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Woman who lost her 'pretty privilege' says it changed how she saw everyone

"The fatter I got, the less attention was paid to me."

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A smiling blonde woman.

There is something extremely unfair about people born with great genetics who are extremely attractive. Sure, folks can improve their looks after putting in some work at the gym or learning how to present themselves. But many people we consider conventionally good-looking hit the jackpot by simply being born that way.

With little effort, these people have an incredible social advantage in life. They are seen as morally virtuous, receive random favors, are always the center of attention, and are more likely to get raises and promotions at work. The funny thing is that those with pretty privilege don’t realize the incredible advantage they have until it's gone.

What happens when people lose their pretty privilege?

In a since-deleted post, a woman on Reddit shared how she realized the power that comes with pretty privilege when she gained a lot of weight, and the world immediately began treating her differently.

“Whether we want to admit it or not, pretty privilege is a thing. And it’s something that I now realize I had for the majority of my life,” the woman wrote in a viral post. “People were usually very nice to me. I got offered perks like drinks at bars and extra attention when I went out. And I was stared at a lot.”

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Things changed for the woman after she had a health condition that required her to take a medication that slowed her metabolism, which resulted in rapid weight gain.

“The fatter I got, the less attention was paid to me," the woman continued. "I didn’t notice it at first, but I began to have to ask for customer service at places instead of being offered, and I started to feel invisible, because no one looked at me. No one. People would walk right by and not even acknowledge my existence. It was strange at first, then incredibly humbling. I thought, well, this is the new normal.”

The power of thin privilege

It’s important to note that being a certain weight doesn’t automatically make you good looking. People can look good at any weight. However, it would be naive to believe that thin people don’t have an advantage in this world.

woman, pretty, privilege, looks, attraction, beauty, thin A thin woman poses in front of bushes. Photo Credit: Mwabonje Ringa/Pexels

The drastic fluctuation in the woman’s weight made her conscious of what other people who don’t have the privilege of being pretty or thin go through in life. It allowed her to have greater compassion for people, regardless of how they look.

“My personality started to change a little," she wrote. "I began being thankful for any small interaction someone had with me, and responded to any small act of kindness with gratefulness. I noticed other not conventionally pretty people, and other overweight people, and made an effort to talk to them and treat them like they mattered. I became a better person. Not that I wasn’t a good person before, but I was now more aware and empathetic to those around me.”

The woman soon went off the medication and, just like that, she lost weight, and people began to treat her as they had before.

“The first time I noticed it was when I was in a store looking for something, and a handsome male worker came up to me and asked if I needed help. He looked me in the eyes. I felt like I mattered again,” she continued. “Then I instantly felt sad and horrified, because of the cosmic unfairness of life, that how we look really does determine how people treat us, even though it shouldn’t.”

woman, pretty privilege, attractiveness, beauty, standards, sun, sunset, empowerment A woman stands in front of a sunset. Photo Credit: Jill Wellington/Pexels

After the woman lost her privilege, she better understood what other people go through. On one hand, she probably enjoys the privilege, but on the other, she feels that the world is much less fair than she once imagined. At least, in the end, it’s taught her to be more empathetic to everyone she meets.

“And also, when someone looks at me and smiles, no matter who they are, I give them a huge smile back,” she finished her post.

This article originally appeared in May.

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Veteran dad couldn’t help 9-year-old girl with her cheer routine, so a classmate came to the rescue

He sprang to help without hesitation, and many witnessed the kindness firsthand.

Images from YouTube video.

Addie Rodriguez does her cheer.

Addie Rodriguez was supposed to take the field with her dad during a high school football game, where he, along with other dads, would lift her onto his shoulders for a routine. But Addie's dad was halfway across the country, unable to make the event.

Her father is Abel Rodriguez, a veteran airman who, after tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, was training at Travis Air Force Base in California, 1,700 miles from his family in San Antonio at the time.

"Mom missed the memo, it was parent day, and the reason her mom missed the memo was her dad left on Wednesday," said Alexis Perry-Rodriguez, Addie's mom. She continued, "It was really heartbreaking to see your daughter standing out there being the only one without their father, knowing why he's away. It's not just an absentee parent. He's serving our country."

A high schooler notices what’s happening and runs to help

inspiring, culture, mental health, friendship, mentorsAddie Rodriguez and Mathew Garcia.Images from YouTube video.

But as Addie sat there in front of the game's crowd, with no one to join her on the field, someone ran toward her. That person was Central Catholic High School senior Matthew Garcia, who went to her after realizing she was the only cheerleader without a partner.

Garcia told local news station FOX 29, "I ran down from the bleachers right here, and I just hopped the fence, and I went over, and I kneeled down, I talked to her and I said, 'Are you OK?'"

He then lifted Addie onto his shoulders just like the dads did with their daughters so she could participate in the routine. Many onlookers quickly realized they were witnessing an extraordinary act of kindness, and social media was abuzz:

For Addie, the small act meant everything

It may have been a small gesture for Garcia, but as Addie tells it, that little bit of assistance meant the world to her. They posed for a picture after the routine was done, and it's clear this will be one encounter she won't soon forget.

"I just felt like somebody saved my life," Addie said, adding, "I thought that's so nice, especially since my dad's serving for us.”

Watch the YouTube video below:

In the years since...

In the years since that moment, Matthew Garcia has been recognized in more formal ways for his compassion. In 2017, he was honored at the Musial Awards, an event celebrating sportsmanship and character, for the loving act that turned a child’s pain into a moment of inclusion and kindness.

Matthew and Addie’s families have kept in touch. On the day Addie’s father returned from deployment, he made a point of visiting Matthew at his high school to personally thank him for what he did.

Even though the news cycle has largely quieted, the impact of that small gesture still echoes, both for Addie, who said she felt “somebody saved my life,” and for Matthew, who later reflected that one tiny action can ripple outward far more than one might expect.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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A police officer's compassionate act inspired a program to help officers offer a 'hand-up'

Officers get a debit card to help with a person's immediate needs—food, diapers, transportation, replacement of stolen items, and more.

Photo credit: Canva

BlueBridge Alliance gives officers the means to provide material help community members on the spot.

We often think of police officers as the people who enforce laws, arrest suspects, and generally deal with the criminal element of society. But many of the people the police come into contact with aren't criminals. Sometimes they're victims. Sometimes they're people in crisis. When officers respond to a service call, they often find people on their worst day during a difficult time.

Ideally, officers are trained to help connect community members with services that can help them, but people often have other needs that are practical, material, and immediate. Financial struggle can compound whatever else is going on, and officers often find themselves either at a loss to help or dipping into their own pockets to meet a small need they know they can do something about.

It was a San Diego police officer's act of compassion—buying a snack for a hungry neighborhood child shortly before being shot and killed in 2011—that inspired Brian Spracklen to ask, "What if every officer had the resources to offer similar kindness in moments of vulnerability?" Four years later in Kennewick, Washington, Police Chief Ken Hohenberg (an old friend of Spracklen's) launched a program with the support of community leaders to provide exactly those resources, funded by donations from the local community.

That initiative had a profound effect on police-community relations in Kennewick. Officers were able to perform random acts of kindness like buying diapers for a struggling mom, replacing a critical tool that had been stolen, or meeting other essential needs to make someone's situation just a little bit easier. Those acts of compassion help foster greater trust with the community, leading to increased cooperation, improved communication, and enhanced public safety.

The success of that pilot program spread. Today, Spracklen and Hohenberg run BlueBridge Alliance, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that currently partners with 58 police departments across Washington state.

BlueBridge's goals are simple:

  1. To relieve suffering by providing immediate, on-the-spot, short-term assistance to those in urgent need.
  2. To strengthen (and where necessary, restore) mutual trust and respect between the police and the members of the community they serve.
  3. To boost police morale and renew officers’ service ethos, leading to improved recruitment and retention.
The way it works is simple as well. Each officer is provided a debit card with a certain amount of funds (say, $100 a month) that they can use at their discretion as they see needs arise in their daily work in the community. The continual flow of funds is raised locally, giving the whole community an opportunity help out their neighbors when they need a "hand-up." On-the-spot aid may sometimes be a band-aid for a bigger issue, but as we all know, a band-aid is a big relief when you really need one.
Though some people believe that it's not a police officer's job to buy someone a bus ticket or groceries to get them through the week, the reality is that the police are often right there on the ground, face-to-face with people in need. Giving officers a way to "serve and protect" in material ways is an efficient method of meeting people's immediate needs, not to mention a means for one human to help another.

"It might be surprising for many people to know that most police aren’t out to 'bust' people for doing things," Spracklen tells Upworthy. "They typically get into their profession because they want to help people out. And, most people they have contact with are good people having a bad day or experiencing a rough spot. Our program provides them a tool that can help 'bridge' a gap between what’s needed right now and connecting them with resources that can help them longer-term. This builds trust, improves public safety, and saves money in criminal justice costs to the public."

Here's one example of the initiative in action shared by an officer in Pullman, Washington:

"I came in contact with a military veteran approximately 80 years old, who was seeking help due to the heat in his apartment not working. The male had made a complaint to the property management and had a work order to be created for the repair of the heat in his apartment unit, though it had not been completed before the weekend. The male had attempted to call the afterhours number for the property and called the Community Action Center, who oversees the apartments he lives in. The male told me he was cold, and did not have the funds to purchase a heater while he waited for the property management to fix his. The male told he had metal plates in his leg due to being in the military and was struggling in the cold. At the time of contact with the male, it was approximately 40 degrees outside with a cold breeze. The male had two more days until it was business hours again to attempt to reach management about the heat again. I attempted to call them myself and was unable to speak with anyone. I then decided to purchase the male a space heater for his apartment until his heating could be fixed. The male was surprised when I arrived with a heater in hand but immediately thanked me for getting one. It was not his fault the management did not fix the heater before ending their workweek, and it felt good to help someone make it through the weekend without being cold." - Officer A. St. Andre

Naturally, there are questions about accountability. When officers use the card, they upload their receipts to the BlueBridge system and fill out a report, which provides information about how the funds were used as well as demographic data that helps inform the program. There's also a way to anonymously report a misuse of funds through the BlueBridge website.

The heart of the program is compassion, but hard data plays a big role in the program's success. Spracklen says BlueBridge Alliance was founded almost like a tech startup. "We are always looking at metrics, and learning and improving from them—it’s a never-ending cycle," he says, adding that there are unique challenges to getting non-profit efforts off the ground compared to for-profit companies: "There’s a fundraising paradox for nonprofits: The smaller you are, the more expensive it is to obtain funds that are desperately needed. And, you can’t afford to fundraise much when you’re trying to spend people’s donations to achieve your organization's goals for doing good."

It costs around $5,000 to get a new community set up with the program. Though BlueBridge Alliance is currently only partnering with precincts in Washington state, there are expansion plans in the pipeline.
"We have over 100 law enforcement agencies across the country on our expansion list who are clamoring for a program," says Spracklen. "We’re trying to obtain the funding to get them started up. We found that once started, communities overwhelmingly support their local programs through donations, but it’s the initial hard costs of getting the program started that’s a challenge."
People can donate to the general BlueBridge Alliance mission here, and Washington residents can search for their local departments' funds here.
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There are 3 central types of empathy and we all need to understand them much better

Here's what cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy mean.

Photo credit: Canva

Empathy is different than sympathy.

Is empathy a real thing? Is it even possible to feel what another person feels if you've not experienced what they are going through? What differentiates it from sympathy or compassion?

While sympathy and empathy are often interchanged and overlap in meaning, the way the words are used differs. If we're looking dictionary definitions, Merriam-Webster sums up the differences:

Sympathy is a feeling of sincere concern for someone who is experiencing something difficult or painful. Empathy involves actively sharing in the person’s emotional experience.

In other words, sympathy is feeling for someone, while empathy is feeling with someone. While some might feel it's impossible to feel empathy for a person if you haven't experienced exactly what they have, that's not really an accurate depiction of what empathy entails. Digging into the three types of empathy—cognitive, emotional, and compassionate—may help us understand.

Cognitive Empathy

The word "cognitive" refers to "conscious intellectual activity (such as thinking, reasoning, or remembering)" and cognitive empathy is "the ability to identify and understand emotions of others."

Essentially, cognitive empathy means we can look at a person's experience, use our intellect to imagine what it would feel like, and form an understanding of how the person is feeling. For instance, let's say your friend's dog died and you've never even had a dog. If you have knowledge of how close the bond can be between a human and a dog, and you've seen how much your friend loved their dog, you can imagine how they are feeling. You don't have to have lost a dog yourself in order to imagine yourself having a close bond with dog and losing them.

empathy, cognitive empathy, sympathy, compassion, emotions Cognitive empathy involves understanding how others feel.Photo credit: Canva

Another example of cognitive empathy is when you see a refugee finally get resettled after fleeing a war zone and sitting for years in limbo and being able to understand their feelings of relief and hope. You don't have to have lived with war or waited years for safety and security in order to understand the feelings those experiences would evoke.

Cognitive empathy allows us to connect with others through an understanding of emotions. It says, "I can see things through your eyes and understand why you feel the way you do."

Emotional Empathy

What sets emotional empathy apart from cognitive empathy is the role our own emotions play. Emotional empathy isn't just understanding; it's experiencing the emotions of the other person. If your friend whose dog died starts to cry and you start to cry, too, that's emotional empathy. If you see the relief on the face of the refugee and find your shoulders dropping and your heart rate slowing and a feeling of calm come over you, that's emotional empathy.

empathy, emotional empathy, affective empathy, compassion, emotions Emotional or affective empathy means feeling what another feels.Photo credit: Canva

Emotional empathy doesn't necessarily mean you've experienced what the other person is experiencing, but rather that you share the emotions of the other person in response to their experience. Tearing up when others cry, feeling joyous when others celebrate, getting angry when others are mad—all manifestations of emotional empathy.

While emotional empathy (also known as affective empathy) can creates strong connections with people, it can also be exhausting if it's not kept in check.

Compassionate Empathy

While sometimes wrapped into the former two, compassionate empathy differs in that it's marked by a desire to act. When you understand a person's feelings and/or feel along with them and want to do something to alleviate their pain or suffering, that's compassionate empathy (sometimes also called "empathic concern").

Let's say you met that refugee while they were still in limbo and afraid for their future. Compassionate empathy might lead you to look for programs that could help them or to volunteer with refugee organizations to help others in similar circumstances.

Empathy helps us connect with our fellow humans and encourages social cohesion. Without empathy, it's much easier to turn a blind eye to injustice and suffering.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Understanding empathy is important not only for connecting with others going through a difficult time, but for all relationships with others in our lives. For instance, psychologist Dr. Daniel Goleman explains the three types of empathy in the context of leadership and why having all three creates the best foundation for effective leadership.

“In general, empathy is a powerful predictor of things we consider to be positive behaviors that benefit society, individuals, and relationships,” Karina Schumann, PhD, a professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, told Upworthy. “Scholars have shown across domains that empathy motivates many types of prosocial behaviors, such as forgiveness, volunteering, and helping, and that it’s negatively associated with things like aggression and bullying.”

Empathy comes more naturally to some than others, especially considering these three manifestations of it, but it's a skill that everyone can cultivate. The American Psychological Association suggests multiple ways people can consciously boost their empathy:

- Expose yourself to differences (which helps to provide more context for other people's perspectives)

- Read more fiction (character-driven stories can help us better understand people's thoughts, feelings, and motivations)

- Harness oxytocin (increase this social hormone through more eye contact and soft physical touch)

- Identify common ground (the more we see ourselves in others the more easily we find empathy)

- Ask questions (the more we know about one another, the better we understand)

- Know your blocks (learn where you struggle with empathy and work through those struggles)

- Second-guess yourself (stay humble and open to learning, questioning your negative assumptions about people)

A world with more empathy benefits us all in the long run, so it's worth understanding what it entails and how to cultivate it in ourselves.

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