Despite having billions of samples to study, the science of what attracts humans to one another is a bit of a mystery. There are so many factors that can come into play, from appealing to the physical senses to intangible qualities that people can't quite put their finger on.
One person's hot is another person's not, so sweeping generalizations about what's attractive and what isn't don't really work. However, there are social forces that portray certain qualities and behaviors as making someone more desirable when in reality they have the opposite effect on most people.
Someone on Reddit asked women to share one thing that men think is attractive but is actually a turnoff, and the responses offer a helpful guide for men who might need some help in the dating department.
Here are the top answers to "What's one thing men do that they think is attractive, but actually isn't?"
Elevating themselves by putting down other men
"Put down other men to try and elevate their image to me. It does the opposite to their desired effect."
"Literally went on a first date last night with a guy who talked about how dumb all his guy friends are. 😂 I just sat there like... bro I don't think you realize what that all says about YOU because of the company that you keep lmao."
"This is a huge red flag in a man. I am a man and I can relate to that.
My sister told me this: When guys hype each other in front of a girl, that's a huge turn on for a girl."
"On the flip, had a few dates with a man who spoke very positively of other men he casually knew. He was a genuinely nice person who wished the best for everyone. He was also always so kind to everyone and anyone who approached him. Some people are so cold toward and assume the worst of others (I get it, living in a big city), but I was so impressed by how warmly he treated everyone, even if he had to gently redirect them or get them to move along. He was a really good dude. People in the neighborhood adored him. Every woman had the biggest crush on him. I’d watch girls throw themselves at him constantly at the bar we used to frequent, lol. Didn’t work out for reasons, but I still think so fondly of him and respect him for his unconditional kindness."
"On my first date with my now fiancé, during first date talk conversation, he spent probably like an hour speaking positively about other men in his life and it really drew me to him. Our male bartender was really friendly and my guy said something along the lines of “people like him always make my day, I hope to be like that for other people” and I was just locked in after that. He’s wonderful on all other fronts of course but I thought it was so sweet how tender and positive he was towards other men as a straight man."
Putting down other women in an attempt to compliment a woman
"If you try to suggest I’m better than other women I will assume you either don’t know how to give a compliment or are a misogynist."
"Yup. 'You're not like other girls' is not the compliment you think it is, bud."
"When I hear that phrase it sounds like 'other women were smart enough to reject me but I think I can get you.'"
"It’s like yeah, you just insulted a group that contains both me and some of my favorite people in the world and you expect me to take it as a compliment? That’s wild."
"Ewww, I had a guy comment on a group picture of mine 'looks like you're the hot friend in the group 😍' and didn't understand why I was LIVID with him, it's so gross."
"'You’re not like other girls' …my guy, I am an amalgamation of every girl I’ve ever liked or admired- I am exactly like other girls."
"Similarly, if every girl that they have ever dated was 'crazy,' run don't walk away from that situation..."
Bragging about success, money or sexual prowess
"Brag about how successful they are with women. It always comes across as desperate and not really believable."
"I know a guy who saves every girl they 'dated' photo on their phone and brag how they get those girls. Its so weird to have girls you 'dated' photo saved on your phone. The guy is obviously insecure too."
"My ex when I was still dating him, 'I could get any girl I want.' That man is still single to this day and that was 7 years ago 🤣"
"This one guy bragged to me that he can go on for 10 hours...I'm like no thanks bruv, I like my sleep."
"Brag about how much money they make or what they own."
"Bragging about ANYTHING is so unattractive."
Overconfidence and trying to be an "alpha male"
"When they act over-confident and 'manly' - just be yourself! it’s okay if you make mistakes or show your emotions, I honestly find those things endearing. and awkward guys are ADORABLE."
"When they trying hard to act cool. Nah. I like when men are comfortable enough to show their vulnerability."
"Changing their voice to sound more like strong or alpha something like that lol"
"Some guy misjudged how wolves socialize back in 1947 and now I have to listen to some dude with no personality talk about why he's superior (plot twist: he isn't)."
"I had one very attractive boyfriend who very much knew it and he would practically pose on the lounge waiting for compliments … it was so off putting."
"There's such thing as too confident. Also don't order my meal for me."
"Talk over people in a group and always try to be the loudest/most dominate person in conversation. It makes you look like a rude a__hole."
"Conversely, making space for the quiet folks in a group to be heard seems to be an attractive pursuit based on what I've seen."
Trying to start fights with other men
"Trying to start fist fights w other guys for dumb reasons."
"Ugh I went on a first date with a guy I’d worked with for a while (super chill and seemed lovely) who noticed someone checking me out and asked me, mid meal, if he should go over and f---k that guy up for me. Like no, I want to get a second glass of wine going? I hadn’t even really noticed anything but my date and food but at that moment I was 100% done and turned off. He spent the entire meal talking about how he’d f--k up anyone for me and it was deeply, deeply unsettling."
"Hi, my name is Bob. I'm 36, a software developer and prone to violent rage outbursts.
...Two hours later:
Would you like to go on a second date?
No but I'd like my first restraining order."
"Violence is a huge turn off."
"You know what's hot af? Defusing a fight. Exuding confidence, respect, and control in a situation, and the wherewithal to work through it. Love me some mediator boys."
"This is so true!!! guys who keep everyone calm and remain collected are so attractive."
Sending unsolicited lewd photos
"I don’t understand why they think a random, poorly shot image of their penis will be more persuasive than charm and humor."
"As a gay dude, I feel you here. I honestly didn't get the point, and it was even worse when the person seemed normal, and it appeared out of nowhere mid conversation."
"An ex would do this in random conversations, it would actually make me vomit in my mouth a little. I simply ignored the message and continued the conversation at hand."
"I saw a joke recently that perfectly sums it up. Dick pics are like a dead mouse a pet brings you. I can see you are proud, but I am not touching that."
Naturally, some women may disagree and actually love some of these things, but generally speaking, the basic character qualities of kindness, positivity and humility as well as being a calm, mediating presence are much more desirable than the opposite. Some prominent male "influencers" will try to say otherwise, but if you want to know what women actually find attractive, it's a good idea to listen to women, not men who claim to know what women want.
