"Caregiving is nothing but confusion when you first start out."
70-year-old Frank Blood, who has been caregiving for his wife, Mary Ann, for almost two decades, adds, "It took me years and years to learn this stuff."
"The biggest challenge was knowing what was important and what wasn't."
Image via Frank Blood, used with permission.
Mary Ann has lived through cancer twice. Most recently, she was diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, a lung condition that makes it difficult for her to breathe, as well as vascular dementia, which involves memory loss due to multiple strokes.
The couple has been married for 41 years, and Frank says caregiving for Mary Ann has brought them closer than ever before. He points to one night in particular 10 years ago.
"She had chest pains," he recalls. "We were driving to the hospital and I looked over at her and said, 'You know something? This time I'm scared.' And she said, 'Me too.'"
"I didn't think of it again for about a week probably, but I thought, 'Wow. I've never opened up like that. I've never said anything like that.' And since then, we start telling each other what's in the deepest part of our hearts. ... There was another level to go to."
Image via iStock.
Mary Ann isn't able to move on her own, so she relies on Frank to get her ready for the day, take her from room to room, feed her, and make sure she's comfortable.
Frank also takes all of Mary Ann's vital signs regularly and even keeps a journal with her daily medical history.
In his nearly 20 years of caregiving, Frank has discovered one thing that may seem counterintuitive: Taking care of himself actually helps him give Mary Ann the best possible care.
"When we take care of ourselves," Frank explains, "Everything else about caregiving becomes much more joyful."
As a caregiver, preventively caring for your own health can help head off problems down the road.
Image via iStock.
Now, Frank is doing all he can to spread this positive message — and his learnings — to other caregivers who may be feeling just as lost as he once was.
To do this, he left his job as a sales rep for a construction company and started Caregiver Harbor. "I offer free phone support," explains Frank. "A caregiver can call me up and talk about anything they want." On top of that, he also writes helpful online articles and conducts talks at local libraries and senior centers.
Here are seven of the most valuable things Frank's learned throughout the years about caring for yourself as a full-time caregiver:
1. Get your energy up and running.
Image via iStock.
"I get up really early," Frank says with chuckle. "Between 4:30 and 5:00."
From there, he takes his morning coffee, goes on a leisurely walk, and then hits the treadmill for some aerobic exercise.
2. Exercise the mind too.
"I have to have that quiet time in the morning before I start out," adds Frank.
After he's gotten through his workout, he'll throw in a 15-minute meditation session to get his mind calm and focused on the present.
3. Pay close attention to your nutrition. (You might forget.)
Image via iStock.
This is no doubt one of the hardest parts for Frank. "Since I have to cook and feed my wife," he explains, "either I'm gobbling down food before it gets cold or I don't eat. The challenge is the amount of time to prepare and eat and clean up."
In the past, he'd settle on quick bites, such as cookies and candy, to get by. But since he's prioritized nutrition, he now consumes fresh fruit juices and lots of veggies.
4. Never try to do it alone.
"I don't hesitate to ask for help," says Frank. "If somebody volunteers to help me, I never turn it down."
In particular, don't be afraid to ask for help from your doctor. They're there to help you with your health better than anyone. And a good place to start is by getting to know your four health numbers — blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and body mass index (BMI).
5. Manage your time to a T.
Image via iStock.
"You just cannot let things happen without some kind of a plan," adds Frank.
Each hour of every day is dedicated to a specific activity — from his morning routine, to taking Mary Ann's vitals, to catching up on some TV with her at the end of the day.
6. Don't feel guilty for taking a little me-time.
In the beginning, "I felt very guilty about not spending all my time with my wife," Frank explains. This is common for caregivers.
Frank explains that it can take a while for a person to develop the confidence to break away once in a while. But as he got more familiar with the nuances of caregiving, he knew that being there for Mary Ann was about way more than physical presence.
7. It's OK to have your own life too.
Image via iStock.
Frank keeps his social life healthy by staying active with his church group; he's also part of the local chamber of commerce and will sometimes volunteer at community events to lend a helping hand.
"I'll sometimes tell my wife, 'No, this is my time. I need it,'" explains Frank. "And I have to walk away. That wasn't possible for a few years."
At the end of the day, giving others the best care possible requires a commitment to caring for yourself.
Not sure where to start? Take a step forward and visit a health care professional for your annual checkup and learn about your health numbers. Once you have a clear picture on how to better care for yourself, you'll be able to care for others.
And if you ever feel a little lost along the way, there are people out there like Frank who are always ready to listen and help in any way they can.
Image via Frank Blood, used with permission.
"I just want to let caregivers know that if I can do it, you can," adds Frank. "And you will be very happy if you just don't try so hard. Let things happen and take good care of yourself."
Learn more about how to take control of your health at Cigna.com/TakeControl.
There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."