upworthy

A common ingredient in cosmetics is helping to lift rural women out of poverty.

This is shea butter. And you may not know it, but it's in a lot of products you use every day.

Left: Photo by gtknj/Flickr. Right: Altered photo by Kazuhiro Keino/Flickr.

Most people first encounter shea butter as a beauty cream, typically used for skin and hair products. But it's also a common ingredient in medicine, cooking oils, and even chocolate bars.

But perhaps one of shea butter's lesser known, but most important, qualities is this: It's helping to provide well-paying, consistent employment for women in West Africa.

While shea is a hot commodity, procuring it isn't easy.

Shea trees are plentiful in Western Africa, but they take decades to mature and produce fruit — anywhere from 15 to 40 years.

A grove of shea trees in Burkina Faso. Photo by Lionel Bonaventure/AFP/Getty Images.

"There's a nut, with a very, very smoothy, shiny surface," Rosanah Fung, General Manager of SeKaf Ghana Limited, a social enterprise connected with the shea butter industry, told Upworthy. "Inside that nut is a very small kernel shaped like an almond. Inside that almond is how people make shea butter and shea oil."

A woman holds shea nuts in her hands. Photo by Issouf Sanogo/AFP/Getty Images.

And harvesting and processing shea butter is a skill many mothers in rural West Africa pass down to their daughters.

The women will harvest the fruit from shea trees in their villages and make small batches of shea butter using their own home-taught methods.

A woman processes shea kernels into shea butter. Photo by Lionel Bonaventure/AFP/Getty Images.

But while the demand for shea butter — in and outside of Western Africa — is great, there are two problems: With each family using their own time-honored recipe and method, how do you make each batch consistent? And how do you keep up with global demand?

Enter Senyo Kpelly, a businessman from Southern Ghana who recognized the growing popularity of shea butter worldwide.

In 2003, he founded the commodity trading company SeKaf Ghana with his high school friend; at the time, it was mostly an import/export company. But the pair were having trouble setting themselves apart from the competition.

They realized shea butter was gaining popularity worldwide and decided to focus their energy on this growing commodity.

Because it's traditionally harvested and made by women, some call shea butter "women's gold." Photo by Lionel Bonaventure/AFP/Getty Images.

To learn all he could about making shea butter, Kpelly traveled to Northern Ghana. He settled in Tamale, smack-dab in the middle of a Sub-Saharan belt that runs from Western Africa to Uganda. It's a poor area with limited resources, but plenty of shea.

What Kpelly saw in Tamale opened his eyes to an opportunity to bring an African-made product to the masses and uplift women and communities in the process.

In 2008, Kpelly created the SeKaf Shea Butter Village to process shea butter on a massive scale using local talent.

The SeKaf Shea Butter Village brings women together in Kasalgu, a small village about 3.75 miles away from Tamale, to harvest and process shea fruit into shea butter.

Women who work at SeKaf can bring their babies and children to work with them and socialize while they process shea butter using a more uniform, consistent method.

The village is now a model for other shea butter villages in Ghana and Nigeria. Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

Not only did SeKaf Shea Butter Village improve the quality of the product, the village is now a model for others like it in other parts of Ghana and Nigeria.

It also provides stable employment for thousands of rural Ghanaian women at the SeKaf Shea Butter Village and beyond.

The best part? The women, representing 22 communities in Western Africa, run the shea butter processing from beginning to end.

There are currently 3,215 women registered as shea collectors, who manage the process from fruit to kernel, and just under 200 shea butter processors, who turn the kernels into shea butter.

SeKaf buys both the seeds and finished butter from the women, meaning they get paid for the harvest AND for their finished product.

SeKaf Shea Butter Village women using fuel efficient stoves for the boiling stage of the shea butter process. "These stoves require less firewood and the chimneys divert the smoke to improve women's health and safety issues," Fung told Upworthy. Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

The women at SeKaf are also trained to be certified organic suppliers. Having an organic, sustainable supply chain is not only good for the environment, it's also good for the women.

"If you have organic premium quality shea butter, you can get even higher prices," Fung told Upworthy. "The higher prices will trickle down to the women. So by going organic, we are paying the women an average of 15% premium of the market price for their shea nuts."

SeKaf is also piloting a financial literacy program to help their employees manage their income, save for the future, and gain autonomy.

Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

The shea season runs about four months out of the year, so making shea butter is a part-time job, but the team at SeKaf wanted to ensure that the women have sustainable income year-round.

"If they need money, they have to ask their husbands, they have to ask their relatives," Fung said. "They don't really have any financial independence. So when you don't really have financial independence. You don't really have any power or agency, because you're always depending on someone else. You're indebted to someone else."

In two communities, the company is piloting Village Savings and Loan Association (VSLA) initiatives through their SeKaf Success to Sustainable Livelihood program.

Women count their earnings at the VSLA share-out event in June. Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

There are no banks or credit unions in many of the rural communities, but through VSLA, the women can pool their money together where it can accrue interest. They also have weekly meetings and training on how to save and why it's important. An assigned record keeper helps them keep track of their funds, and the women can provide loans to each other for starting side businesses or sending their children to school.

"They haven't had opportunities for any literacy, let alone financial literacy," Fung explained. "...just because they don't have formal education, doesn't mean they're not smart. They're amazing."

And the women have been able to save a lot of money already! In the first year of the program, around 60 women were able to save 8,500 Ghanaian cedis (around $2,200). That's an especially impressive figure considering minimum wage in Ghana is seven Ghanaian cedis (around $1.80) a day.

The VSLA share-out event. Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

SeKaf will continue to provide jobs for women in West Africa for many years to come.

Though he's helped revolutionize the shea butter industry in Africa, Senyo Kpelly's work is never done. These days, he's focusing his efforts on the environment and the sustainability of the business, particularly the decades it takes to grow a viable shea tree.

"[SeKaf Ghana and Global Shea Alliance] are working with many research institutes in West Africa, and we are working with the world agroforesty center," he told Upworthy. "So together, we hope to address the issue of the long gestation period."

Recently, Kpelly also launched Tama cosmetics, a high-end line of soaps, lotions, and body oils made with the SeKaf shea butter. The products are available in a few countries in Western Africa, as well as Saudi Arabia, the U.K., and Vietnam — and is currently testing in a small market in the U.S..

Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

But even with the company's success, Kpelly's proudest moments still come from supporting and uplifting the women of his home country.

"I think my happiest moment is last month," he said. "The women said they are no [longer] poor."

Photo by SeKaf Ghana, used with permission.

And to think ... it all started with a kernel.

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Pets

The most inspiring pet stories of 2024

Leading pet brand Nulo knows every cat and dog has the power to be incredible.

via Keswick Mountain Rescue Team/Instagram, Cat Protection/Youtube

Incredible pets deserve incredible food.

2024 was a year filled with heartwarming stories that reminded us of the incredible bond between humans and their furry companions. From acts of bravery to heartwarming gestures, these pets made a huge impact on the lives of their owners… and the lives of many, many more.

It’s stories like these that continue to inspire leading pet nutrition brand Nulo, which is committed to helping pets live their best lives with functional, delicious and nutritious food. Through their innovative and intentional formulas, Nulo fuels incredible cats and dogs just like the ones below each and every day.

Enjoy some stories below of 2024’s goodest boys and girls — courageous dogs, trauma-informed kitties and much, much more —that really show the unwavering love and loyalty animals bring into our lives. Their inspiring actions fuel incredible.

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When a 71-year-old man went unconscious and collapsed during a steep hike, his golden retriever and a black labrador instinctively broke up into a rescue team — the smart and resourceful labrador going off to look for help, and the loyal goldie staying by its owner's side. Sometimes it’s smart to have two of “man’s best friends.”

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Marley, a seven-year-old, black and white feline known for his "incredible gift of empathy” won Cat Protection's National Cat of the Year 2024 for the way he comforts women who have been enslaved, exploited and trafficked and staying at the Caritas Bakhita Safe House in London. He’s known to often leave a reassuring paw on guests’ legs to “let them know they’re not alone,” a gesture often called “the first kindness they’ve experienced in years.”

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In early 2024, Kobe, a four-year-old husky with an extraordinary sense of smell, began digging obsessively in the yard. At first the pooch’s owner, Chanell Bell, thought this was just typical behavior, but soon discovered that Kobe had indeed detected a dangerously large cloud of natural gas that would have not only been seriously life-threatening to her, but the entire neighborhood. It’s like they say, “the nose knows.”

Eight-year-old golden retriever Roger, may have failed his drug-sniffing training in Taiwan, but it turns out he has a knack for rescue operations during natural disasters. After a 7.4-magnitude earthquake struck, Roger dug through the rubble of a collapsed building to locate the body of one of the 13 people killed in the quake, offering closure to a grieving family. This earned him the nickname of “the pride of Taiwan” on social media.

Dogs don’t only save humans — sometimes they rescue other animals as well.

When folks scrolling through the X account called “Animals Dying” saw a video of a creature swimming through murky water with a deer fawn in its jaws, they probably assumed it was an alligator enjoying its latest meal. But to everyone’s surprise and delight, it was actually a Labrador Retriever making sure the sweet little fawn didn’t drown.

Once a stray, 12-year-old Cilla found her home at Outwoods Primary School in Warwickshire, England, where she calms anxious students, inspires a community of cat lovers on X, and has even used her social media celebrity to help raise £5,000 to restock the school library — a place she loves to lounge in.

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In July, Bloodhound puppy and K-9 unit member Remi used his powerful nose to help an autistic and non-verbal boy who had gotten lost find his way back home. Deputy B. Belk, Remi’s partner, used a piece of sterile gauze to collect the scent from the boy’s forearms and the back of his neck and had Remi “reverse” track backwards for about half a mile to locate the child’s home in a nearby neighborhood.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

When a beautiful pooch named Gita saw her 84-year-old owner fall and hurt his leg, she ran down to the main road, and refused to move until someone stopped to help. Eventually she was seen by a man named Deputy Wright, who tried to get Gita into his patrol car, but the dog wouldn’t budge. When Gita did finally bolt off, Wright followed her down to where the man had been stranded, and was able to help him. Without her protection, who knows if the man would have been found in time? “The loyalty and heroism of our furry friends never cease to amaze us,” Wright would end up writing on Facebook.

If there’s an incredible furry friend in your own life, nothing says “thank you” quite like a nourishing meal. Check out Nulo for a variety of recipes sure to be loved by your beloved pet.

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Joy

The 17 harsh truths about aging that people were never 'prepared' for

"How your mind stays young while your body starts to slow down."

via Kindel Media/Pexels

A woman contemplating aging

Many of us feel invincible when we are young, believing we can control the aging process so that we’ll always stay forever young, as Bob Dylan once sang. But there’s a moment when everyone realizes aging is an inevitable process and that, eventually, we will have to deal with a slow decline in our physical and, quite possibly, mental capabilities.

This realization and understanding that we won’t be here forever can profoundly change one’s perspective on life. Even though aging is inevitable, studies show how we think about the process can significantly impact our longevity. People with a positive view of aging live an average of 7.5 years longer than those without.

Things happen as we age that are impossible to describe to younger people. However, a group of Redditors did an excellent job of explaining the truths about aging that they were not “prepared” for in a recent thread that made a lot of people feel seen. A user named sofiagympixie asked the AskReddit forum, “What’s a truth about aging that no one prepared you for?” and it received over 2,700 responses.

A big takeaway is that many people feel like they stop mentally aging at a certain point, usually in their late 20s. Still, the continued physical aging they experience makes them feel like they cannot relate to the person in the mirror.



Here are 17 of the most profound responses to the question: What’s a truth about aging that no one prepared you for?

1. There is an end

"You start to realize the older you get that the end is closer than the beginning and you still feel like you have so much more to do."

"That moment where you start to get a sense that there is an end."

2. It takes energy to keep everything afloat

"No one prepared me for how much energy and time it takes to maintain everything—like health, relationships, and just staying organized. It’s way more work than I expected!"

3. Mind/body detachment

"How your mind stays young while your body starts to slow down. You still feel like the same person you’ve always been, but suddenly you notice little things changing."

"This was such a surprise to me. I really expected to feel psychologically older as I aged. But physically, oh my body has betrayed me... Eyes... hair (gray, but at least I still have it)... back... knees... hips... prostate."



4. The past feels closer than it is

"When you get a flashback of a good memory and you realize that was over 10 years ago."

"When I told my daughter about something I did 24 years ago, I had to pause for a moment."

Time flies isn't just a saying. Psychologists agree that our minds lump time together based on novel experiences. When we are older, the days are a lot more similar than when we were young children. That's why when you're 80, time moves a lot faster than it did when you were 8.

5. Stuck in the wrong time

"I’m 61, and sometimes I feel like this world is not for me anymore. I feel almost like an imposter. For example, I can’t find clothes I like that fit correctly, TV is abhorrent, only old music sounds pleasant, shoes are uncomfortable, I don’t recognize most celebrities or famous people in the news or tabloids, and I don’t understand the need for most new and supposedly exciting products. I’m an educated person, I still work and have an active life. I’m not a recluse. But a little at a time, I feel the world is moving on without me. I finally understand why, in her final years, my mother only watched movies from the 1950s and reminisced about the past more than she talked about the present. Her world was long gone."



6. You lose friends

"If you choose not to have kids, you may end up losing your friends. I turn 40 this year, and my partner and I don't see many folks these days. Parents like to hang out with other parents. And I don't have a grudge, I totally see the value for playdates, etc. But it can be a little lonely."

"To be fair, I have 2 kids and lost a lot of friends because we simply don’t have the time/energy to connect regularly enough to maintain a healthy friendship. It instead falls into an awkward acquaintance stage where enough time passes between communication, and you’re not sure if reaching out to connect comes across weird."

7. Your parents are aging, too

"It's not just you who is getting old. Your parents are getting even older."

"I feel this. Lost my mom 2 weeks before my 21st birthday. 40 now with 2 kids. I get angry/sad at a lot of milestones like my wedding and kids' stuff ‘cause my mom was robbed of them, and I was robbed of her."

8. Time wasted caring about other people's opinions

"It’s so freeing when that old twinge of 'why don’t they like me' pops up, and then I remember that I can not be bothered by that anymore, and magically, I don’t care!"

"Just wasting time in general. No thanks. I want to do as many things as possible!"



9. Your friends die

"Your friends start to die. It's something I never thought about."

10. Time flies

"Man. I don’t even feel like the days are long anymore. I just keep blinking and the weeks go by."

"Yup, wake up, eat breakfast, do a couple things. Wait, it’s lunch already? Eat lunch, do a couple more things, time to prep dinner. Eat dinner, clean up, fix a few things, it’s 9 pm. I guess it’s almost time to get ready for bed? This times 10,000 for me."

11. The monotony sets in

"You will realize that you hate planning meals and making food every single day. It's boring, and it's too easy to fall into monotony. But you have to make lunch again and then plan for dinner again then make dinner again and what do you want to eat tomorrow so you plan for breakfast tomorrow and get up and make breakfast again and then plan for lunch again...."

12. You become invisible to much of society

"I wondered what felt off the last year. Gen Z is everywhere now, and I'm still asking myself when that happened."



13. Adults aren't real

"When you're a kid, you can't wait to 'grow up,' and then you do, and you're still you, just older. That voice inside your head doesn't change, but what you see in the mirror does. Only now you're just older and saddled with bills and stress and all of life's 'surprises.' On top of this, everyone is winging it. Absolutely everyone. Because the idea of order and a civilized society is an illusion. We're all playing by made up rules and making imaginary money and all the rest of it. A one-dollar bill costs just as much to print as a hundred-dollar bill."

14. Priorities change

"Things that seemed so important when you were younger, really are not important."

15. Younger people's reverence

"I'm middle-aged, and a funny thing is how younger people get self-conscious or apologize when there is no need. For example, they will apologize for swearing around me or mentioning something like (gasp) drinking, or drugs, or sleeping around. I think it's funny. Why would being on earth longer make me easier to scandalize? I've seen and done things that would shock them, lol, but to them I'm a very proper-looking classy older lady."

16. Ageism

"Doors start closing once you reach a certain age."

"Ageism is real. I just turned 50 and am in a young person's career (software development). I feel how hiring managers look at me when asked to turn my camera on, during an interview that was going very well and suddenly it's 'we'll get back to you.'"

17. It all catches up

"Things like drinking, eating unhealthily, smoking, spending ... they will catch up. When you're young you think you're different, or you think that when it does catch up you'll be old so who cares, I won't care when I'm old anyway. You will care, though. You'll still be you. Those things won't seem like an issue right up to the moment they are. And then it's too late to take them back."

This article originally appeared in September.
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Joy

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick air grievances about one another in the cutest way possible

It's like watching a marriage therapy session, but with music and laughter.

Image credit: Kevin Bacon/Instagram

Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon have been married for 36 years.

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick have been #marriagegoals for a long time—36 years and still going strong, in fact. The actors met on set of the film "Lemon Sky" in 1987, got married 18 months later, and have been happily hitched ever since. Though they've both managed to work on films and television series throughout their marriage, they put a lot of focus on raising their two kids (now both in their 30s), splitting their time between Hollywood, New York and their farm in rural Connecticut.

Bacon and Sedgwick like to share videos from the farm, often featuring one or both of them singing together with their farm animals, which is every bit as endearing as it sounds. Any couple thriving after nearly four decades of marriage is a joy to see, but for a famous couple it's particularly heartwarming. Fame and marriage don't always make the best bedfellows, but these two have made it work.

Even when they're complaining about one another, their genuine affection shines through. Bacon and Sedgwick made a video playing with the "We listen and we don't judge" social media trend, where couple share relationship confessions with one another. Unlike other couples who shared things that made people question the health of their relationship, these two demonstrate how humor, honesty and respect work together in a happy marriage.

People are loving the playful dynamic between them and the obvious love they have for one another.

"I like these two so much. They love each other dearly and they can make fun out of each other without being offended and get mad. Great humor, essential for a relationship."

"That's why you two beautiful people have been married for 37+ year's. Real love; openness, respect, loyalty, toleration, learning, growth, evolving together. A billion positive reasons.. even when "trying" not to judg, with a healthy dose of communication and getting it all out"

"Such a nice way to counsel each other and those watching, putting it into song and talking things out. Being married after all these long years, doing stuff like this together is the icing on the marriage that keeps it together. How wonderful is that. This put a smile on my face."

"How beautiful it would be if we could really really practice this in our lives and laugh about the small things and not let the “bigger” things be as big a deal as we make them out to be. 🙌☺️🙏 You two are beyond adorable and give us all relationship goals."

"I love you guys. The fact that you can do this with humor and do it publicly speaks loudly of your strength & tenacity as a couple. Be love,💕, be peace ☮️. Perhaps you should be marriage counselors??…"

People who have been married for a long time know that honesty and communication are important in a relationship, but so is not sweating the small stuff and forgiving one another's minor annoyances. Throw in the ability to laugh at ourselves and some sweet harmonies, and you have the magic combo we see working for Bacon and Sedgwick here. But you don't have to have a guitar-playing spouse to share fun moments together, communicate with love and kindness, and listen without judgment—truly.

You can watch Bacon and Sedgwick's other collaborations and see glimpses into their life on the farm on Kevin Bacon's Instagram page.

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Pop Culture

An OnlyFans star had sex with 101 men in a single day and shared how it affected her mental health

This is why more young people are saying "No Thanks" to casual hookups.

lillyphillipstokk/TikTok & Josh Pieters/YouTube

In the absence of proper sex education in many parts of the country, more and more people are turning to online pornography to learn how things work. In that case, people will be very interested to hear about the curious case of Lily Phillips. The 23-year-old OnlyFans star recently took on an ambitious, if a little gross, challenge: She was going to sleep with 100 men in just 24 hours.

Lily spent months "training" for the stunt, and on the big day, invited a documentary filmmaker along to record what was sure to be a wild journey. The guys were recruited through Lily's large fanbase and flew in to meet her from all over the world. During the stunt, they would take turns coming into the room where they would make small talk, hang their clothes up, and have about 2-3 minutes each with Lily.

One guy brought a single rose.

The most interesting part of filmmaker Josh Pieter's documentary, however, is the aftermath. Immediately afterwards, Lily told the film crew she was feeling physically fine. But anyone watching can clearly see that she is physically and, more importantly, emotionally exhausted.

"It's not for the weak girls, if I'm honest. It was hard, I don't know if I'd recommend it." She then gets emotional trying to describe the intensity of the experiment and has to walk off camera to collect herself.


Lily Phillips crying and collecting herself while being interviewed by documentary crewJosh Pieters/YouTube

Lily eventually opened up and said the thing that got to her was the awkwardness of some of the interactions, how uncomfortable it was at times and feeling pressure to show the guys "a good time," worrying that some of them didn't like her or were disappointed in the experience, or in her. Some of the men guilted her for not spending more time with them or not fulfilling certain expectations they had going in.

I know, I know. It's hard to feel too bad for her knowing she came up with this idea on her own to grow her business and willingly participated. But hearing her reflect on the aftermath is a surprisingly human and affecting moment. Most non-adult stars will, obviously, never attempt such a stunt. But the emotions Lily was feeling at the end of the day still seem awfully relatable to us regular human-beings.

Even the documentary director was surprised by Lily's reaction. "I certainly didn't expect to see Lily so upset at the end of it all," Josh Pieters said. "I thought perhaps in years to come she might look back on this day in sadness, but not so instantly afterwards."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Casual sex has its upsides for some people, but it's emotionally fraught for all parties and has been linked to negative mental health outcomes.

It might be a stretch to call an OnlyFans content stunt "casual sex," but there's a lot we can learn by the end of Lily and Josh's documentary. VerywellMind writes that casual hookups can damage your health in many different ways. There's a risk of disappointment, regret, damaged self-esteem, depression, embarrassment, and more.

Even a so-called professional can't escape some of these emotions! So us normies have to be really careful. It's not that hookups are inherently bad, but a lot of people jump into them without setting expectations, communicating well, and properly thinking through how they're going to feel at the end.

This is a big reason younger generations like Gen Z have been moving away from the casual dating and hooking up culture previous generations were big on.

Global Dating Insights writes that young people report "feeling burnt out, anxious, and disconnected after engaging in short-term flings or casual hookups" and are more likely to seek platonic or long-term romantic relationships — though there are other factors involved in this shift, as well.

A 28-year-old woman told the LA Times, "“[Not having sex] helps me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

A 21-year-old wrote in to Men's Health curious why everyone he met seemed to only want a romantic relationship or be "demisexual," which means they only feel attraction to someone after forming a strong emotional connection.

It's fascinating to see the pendulum start to swing in the opposite direction as become more aware of some of the mental-health downsides to a practice that has been commonplace for decades.

At the end of the day, feelings aside, the stunt was a huge success for Lily in terms of exposure and content. So much so that she quickly announced a new plan to break the world record for sexual partners in a 24 hour span by trying to reach 1,000 — the current record, for anyone wondering, is 919 set in 2004.

Good luck, we think?

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Joy

8-year-old saves up for weeks to buy touching Christmas gift for mom after dad passes away

"What a gift to learn this level of empathy at such a young age."

Photo credit: Canva

Kids can be such great teachers.

No child should have to lose a parent. It’s a tragic, life-altering experience, no doubt about it. But even when put in such painful circumstances, kids can also be the ones to teach us grown-ups that there is always an opportunity to open the heart and let love in. A video making the rounds on Instagram, showing an 8-year-old girl venturing into a holiday market with her pink piggy bank in search of a Chritsmas gift for mom, is resonating with a lot of folks for that very reason.

As Mira Simone, the mom who captured the video, explained, her husband had died of cancer when her daughter was only 3-years-old. Now at 8, Simone’s daughter asked her to take them to the local holiday market, but insisted Simone not follow or watch. The young girl would end up spending $25—at an allowance of $3 a week, that means she saved up for about 2 months. All so mom could have a nice gift for Christmas.

“I ache for her — the responsibility of it, the planning, the things a child should never have to learn,” Simone wrote in the caption of the post. And yet, at the same time, she couldn’t help but commend the “incredible emotional intelligence she would have never had otherwise.”

“I fought back tears at the unfairness of it, the beauty. The love. The extra layers our grieving kids hold are infinite. I’m sure there are so many I don’t even see.”

Indeed, Simone’s lovely daughter is not an outlier. Research has indicated that kids who experience significant grief, like losing a parent, do often demonstrate a higher level of empathy, which they carry with them into adulthood. A common thought as to why is that being exposed to extremely painful emotions at an early age makes it easier to spot similar emotions in others.

Of course, everyone’s grief journey is different. While many children do show incredible resilience, others might need extra support. And let’s be clear—even resilient children need support. Because even if they aren’t grieving in a way that’s visible, they could still be dealing with very complex and difficult emotions.

As parents, teachers and helpful adults in a child’s life, grief support often starts with creating a safe space to express those difficult feelings, whatever they may be. The Child Mind Institute suggests incorporating alternative outlets such as drawing pictures, building a scrapbook, looking at photo albums, or telling stories, since finding the right words isn’t always easy.

Besides having an open dialogue, creating a stable routine (especially during a time of such upheaval) can be extremely helpful. It’s a simple way of showing that life moves on, and we can move on with it, even while grieving.

Other than that, the work is allowing for the grief to process naturally, and reassuring them that they are not alone. After all, this could be an opportunity to teach them that grief is a vital part of healing, and can eventually help them grow. That’s a lesson not many of us learn until much much later.

Even though we’d never wish such heartache on any kid, it’s beautiful to see kids like Simone’s still able to navigate the world with so much love and compassion. It’s a resilience that shouldn’t be taken for granted, but is incredibly inspiring nonetheless.

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Family

Parent coach shares the ‘do-over’ trick to stop yourself from yelling at your kids

There's always have a second chance to get it right.

via Canva/Photos

An angry mom yelling at her teenage daughter.

A new video by certified parenting coach Destini Ann is refreshing to many parents who have overreacted once or twice or, most likely, dozens of times while in the line of duty. She believes it’s acceptable to stop when you’ve lost control and call a do-over. Although that may seem hard for some parents, it’s all about catching yourself in the act.

Destini says the key is having the self-awareness to know that once you realize you’ve made a mistake, you can quickly pop out of that moment before making a regrettable parenting decision. It’s a powerful tool, especially when you get a bad night’s sleep and wake up to your kid spilling Cheerios on the couch.

In a video with over 14,000 views, Destini says the powerful phrase we all need to keep in our hip pockets is: “Let me try that again."

How to stop yelling at my kids

“When we are stuck in these parenting cycles that we’re trying to get out of, your awareness might catch you doing the inappropriate behavior. But for some of us, that brings on shame and it kind of makes it even harder in the moment to stop,” Destini says. “Get out of your head about ‘Oh my goodness, I can’t fix the moment.’ Guess what? You’re right! The moment has already passed. You yelled. ‘Let me try that again’ allows you to create another moment. So when you walk in the room and the clothes are beside the hamper instead of in the hamper and you start going off, when that signal pops in your head that you’re doing too much, you can give yourself a redo!”

@destini.ann

When you’re jumping to conclusions before asking questions… “let me try that again.” When you led with sarcasm instead of assertiveness… “let me try that again” When “who do you think you’re talking to, I’m not the one” rolled off your tongue EFFORTLESSLY… “let me try that again” “Let me try that again” gives you permission to make mistakes WITHOUT the shame that makes you either escalate or retreat without setting the expectation, boundary or standard. It lets you show up to parenting understanding that while you’re healing, you can still have a script and system that allows you to more easily return to integrity and create positive moments after mistakes. These kinds repetitious scripts are a path of least resistance. They build my awareness and accountability muscles💪🏾 . I don’t have to turn it into a huge moment, I don’t have to come up with some creative “fix” or walk away and go regulate. I can say the same thing I said last time and signal my brain to DO IT OVER.

Destini notes that we may feel a moment of shame for either approaching the situation with a little too much gusto or breaking character as a parent and reversing course mid-scream. But there’s nothing wrong with that. You and your family will appreciate the brief moment of reflection and the redirect.

“‘My bad. Let me try that again. Mommy’s doing too much. Let’s put the clothes in the hamper, OK?” doesn’t that sound a lot better than kicking yourself for the next few hours for blowing your top and feeling like a terrible parent?

Is it bad to yell at my kids?

It can also stop a lot of trouble before it begins. According to Better Help, yelling at a child can create problems for them in the long and short term. “In the short term, a child who is on the receiving end of yelling may become aggressive, anxious, and withdrawn. In the long term, as a result of childhood emotional abuse, they may develop anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, and a negative view of themselves,” an article reviewed by Julie Dodson, MA, LCSW, states.



The video was a hit with Destini’s followers, who feel that every parent deserves a redo. "I love this approach. I absolutely own up each time I need an attitude adjustment. I want to be an example to my children that we can change course and acknowledge when we’re not behaving nicely," Laura wrote in the comments. "Thank you! I feel so stuck and so guilty when I don’t keep it together. This is something I know I can do," Gioia wrote.

"I needed this!!!!! That's the worst. I do not feel like I can have a redo! Thank you," Alicia wrote.

There is no such thing as perfect parents; sooner or later, we will all fall short of our expectations. The key is how you handle it when it happens. You can get carried away in a negative cycle of yelling and feeling bad for yourself. Or, be conscious that at any time, you can stop and say, “Let me try that again.” It’ll come in handy next time you walk into your kid’s bedroom and see they’ve drawn Pokémon characters on the wall in Sharpie.

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