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The horrifying side to the 'mail-order bride' industry — some men aren't exactly looking for love.

These marriages aren't always a bad thing, but when they are, they really are.

Oksana thought she'd met a kind man when Carl came to see her in the Ukraine.

But by her third month with him in America on a fiancee visa, Oksana Makarova was starting to suspect she'd made a big mistake. He'd begun tracking her ovulation during those first months she'd moved to be with him. He was hell-bent on impregnating her as soon as possible. He dyed her toddler son's blond hair black without her consent. He wouldn't give her a key to the house, reminding her when she asked for one that she had no one to visit and no reason to leave the house.

"Oksana, I thought you'd be obedient. This is the impression you gave me in Ukraine."


Image via iStock.

That's the line he would break out whenever he needed to put her back into her place. And as you can guess, he soon turned violent. Luckily, Oksana's story (told originally and in its entirety in Marie Claire) ended fairly well. She and her children safely moved out on their own, citizenships attained, and with primary custody given to Oksana. But it's not always the case for women who suffer the worst outcomes as "mail-order brides," as they're commonly (if somewhat insultingly) referred to.

The international marriage industry may inadvertently produce circumstances that can position a person as an ideal victim.

As mentioned in the first installment in this look at the international marriage industry, there are some very legitimate, understandable, and downright sweet love stories that can emerge from the practice. But what happens when a disturbed kind of man, put off by what he perceives as independent or hard-to-get women in America, turns to services where he thinks he can procure and isolate a "subservient" woman to yield to his more harmful tendencies?

Before heading to mixers where men assemble with the bride-finding company, hopeful women spend time beautifying. GIF from "Love Translated."

First, let's consider the motivations involved in how men and women meet in these kinds of matchmaking services. In some cases, the women, like Ekaterina from the first installment, can be already in a good place in life and generally happy; they're just seeking love, travel, and adventure. But sometimes, like in Oksana Makarova's case, there are women drawn to the matchmaking services because of a desperate need to provide for themselves and their children or to escape a dire situation in their home country.

That's the first indicator that major power imbalances between the two people are afoot.

That uneven distribution of power comes into focus again when the men and women meet at mixers planned by the matchmaking agencies. The agency Oksana used had the women line up to be evaluated and maybe chosen for an interview by a man.

The courtship, if it proceeds, may continue for awhile with the "bride" communicating long distance from her home country, or she and her suitor may apply for a fiancee visa so that she can go to America. Often, once she is in America, she is quite dependent on a guy she may not know very well and who may very well have been spurred to seek her out in the first place because of misogynistic tendencies.

This is the second obvious marker of that aforementioned power imbalance. There are language barriers, deportation worries, and financial concerns that all serve to place an international bride-to-be in a pretty precarious position.

Furthermore, in a place far away from home, if she's been successfully isolated by her new fiance or husband, it's very difficult for her family and friends abroad to verify her well-being or to report her missing in a worst-case scenario.

These situations have all the precursors to produce the perfect victims for the kind of person who looks to victimize — and like all of us, it's really just a roll of the dice if you will find yourself matched and then entangled with such a person.

There is the story of Gary Swierski, a California man who repeatedly reeled in foreign women through pen pal services and dated immigrants already living in America, serially and savagely abusing one after the other. He was finally turned in by his daughter, whom he'd forced to help dispose of the body of his second wife, Reina Swierski, after he killed her. It caused investigators to reopen the case of a former girlfriend of his who suspiciously drowned during a night out with him more than a decade earlier.

L: Gary Swierski. R: Reina Swierski, Gary's second wife and murder victim. Image from Sunnyvale Police Department/public domain.

After a string of disturbingly similar murder cases involving marriages started through international marriage brokers, the United States passed the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act (IMBRA) in 2005. It stipulates that background checks must be run on U.S. citizens before they communicate through the services to potential women. But the law is easy to circumvent — all the company has to do is base itself outside the United States to not have to comply.

The gray area between international marriages and human trafficking gets murky sometimes.

National Organization for Women's Sonia Ossorio told Bloomberg in 2011, "The mail-order bride industry is a softer version of human trafficking."

"You take a beautiful woman from the Czech Republic and you bring her into your home, she does all your cooking and cleaning and ironing. At the end of the day, the [wife's] service is free."

And national experts agreed. In 2004, before Congress passed IMBRA, John R. Miller (then-director of the State Department's Office to Monitor and Combat Trafficking in Persons) clearly connected the dots between human trafficking and international marriage practices:

"I want to focus, if I can, on the worldwide perspective here. When you look at the slavery issue, we now have reason to believe that 80 percent of the millions that are in slavery, internal or external traffic victims, 80 percent are women and 50 percent are children. The two biggest categories are sex slavery and probably domestic servitude. I think these are two of the categories of slavery that you frequently have... What do we know about trafficked victims in general? Well, there are two or three characteristics. There is the vulnerability of the victims. ... There is the deception, the key tool of the traffickers, and often there is government complicity and corruption. Well, if you look at marriage brokering, you have these features, particularly the first two features, the vulnerability of the women and the deception involved. These are features that we have to deal with."

Pair that testimony with this excerpt and quote from an international marriage agency founder featured in Bloomberg, and the connection really begins to emerge:

"For some companies, such submissiveness is a selling point. Hand-In-Hand's website trumpets the fact that its females are 'unspoiled by feminism.' Company founder Weiner argues this form of chauvinism — like the mail-order bride business itself — is economically motivated. 'You take a beautiful woman from the Czech Republic and you bring her into your home, she does all your cooking and cleaning and ironing,' he says. 'At the end of the day, the service is free.' Hand-In-Hand estimates the potential savings of a homemaking wife at $150 per week."

And then there are the times would-be brides (and potentially their children) are duped into sex slavery. John R. Miller told of one such case in his 2004 deposition to Congress regarding IMBRA.

"Pou was 17 when a man came to her village and arranged through her sister to marry her. Shortly after the marriage, the man took Pou to a fishing village and sold her to a brothel. After years of abuse and torment, Pou was released by the brothel. Today her body is ravaged by disease, and this woman in her 20s looks decades older than her real age. Yet she wants her story told."

Clearly, there is a very real concern about the welfare of women who participate in international marriage arrangements.

And to be fair, there are also cases reported of the seemingly perfect, caring woman bilking lonely bachelors out of significant money and property and then disappearing. But since that's money, and not physical safety, again the risk-to-reward ratios are highly skewed between them.

Even in the less egregious, non-abusive situations, there is a lot to explore in the dynamics of modern society that cause some men to look to a more transactional, surefire method of selecting a life partner. Some bride-seekers are decent guys with extenuating circumstances that necessitate going outside of traditional dating. But...

Some men really just don't like how feminism is changing their world and all it entails for them.

As noted previously, some men are seriously averse to feminism and the shifting paradigm (or at least the effort to shift paradigms) to more equitable relationships.

To men who may struggle with that shift, the cultural dissonance manifests itself in various ways. There are countless OKCupid and Tinder horror stories from women who "swiped right" on a guy's profile only to have him go from seemingly nice to combative and bitter in minutes, all because she didn't display the desired level of enthusiasm at his advances.

Photo by Paul Zinken/picture-alliance/dpa/AP Images.

There are also "pickup artist" (PUA) forums, where men who don't hold with that "feminism crap" convene and share tips for getting women to respond to them.


The prevailing attitude in such virtual meeting places is that women are all similar enough, and universal reactions can be provoked from them if only you employ the right tactics, as if you're entering code into a computer. They even organize in-person events, where they hire marketers to recruit young women to attend, often under the guise that it's a free networking event. All the while, it's really a training ground for men who've paid good money to try out their newly acquired "skills" in manipulating women, with an experienced "guru" to encourage them in the wings. You just have to learn the right combination of psychological buttons to push on a woman to get them to comply with your wishes! It's a sadly reductionist coping outlet for the subsection of men who seem to struggle with one concept: Women are human beings who are complex and don't come with a guarantee — they're not vending machines and love isn't transactional.

None of this even touches yet on the way that toxic and twisted misconception of masculinity manifests when the Elliot Rodgers of the world shoot innocent people because girls reject them, and jilted high schoolers stab girls for saying no to being their prom date.

It's easy to see how a man who hasn't been taught that interacting with women is like interacting with any other human could progress through the various stages of frustration at his ever-calcifying ineptitude. And he might be attracted to a transactional kind of arrangement with a woman he perceives as powerless — his path of least resistance.

A few thousand dollars is easier to pull together than untangling decades of one's societal misogynistic programming, after all.

There's no easy answer to whether the international marriage industry is a net positive or a net negative.


In the end, an online tool or agency of any kind is only as good as the people using it and the safeguards it implements to protect regular users from the worst. In a world where hatred toward women isn't always actively discouraged, and companies don't always play by the rules, it can be a high-risk gamble to look for a love connection across the world in a place where one has no support system.

For some, like Ekaterina and Josh, it pays off and produces a beautiful new life together. But when enough people get unlucky matches with the worst outcomes, we have to evaluate where things went so devastatingly wrong and how it can be changed for the better.


Pets

Dogs really do have favorite people, and here's how they decide who it will be

Sometimes their favorite people don't live in their house.

Dogs really do have favorite people. Here's how they decide

When my sister's dog, Junior, was on this side of the Rainbow Bridge, I was one of his favorite people. This dog would get full body wags every time I came around, and we'd spend most of the day cuddled up with each other. Now my dog, Cocolina, behaves in the same way whenever my sister comes to visit. But what goes into a dog deciding who their favorite person is? Spoiler, it's not always the person they live with.

Like humans, animals have their own personalities. You might rescue a dog thinking it will be the perfect companion, only to have the furry adoptee spend every waking moment following your partner around. You could spend hundreds of dollars on vet checkups, new harnesses, treats, and all the squeaky dog toys you can find, but that still won't be enough to convince a dog to love you. Instead of showering the giver of treats with kisses, they make goo-goo eyes at the pet sitter. It turns out they have their reasons.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Corgi cuddles spreading joy and smiles!Photo credit: Canva

Since our canine friends can't talk, we have to rely on the experts to explain what the deal is with how dogs pick their favorite human. Carol Erickson, a Pennsylvania SPCA animal advocate, gave a brief interview with CBS News Philadelphia to explain her take on how dogs determine their bestest, most favorite person.

"What it comes down to for all dogs is they decide their very favorite family member by who gives the most consistent, high-quality attention, play, and physical affection: ear rubs, scratches, that sort of thing. Dogs get positive associations from being around people who consistently provide positive experiences, including treats, meals, play that they enjoy, and remember also that early association in those first six months can influence who a dog may like better later on," she tells the outlet.

Rover backs up Erickson's claim that the first six months are crucial in determining who will become the dog's favorite person later in life. The website says, "Many dogs bond hardest to whoever cares for them during their key socialization period, which occurs between birth and six months." However, they later note that dogs can still be socialized appropriately even as adults.

The dog-sitting website also explains that it's not uncommon for people who are not the dog's primary caregiver to be their favorite person. Pointing out that physical affection is vital to dogs, if the mailman gives out head scratches daily but the owner doesn't, the mailman may become the dog's favorite person. While physical affection and treats go a long way for some pooches, those aren't the only things that get puppy eyes melting with love.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Joyful moments with furry friends! 🐶❤️Photo credit: Canva

"While positive experiences play a big role, a dog’s favorite person isn’t always just the one holding the treat bag. Dogs also respond to emotional connection, tone of voice, and even body language. Their preferences are shaped by a mix of familiarity, trust, and how well a person understands their needs," explains Elle Vet Sciences. They later add, "Dogs also take emotional cues from us. If a person is stressed, loud, or inconsistent, a dog may be less likely to form a deep bond with them. On the other hand, someone who offers reassurance and stability often earns the title of 'favorite' without even realizing it."

In short, if you want to be your dog's bestie, being consistent with affection, actions, and even training and grooming will get you there a lot faster than treats alone. Dogs aren't trying to be persnickety; just like humans, they enjoy being around people who show them that they enjoy their company—and maybe some treats.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

A woman standing in a field of sunflowers.

In a world where we're often on the hunt for wisdom to make our lives better, one solid place to turn is to the teachings of Diego Perez. Often known by his pen name Yung Pueblo, he has been writing books, poems, and essays for years, accruing 4.5 million online followers.

He often discusses meditation, having famously meditated for 13,000 hours (and counting), and credits this to easing his anxiety. Much of what he meditates on is love and our relationship to it.

In a clip posted on Oprah Daily, he shares, "What I've learned from that is that the highest level of love is unconditioned. Unconditional love, where you can look upon the world and see that no one is your enemy. That is the height of freedom. You are no longer coming from a place of ego, but you are living in a space of compassion for yourself and for others."

Yung Pueblo shares thoughts on meditation. www.youtube.com, Oprah Daily

According to his website, his most recently published book, How to Love Better, "offers a blueprint for deepening your compassion, kindness, and gratitude so you can truly grow in harmony with another person and build stronger connections in all your relationships."

While a guest on the Mel Robbins Podcast, she asks him, "What are the three healthiest habits that everyone listening or watching should learn in order to improve their lives?"

Reading from his work, he answers:

"1) Being grateful for the little things.
2) Noticing when your nervous system is overwhelmed and responding by saying 'no' to anything new that will consume your energy.
3) Don't hide your love. Let your friends and family know how much you care about them."

Of these ideas, Robbins says she loves that they're "subtle, but the impact they have is profound."

The clip comes from a larger podcast interview entitled "Reset your mind: How to Find Peace When Life Feels Overwhelming." Robbins notes how simple these habits would be if one were to really take them in. "Number one: being grateful for the little things. And let's do this right now. This is how simple this is. What is something little that you're grateful for?"

Pueblo answers, "I think I'm always grateful for natural spring water. It tastes so good and is so nourishing. And honestly, the first thing that came to mind is I'm so grateful for my Toyota RAV4."

Robbins digs into the second habit, re-reading it out loud. "This is also one of those subtle things. Whether it's being overwhelmed at work and somebody asking you if you can cover their shift. And as a people pleaser, you'd normally be like 'yeah, yeah, okay' even though you don't want to. Learning to take a beat and notice you're overwhelmed and saying 'no.' That is a subtle but powerful moment where you create peace for yourself instead of creating chaos in order to please somebody else."

He responds, "Part of reclaiming your power so that you can have real inner peace is understanding what your capacity is."

Robbins gives the example of feeling obligated to say yes to invitations. "Learning how to say no is a habit that creates peace for you, just in the saying no."

He adds, "And sometimes the invitations aren't physical. Sometimes they're emotional. When someone is trying to invite you into their anger. They just got home from work, they're super irritated by what happened. And you can feel that in their irritation, they want you to join them. But for the sake of your own peace, you can find that subtle place where you can, sure, listen to whatever their gripe is, but choose to live in your peace as opposed to joining them in their tension."

- Yung Pueblo shares thoughts on the Mel Robbins podcast.www.youtube.com, Mel Robbins

Robbins brings up the final habit: "Don't hide your love." He shares, "This is one of my favorite lessons I've learned from studying change through meditation. Literally studying change within the framework of the body. We have this really combative relationship with change. We fight change. We hate change sometimes because we deeply crave for all the things that we like to always stay the same. But then we forget that change is what's allowing for everything to exist. Like if the universe were static, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation."

Pueblo goes on to say that change is what gives us our lives. "So change is allowing all these beautiful opportunities to appear in front of us. So to me, when I think about change, and I'm spending time with my parents or my partner, these are beautiful moments that are right in front of me, that I should spend time in these moments, not just thinking about something else."

Robbins adds, "I think we have a combative relationship with love. Because we spend most of our time with the people we care about most, either taking our emotions out on them or wishing they would be different…One thing that has changed my life for the better, obviously, is to let people be who they are and who they're not. But in that space of acceptance, really being proactive about expressing love."

The comment section adds beautiful thoughts. Under the Instagram clip, someone writes, "Gratitude really is the foundation. It quiets the noise, anchors the spirit, and reminds me I’m already in the blessing." One adds, "I have a gratitude jar when I'm feeling disconnected from love. I read through the gratitude notes and it immediately brings me back to the present."

Another adds this lovely sentiment: "Nailed it — because they all require consistency, not flash. Fireworks fade over time, but a small fire tended and fed over time can provide light and warmth forever."

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


Culture

Why you might try peeling your bananas the way monkeys do

Our primate friends are onto something here.

Canva Photos

Monkeys and humans peel their bananas very differently.

Modern humans really like to argue about how to do simple things around the house. Families have fractured over how to load the dishwasher, or whether to hang the toilet paper roll over or under. We have strong opinions, get set in our ways, and refuse to change even in the face of compelling evidence.

There's a new debate raging and, believe it or not, it's all over the humble banana. For example, a recent Reddit thread with over 10,000 comments featured a wife and husband fiercely arguing over how, specifically, a banana should be peeled.

If you're like me, you didn't even know there were multiple ways to peel a banana. I've always grabbed the stem, angled it downward until the peel cracked open, and then peeled. Admittedly, it's not a perfect method. Sometimes the banana, if not perfectly ripe, with get smushed in the process. Or the stem may bend without splitting the peel open, leaving you wiggling back and forth until you give up and go get a knife.

Apparently, there is a better way. And all we have to do is watch how the monkeys do it.

YouTuber Anthony Crain of Cooking For One explains: "They ought to know. They know bananas." Instead of cracking the peel at the stem, primates squeeze the bottom end together (sometimes playfully referred to as the butthole of the banana) and the peel pops open, as if by magic.

"If you go from [the bottom end], it always works, no matter how ripe or unripe the banana is."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Though the bottom-first method of banana peeling works great—and some even swear you get less stringy things (called "phloem bundles") this way—not everyone is convinced.

Though no official statistics exist as to what percentage of people peel their bananas from the stem, almost everyone I've ever met does it. And many of them are not looking to change their minds or methods any time soon.

"Monkeys also fling [poop]. Just cause monkeys do it doesn't automatically make it correct," one Redditor wrote.

"I am not a monkey; I will open it how I like," said another.

Others swore that once they tried the monkey technique, they never went back:

"When I heard you could do it by using the B side I tried it and it's super easy. Works every time and doesn't damage the inside. I've been using B ever since."

"This post ... is going to start a civil war," one user joked.

"Honestly this is one of the most interesting comment sections I’ve seen. I would never guess it was this divided," another added.

Top or bottom aren't the only banana-opening options available. Some people break bananas in half in the middle and peel from there. Others snap it open like a matador cracking a whip.


@yunggecko_

Magic banana? 🪄🍌 #fyp #foryoupage #magic

For as many different varieties of edible fruit that exist in the world, there seem to be just as many fascinating ways to access them.

Have you ever seen the pomegranate whacking method of removing those pesky seeds?

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Or how about the no-knife method of popping out avocado pits with just one hand?


@bearenger

#stitch with @_mynameischo OMG WHAT 🥑 #healthyrecipes #plantbased IB @tracesoats

As an apple connoisseur, I'm always interested in cool ways of slicing or coring an apple. I recently learned you can scoop the core out with a tablespoon or melon baller in about five seconds!


@jessicaygavin

2 Easy Ways to Core an Apple! #core #applestothecore #fruit #apples #easytips #cheflife

Truthfully, there's no wrong way to enjoy your fruit. You can peel your bananas like a monkey, or buy that little pointless doohickey from Amazon that slices it for you like knives don't exist.

Fruits of all kinds are delicious and contain tons of amazing nutrients for your body. What keeps it fun is always exploring new fruits, and yes, even new ways of peeling, coring, and eating them.

A group of friends having a chat.

You might be shocked to learn that many people don’t like making small talk. Surprise, right? They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know.

However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.

Jefferson Fisher, a Texas personal injury attorney and communications expert, has become massively popular on Instagram—with nearly 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, Fisher discussed the number one problem people have while making small talk.

What's the biggest mistake people make during small talk?

"They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly," Fisher tells Parade. "It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"For example, someone says, 'I just got back from a trip to Italy,' and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, 'Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.' It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. “Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, 'That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?' Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard."

Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners tend to make a better first impression.

How to be more likable

Researchers at Harvard University found that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

conversation, small talk, chatting, discussion, communication Two people have a conversation. Credit: Fauxels/Pexel

People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.

This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.