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Family

Pleading with lawmakers, dad describes the moment he understood his transgender child

Pleading with lawmakers, dad describes the moment he understood his transgender child

As legislation attempting to dictate what transgender people can and can't do crosses the desks of lawmakers across the country, people are sharing their perspectives. While some of those perspectives are rooted in ignorance or bigotry, others are informed by scientific research and medical opinion as well as personal, first-hand experience.

In a March 3rd hearing in Missouri, the father of a transgender daughter spoke from the heart to lawmakers about how he came to understand and accept his child's gender. The Missouri House of Representatives is considering House Resolution 53, which would create a state constitutional amendment banning trans girls from competing in girls' school sports, and Brandon Boulware wanted them to hear how such a law would impact his daughter.

But what really makes Boulware's testimony so powerful is how he explains his own evolution from "not getting it" to seeing his daughter for who she is.

"I'm a lifelong Missourian. I'm a business lawyer. I'm a Christian. I'm the son of a Methodist minister," he said. "I'm a husband, and I'm the father of four kids — two boys, two girls — including a wonderful and beautiful transgender daughter."

"Today happens to be her birthday," he added. "And I chose to be here. She doesn't know that. She thinks I'm at work."


Boulware said a common sentiment whenever transgender issues are brought up is "I don't get it. I don't understand." He said he expected that many of the lawmakers present might feel that way — a perspective he can personally relate to, as he had been in the same boat.

"I didn't get it either," he said. "For years, I didn't get it. For years I would not let my daughter wear girl clothes. I did not let her play with girl toys. I forced my daughter to wear boy clothes and get short haircuts and play on boys' sports teams."

He explained that he did those things to protect his child and her siblings from being teased, and admitted that he did it to protect himself as well. "I wanted to avoid those inevitable questions as to why my child did not look and act like a boy."

Then he laid down a hard truth.

"My child was miserable," he said. "I cannot overstate that. She was absolutely miserable. Especially at school. No confidence, no friends, no laughter. I can honestly say this — I had a child who did not smile."

For years they lived this way, he said, against the advice of therapists and experts. Then one day, everything changed for him.

His daughter had put on one of her older sister's dresses and was playing outside with her brother and some neighbor kids when Boulware came home from work. He told them it was time to come in for dinner, and when she asked if she could go across the street to play, and he said no. Then she asked if she could go across the street if she put on boy clothes first.

"And it was then that it hit me," he said. "My daughter was equating being good with being someone else. I was teaching her to deny who she is."

"As a parent, the one thing we cannot do," he added, "the one thing, is silence our child's spirit. And so on that day, my wife and I stopped silencing our child's spirit."

"The moment we allowed my daughter to be who she is, to grow her hair, to wear the clothes she wanted to wear, she was a different child," he said. "And I mean it was immediate. It was a total transformation. I now have a confident, a smiling, a happy daughter. She plays on girls' volleyball teams. She has friendships. She's a kid."

"I need you to understand," he pleaded, "that this language, if it becomes law, will have real effects on real people. It will affect my daughter. It will mean she cannot play on the girls' volleyball team, or dance squad, or tennis team. I ask you, please don't take that away from my daughter or the countless others like her who are out there. Let them have their childhoods. Let them be who they are."

The question of transgender girls in sports has become a hot topic as society wrestles with transgender people becoming more visible in society. While some argue that transgender girls have a biological advantage over cisgender girls when it comes to sports, the reality is that trans women have been officially competing in various professional women's sports for many years and dominance over cisgender women has simply not been an issue. Most of us couldn't name an elite trans athlete if we tried, despite knowing who the top performers are in various women's sports.

But what about testosterone and fairness? Scientists are divided on that topic, which makes things a bit muddy. As The Swaddle points out, testosterone is not the be-all-end-all of athletic ability:

"For everycrediblestudy and statement out there that proves greater testosterone is linked to greater athletic ability in men and women, there are equally credible studies that prove testosterone is just one of the many factors that affect sporting ability — sometimes even negatively. Take the International Association for Athletics Federation's data on elite women athletes. Its initial analysis of two world championships showed that women with higher T levels performed better in only five out of 21 events."

While there may be legitimate questions about how we define men's and women's sports and how trans athletes fit into those definitions, we also have to acknowledge that physical makeup—muscle tone, hormones, height, bone structure, etc.—varies greatly between human beings already, regardless of gender. Individuals with certain builds and certain genetic makeup already have an athletic advantages over others—that's the reality of sports in general. Does a person being transgender automatically give them a clear athletic advantage any more than someone who happens to have been born tall or muscular or having long arms or a low center of gravity?

Most youth athletes, whether transgender or cisgender, simply want to play sports for fun with their friends and won't ever achieve elite status anyway. And again, we aren't seeing trans women dominating in any professional women's sports, so unless or until that happens, this doesn't seem like the legislation-worthy issue some people are making it out to be.

Thanks to Mr. Boulware for advocating for his daughter, showing the world an honest account of his own transformation, and sharing the impact legislating trans people's lives will have.

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Three women, three MS journeys: How multiple sclerosis looks different for everyone

Gina, Nathalie and Helga share their reactions to being diagnosed with MS and how they stay informed and positive in the face of ever-changing symptoms.

Courtesy of Sanofi

Helga, Nathalie and Gina all have MS, and their experiences show how differently the disease can manifest.

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It’s been 155 years since neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot gave the first lecture on a mysterious progressive illness he called “multiple sclerosis.” Since then, we’ve learned a lot. We know MS causes the immune system to attack healthy tissue, including damaging the brain and spinal cord. Resulting symptoms can be debilitating and include fatigue, blurred vision, memory problems and weakness. Huge advancements in our understanding of MS and its underlying causes, as well as treatment advances, have been made in the past few decades, but MS remains a complex and unpredictable reality for the 2.8 million+ people diagnosed around the world.

Ironically, the only real constant for people living with MS is change. There’s no set pattern or standard progression of the disease, so each person’s experience is unique. Some people with MS have mild symptoms that worsen slowly but sometimes improve, while others can have severe symptoms that drastically alter their daily lives.

All people with MS share some things in common, however, such as the need to stay informed on the ever-evolving research, find various lines of support and try to remain hopeful as they continue living with the disease.

To better understand what navigating life with MS really looks like, three women shared their MS stories with us. Their journeys demonstrate how MS can look different for different people and interestingly, how the language used to talk about the disease can greatly impact how people understand their realities.

woman with horse, woman riding horseGina loves riding her horse, Benita.Courtesy of Sanofi

Gina—Hamburg, Germany (diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis in 2017)

When her youngest son was 4 months old, Gina started having problems with her eye. She’d soon learn she was experiencing optic neuritis—her first symptom of MS.

“Immediately after the diagnosis, I looked up facts on MS because I didn’t know anything about it,” Gina says. “And as soon as I knew what could really happen with this disease, I actually got scared.”

As her family’s primary income provider, she worried about how MS would impact her ability to work as a writer and editor. Her family was afraid she was going to end up in a wheelchair. However, for now, Gina’s MS is managed well enough that she still works full-time and is able to be active.

“When I tell somebody that I have MS, they often don't believe me the first time because I don't fulfill any stereotypes,” she says.

Overwhelmed by negative perspectives on living with MS, Gina sought support in the online MS community, which she found to be much more positive.

“I think it’s important to use as many positive words as you can when talking about MS.” It’s important to be realistic while also conveying hope, she says. “MS is an insidious disease that can cause many bad symptoms…that can be frightening, and you can't gloss over it, either.”

To give back to the online community that helped her so much, Gina started a blog to share her story and help others trying to learn about their diagnosis.

Though she deals with fatigue and cognitive dysfunction sometimes, Gina stays active swimming, biking, riding horses and playing with her sons, who are now 11 and 6.

Cognitive dysfunction is common in MS, with over half of people affected. It can impact memory, attention, planning, and word-finding. As with many aspects of MS, some people experience mild changes, while others face more challenges.

Gina says that while there’s still a lot of education about MS needed, she feels positive about the future of MS because there’s so much research being done.

woman in wheelchair holding medal, woman rowingNathalie is an award-winning rower with multiple international titles.Courtesy of Sanofi

Nathalie — Pennes Mirabeau, France (diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis in 2002)

Nathalie was a teenager and a competitive athlete when she noticed her first symptoms of MS, but it would take four years of “limbo” before she was diagnosed.

“Ultimately, the diagnosis was more of a relief, than a shock,” she says. “Because when you have signs and you don’t know why, it’s worse than knowing, in the end, what you have.”

However, learning more about the disease—and the realities of disease progression—scared her.

“That glimpse of the future was direct and traumatic,” she says. Her neurologist explained that the disease evolves differently for everyone, and her situation might end up being serious or very mild. So, she decided to stop comparing herself to others with MS.

She said to herself, “We’ll see what happens, and you’ll manage it bit by bit.”

By 2005, Nathalie’s MS had progressed to the point of needing a wheelchair. However, that has not dampened her competitive spirit.

Nathalie began her international rowing career in 2009 and has won multiple world titles, including two Paralympic medals—silver in London and bronze in Tokyo. Now, at 42, she still trains 11 times a week. Fatigue can be a problem, and sometimes hard workouts leave her with muscle stiffness and shaking, but she credits her ongoing sports career for helping her feel in tune with her body’s signals.

“Over the years, I’ve learned to listen to my body, letting my body guide when I need to stop and take breaks,” she says.

Nathalie explains that she used to only look backwards because of the initial shock of her diagnosis. In time, she stopped thinking about what she couldn’t do anymore and focused on her future. She now lives in the following mindset: “Even when doors close, don’t miss out on those that open.” Instead of focusing on what she can’t do, she focuses on the opportunities she still has. Right now, this includes her training for the 2024 Paralympic Games in Paris, where she will compete for another rowing medal.

“I only go forward,” she says. “Well, I try, anyway…It’s easy to say, it’s not always easy to do. But that’s what I try to do.”

woman exiting water after swimming, woman with great daneHelga's Great Dane has become a helpful and beloved companion.Courtesy of Sanofi

Helga—Johannesburg, South Africa (diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis in 2010)

When Helga first started having balance issues and numbness in her feet, she chalked it up to her training as a runner. But when the numbness moved to her face, she knew something was wrong. She never guessed it was MS.

“When I was diagnosed, I felt completely overwhelmed and clueless,” Helga says. “I felt that I had nowhere near enough information. I did not know anything about the disease…I had no idea that it was going to be a process of continually monitoring and adjusting your lifestyle.”

In the beginning, Helga’s symptoms developed slowly, and she didn’t appear ill to others. She was even able to run for a few years after her diagnosis, but she couldn’t do marathons anymore, and she began to fall frequently due to balance issues and right-foot dragging. Then her cognition issues became more problematic, especially in her job as a trainer in a printing company.

“My executive function, decision-making and short-term memory were affected to the point that I was eventually medically unfit for work,” she says. She stopped working in 2017.

However, she didn’t stop living life. Even though she could no longer run, she continued to swim competitively. She got a Great Dane puppy and trained him as a service dog to help her walk. She also serves as vice chair of the patient support organization Multiple Sclerosis South Africa, and she advises others who have been diagnosed to join a patient advocacy group as soon as possible to get reliable information and meet others with MS.

Helga says she is “hopeful” about the future of MS. “I must say that I am so grateful that we have all the new medications available, because my life would not be the same if it wasn't for that,” she adds.

Part of how she manages her MS is by looking at the positives.

“If I could tell the world one thing about MS, it would be that MS is an incurable disease of the nervous system, but it's also the greatest teacher of valuing your health, family, friends, and managing change in your life,” she says. “My life is diversified in a way that I never, ever thought it would, and MS has been honestly the greatest teacher.”

Each MS journey is unique – with each person impacted experiencing different struggles, successes, and feelings as they manage this unpredictable disease. But the common thread is clear – there is a critical need for information, support, and hope. We are proud to participate in World MS Day and share these incredible stories of living life while living with MS. To learn more about MS, go to https://www.sanofi.com/why-words-really-matter-when-it-comes-to-multiple-sclerosis.

MAT-GLB-2301642-v1.0-05/2023

This article was sponsored by Sanofi. Participants were compensated when applicable.

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