+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy
Family

What to do when you're the child of an alcoholic

My dad was an addict, and growing up with him taught me a lot.

alcoholism, kids and alcoholism, alcoholic parents
Photo with permission from writer Ashley Tieperman.

Ashley Tieperman and her father.


There was never just one moment in my family when we “found out" that my dad was an addict.

I think I always knew, but I never saw him actually drinking. Usually, he downed a fifth of vodka before he came home from work or hid tiny bottles in the garage and bathroom cabinets.


My name is Ashley, and I am the child of an addict. As a kid, I cried when our family dinner reservation shrunk from four to three after a man with glassy eyes stumbled through the door. I didn't guzzle the vodka, but I felt the heartbreak of missed birthdays. I feel like I should weigh 500 pounds from all the “I'm sorry" chocolate donuts. I had to grow up quicker, but it made me into the person I am today.

addiction, coping, 12 step programs, recovery

Me and my dad.

Photo with permission from writer Ashley Tieperman.

I spent many years shouting into journals about why this was happening to me. But this is the thing that no one will tell you about loving someone who has an addiction: it will force you to see the world through different eyes.

Here are some things I've learned:

1. When your family's yelling about burnt toast, they're probably also yelling about something else.

My family yelled about everything — and nothing — to avoid the messy stuff. We all handled my dad's addiction differently. My brother devoured sports. My mom took bubble baths. I slammed doors and slammed boyfriends for not understanding my family's secrets.

Regardless of the preferred coping mechanism, everyone feels pain differently.

2. Your "knight in shining armor" can't fix this.

Boyfriends became my great escape when I was young. But when I expected them to rescue me from the pain I grew up with, it never worked out. No matter how strapping they looked galloping in on those white horses, they couldn't save me or fix anything.

In the end, I realized that I had to find healing on my own before I could build a strong relationship.

3. “Don't tell anyone" is a normal phase.

When my dad punched holes in the wall, my mom covered them up with artwork. I wanted to rip the artwork down to expose all the holes, especially as a bratty teenager. But eventually I realized that it wasn't my choice. My parents had bills to pay and jobs to keep. I've learned it's common to cover up for dysfunction in your family, especially when it feels like the world expects perfection.

4. Friends probably won't get it, but you'll need them anyway.

Bulldozed by broken promises, I remember collapsing on a friend's couch from the crippling pain of unmet expectations. I hyperventilated. Things felt uncontrollable and hopeless. My friend rubbed my back and just listened.

These are the kinds of friends I will keep forever, the ones who crawled down into the dark places with me and didn't make me get back up until I was ready.

5. You can't fix addiction, but you can help.

When I was a teenager, I called a family meeting. I started by playing a Switchfoot song: “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

Let's skip to the punchline: It didn't work.

It wasn't just me. Nothing anyone did worked. My dad had to lose a lot — mostly himself — before he hit that place they call “rock bottom." And, in all honesty, I hate that label because “rock bottom" isn't just a one-and-done kind of place.

What can you do while you wait for someone to actually want to get help? Sometimes, you just wait. And you hope. And you pray. And you love. And you mostly just wait.

6. Recovery is awkward.

When a counselor gave me scripted lines to follow if my dad relapsed, I wanted to shred those “1-2-3 easy steps" into a million pieces.

For me, there was nothing easy about my dad's recovery. My whole family had to learn steps to a new dance when my dad went into recovery. The healing dance felt like shuffling and awkwardly stepping on toes. It was uncomfortable; new words, like trust and respect, take time to sink in. And that awkwardness is also OK.

7. I still can't talk about addiction in the past tense.

Nothing about an addict's life happens linearly. I learned that early on. My dad cycled through 12-step programs again and again, to the point where I just wanted to hurl whenever anyone tried to talk about it. And then we finally reached a point where it felt like recovery stuck.

But even now, I'll never say, “My dad used to deal with addiction." My whole family continues to wrestle with the highs and lows of life with an addict every single day.

8. Happy hours and wedding receptions aren't easy to attend.

My family will also probably never clink glasses of red wine or stock the fridge full of beer. I'm convinced happy hours and wedding receptions will get easier, but they might not. People get offended when my dad orders a Diet Coke instead of their fine whisky.

Plus, there's the paranoia factor. Surrounded by flowing liquor, I hate watching my dad crawl out of his skin, tempted to look “normal" and tackle small talk with people we barely know. I've learned that this fear will probably last for a while, and it's because I care.

9. If you close your eyes, the world doesn't just “get prettier."

With constant fear of the unknown, sometimes our world is not a pretty place. I remember watching the breaking news on 9/11 and feeling the terror of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers as if I was there.

My dad numbed the anxiety of these dark days with vodka, but this didn't paint a prettier world for him when he woke up the next day. I've dealt with the fear of the unknown with the help of boys, booze, and bad dancing on pool tables. Life hurts for everyone, and I think we all have to decide how we're going to handle the darkness.

10. Rip off the sign on your back that reads: “KICK ME. MY LIFE SUCKS."

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see only my broken journey. In some twisted way, I'm comforted by the dysfunction because it's kept me company for so long. It's easy to let the shadow of my family's past follow me around and choose to drown in the darkness.

But every day, I'm learning to turn on the light. I have to write the next chapter in my recovery story, but I can't climb that mountain with all this crap weighing me down.

11. It's OK to forgive, too.

Some people have given me sucky advice about how I should write an anthem on daddy bashing, or how to hit the delete button on the things that shaped my story.

Instead, my dad and I are both learning to celebrate the little things, like the day that he could change my flat tire. On that day, I didn't have to wonder if he was too drunk to come help me.

I can't forget all the dark nights of my childhood.

But I've learned that for my own well-being, I can't harbor bitterness until I explode.

Instead, I can love my dad, day by day, and learn to trust in the New Dad — the one with clearer eyes and a full heart. The one who rescues me when I call.


This article was written by Ashley Tieperman and originally appeared on 04.27.16

A salesman selling a car to a skeptical woman.

It can be intimidating to be approached by a salesperson when making a big purchase, such as a car or an appliance. They can swoop in like sharks, seeing blood in the water and some refuse to leave you alone, even if you say, “I’m just looking.”

TikTok's @RussFlipsWhips is a car salesman who went viral with a video explaining why “I’m just looking” doesn’t work on a car lot and providing more effective phrases you can use instead.

"There's two main reasons, and here's what you should say instead of 'I'm just looking,'" he said in a video with over 345,000 views. “One is, we hear it every single day. So when somebody tells me, ‘I’m just looking,’ I’m so used to hearing that, I almost like brush it off and ignore it because I’m like, ‘That’s what the customer’s supposed to say.’ “Secondly, every car salesman has had a customer say, ‘I’m just looking,’ and we ended up selling them a car."



Instead, Russell suggests you say: "Hey, I’d really like to look alone. Can I please have your business card?" or “I’m really not in the market for a car.”


@russflipswhips

Replying to @SoyPablo This is what I would say #carsales #carsalesman #cardealership #carbuyingtips

The post received funny responses from folks who may not qualify for a loan. “The ‘I have 2 repos and no money down' line works wonders,’” one TikToker joked. “I just tell them my credit score and they run,” another added.

In the end, Russell’s suggestions show that sometimes, the best way to get our point across is to be direct and honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to shop alone and if the salesperson can respect that request, they deserve the sale if you decide to buy something.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

Guy shares PSA for woman after losing sister to cervical cancer

Cervical cancer is something that can go undetected if you're not in a position to get regular gynecological appointments. But with the new guidelines, allow for greater leeway between screenings for abnormal cervical cells. In America, the age to begin receiving pap smears, which is the test that can detect abnormal cells in the cervix, increased to age 21 and in the UK it's not given until 25.

Though, this test can detect the cells much earlier and before symptoms start, the distance between testing has been increased to every 3-5 years instead of yearly. The decrease was backed by scientific evidence showing there wasn't an increase in detection of abnormal cells by doing the test more frequently. Ethan, a man who lost his sister in 2022 to cervical cancer partly blames the delay in testing with her untimely death.


The grieving man took to TikTok to share a PSA on how important it is for women and people born with female anatomy to get their pap smears, sharing the cautionary tale of his deceased sister.

"Have you got a vagina and don't want to die? Cause if that's the case please watch this video," Ethan starts out saying. "So I'm going to tell the story of how my sister passed away and the one thing that I want anyone to take away from her death and she would want anyone to take away from hear death is to look after your health."

a woman sitting at a table with a model of a stomach Photo by Elen Sher on Unsplash

He explains that in 2021 his sister started having a lot of large blood clots "the size of a size 10 foot" that she kept going back to the doctor for but was consistently dismissed. Ethan shares that his sister began going to the hospital weekly due to the amount of pain she was in and she continued to be dismissed for months before she was referred to the gynecologist. According to the woman's brother, the process to look to see what was going on was so painful that the gynecologist refused to continue with the appointment.

"He said 'oh, I'm not doing this because you're in too much pain,' rather than actually investigating the reason why. Because she had a f***ing tumor inside her vagina that was the size of my fist. How the man missed that is beyond me. If he found that she'd probably f***ing still be alive cause she was neglected so bad throughout the whole route of this process."

baby i'm sorry GIF by truTV’s I’m SorryGiphy

Ethan reveals that she started having symptoms in October of 2021 but it wasn't until February of 2022 that she was diagnosed after months of trying to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, the cancer had already spread to her lungs, liver and stomach and died at the age of 31, March 2022.

"If you know something's wrong with you, only you know what's going on with your body so make sure you push harder. If you know that there's something wrong with you, you need to kick and scream and shout until you get what you f***ing want," he says as he shares what he hopes the main takeaway from his message will be.

Happy New Year Feminist GIF by All BetterGiphy

"Cervical cancer is so common so make sure you get your smears done because if you don't get your smears done and you've got those cells...if you've got the beginning of those cells you can just get it burned away. My mom's had it done a thousand times. My auntie's had it done. But if you leave leave them then that can lay undetected in your body for years until it's too late. Cervical cancer is a massive problem."

Ethan shares his frustration that the UK doesn't do pap smears until the age of 25 when it's the STI human papillomavirus (HPV) that causes many of the instances of cervical cancer. He's hoping that telling his sister's story will encourage people to not only get pap smears even if they have to pay for them out of pocket, but to advocate for themselves fiercely.


@eefybeefy1 Replying to @Emma Parkinson the best ones always die first ❤️ #grief #fyp #foryou #cancer #storytime ♬ original sound - Ethan

People in the comments are thankful he's speaking up while others are sharing their own stories of loss from delay in screenings along with not being believed.

"my daughter died aged 23 from cervical cancer. basically the same story as yours. neglected for 2 year, then by the time they diagnosed her she had i month to live," one mom shares.

"My friend passed away age 30 of cervical cancer, they need to lower the age of smears" another grieving person writes.

"As a GP nurse conducting smears everyday I’m SO proud of you for advocating for women, and your sister like this! It’s not a scary process to do, it’s over and done with in less than a minute and I absolutely don’t care if your legs are hairy," a nurse chimes in.

"Sadly women are often not believed when it comes to their pain. Keep educating people Ethan, your sis would be so proud of you," someone else shares.

Several women in the comments share that his video has caused them to schedule appointments for their pap smears after being overdue or afraid of going. So while his delivery may have included a few instances of adult language, his message seems to be heard clearly by those who are needing to hear it. Telling his sister's story may just save a few lives.

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.


In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”



“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

Family

Girl dad breaks down why protecting daughters by intimidating their boyfriends needs to end

He perfectly explains why it's more important for dads to create a sense of "safety."

@professorneil/TikTok

Fear does not mean respect.

It’s understandable that fathers want to protect their daughters. But many parents today are calling out the age-old patriarchal approach of instilling fear and intimidation to do so. Even girl dads themselves.

Recently, English Professor (and father of a teen girl) Neil Shyminsky, broke down exactly what is so problematic about this trope in a stitched TikTok.

In the original clip, a father talks about meeting his 13-year-old daughter’s first boyfriend.


“I knew this was coming, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it,” the dad says, adding that he did find the boy very respectful. Both of which Shyminsky could get behind…except maybe the “insistence” that the boy address him with his last name.

But things really take a turn when the man says, “as a girl dad, it’s definitely hard knowing that the little baby you once held in your arms all of a sudden has got a boyfriend that’s starting to take your place.”

“What now? I’m truly trying to figure out how he could ‘replace’ you…but all the answers I could come up with are deeply uncomfortable,” Shyminsky says. And we’ll just leave it at that.

The dad goes onto share the “good news” that his daughter told him her boyfriend (i.e. a child) said he was “absolutely terrified” of him because of his physical build. And then the whole thing devolves into a weird message touting the importance of lifting weights, so that you won't need guns to intimidate young boys, and instead do it with hard-earned muscle.

This is where Shyminsky drops a few truth bombs.



“You want a 13-year-old to be terrified of you? ... He is 13. And so any adult man would probably seem huge,” he begins, adding that while he too is generally larger than the people around him, he prefers to measure success in terms of who feels safe in his presence, versus “how many small children I terrify.”

Shyminsky goes on to say that while he wants the dating world to be as safe as possible for his daughter, prioritizing physical intimidation is the wrong way to accomplish that.

For one thing, if this young boy only respects this man’s daughter out of fear of being hurt by her father, then he “is not anyone that we want getting anywhere near our daughters” in the first place, Shyminsky points out.

And on that note, Shyminsky asks “If he’s supposed to respect and listen to you because your muscles are larger than his, how is your daughter supposed to treat him when his are in all likelihood larger than hers?”

Said that bluntly, it’s easy to see how this strategy, however well intentioned, is a form of “toxic masculinity” that, as Shyminsky put it, causes suffering to those on “the wrong end” of it. Even those who are meant to be protected by it.

Down in the comments, folks were entirely on board with Shyminsky’s hot take.

‘Fear is not respect,” one person wrote.

Another quipped, “I feel like people get their parenting techniques from 90s sitcoms.”

Parents want to protect their kids from all the many dangers of the world. But at the same time, it’s so important for kids to see firsthand how the important adults in their life lead with something other than fear, if we hope for them to do the same. This is a great example of how a mindset shift can help with that.

Shyminsky actually has an entire TikTok treasure trove of videos dissecting our ever evolving views on manhood. Including a great one breaking down how masculinity as it "should be" has been in question since 400 BCE.


Or this one delving into misandry vs misogyny:


You can find these, and more, on his TikTok.

Pizza with pineapple, a filet o' fish and candy corn.

If there’s one thing that just about everyone is passionate about, it’s food. Everyone has their own unique palate and if they don’t think something tastes good, it’s impossible to convince them otherwise. People also have strong preferences over where they like to eat. Are they a Taco Bell or Del Taco person? Denny’s or Waffle House? Starbucks or Dunkin’?

People also have a sense of mortality about what they eat. Some are omnivores, others are Vegans. Some feel it’s wrong to eat food unless it died or fell off the tree naturally, while others are willing to eat fish that are still alive.

That’s why a recent post by Araaa, also known as @Shawntifying on X, was so fun. She asked people to share their most “cancellable food take,” and people gave some extremely passionate opinions on food. The X thread was extremely popular, receiving over 42 million views.



Here are some of the most “cancellable” food opinions to get your blood pumping and mouth-watering.



Some people jumped into the thread to take shots at other people’s tastes and habits.


Do people like pineapple on pizza?

Many people showed up to defend their love for pineapple on pizza. That’s been a heated debate on social media over the past few years. So, what do most people think about pineapple on pizza? A recent YouGov poll found that most people are fans. A poll of over 1,000 people found that 22% love it and 37% like it. That means 59% or more than half of those polled like pineapple on pizza. On the other side of the debate, 18% dislike it and 19% hate pineapple on pizza.



Some people were passionate about the first meal of the day.



Strangely, many people shared their thoughts on candy corn. The polls show that people either love the Halloween treat or think it’s an abomination. Food flavor specialist Marie Wright tells Today that our opinion of the candy is closely tied to our experiences with it as children.

"The area of the brain where we process smell (which has a major impact on how we process taste) … is in the same part of the brain where we store memories and evoke emotion," said Wright. "In that primitive part of the brain, often there is a strong connection between an event, especially when it's food, especially childhood."



Sweet potatoes were also controversial, with people swearing by them or wanting them eradicated from the planet.



There were also some extremely hot takes about fast food restaurants.



Many people don’t like shellfish, which will save them thousands of dollars over a lifetime.



Not everyone finds coffee delicious.



The bone-in versus boneless-wing debate was also a big issue among the people in the thread.



And, of course, some people in the thread were just 100% wrong.