to live on her own with a child. According to a 2024 Redfin study, Portland, OR leads the nation with teachers able to afford 91.3% of apartments near their schools, followed closely by Pittsburgh at 83.9%. Still, nationally the average teacher can afford less than half of nearby rentals, and homeownership remains out of reach for most educators.

    The situation gets complicated

    The author of the Reddit post, now a new stepgrandmother, had reservations. She says, “I had concerns about how she was going to raise a child on a teacher’s salary by herself. I suggested getting him to pay child support. She did not want that. Sam thought I should stay out of it.” 

    Unfortunately, any trepidations she had were confirmed. She writes, “Once she had the baby around 4 months back, Leah seemed to realize having a baby is not the sunshine and rainbows she thought it was. She barely got any sleep during the last four months. All the while Sam was helping her with the baby while I did almost all chores myself.”

    She continues to say, “Now her leave is ending. She did not want to leave the baby at daycare or with a nanny. Sam and I both work as well.”

    A grandmother cares for her grandchild. Photo credit: Canva

    Leah asked her stepmother if she would stay home with the baby. The stepmother said no because she never wanted to have a baby and she has a job. “I asked why Leah can’t stay home with the baby herself,” the woman wrote. “She said how she was young and had to build a career. I said many people take breaks to raise kids, and she broke down crying about how she was so tired all the time being a mom and needed something else in her life too.”

    After the woman told her stepdaughter no, her husband pressured her to stay home with the baby. But she refused to give up her job to raise her stepdaughter’s child. “Leah said yesterday how she wished her mom was alive since she would have had her back. She said I didn’t love her, and my husband is also mad at me,” the woman wrote. The woman asked the Reddit community if she was in the wrong for “refusing to help my stepdaughter with the baby,” and the community responded with rapturous support.

    The Reddit comments were supportive

    “[The woman] should tell her husband to knock it off and stop trying to pressure her into raising his daughter’s baby. If he wants a family member to look after her baby while she works, then he can do it,” one person wrote.

    “This is Leah’s baby that she alone chose to have. That doesn’t obligate you to change YOUR life to suit her desires. The whole business of saying you don’t love her because you won’t quit your job to watch her baby is manipulative and messed up, and I’m shocked your husband is siding with her,” another added.

    Leah and many women like her are in this situation because, in many places, teachers are underpaid, rent is high, and not all dads pay child support, even those required by law.

    Another commenter noted that the baby is much more the father’s responsibility than the stepmother’s, saying ” Leah should consider seeking child support from her ex. Her kid should be getting that money.”

    While there are resources to help stepparents connect with their stepchildren and step-grandchildren, it’s important to remember that the responsibility to raise a child ultimately rests with the parents.

    This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

  • Nearly 40% of Americans went no-contact with a loved one last year. Here’s why we’re letting relationships go.
    Photo credit: CanvaTwo women having a disagreement.

    Over the past few years, “estrangement culture” has become a big topic of discussion in therapeutic circles. It explains the increasing normalization of completely cutting off family members and close friends to protect one’s mental health. It’s believed that the growing comfort people have with setting hard boundaries around loved ones has led more people to go no-contact.

    A recent study by Talkspace for Mental Health Awareness Month found that 38% of Americans went no-contact with a friend or family member last year, completely cutting off communication with them. The poll showed that there is a huge difference between the generations when it comes to going no-contact. Sixty percent of Gen Zers said they cut off contact with a loved one in the last year, compared to just 50% of Millennials, 38% of Gen Xers, and 20% of Baby Boomers. 

    estranged, no contact, woman plugging ears, frustrated woman, brown hair

    The reasons why people are becoming estranged from their loved ones

    The biggest reason people gave for cutting off a loved one is lack of respect (36%), followed by mental health (29%), and being “too negative to be around” (27%).

    Why is it that so many people are cutting off loved ones? Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told NPR that a lot of it has to do with modern technology. “So I have one theory to explain this, and I think that we are so much more connected than we’ve ever been, especially with our family members, using things like social media, texting, email, et cetera, that it’s really difficult to just create distance from your family without setting these hard rules or boundaries with people. You can’t really just, like, move across the country and say, oh, I can’t get home for the holidays,” Goodman said.

    sad elderly woman, sad grandma, estranged mom

    Going no-contact is a double-edged sword

    Going no-contact with a loved one is a sure-fire way to protect your mental and physical health if the relationship is abusive. However, it can also be a sign of extreme conflict avoidance in a relationship that can be repaired. 

    When is it right to go no-contact?

    “Sometimes, going no contact is the healthiest option when a family member’s behavior is abusive, toxic, or consistently hurtful,” says Mindwell NYC. “If you’ve tried setting boundaries in other ways and the relationship remains harmful, cutting off contact may be necessary for your emotional safety.”

    @patrickteahanofficial

    Estranged parents will create petty reasons that their child has gone no contact. I’ve never had a client give shallow or entitled reasons about making the hardest decision they will ever make. A toxic parent needs to appear victimized and will character assassinate their child at all cost to avoid accountability. They can’t not make it to be about petty selfish reasons that just don’t exist. #nocontact

    ♬ original sound – Patrick Teahan

    When can relationships be repaired?

    Carla Shuman, Ph.D., says we should give our loved ones a chance to redeem themselves and focus on the positive aspects of the relationship before cutting things off permanently. “Sometimes, family members regret their previous actions. They apologize, ask forgiveness, and attempt to make amends by changing their behavior toward those whom they have hurt. Or they may not realize the extent to which they have hurt you or others. That may seem hard to understand, but I’ve sat with clients whose family members have cut them off. Sometimes they do become much more aware, and they experience incredible remorse and sadness over their actions. If this is the case, or if they are willing to attempt to change, cutting off the relationship may not be the best next step,” Shuman writes at Psychology Today.

    The rise in people going no-contact reveals a tricky dichotomy at the heart of our most important relationships when they fracture. If we go no-contact, are we taking the easy way out or protecting ourselves from people who have no desire to change? Conflict is normal in relationships. Is the short-term pain of addressing it worth a lifetime of potential regret?

  • Desperate mom of 9 gives herself an emergency C-section, saving both of their lives
    Photo credit: CanvaDesperate mom gives herself an emergency C-section, saving both of their lives

    Bringing life into the world isn’t always as joyous as the media portrays. Several parents come through childbirth with physical, mental, and emotional trauma. But even among the most traumatic deliveries, the birth story of Inés Ramíez, a mother of nine in Mexico, likely catapults to the top of the list of the world’s most traumatic births.

    The International Journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics reveals in a case report originally published in December 2003, that a 40-year-old mother of nine gave herself an emergency cesarean section and lived to tell the tale. This wasn’t a self-inflicted operation to test her fortitude and pain tolerance. This was an act of desperation, utilizing different areas of personal experience to guide her actions.

    The mother lived in Oaxaca, a remote mountain town in Mexico without access to a local hospital. After delivering eight previous children, she’s an expert on how childbirth is supposed to go, but during her eighth pregnancy, something went wrong. Labor didn’t progress as it should’ve, and the baby couldn’t descend through the birth canal properly, resulting in a stillbirth.

    c-section; self-inflicted c-section; woman does own c-section; childbirth; delivering baby; emergency c-section
    Newborn’s first cry marks a fresh beginning. Photo credit: Canva

    Living in an extremely rural area with little access to everyday necessities, Ramíez was accustomed to seeing goats slaughtered for food. This knowledge came in handy when she went into labor with her ninth child at home with no other adult around to assist. When her labor stalled, showing the same signs as her previous pregnancy that ended in a stillbirth, the mom became desperate. According to the report she gave the hospital, she knew she had to get the baby out quickly, so she took three shots of hard liquor and cut into her belly. Ramíez’s husband was away deer hunting with no idea what was going on at home.

    OBGYN Shannon M. Clark shares the story on her Instagram page explaining how the mother was able to successfully perform her own C-section without dying from blood loss.

    View this post on Instagram

    A post shared by Shannon M. Clark, MD, FACOG (@babiesafter35)

    “She did a right paramedian incision vertically to gain access to her abdomen, so likely she entered somewhere near the midline between the rectus muscles, and then she cut her uterus in the same direction and delivered the male fetus. She didn’t report a lot of bleeding, but having done these a gajillion times, incisions that are up and down, either right to the side of the belly button, or above it, or below it, actually do not bleed very much because you get right in between those rectus muscles, and you avoid a lot of vessels that way,” Clark explains.

    It took her about an hour to complete the emergency surgery. Before passing out, likely from pain and shock, she directed one of her children to get her cousin, who is a local health assistant. The cousin arrived to find the mother still passed out with a gaping wound. Being that the community is so rural, her cousin didn’t have proper sutures, so she used a regular sewing needle and cotton thread to close the mother’s abdomen. The cousin then transported Ramíez in her car to the nearest clinic, 2.5 hours away, to stabilize her before continuing the drive to the hospital, which is eight hours away.

    After making it to the hospital, the doctors there were able to perform surgery to make sure nothing was amiss. They repaired her uterus and abdomen 16 hours after she performed her own C-section with a butcher’s knife. The mother healed well, leaving what appears to be a thin scar about six inches long next to her belly button.

    People who watched Clark’s video can’t fathom having the strength to do the same thing, with one woman writing, “I’m a nurse and I don’t think I could do this to myself. To someone else, maaaaaybe, but I’m not sure. The nurse who came out and used a needle and thread to sew this lady up was also incredible.”

    c-section; self-inflicted c-section; woman does own c-section; childbirth; delivering baby; emergency c-section

    Newborn baby. Photo credit: Canva

    Another says, “Well, when you’re on pregnancy number 9 you’re pretty much a professional. Whatever brand of liquor she drank should hire her to advertise. Never underestimate the power of love, adrenaline and survival instinct.”

    Even doctors are impressed: “I have to say, as an OB I am extremely impressed at how straight and nicely done her abdominal incision was.”

    This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

  • Man strokes strange woman’s hair as she slept in hilariously embarrassing mixup
    Photo credit: CanvaMan strokes strange woman's hair as she slept in hilariously embarrassing mixup

    After a stressful day, it can be soothing for a loved one to stroke your hair as you relax. It’s a sweet gesture that can make the one on the receiving end feel cared for, which is exactly what this dad was attempting to do. But as he finished comforting his wife, he got the shock of a lifetime when another man walked in—her husband.

    Tyson Popplestone is a father of three, but he says he’s lucky to have escaped the birth of his last child. The dad recently took to social media to do the popular “put a finger down” challenge about the birth of his youngest. No one could’ve predicted the wild ride the tired dad was going to take everyone on.

    family, parenthood, childbirth, hospital mixup, culture
    Man kissing woman’s head in hospital bed
    Photo credit: Canva

    The video starts normally enough, with Popplestone explaining that his wife had just given birth to their third child. Giving birth requires a lot of energy, so she asks him to go home and cook up her favorite meal. Everything seems normal up until this point in the challenge. He goes home, cooks the meal, packs it up, and heads back to provide his wife sustenance and support.

    Popplestone returns to find his wife asleep in the bed. Instead of waking her, he sets the food down, sits next to her, picks up the fussy baby, and begins stroking his wife’s hair. Clearly, the woman is exhausted because she doesn’t stir, but this is to be expected after such a big event. Plus, the room is completely dark. Perfect conditions for napping.

    family, parenthood, childbirth, hospital mixup, culture
    Man and woman sleeping in hospital bed
    Photo credit: Canva

    “You know she’s not going to get much sleep in the next few weeks, so you just let her sleep,” Popplestone says. “But then, your brand-new baby starts to cry, so you pick it up, and then you go over and just sit down next to your wife and stroke her hair for 40 minutes. And then, after 40 minutes, a strange man walks into the room and says, ‘What the hell is going on here?’”

    The strange man flips on the light to find Popplestone holding his child and stroking his wife’s hair. When Popplestone realized that he was indeed stroking the hair of someone else’s wife while holding someone else’s baby, all he could do was apologize. He handed the strange baby to the strange man while trying to explain that the hospital must have forgotten to inform him of the room change.

    “No one wants to hear what you’re saying because everyone just assumes you’re a massive psycho,” Popplestone laments.

    Viewers of his “put a finger down challenge” cannot get over the wild turn the story took. One person writes, “I was NOT ready for the plot twist.”

    Someone else says, “I legitimately did not see that ending coming.”

    Another jokes, “Meanwhile your wife is hungry and you’re out there stroking some other lady’s hair.”

    family, parenthood, childbirth, hospital mixup, culture
    Man rubbing woman’s head in hospital bed
    Photo credit: Canva

    “Tell the part where you explained this to your wife as she has to eat her favorite meal cold. I would be EMOTIONAL haha,” this person laughs.

    “This video is impressive because it’s been a pretty long time since I’ve felt such strong secondhand stress from a reel,” another person says.

    “I hope that stranger mama, whose hair you stroked, gets to see this and finally believes the wacky “story” her husband has been telling everyone for years and is finally believed! Too good,” someone else adds.

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